thosearesomebadvibes-blog

[thosearesomebadvibes-blog]

i dont mean to be uh. that guy, but i really do feel like everyone’s second choice most of the time. I think it’s just my anxiety coupled with completely understandable forgetfulness on my friends’ parts but i cant help but feel like nobody really wants to spend time with me and I’m a bit of a placeholder before their better friends show up. Idk, I try to join group things and I feel like I’m on the peripheral, I try to invite people over or schedule something and it falls through for this or that reason. Or I’ll talk and make jokes in a call and people kind of overlook me. I don’t think they notice when I’m gone. God I don’t even know if I should go out tonight. I don’t think it’s gonna make me happy. But if I don’t go out now then I’ll just spend the next few days between work and school with little contact with my friends whatsoever, and I’ll just feel more and more drained. And by the time I see them again I will have prioritized feeling good as opposed to legitimately interacting with somebody, and I’ll act happy even if I’m anxious and dissatisfied on the whole. God it’s almost fucking embarrassing. I promise I’ve tried to find other outlets- obviously I take care of my schoolwork and job, today was just my day off and it’s easier to get into depressive episodes on these days because there’s less on my mind. I promise I cleaned up around the house, I read, I drew, I’ve been watching video essays and trying to be productive I promise I’m not TRYING to act like some codependent freak it just keeps coming back again and again and againa andn agian

[thosearesomebadvibes-blog]

Huh, completely forgot I had this blog for a long while. Uhm, a lot’s changed but some of this stuff is coming back up to the surface, so I just wanted to dump my thoughts here.

Honestly, looking back on some of these posts I’m surprised by how articulate some of them are (I don’t mean they’re good I just explain what the fuck I’m trying to say), because my brain has felt like corrosive fucking sludge lately. On one hand I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’ve got a job that’s taxing but uh, it makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something. I’ve made friends with some amazing people and again, really grateful for my social circle right now, the past week has been wild. And I’m going to a local college on a scholarship, finding time to work out and make art, yada yada. At the same time, it feels like some of my bad habits are getting more pronounced, and I’m just growing more and more incoherent. Sometimes I get so anxious that I want to start hyperventilating and screaming (although I’m sure there’s some step in the cognitive process from point A to B where my brain is like “let’s blow this way out of proportion to like, a comedic extent” like I’m genuinely not sure what is and what isn’t an organic reaction). Uhh. My body image issues are coming back but really all I’ve been doing is restricting or skipping meals for long periods of time. Not even extensive fasting. But sometimes I wince or feel kind of nauseous when I look at my body (it’s weird, because my perception of myself has stabilized and improved a lot in recent months). I get dizzy and light headed. It’s not like I’m passing out or having some episode, more of a constant buzz throughout the day (hahah, I did actually begin feeling pretty weak the other day when I was working a rush hour shift by myself). I’ve been running frequently and walking miles and mile (yesterday I walked 10 and ran 4) and..like, I can feel my ribs. And nobody has CALLED me fat (I’ve always had this constant feeling that people think I am, or they’re disgusted in me for even trying, but nobody has said so out of politeness. I can fucking tell I can TELL). But there’s still so much that’s wrong with my body and I’m terrified that even if I did push myself, it would never get better. Broad shoulder broad ribcage and all that shit. I know it sounds like I’m making excuses and I bet that I am, to some degree, but it’s so frustrating when I’m just constantly disgusted by myself. I feel like I put on makeup and strategize over my clothing obsessively but it’s never going to pay off. Sometimes I feel kind of disgusted with myself. No matter how hard I push myself or develop my aesthetic I’m not going to catch anyone’s attention and sometimes I feel fucking subhuman and repulsive and it gets hard to breathe and I want to fucking kill myself but I’m so scared that my body will look comically hideous, or that the morticians are going to laugh at my corpse. I get nervous that my body will bloat, too. 

