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thoosie-thursday · 4 years

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On the topic of best coaster

I'm tired of thoosies claiming that their coaster "is the best". There's no such thing as an objective best coaster. That being said, you're all wrong because this beautiful monstrosity is the best coaster.

That's right, it's Boss.

Now I know what you're thinking. "How can you say the best coaster is a sub par CCI?" Well, sit down and let ya girl educate you.

Sheer Capitalism

Think about the name for a second. What other coaster in existence has a name that just feels like the late stage capitalism hellscape we're in? Just going up to the ride makes you feel like you're getting called in for a yearly performance eval. The long queue hike slowly building that anxiety, same as when your boss looks at your productivity reports. The remains of the helix sitting there, showing the corners cut for the sake of profit. The intimidating drop, just like that of the Six Flags stock as of late, plummeting out of sight.

Them Trains

This is a hot opinion I know, but those gerstlauer trains are a work of art. They're so open and free, especially in the front row. All that holds you in is a single ratcheting lapbar. That's right, where we're going we don't need seatbelts. Just look at this sexy CAD drawing I ripped from gerstlauers site and be in awe of the engineering marvel.

The Thoosie Complaint Index

As all true coaster fans know, thoosies are the worst when it comes to knowing literally anything. That's why Millennium Force won the golden ticket so many times when Ohio was home to much better coasters than it. That's why I rate coasters on a scale I call the Thoosie Complaint Index. It basically works off the idea that the more things there are for a thoosie to complain about on the ride, the better it is. Now let's see what boss has going for it.

it's at a super low tier six flags park. Thoosies hate any park without a hyper, so that's already a plus

It's a CCi that isn't Boulder Dash or at Holiday World, so into the dumpster it goes

Gerst trains

It's "rough" (but as we all know thoosies think anything that isn't smooth as glass is rough)

They removed the helix so it's "bad"

The midcourse "stops you" (last time I checked it only slows you to a couple miles per hour that's not a stop)

The long queue hike (betcha wish you shelled out for diamond elite now idiot)

It doesn't "do much"

Look at that, 8 things thoosies hate about it. Using my patented Thoosie Complaint Index, that gives it a perfect score of 160. It's the perfect ride.

Missouri

As we all know, Missouri is the best state. That's right, fuck you Illinois. Fuck you Iowa. Fuck you Arkansas. Nebraska you're cool. But most of all, fuck you Kansas. Come take your city back idiots.

In conclusion if you disagree with this you're an idiot. Boss is the best coaster, it's just science.

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