thorihpes

[thorihpes]

2009 is when we all began to rot

[thorihpes]

If someone would've told me this time last year, that within the span of 8 months, I'd have seen well over 200 dead bodies, gotten into a near deadly car crash at 80mph, disowned by my father, arrested, my mother drowning our cat in a washing machine with 4 kittens inside which I can't seem to erase from my head. And I'm now having a ddlg dynamic affair with a funeral director twice my age to fill that fucked up, fatherless void in my heart because he treats me better than my father ever did, even though I know he's going to throw me away like yesterday's trash the moment I start to develop signs of ageing, I would NOT have believed them to be honest? And for 5 whole years before that, literally nothing interesting happened in my life. And I want to go back to that person I was a year ago. When I didn't have all this fucked up shit happening and this self destructive habit. What the fuck is wrong with my life and what the fuck is wrong with me??

I keep seeing and feeling things that aren't there and having visions of torture and death and I think I'm possessed or something

[thorihpes]

They won't leave him alone

[thorihpes]

I need someone to give me all the right answers in life. I'm still crazy about this guy and I know he's into me too. I'm not sure if it's love but he's definitely attracted to me. It's bugging me because he's married but he's the one who keeps coming onto me. It's constant. I know that if I accepted his advances he'd 100% try to sleep with me and ofc I want to sleep with him he's the sexiest guy I've ever met. I've never been more attracted to anyone and it's so rare for me like I NEVER get crushes let alone crushes that like me back. I'm using all of my strength to resist him and it's so fking hard BC he's so hot. I'm not flirting with him at all and I'm constantly trying to shut down his advances but he knows I like it. I try to hide it but he can see it on my face. But ofc I have to be the responsible one because if we get caught then I'M the homewrecker. I'm the one who seduced him and ruined his marriage and reputation. It's never the guy's fault. Even though I'm single, half his fking age and have 0 marital responsibilities.

[thorihpes]

OH GOD ITS WORSE

[thorihpes]

I'm so detached from reality. I spend all this time fantasising about my crush like he's some fictional being. Like there's this protective screen between us where I can just watch him from a distance and not have to worry about anything happening between us. I forget that he's real and capable of liking me back. And if that happened I'd panic like crazy. I need to ground myself. Remember where I am and what's real.

[thorihpes]

Is it weird how watching my crush angrily stitch a man's jaw shut with his sleeves rolled up like this- >

-while breathing heavily and cursing at the corpse was the most turned on I've been in years? Yeah. Am I ashamed of it? Yeah. Do I hit myself with a hammer sometimes because the thoughts aren't helpful to me they only make it worse oh god

[thorihpes]

I wish I could control my crushes, honestly this is fucking shit. It was nice at first. I had butterflies and this sweet, sunny feeling in the pit of my stomach. Now it just feels like there are angry wasps banging around in my heart and stinging everything. I hate it I don't want this feeling anymore. It hurts.

[thorihpes]

Didn't realise how bad the crush was until today. He told me I won't see him for 2 weeks and when I drove away I started crying. What the actual fuck

[thorihpes]

I fuckin shrieked

[thorihpes]

Still coming to terms with the fact that I look like a fucking garden gnome tbh

[thorihpes]

Alr

[thorihpes]

[thorihpes]

Playing a silly game called Builder's block. It's where I hit myself with a hammer every time I unsuccessfully block out a memory.

[thorihpes]

I just saw a young woman (about 20y/o) skipping down the street on her own. She didn't look drunk or anything. She just looked happy. I'd give anything to have that confidence.