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thosemarriedmediums · 6 years ago

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TAH Transcript: #25 Beyond Belief-Rosemary’s Baby Shower

No copyright infringement intended. Special thanks to the folks on the Thrilling Adventure Hour wiki!

[Can be purchased on the thrilling adventure hour patreon]  The previous episode is She Blinded Me With Seance (TAH #20).

The next episode is Love Love Me Doom (TAH #32). Read under the cut:

And now, coming to you from Hollywood Los Angeles California America it’s the nation’s favorite new time podcast in the style of old-time radio: the Thrilling Adventure Hour.

Recorded live at Largo at the Coronet in Hollywood California America; tonight’s episode Beyond Belief Rosemary’s Baby Shower. Starring Paget Brewster as that married medium Sadie Doyle. Featuring Janet Varney as Donna Henderson, Mark Gagliardi as Carlysle Ravencastle, Craig Cackowski as his Renfield and Chris Hardwick as Count Desmond Cross. Narration by Hal Lublin. Music by Andy Paley & the Andy Paley Orchestra.

SPOOKY INTRO MUSIC

Meet Frank and Sadie Doyle; the toast of the upper crust, headliners on the society pages and, oh yes, they see ghosts!

Frank: Who cares what evil lurks in the hearts of men?

Sadie: Unless evil’s carrying the martini tray darling.

CLINK FX

Spooky Hal: Join Sadie Doyle as she walks beyond belief in tonight’s dark episode: Rosemary’s Baby...Shower. Our story begins in the very heart of darkness: Detroit, Michigan.

Carlysle Ravencastle: Attend me minion!

Renfield: Yes Master.

Carlysle Ravencastle: As I woke upon the dusk and took to the pidge mine eyes beheld and my ears beheard portance.

Renfield: Portance, master?

Carlysle Ravencastle: An owl backwards flew. The crickets, nocturn’s metronome, performed in hosanna in the russet moonlight. If mine understanding of these omens is true then the end draws neigh.

Renfield: How master?

Carlysle Ravencastle: A child is born of unholy union. I must away eastward to enact my part in that which follows for I am Carlysle Ravencastle Dark Husband to the Midnight.

Spooky Hall: Meanwhile at an upper westside brownstone, a baby shower is soon to begin.

SFX DOORBELL

Sadie: Donna dear, Sadie’s here.

Donna: [out of breath] Sadie! You’re early!

Sadie: [oof] Well there was less traffic then anticipated darling, apparently the weather’s put people off the roads.

Donna: What weather?

Sadie: Well it’s raining frogs darling. Well more of a drizzle really.

Donna: Ha well, my point is you’re early!

Sadie: Oh Donna darling I’ve forgotten. You can’t open the door at all what with you a vampire and the sun’s still out.

Donna: Mhm. It’s unlocked Sadie.

Sadie: Then I shall let myself in. Stand back all vampires.

SFX DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

Sadie: Olly-olly-oxenfree! The door is closed the nasty ole sun won’t roll around you here no more. Let’s take a look at you.

Donna: Oh ta-dah!

Sadie: Oh Donna darling look at how pregnant you are! You’re absolutely glowing!

Donna: [scoff] Yeah, glowing as a house! Let me show you to the bar.

Sadie: Mother of the year. Tell me Donna does the baby take after you or its father?

Donna: Oh it’s a girl.

Sadie: Oh that’s wonderful!

Donna: I’ll say!

Sadie: But not what I meant. Is baby girl Henderson a werewolf like her father or a vampire like her mother?

Donna: Well she’s definitely got some werewolf in her.

Sadie: Wha- how can you tell?

Donna: Well during a full moon she kicks like a karate guy but she’s got some vampire in her too.

Sadie: So you’re drinking blood for two?

Donna: She’s a b-negative girl, just like her mommy.

Sadie: [pleasantly surprised] Well I’m b-negative!

Donna: [laughs] I know! And I’m dying for a drink.

Sadie: [chuckle] It’s the same for me darling, let me pour two martinis.

SFX DRINK POUR

Donna: Oh, no martini for me Sadie. Vampire for one and uh, “glowing” for two.

Sadie: Oh did you think I was pouring one for you Donna? No, [laughs] that’s adorable. No, I just like to clink before I drink!

SFX DRINKS CLINK

Sadie: Ooh!

SFX DOORBELL RING

Sadie: That must be the girls.

Donna: N-no I don’t think so, the sun hasn’t gone down. I don’t think you ought to answer that door Sadie.

Sadie: Tosh darling stay back.

SFX DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE

SPOOKY BACKGROUND PIANO

Carlysle Ravencastle: And who art thou, Liquor stinker of-er?

PIANO STOPS

Sadie: [groan of disgust]

Sadie: Donna was right, you are not the girls.

Carlysle Ravencastle: Far from it.

Sadie: Not so very far but sounds (?).

Carlysle Ravencastle: You would mock my voice?

Sadie: ...And your parasol.

Renfield: I shall see to your parasol master.

Sadie: Master, eh? Sadie. Waggles. Eyebrows. What’s your story, pale, bald, and pointy?

Donna: Psst. That guy’s a Nosferatu Sadie.