Oh, I started cutting myself too. But not in like. A legitimately harmful way, it almost felt performative even though I was alone. Basically I was feeling really upset and weak and uh, I just wanted to see if i could endure any pain so I started cutting all over my arms and legs. I feel like a fucking idiot because I cut my forearm a lot in the first batch without thinking that other people were going to see that later, I just wasn’t thinking straight. They’re never deep cuts, but I guess I get a rush? Idk I’ve just had two days in the past week where I started breaking down and sobbing and getting. Incredibly lonely. I do kind of want to talk about it, but I’m not even sure what to say. One (very unreasonable) part of me wants to share all this, and all the private notes I’ve taken, with somebody, but I don’t know anybody who I feel safe showing this to. It’s not that my friends don’t care about me, they do worry a lot, but a lot of THEM also have problems with eating or depression and I really don’t know how to discuss all this with them in a way that doesn’t make them start worrying or unintentionally harms them. Because I’ve noticed that, no matter how well-intentioned the interaction is, there’s a weird underlying competitive nature when it comes to talking about EDs. Like...I’ll feel compelled to explain why I bothered to eat on whatever day, or how long I’ve gone without food in the past, or abstain from food or fucking whatever, because if I’m not doing worse than the other person than I don’t have a problem, and I don’t want to do that shit to my friends. I just don’t know who I can talk to without looking like a fucking freak. Not to be overdramatic but my brain is corrosive sludge and my body is a fucking nightmare

[thosearesomebadvibes-blog]

Hey it’s like a shitty secret diary with some vestiges of risk because instead of keeping this fuckshit to myself in a journal it’s going on the internet. Wack. Uhhhh I think I’ve only really updated this thing when I was feeling really down. I guess today hasn’t been too bad, I just went through a little bit of a mood swing. Just wouldn’t feel comfortable having this on a main blog, just ‘cause it might worry my friends, but it’s really not all that bad.

I guess I’ve been uncomfortable with my body lately. I mean, I get like this a lot. Even when I was routinely starving myself my body image was still pretty bad. I guess I’m ‘regular’. I wear mediums and smalls and all that, but I still compare myself to other people a lot. I think I started worrying about my weight when I was ten, and then I became especially concerned in seventh grade. I’ve never starved myself for too long. But I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I had a dream a few weeks ago, wrote it down as soon as I woke up. Might as well copy/paste it here, fuck it man.

“I had a dream last night that I was looking back at old photos of myself as a child and I felt fucking awful because she was so thin. Or average, I guess. I think a lot about when I was a kid. Or my middle school weight. I stared at anorexic message boards all morning (it was 5:30) but I don’t have the heart to starve myself anymore.”

God. Whenever I go on rants like this it’s always the same thing. I hit the same beats every time. I get sick of it too, hahah. I get it. I need to run every day, not just a few times a week, and I need to get over myself. My skeleton is gonna be “medium”, I’ll never have a small frame, nobody’s gonna think I’m especially thin. I’ll probably gain weight after high school. Especially if I’m bogged down with a job and I can’t find time to run. And chances are I’ll always be at least a little uncomfortable with the way I am. I can’t really complain, I’ve got it good. I have to actually a decent body image if I’m gonna set my standards this high. I think I can make peace with that.

I’m sad ‘cause one of my other friends is starting to (re)develop an eating disorder. She didn’t know about mine until she told me about hers, and I’ve been talking to her about eating here and there. But I recognize some of those traits in her and I’m so fucking scared for her. She deserves so much better than this. I’m more scared that I won’t be able to convince her to eat, or that she’ll start lying and say that she’s eaten.

I guess I feel kinda bad ‘cause she’s an online friend and there’s only so much I can do. I don’t mean to come off as harsh or edgy but I fucking hate anyone who tries to guilt other people about their eating habits. I never really got much shit growing up, but I’ve seen so many other ppl with e.ds talk about how people guilt tripped them when they were younger and it makes me livid.