Sadie: Nosferatu? Wha-is that what it sounds like?

Donna: What does it sound like?

Sadie: A leftover scrabble rack played as a bluff.

Donna: What is that?

Sadie: [slowly] Nosferatu - would be a, a double word score… that’s 24 points! [chuckles]

Donna: Yeah a Nosferatu is a-sort of a vampire.

Sadie: Oh, the sort that carries a frilly parasol?

Renfield: [clears throat] The master’s parasol protects him the dread sun and it is the least frilly in his collection.

Donna: [chuckles] Typical Nosferatu.

SPOOKY BACKGROUND PIANO

Carlysle Ravencastle: I am no mere Nosferatu, I am Carlysle Ravencastle Dark Husband to the Midnight. I alone sired Dos Vampere Nosferatus of the Great Lakes region. Our teeth are the sharpest, our skin is the palest, our eyes are the blackest! The night is my domain!

PIANO STOPS

Sadie: Well, I’m Sadie Doyle; girl husband to Frank Doyle. My nose is the cutest, my glass is the emptiest, my buzz is the fading-ist, the bar is my domain.

SPOOKY BACKGROUND PIANO

Carlysle Ravencastle: Mere human! Turn not from Carlysle Ravencastle Dark Husband to the Midnight, rather,

THRALL SOUND

Carlysle Ravencastle: KNEEL BEFORE ME IN THRALL!

PIANO STOPS

Sadie: Did you-did you think of all of your name by yourself? There’s so much of it.

Donna: Hmm? Oh! Sadie all Nosfuratus have those kinds of names. There’s one in my coven’s book club goes by Maryella Unpleasant Princess of the Maelstrom. Heh. She could stop a clock, the face on that one.

Carlysle Ravencastle: How is it that you resist my thrall?

Sadie: Oh. Who me? Oh, I don’t thrall darling, not in this outfit.

Carlysle Ravencastle: You are powerless to resist!

Renfield: Yes, powerless!

Sadie: And what’s your name darling? Guy who’s its dark husband of the poor manners did not introduce you.

Carlysle Ravencastle: Do not address my Renfield.

Renfield: Do not address his me!

Sadie: Well I’m charmed Mr. Renfield.

Donna: No no his name isn’t Renfield Sadie. Renfield is, maybe industry slang for the human agent of a vampire.

Sadie: Oh.

Donna: Mhm.

Sadie: Do you have a Renfield Donna?

Donna: [scoffs] Nah they’re kinda a status thing. I-I ain’t that kind of showy.

Sadie: Hm.

Carlysle Ravencastle: Enough! Where is the child?

Sadie: What child?

SPOOKY BACKGROUND PIANO

Carlysle Ravencastle: Born of union unholy, bespoke of in auguries and foretokens, the harbinger of what is to come.

PIANO STOPS

Donna: I mean, auguries and foretokens, who is this guy?

Sadie: I-do even you understand the words coming from your gnarled little mouth?

Renfield: Master, master look! Look to her belly.

Carlysle Ravencastle: [gasp] Wait, are you pregnant?

Are you!?

Donna: As a house.

Carlysle Ravencastle: Is yours a union unholy?

Renfield: Is it?!

Donna: [offended gasp] Now if you’re asking what I think you are it’s none of your business pal!

Carlysle Ravencastle: Could it be that the harbinger is as yet born? Were the auspices untrue!?

Renfield: Were they!?

Carlysle Ravencastle: Did I misapprehend them? Crickets hosanna. Moon russet. Owl backwards...

Sadie: Owl backwards. [sarcastic] Wow! Wow wow.

SPOOKY BACKGROUND PIANO

Carlysle Ravencastle: NO MATTER! As I shall from your womb steal my prize.

Donna: [gasp]

SFX DOOR OPENING

PIANO STOPS

Count Desmond: Hold, Carlysle Ravenclaw!

Donna: Door!

Carlysle Ravencastle: [screams]

Donna: [yelling] Sun! Sun! Sun!

DOOR CLOSE SFX

Count Desmond: Sorry! Sorry sorry sorry.

Carlysle Ravencastle: And it’s Ravencastle-

[overlapping]

Renfield: Ravencastle!

Carlysle Ravencastle: Ravenclaw is a Hogwarts house.

Count Desmond: Shut up you Hufflepuff!

Sadie: Who- Who is-Who is this now with his own very pretty little black parasol?

Carlysle Ravencastle: Count Desmond Cross!

Sadie: Well if you know so much what is he doing here?

Count Desmond: Did you think you would return to my city and with impunity threaten a member of my coven?

Sadie: Me?

Count Desmond: No, not-not you. Him! You! Be silent!

THRALL NOISE

Sadie: I-I be tipsy. Clink!

SFX CLINK

Donna: Sadie this is Count Desmond Cross, the, the head of my local.

Count Desmond: Say is that a Renfield?

Carlysle Ravencastle: Gaze upon my minion Count Desmond Cross and feel your blush of envy!

Count Desmond: Wow a Renfield! I was thinking of getting one but the [quietly] payments.

Carlysle Ravencastle: You simply must.

Count Desmond: I know, it’s so expensive now. The interest alone!

Sadie: [clears throat]

Donna: [laughs]

Count Desmond: Adorable! Adorable!

Donna: So [clears throat] uh what are you doing at my baby shower Count Cross?

Count Desmond: There are omens about, portance; a crow roared like a lion! In the park, rosebushes bloomed with tulips.

Sadie: Oh oh! It drizzled frogs! Is that an omen?

Count Desmond: Maybe. But traditionally that’s more of a plague. Could be some mummy business or an ogre wedding sometimes you know...

Sadie: [laughs]

Donna: Desmond this party was supposed to be you know -ladies only-.

Count Desmond: Child my presence requires no invitation! What with your unborn being born in what’s called an unholy union.

Carlysle Ravencastle: [gasp] I knew it!

Renfield: He did.

Count Desmond: Being that you have lain with a werewolf-

Carlysle Ravencastle: Ewwwwwww.

Renfield: Ugh.

Count Desmond: I know.

Renfield: That’s gross.

Donna: I-

Renfield: That’s totally gross.

Carlysle Ravencastle: (?)

Donna: I-

Carlysle Ravencastle: How does he even?

Sadie: Dave is the darling-ist werewolf.

Donna: Oh stop.

Sadie: Darling honestly, you’d lay with him given your druthers.

Carlysle Ravencastle: I would not.

Renfield: He totally would.

Sadie: Darling, no.

Count Desmond: Now usually unholy union refers to when a prince of darkness takes a human bride but something like this happens and it’s 50/50 so you-you know, you wait on the omens which in this case are pointing to a harbinger.

SPOOKY PIANO MUSIC

Carlysle Ravencastle: And mine hands shall sculpt this ominate clay to a being of perfect destruction. I shall throw him on a potter’s wheel of innasty bastardry and fire him in a kiln of dismay! The resulting depravity vase will serve to hold the flowers that are this world and the waters that are chaos. Forever and a day!

PIANO STOPS

Count Desmond: Are you done now? This will not stand! Donna is of my coven. This baby is mine by the unholy right of dibs.

Carlysle Ravencastle: Do you think I have traveled low these many dales to arrive here to be cowed by you Desmond Cross?!

Sadie: [giggles] Dales.

Count Desmond: I-

Sadie: [laughing]

Count Desmond: I think that is just what you have done!

Carlysle Ravencastle: You! Will! Be! Cowed!

Count Desmond: Oh no sir you shall be cowed!

Carlysle Ravencastle: No

Desmond and Carlysle at the same time: you will-

[overlapping]

Count Desmond: You ought to be cowed!

Carlysle Ravencastle: you are stewing in my cow at the moment!

Count Desmond: Who’s gonna be cowed? This guy!

Carlysle Ravencastle: You are so cowed! Cowed!

Desmond Cross: Cowed!

Carlysle Ravencastle: You are rippling with cow!

Sadie: Gentlemen-

Desmond Cross: Cowed!

Carlysle Ravencastle: Cowed!

Sadie: gentlemen, please! This is a baby shower. It’s not a place for gentlemen nor fighting and especially it is no place for fighting gentlemen. Now the two of you go outside or Sadie Doyle shall roll up her sleevies.

Carlysle Ravencastle: None command Carlysle Ravencastle Dark Husband to the Midnight. We shall duel for dominance over this child to be.

Sadie: You and I.

Carlysle Ravencastle: No! I shan’t fight a woman.

Sadie: [chicken noises]

Count Desmond: Shall we duel by proxy Carlysle Ravencastle?

Carlysle Ravencastle: (?) Coward.

Count Desmond: And with what pawns do you suggest we duel? Demons? Raves!? Don’t say c.h.u.d.s it sounds like a much better fight then it actually is.

Carlysle Ravencastle: I invoke the right of Orna Thou.

Donna: [gasp]

Renfield & Donna: Oooo.

Count Desmond: Really? [chuckles] Orna Thou?

Sadie: Wha-wha-what did he do now?

Donna: Usually when vampires duel by proxy they summon a demon but by vampire law if you invoke the right of Orna Thou before a duel it means they gotta use a proxy that’s right here in the room.

Sadie: Vampire law...I would not watch that show.

Carlysle Ravencastle: I shall duel via my Renfield.

Renfield: Master?

Carlysle Ravencastle: Silence!

Renfield: Yes master.

Count Desmond: Uh, I guess I’ll take the boozy sass-mouth.

Donna: Me?

Sadie: No. No. Choose again.

Count Desmond: No? There is no no when there is THRALL!

THRALL NOISE

Sadie: Oh. Well then, I have an ever so good idea.

Count Desmond: What is this now?

Carlysle Ravencastle: She won’t thrall. I tried earlier and-

Count Desmond: That is the darn-dest thing.

Carlysle Ravencastle: I know quite!

Count Desmond: Thrall must be rusty.

Sadie: Donna, darling, dear. On the topic of thrall and on the heels of my promise to roll up my sleevies-

Donna: Mhm.

Sadie: what do you think of the following? [whispers]

Donna: Oh! Oh! And then and then [whispers]

Sadie: Oh yes yes! But only if I [whispers]

Donna: Okay! Okay! Let me see. Hey fogleroy! I got some thrall for you right here!