Uh...other than the usual, I guess I feel kinda bad about my other friends, too. Nothing really bad has happened and I still love all of them. I just feel like a fuck up sometimes. I have a bad habit of being really sensitive to certain comments or jokes, or I’ll feel insulted if I feel like somebody thinks I don’t know about something I know a ton about. And the other problem is that I’m so non confrontational it’s disgusting. So if there’s even a minor miscommunication or problem then I won’t tell the other person, but I can’t help but feel bad. It’s never really come to anything, and I usually get over the problems, but I feel like I worry people when I get upset. I know that this is the shit that gets on every normal person’s last fucking nerve- Being spineless and easily offended and self deprecating is obnoxious and I GET that. I don’t want people to ever have to like, tiptoe around a conversation or whatever. And I guess I feel like a fucking let down sometimes. This probably sounds really minor but my friend was talking about something and I was like, trying to empathize but my DUMB ASS was like “I know how you feel” and they said “No you literally don’t understand” and I felt like a fucking prick. I’ve always tried to avoid the whole “i know exactly how you feel thing” because it’s so presumptuous and it reads as rly condescending and I was just trying to say that like...I could see why they would feel a certain way, but I came off sounding like a douche bag. This isn’t some “woe is me” thing. Like I’m not trying to throw a pity party I’m just fucking angry at myself right now. Uh...god. There’s probably more for me to bitch about. I just feel kinda tired right now. Sorry, I know this probably sounds really whiny to anybody reading, I know how it looks, hahah.

Uhh, I guess things have mostly been fine. A little sad that Spring Break is over. I’ve been working on lots of writing and art projects. Little over 300 pages into this biography on Tolstoy. It’s a fun read but he sure could be a bastard sometimes (very academic and articulate hot take). Uhhhh. Yea I’m out of steam.

[thosearesomebadvibes-blog]

Dude I’m back on my bullshit!! Fucking wild! I’ve barely eaten this week and I’ve been running in the mornings and like, counting calories and all that fuckshit all over again but I went on the scale and it’s several pounds higher than my average and I’m on the verge of crying. I haven’t eaten in close to 24 hours and my dumb ass has been looking through e d tags all week in my spare time. I guess I’m back to how I was a few months ago. I don’t think this brushes close to an e.ating di.sorder but I’m so fucking sick of hating my body. I fucking hate my body and I run and work out and all that but not consistently enough, and I don’t undereat consistently and part of me just wants to keep starving myself. That shit’s gross.

Ik this is literally just a vent blog with no following but I feel kinda bad just bitching about this. Uhh, I’m working on an animatic for fun. Gotta finish this painting over the weekend. I’ll probably go on a run early tomorrow morning if I decide to eat tonight. Wrote a decent paper the other day.

[thosearesomebadvibes-blog]

@ any single 6”2 chubby goth wrestler girls who yodel in their spare time please marry m

[thosearesomebadvibes-blog]

Huh, maybe I’m not done posting for tonight. I’m an incredibly unhappy and insecure person and I really latch on to interaction. Even if a grown ass adult is making creepy commentstowards me while I’m waiting for my bus I won’t even tell them to go away. And sure yea that’s sad but it’s whatever. I guess lately I’ve been more concerned about being complicit in dumb shit. I remember being in some group of people last year and I got along well with everyone but I remember they’d make a lot of tasteless jokes and sometimes be dicks to a couple specific people. And I was nice to those people, sure, but that really doesn’t mean much when I didn’t make a concerted effort to make everyone else stop being rude to them. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I didn’t put my foot down like I should have, so whatever I did do probably had very little impact. I’m too restrained and unsure and nervous to ever go out of my way and make an impact on someone or do something legitimately constructive. The example I used was pretty pedestrian (and I think my friend circle right now is full of good people thank god), but I think about that a lot. Not to sound morally righteous or anything (I’m definitely not in the position to be), but I fucking hate when people are complicit or just let things slide and I need to crack down on that and just become a more active person. I need to get a spine, because I end up regretting it whenever I do tell someone they did something bad and I shouldn’t. I should stop being a pussy