THRALL NOISE

SPOOKY PIANO MUSIC

Carlysle Ravencastle & his Renfield: [giggling]

Carlysle Ravencastle: You dare try to thrall Carylse Ravencastle Dark Husband to the Midnight!? I place you in thrall!

Donna: [yells] You better not!

Carlysle Ravencastle: Ooo! You are strong.

Donna: I am pregnant! And you come in here with a frilly parasol, a-a human accessory and way too much eye make-up trying to steal my baby? I will show you some thrall mister!

THRALL NOISE

Carlysle Ravencastle: I shall show you some thrall!

Donna: Thrall!

Carlysle Ravencastle: Thrall!

[overlapping]

Sadie: Donna! Thrall!

Renfield: Go Master go!

Sadie: Thrall! Thrall!

Donna: [strained grunt]

Renfield: Thrall her! Thrall her!

Donna: [whimper]

Renfield: You got this one Master!

Count Desmond: This is highly irregular, I mean this battle isn’t even proxy! Perhaps I should help her. I’ve got some thrall right here!

Donna: And don’t you dare help me!

Count Desmond: [monotone] Yes mistress.

Sadie: Oo! Donna you thralled the Count! Heh.

Donna: Yeah, did I?

Sadie: [monotone] Yes mistress. Oo oh Donna oh you thralled me.

Donna: [surprised gasp]

Sadie: And I was simply previously unthrallable!

Donna: [excited laughter] It’s probably these hormones! I- did I-, did I thrall the guy I was trying to thrall in the first place? I-

Carlysle Ravencastle: [monotone] Yes Mistress.

Donna & Sadie: [sigh of relief]

Donna: Good. Good. Now-now get your pasty husband of the midnight keister the heck outta my house!

Carlysle Ravencastle: Yes Mistress. -Wait what am I doing!? I’ve never been enthralled nor shall I remain-

Donna: [cuts him off] Less lip over there!

THRALL NOISE

Carlysle Ravencastle: [monotone] Yes mistress. I’ll just take my parasol and go.

Donna: No no no no no. Leave the parasol buster!

Carlysle Ravencastle: But it is the daytime...

Donna: [chuckles] Yup! Enjoy it.

Renfield: Masters, huh?

SPOOKY PIANO MUSIC

DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE SFX

EXPLOSION SFX

Carlysle Ravencastle: [SCREAMS]

Sadie: A dramatic end to a dramatic fellow Mistress.

Donna: Oh! Oh gosh, uh. Sadie, I remove you from my thrall.

Count Desmond: And me? I wouldn’t mind not being in thrall if that would be cool with you.

Donna: Eh.

Count Desmond: Fair.

Sadie: [sigh of relief] Oh good. Oh darling thank you. I think I’ll have a drink. Oh who am I kidding? I know I’ll have one. [laughs]

Donna: You know I think I’ll join you.

Sadie: Donna dear, glowing.

Donna: Oh that wasn’t the kind of drink I meant. Come here Renfield.

Renfield: Me?

Donna: You as b-negative as you look?

Renfield: Please don’t make me your drink.

Sadie: Clink!

SFX BOTTLE SMASHING

Renfield: Oh please please don’t toast against my forehead.

Sadie: Oh. Too late! [laughs]

SPOOKY PIANO MUSIC

Spooky Hal: A happy birthday after all for the arrant child as Donna Henderson proves a mother’s love conquers even the gravest foes.

WORKJUICE INSTRUMENTAL

Brian Stack: This has been the Thrilling Adventure Hour Podcast. If you like what you’ve heard please leave a comment on Itunes. The Thrilling Adventure Hour is written by Ben Acker and Ben Blacker and directed by Aaron Ginsberg. Special thanks to Joel Spence, Barre Duryea, Jesse Honig and me Brian Stack. For show dates, photos and more information visit ThrillingAdventureHour.com. From the oral tradition to the aural tradition, one of the many fine distinctions available from the Thrilling Adventure Hour.

#thrilling adventure hour transcripts #beyond belief #rosemary's baby shower #beyond belief transcripts

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thosemarriedmediums · 9 years ago

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TAH Transcript: #20 She Blinded Me With Séance

[Can be purchased on the Thrilling Adventure Hour Patreon.] No copyright infringement intended. Special thanks to the folks at the Thrilling Adventure Hour wiki!

The previous Beyond Belief episode is Second Star to the Wrong (TAH #15). The next Beyond Belief episode is Rosemary's Baby Shower (TAH #25). Read under the cut:

SPOOKY INTRO MUSIC

Spooky Hal: And now it’s time to send the little ones to dreamland and set your radio’s dial to spooky. Bolt the doors, lock your windows, and steel yourself for mysterious suspense in this evening’s final feature Beyond Belief. Starring Paul F. Tompkins and Paget Brewster as those merry married mediums Frank and Sadie Doyle. Also starring Kirsten Vangsness, John Ennis, Dave Gruber Allen and Justin Kirk.

Meet Frank and Sadie Doyle toast of the upper crust, headliners on the society pages and, oh yes, they see ghosts! Equally at home on Park Avenue and the Nether-relms, the dashing Doyles dare to walk alone together in a place beyond belief.

Frank: Who cares what evil lurks in the hearts of men!

Sadie: Unless evil’s carrying the martini tray darling.

CLINK FX

Spooky Hal: Join Sadie Doyle as she walks beyond belief in tonight’s dark episode “She Blinded Me with Séance.” Our story begins in a pent house apartment of the famed Plaza Hotel.

“HERE’S TO US” INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING Sadie: Franklin Delano Rigby Doyle don’t you dare slam that door behind you!

DOOR SLAM FX

INSTRUMENTAL CUTS OUT

Sadie: Come out of there this instant and let’s go to this party. Frank? Hello? So the silent treatment is it…Oh Frank you answer me this instant! Are you giving me the silent treatment or aren’t you? Knock once for no and twice for yes. KNOCK FX x2 Sadie: Well that’s settled. Come out of there at once and let us attend the upscale do to which we répondu oui, s'il vous plait! [responded yes, please.]

KNOCK FX

Sadie: Oh darling you’re acting like a baby!

KNOCK FX

Sadie: Yes you are!

KNOCK FX

Sadie: Yes you are too! Your normally adorable jealously has become jealousy of a non-adorable tenor.

KNOCK FX

Sadie: Ewing Klipspringer is many things: gadabout, clotheshorse, bon vivant but any rapport betwixt Ewing and I is merely a kind of platonic brand affection we’ve exchanged since our college days. Klipspringer and I have only ever been just friends. You, Frank Melache Cacophony Doyle, you are my one and only. Ewing Klipspringer is no threat to you.

KNOCK FX x6

Sadie: I do not know what that means Frank!

Klip: Ewing Klipspringer calling!

Sadie: [surprised] Oh.

DOOR OPENING FX

Klip: Sadie, Sadie pretty lady.

Sadie: [giggling] Klipspringer darling! Mwah!

Kilp: Oh Sadie don’t say my name, my heart can’t take the excitement. Speaking of intolerability and excitement (or lack thereof) where’s that boring lesser half of yours? Did he realize he doesn’t deserve you and head di-rectly to the nearest bridge to practice his swan dive? Shall I console you? Let me console you in my embrace which I happen to keep on me at all times. Come Sadie, come. Come. …You’re not coming.

Sadie: Klip Frank hasn’t left he’s locked himself in the liquor cabinet to sulk.

Klip: Hmm. How’d he manage himself into one of those?

Sadie: Well it's a walk-in. I’m afraid there’s simply no reasoning with him at all once he’s in there.

[angry] KNOCK FX x4

Sadie: I’m the same way. Goodnight Frank. I’ll be home after the party to tuck you in. Let’s go Klip.

Klip: Of course dear. Don’t worry Doyle, your wife’s in good hands. Or, soon will be.

Spooky Hal: Soon, at A Sudden Place townhouse where a cocktail party is underway.

“HERE’S TO US” INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING

KNOCK FX x3

Klip: Ewing Klipspringer calling with a surprise guest star in tow! DOOR OPENING FX Caldwell: Why who have you brought Klip?

Klip: Yours truly dragged the Sadie Parker out to play. You may know her from the society pages but I know her from a campus mixer whence I first fell head over heels.

Sadie: [uncomfortable] Ah, truth told it’s Sadie Doyle now. My husband Mr. Doyle, to whom I’m married,

INSTRUMENTAL CUTS OUT

Sadie: sends his regrets. Klip: Well I’m sure we all regret that you’re married. I know I do.

Sadie: Now Klip-

Caldwell: Mrs. Doyle charmed that you could make it. Klip: Sadie this fellow behind the thickest spectacles this side of the astronomy telescope is publishing great Carter Caldwell. Owl Eyes, this is Sadie Parker. Sadie: Doyle. Klip: [grumbling] Yes, as you will. Hm.

Sadie: Charmed Mr. Caldwell. I adore a man with glasses…especially when they’re full. Klip and Caldwell: Ah.

Caldwell: Well let me oblige you in this regard, before I was a publishing great I was but a publishing good. Before that I was but a bartending ack.

Sadie: [giggling]

Caldwell: What’s your pleasure? Sadie: Do you know how to make an Irish martini?

Caldwell: Will you allow me the pleasure of providing you with a straight lie Mrs. Doyle?

Sadie: I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.

Caldwell: [clears throat] How do you make an Irish martini? Sadie: In a martini glass; the merest hint of vermouth and an olive. To the brim of a highball glass; whiskey. Put aside the martini glass and serve the whisky.

Caldwell: [laughter] Delightful!

Sadie: It will be. Caldwell: Oh of course! Straight away.

Klip: Sadie meet Dee Fay. Her Voice of Broadway column is read coast to coast, left to right. She’s hosting this shindig that we’re shin digging.

Fay: Well I know Ms. Sadie Doyle alright, some sort of supernatural someone. Sadie: Always nice to meet a fan. Fay: Tell me Mrs. Doyle, is it true that you are a see-er of ghosts?

Sadie: I see spirits now and again.

Caldwell: Here’s your drink as ordered.