[thosearesomebadvibes-blog]

Hahah, fuck. Uh, I made this blog a month or so ago but I haven’t written up a post until now. I guess I knew going into it that it would feel weird to just bitch about my life to nobody, but it’s definitely better than putting all my fuckshit out where my friends can see it. I’m tired of making them feel worried because my problems are just DUMB, dude. I could probably solve a whole lot of them if I was a stronger willed person and got my shit together. I guess the only reason I’m posting here now is because I’ve felt really down over the past few days. It’s just the usual issues resurfacing. I’m like, shockingly ugly and I have a lot of body image issues yada yada, so I’ve been swinging between fasting and not doing anything about it at all and feeling worse. Yea yea I know you fuck up your metabolism doing that, hahah. Uh, I’ve got a group of friends I really love, but I do get scared about them not liking me. I guess on the bright side I’ve been able to run my four mile route every day since break began, but it’s still really hard to will myself to do anything other than that. Like, I struggle to get up in the mornings, to a point where I’ll lay there awake for the next three hours before I can make myself move. It’s hard to do basic shit like wash my face and get a shower because I just feel so unmotivated and full of dread (which is FUCKING STUPID hahah), so then I end up wasting any free time I do have. And then I’ll feel like a wreck, I start feeling too anxious and ugly and stupid to do anything. I’m scared to go into the kitchen because I’m scared of people seeing me eat, I’m anxious about hanging out with my friends because I don’t deserve to be around them, I’m scared of being alone with my thoughts for too long but I’m also terrified of staying online too much. I just hate being anxious and tired and scared all the time. And I know it just feeds into itself. When I’m too anxious to even talk to my friends or say some joke I thought was funny, OF COURSE we’re going to grow apart or stagnate. I might even damage close friendships because I stay at arm’s reach. I remember realizing that I had never become really good friends with anyone in my art class like everyone else has (it’s essentially a four year art program I’m in at my school where I make ugly drawings or whatever). Like, I get along fine with everyone in there and we can get into some cool discussions but I never take it any further than that because I feel like I’d be overstepping my boundaries. So I’m just sort of acquaintances with everyone because I’m a fuckin uhhhhh pussy.

I guess it’s hit and miss with my closer friend circles. Sometimes I end up trying to start all the conversations and everyone is unresponsive. And I can’t really blame them, either. It’s not like people OWE you a conversation. It’s not like they aren’t great friends, either. But I guess I take that sort of stuff to heart and I’ll get anxious and think they think I’m boring or a bad person. I guess I’ve wound up in a situation where I really really want to talk to people about my problems but I feel incredibly guilty and embarrassed whenever I get the chance. So I guess I’ll listen to other people talk about their problems and I never explain mine fully. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if half of my friend group feels the same way, hahah.

Uhh, I guess I touched on some of my main problems on this shitfuck post. But just about all of this is my own fault. I just need to become a better person and learn to dedicate myself to something in the long run instead of trying really hard for one or two days and crashing. I gotta stop being self deprecating. I can get over that if I try really hard. Uh, I should work up some initiative and just start forcing myself to make connections again and be a better person. Get a thicker skin. Start talking to people again, all that shit. Also like...I know I said it earlier but none of these are like, real problems. I act the way I do because I’m kind of spineless, I’m responsible for everything wrong with me and I hope it doesn’t look like I’m trying to blame my shit on people around me. Maybe I’ll keep posting on here. This helped sort out some of my thoughts, even if it wasn’t fun. I’m not sure why I’m not just making this a journal entry. I guess I still want to be able to communicate and interact with other people, and posting this on a blog with no connections to anything else is like a slim chance of running into people versus none at all, hahah. Maybe I should tag some of the stuff here, just to be safe. Yeah, this isn’t really a good introduction to me, is it? I don’t want people to feel uncomfortable reading this.