Sadie: And these are the types of spirits I prefer to see now and again. Fay: But as we were saying Mrs. Doyle, might we impose upon you to use your particular gift? [hesitant] Would it accurately be called a gift?

Sadie: Drinking? Caldwell: [laughter] I’m certain Ms. Fay meant the other aforementioned trait.

Fay: I happen to have here a Ouija board.

Sadie: Oh-

Fay: Did I pronounce that right? Sadie: You do. Caldwell: Goodie! Klip: Oh. Hold your horses Caldwell. Is this one of those séance parties that are all the rage here up in the upper echelons of the society sect? Fay: I’m certain I mentioned as much. Klip: I‘m sorry Sadie sweetie I- I didn’t realize the ghost business is your everyday. You must find these amateurish dabbling dreadfully boring. Shall I take you far away from here? To Tahiti? Borneo? My apartment? Sadie: [still uncomfortable] No no. Far be it from me to poop a party this early into my drink. [laughter]

Caldwell: Truth be told Mrs. Doyle it’s reading of your and your husband’s exploits that inspired the whole supernatural craze.

Sadie: You do not say!

Caldwell: Dreadfully tacky I’m sure. Sadie: Oh dreadfully adorable darling. Wait until tell my husband that we trend set for the jet set. I can imagine his reaction. [imitating Frank] That should be good for a few drinks at least!

Which reminds me- Caldwell: A refill Mrs. Doyle.

Sadie: Oh, if you insist!

Klip: I’ll get it. You set up the séance scene allies. Caldwell: I’ll lay out this Ouija board. BOARD SET UP FX

Fay: I’ll light the candles.

MATCH STRIKE FX

Sadie: and I’ll provide the ghost whistle.

Fay: The what?

Sadie: Why the ghost whistle of course. Why how do you- how do you propose to summon a proper ghost without a proper ghost whistle?

Fay: How foolish of us. Thank goodness you’re here! Klip: Here’s you drink Sadie, I brought the bottle.

Sadie: Oh you darling darling man.

Klip: I’m sorry I must’ve had something in my ear, will you repeat that, for forty or fifty years?

Sadie: [laughs] Now, won’t someone turn out the lights so we can join hands?

Klip: You read my mind.

Sadie: Klip. Klip you’re a card!

Klip: That’s lights out and opskay allies. I’m joining hands with Sadie. Caldwell: Fine. Klip: Oh, I’ve been waiting years for this moment and your hands are worth the wait. Gloriosky are they ever. Sadie: Oh Klip. Is everyone ready? Caldwell: Now see here this is getting serious isn’t it with talk of ghost whistles and actually summoning a ghost I- I thought this would be harmless fun. A bit of waving our hands about the Ouija board and asking silly questions for entertainment purposes only. Fay: Why allies is there a bit of a chicken in you? Caldwell: More than a bit. Allow me to introduce my yellow streak. You may notice he’s taller than I am. Sadie: Don’t worry Mr. Caldwell. There are rules in a séance and the ghost will be quite unable to break them.

Fay: Think of it Carter. To speak to a being from the great beyond. That he might answer mankind’s great great questions. Caldwell: Alright but if it gets terribly scary I’ll be under a chair. Klip: As will I. Guess whose.

Sadie: Shall we begin? Hands joined, candles lit. Ouija board boarded and Sadie blows her ghost whistle.

WHISTLE FX

Caldwell: Did the candles just flicker!?

Sadie: [whispering] Shhh, you’ll scare it.

Klip: Look at the focus on Dee’s face.

Dee: Do hush Ewing I’m concentrating.

SPOOKY MUSIC

Sadie: It’s coming.

Caldwell: Oh, I confess I can hear my heart pounding.

Sadie: Yes.

Caldwell: I- I see it! A little swath of green light in the darkness over the table. Is that it?

Fay: Oh my goodness there it is!

Klip: Wow, I…wow. A ghost.

Sadie: Speechless at last, aye Klip? Ghost, would you care to greet the group?

Ghost: Mmkay. Uh, boooo I’mma ghost! I am a ghooooost! Ooooooh eeeeee OOOOoooo boo! Boo! Oooooaaaaaaa waaaaaaa, ooooOOOOooooo ghost! Ghost!

MUSIC CUTS OUT

Sadie: Now first, for all those present, living and dead, allow me to explain the rules of this game: the living shall ask the dead a series of yes or no questions in order to discern what they can about the dead or death or the secrets of the universe that the dead might know. After ten no answers we shall release you with gratitude oh spirit. We will begin with the general questioning with Mr. Klipspringer.

Klip: Oh, spirit. [chuckles] Hmm. Not sure what to ask… Did you, when you were alive, work for a profit-making organization?

Ghost: Yeeeeesssssss.

Klip: Oh, look at that one out of one. Did you deal in services?

Ghost: Mmmyeeeeeesssss.

Klip: And were your services available to both men and women?

Ghost: [flat] Yes.

Klip: Did you wear something other than standard dress whilst performing your service?

Ghost: NoaaAAOoo, No.

Sadie: Well that’s one down. And nine to go. Mr. Caldwell. Not under the chairs yet are we?

Caldwell: No. Now Mr. Ghost, is it possible that in your position as a professional ghost you might know more about the nature of the universe than, say, I would as a living person?

Ghost: Ohhhhhuuuummmmmm

Sadie: A small conference.

[whispering]

Ghost: Yes.

Sadie: I- I think it would be fair to stipulate that yes, the ghost might, in the strictest sense might more about the universe without claiming to know everything about it. Ghost: Yes.

Caldwell: Do you have knowledge to the answers to the big questions, for example 'why are we here' and the like? Ghost: Mmmyes.

Sadie: [whispering] Another small conference.

[whispering]

Ghost: [clears throat] Yes.

Sadie: Now, not to mislead the séance our guest has answers to big questions that are most certainly informed by his death but aren’t necessarily the answers.

Caldwell: Well now I’m utterly confused. I guess my question would have to be: Are the Protestants right about everything?

Ghost: No.

Caldwell: Darn! Backed the wrong horse.

Sadie: Yes. Well that’s two down eight to go. And speaking of two down eight to go my cup seems to runneth under.

Caldwell: Well I’d pour you another but we’re all holding hands. Shall I let go?

Sadie: No, no that would be bad. Mr. Ghost be a dear would you? [TWINKLE FX]

[DRINK POURING FX] Caldwell: Why, it looks like the bottle is pouring itself! I don’t believe it! Sadie: Someday science will catch up with our dreams and make a self-pouring bottle a reality but untill then we make due.

Klip: Not that I’m advocating the releasing of hands but in our current position however will you drink your drink? Sadie: [muttering] Good point Klipspringer.[louder] Let’s wrap this up promptly shall we?

Fay: But it’s my turn.

Sadie: Yes, yes, alright. Mrs. Fay ask away.

Fay: It’s Ms. Fay.

Sadie: Of course it is. Fay: What’s that supposed to mean? …Nevermind. Ghost! When you were alive, did you live here in the Empire State?

Ghost: BoooOOoo I’m a ghost! Fay: What does that mean?

Ghost: I’m a ghost, bOOoooo! Sadie: He’s- [sigh] he’s being uncooperative. Uh- [pause] Perhaps a different line of questioning? Fay: But-…Oh alright. Mr. Ghost. It is Mister is it not? May we assume from your voice that you are a man, and it is not a deeper register of ghosts, with which we are unfamiliar?

Ghost: Boo?

Sadie: Were you a man darling?

Ghost: Oh, uh yes.

Fay: And when you were a man, were we acquainted?

Sadie: Do you believe you know this ghost?

Fay: Well I hope so! While you were calling him I was thinking quite hard about a man I’d most like to see again hoping that it might work to bring his ghost to me.

Klip: Oh not this again- Fay: [angry] YES THIS AGAIN EWING KLIPSPRINGER!

Caldwell: Dee did you start up all this séance business so you could see Jay again?

Sadie: And not because of my exploits?

Ghost: BooOOoo!

Sadie: Yes ‘Boo’ is right.

Fay: Is it you Jay? Say it’s you. Sadie: No, do not instruct the ghost.

Fay: I’ve been so long without you. If it is you I need to know. Tell me ghost were you the one I want with all my heart?

Ghost: BOOOoooOO.

Fay: The one who wanted me with all of his?

Ghost: BooooOOO Fay: DAMN YOU AND YOUR BOOS! Sadie: Speaking of booze, uh, let’s, let’s wrap this up. Ghost please, answer the question and be done with it.

Ghost: Ooooooo.

Fay: I have so many questions.

Sadie: Do be mindful that you only ask the yes or no variety Ms. Fay.

Fay: Well I tried didn’t I? I asked if you were here and you gave me boo! What in the world do you mean by that? Why won’t you give me peace!? Sadie: That’s not a yes or a no! [groan]

SPOOKY MUSIC

Sadie: Now you’ve done it. You’ve freed him. Ghost: [groaning] Sadie: [annoyed] The reason we have rules is to keep the deceased bound. Now that you’ve broken the rules with your essay question he’s free to haunt us!

Fay: Well, he started it. He wouldn’t answer yes or no. Sadie: Oh, I see. Very mature. [gruff voice] He started it! Caldwell: [very scared] Excuse me, but what does a haunting entail? He interjected in a frightened voice from under his chair! SMASH FX Sadie: Oh!

MUSIC CUTS OUT

Sadie: C-could be anything from slight mischief to sinister doings. On the upside, we can stop holding hands. Klip: You call that an upside? Sadie: Definitely, as I am free to enjoy this drink and the next one.

SMASH FX Klip: Hm, Sadie you gotta do something. Sadie: I rather thought I was, glug glug glug. Klip: Something else. Sadie: Let Ms. Fay do it, she broke the rules.

Fay: But only after the ghost broke the rules first. If he had answered yes or no instead of boo!

Sadie: Well I’m only an expert darling but it seems to me that the reason he wouldn’y answer your question was because he didn't know the answer. Is that the case ghost?

Ghost: Yes.

Sadie: Sounds as if he is your fellow…and he’s blocked out all of the nasty bits of his life and his death. You’re rather haunted by your past aren’t you darling?

Fay and Ghost: …Yes.

SMASH FX

Caldwell: S-See here Jay, if it is you sorry as all get out for what happened, now be a gentlemen and go away or so help me I’ll come out from under this chair and- and go hide behind the curtains! Then you’ll be sorry.

Fay: Jay? It’s me Jay. It’s Dee.

HERE’S TO US INSTRUMENTAL

Sadie: [aside] It’s a regular alphabet convention in here isn’t it?

Fay: I’m sorry Jay. I wanted to tell you that, I never got the chance. I left my husband you know. I left Tom and I’ve been living my life as you lived yours. Pining for you, the way you once pined for me. Throwing elite parties and not enjoying them. I’ve got séances in the center just to see you, and here you are.

Sadie: Isn’t quite how you imagined is it? Fay: No. Please put down the table Jay. TABLE SMASH FX

Fay: Maybe, maybe if I say the words I never found the courage to say, maybe we’ll both know peace? Caldwell: Could that work?

Sadie: I’m sorry I was over here by the bar I couldn’t hear, what?

Fay: I love you Jay. I’m always loved you and I always will. My love for you comes as naturally as breathing and I’d sooner stop breathing then loving you if it would be easier. I miss your smile that silly thing. Oh Jay, Jay, Jay! Caldwell: Well Jay, what do you say? Ghost: Owoooaahhhhhhh. SMASH FX

MUSIC CUTS OUT

Caldwell: Well…I was moved. If I had someone to love like that I wouldn’t be here. Unless he wanted to come here. Anyway…I feel empty. Klip: Sadie I can’t barely suppress it any longer, I love you. I always have. Dee’s love for Jay is…spit in the ocean compared to my love for you. [aside] Not that it’s a contest. [louder] But if it were I’d win! My hair loves you. The bottoms of my feet love you. Everything in between loves you. And I know in the upper middle between hair and foot bottoms, that is to say I know in my heart that you love me too. Caldwell: Quite a proclamation! What do you say Mrs. Doyle?

Sadie: I wish Mr. Doyle were here.

Klip: Sadie how could you betray what I know in my heart? Sadie: Well how could you Klip, after all these years to reveal you’ve meant all that you’ve said!? Frank was right about you all along! And to think I defended you. Ugh, I owe Frank such an apology. May I use your phone? [aside] Oh, but Frank’s likely stuck in the liqueur cabinet and can’t answer. [louder] I knew we should’ve put a line installed in there for this exact situation! Jay: Daisy? Is-is that you Daisy?

Fay: Jay?

Jay: Oh Daisy. I’ve been such a fool I-I couldn’t remember you no matter how hard I tried and [ghost voice] It made me angry. Sorry about your table, I-I don’t know what snapped me out of it.

Sadie: I’m only an expert but I’d wager you recognized your own pathetic unrequitedness in Klip’s one sided amour.

Jay: Maybe.

INSTRUMENTAL HERE’S TO US

Fay: Well, you remember now. Shall I repeat the extent of my love? Jay: No no, I- I got it.

Fay: And? Jay: Uh, back at ya….back, back at you. Back at you.

Fay: That’s it? Jay: Shall I make it more flowery or? Sadie: Well, well on the nose is best for you’re fading away darling. What kept you ghosting all these years was the lack of closure to your story. Now that you’ve achieve closure you’ll be moving on. That’s my guess of course, my expert guess.

Caldwell: He- he is fading! You’re just a green light old man and getting duller by the second!

Jay: I- I can- I can feel it, I shant waste my last moments. I- I love you Daisy. Like Romeo loved Juliet times six! Uh, no!

DISCORD NOTES

Jay: Seven! Uh Eight! Uh I lov- [fading] Niiiiiiiiiiiiine!

‘HERE’S TO US’ INSTRUMENTAL CUTS OUT

Fay: He’s gone…forever this time.

DISCORD NOTES STOP

Fay: Dear, dear Jay.

Sadie: [pause] Well this has been a lovely party.

Klip: Yes, I’d say we all learned an important lesson and that’s that true love fades. And when it does for you Sadie dear I’ll be waiting now, can I drive you home? Sadie: Klip I believe I shall take a cab. Right now. Goodnight.

CLINK FX

DOOR OPENING FX

FOOTSTEPS FX

Sadie: Taxi!

CAR STOPPING FX

DOOR OPENING FX Sadie: Plaza! DOOR CLOSING FX

DRIVING FX

BRAKING FX

DOOR OPENING FX

Sadie: Keep the change!

DOOR CLOSING FX

FOOTSTEPS FX

Walter: Evening Mrs. Doyle!

Sadie: Walter.

FOOTSTEPS FX ELEVATOR DINGING FX

FOOTSTEPS FX

DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING FX Sadie: Frank I’m home! I learned something about true love tonight and I remembered it all the way home. You were correct about Ewing Klipspringer and, and. Ooh Frank I’m thirsty. I love you and I’m thirsty!

BOTTLE POURING FX

Sadie: Keep pouring I’ll say when.

BOTTLE POURING FX

Sadie: Wh- Spooky Hal: Not everyone can have the spirited romance of Frank and Sadie. Others must deal with what remains. OUTRO

#beyond belief transcripts #thrilling adventure hour transcripts #she blinded me with seance #beyond belief

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