thoughtlessperception

[thoughtlessperception]

its living in the now

my mind is cluded and ive decided to take a leave of absence from the music and some of the shows i watch in order to get a better understanding of what all is going on around me. Ive been ,giving too much within and not enough out

artistic work and childsplay bothat their fullest are experiences of being lost in the present, entirely occupied.

i def saw that within my mediations back then. and have been living with a childlike wonder that resembles being lost in the percent.

As i type this im reading Trhe Art of Description i need to find what works for me the best. learning all these ways that worjk for others has been what I've been doing for a longtime. i cant remember what has worked for me and what hasn't

[thoughtlessperception]

elipses and typos

attempting to gain control of who iam and who I've become is seemingly an

i struggle to hold conversations still and form sentences in the mirror or sometimes even vaguely reflect what is in my mind. i type this with tens of typos and backspacing. my mind speeds past where i actually am thinking ahead to the unknown while my words and fingers are left behind as i forget what i even wanted to type or say. it is actually embarrassing

and i say that after thinking i don't get embarrassed often. i am unsure of who iam

i am unsure of who i was recently and who i could be

i know not of what i want to be entirely, only happy. always happy, its all I've ever wanted to be. loved too

i want the goosbumps on my skin top creep through the floor, air, and sound waves to be understood? i don't know if what i just said was even true

its actually kind of late and for once i did everything i set out to do today and i am ending with writing.

in 4 days i will make my wayh back to NC for stephaines wedding. I feel like before id have been a bit more pensive and see things differently. I've know steph for a long time and i don't even feel much about this her starting a new life. i cant remember too clerarlyi f i felt anything about dylan and tricas wedding

am i still broken?

feels like it. i want to be moved. my mid feels so crowded an everything looks so hazy and trasnslucent.

i should meditate and breath in the morning, maybe mediate on the porch..i like the sound of that

im signing off. hopefully i come back here and use this the vent more often

[thoughtlessperception]

I’m really down. I want to run away I want to start everything over I want to find whatever it is I’m looking for I want everything in my head to quite down

I’m want to cry till I feel better

I need to breath I need to see something more

I dont think that wearing my heart on my sleeve has made any impact on my life. I dont think my life has gotten any better because i say more of what i feel I dont think anyone really cares I don’t know what this all is and why it all matters..

I want peace within myself.

[thoughtlessperception]

In the middle of an existential crisis.

I wake up a lot of mornings and wonder why it is i do that.

Keep reading

[thoughtlessperception]

oh, i forgot to post. but i HATE how right i was. we didnt go hiking cause she was sick and couldnt do anything for the majority of the day.

[thoughtlessperception]

shell be sick tomorrow started drinking at 4 and ive yet to see a good night when that happens.  started drinking and got on the phone with julie. proceeds to keep drink. all plans to do the boxes, take a showe, watch a movie are so far gone.  has a conversation with stella on the floor of the kitchen. i wanted to cook, i asked if they could move. i got drunken attitude.  wait an hour i ask again via text and get a “no” I ask if we can switch places, im simply trying to cook really quick.  I get no response so i got and start making my way to putting my food in the oven drunken annoyance at its finest.  were supposed to go hike tomorrow but i DOUBT that will happen. before i was skeptical. no i straight up dont hink it will happen. she’ll be sick in the morning, either hungover or thyroid. Shell have to sleep all day and cancel her other things. the day wont start. 

[thoughtlessperception]

there is way too much shit in this house after this coat event and its stressing me the fuck out. on top of the amount of amazon bins i brought back up theres a mountain of amazon boxes outside. JFC. I WILL BE IN THIS CLOSET FOR EVER

[thoughtlessperception]

the feeling of loneliness isnt ever gonna go away

im starting think i never left my EC

its tumblr again. death scroll

never left that room. blinds sand door still shut.

red light on overhead

sometimes i float

[thoughtlessperception]

cant have a conversation without having perfect opening delivery Being truly open with my feelings is usely met with friction or a wall its why i dont like to open up. if any issues involve you its an immediate turn off.

is leaving better? should i just get away?

[thoughtlessperception]

do not disturb ✨ on hiatus

[thoughtlessperception]

[thoughtlessperception]

Breathe deep and let your mind hear, feel and see what’s at this very moment.♥️

[thoughtlessperception]

am i doing my best? 

im not, but trying is so hard sometimes wwhnever tyheres so much going on in this house

i have zero control over what goes on in my enviorment, and it feels like whenever i sart to do something for me i get interrrupted and havce to do something else. if i dont, im made to feel bad and i feel the repercussions of not helping later. 

“tharts not work”

what im doing is not work. I “sat in a closet” while she buolt an army. 

i idnt move out here to do what shes doing. I came here to push my ideas to the world becuase i belived it was LA that was one of the most influential places. I got rid and left my old life to come here to push my ideas not to follow someone else. And when i say that it doesnt mean i dont belived their way is the right way. Theres more than one answer. 

Am i wasgting my potential currently? I feel inbebted to her because i cant pay for a basic way of life without living in my car. But i dont want to use my potential to do something my heart isnt fully in.  Im going to die eventually, and after that whats the point? 

I want to leae the world a better place but im too selfish to sacrifice my own happiness for it. Id rather die.  So thats why i want to do my best to be able to do what i love and help others while doing so. 

[thoughtlessperception]

What  is the point

i find myself asking this. Its not a question i ask consciously but one thats at the root of everything i want to do. 

now? the point is to live without moving back to NC, though i think i found an opening there that i like. close to free therapist

Im still here doing absoultly shit with my life.  I should tell some strories or something.

adhd is a bitch, i try to explain it to people

the knife and the gun are still euphoric

they are the most calming images i have

i cant say what i actually fell to the person thats closest to me without push back. mostly when i disagree with a dision theyve made. i find myself watching to see if their dision is good or not. or if theyll come to the conclusions ive made themselves. 

im tired 

when i say im tired i mean, i dont want to do alll the things required in order to be happy

Im tired

i want to try but not to the extent of what i deem to be pointless

whats pointless though, nothing is pointless, things can just be in the beaten path of on the way to you goals

i want freedom its close to impossible to have now. 

Freedom is the bird, the spideron the roof, the water crashing into the sand. But are they really free?  The spider might rather be inside, the waves follow the moons lead, and the birds would be happier if we wernt here.

[thoughtlessperception]

Imagine starting a business and you invest a lot of money and youre to get nothing in return

Cant imagine investing thousands of dollars to do something that you believe in and see nothing for it.  Cant imagine getting rid of all security that i know to invest in myself and have nothing to show for it after 2 years I cant imagine

No I cant imagine what it would be like to have never invested any of that money on classes, or website, or any of the money it took to move all the way across the country,  I cant imagine what it would've been like to have my the secure life i had made for myself,  I cant imagine investing everything my friends family taught me and entrusted to me make them proud to still have nothing to show for it,

Im less of the business i was before because i chose to invest.  Ive invested a lot more than money. Ive invested everything i have and everything i have known to be here and seemingly fail, Ive not been able to invest in my business like i was before, 

So maybe youre right. Ive nothing left to invest.

[thoughtlessperception]

Im being selfish for sure, But excuse me fir being defensive, Can you blame me?

I moved out here with the goal of changing the world for the better by meeting people and creating a team that wanted to do some of the same things. The way i saw it originally was i needed to gain some sort of notoriety and stature in able to do so. One of the things i best at is bringing people together. I cant do that if i dont have any stature.  Currently living in this house I cant record. Its so much what i want to do. I want to live inside that room so badly i just teared up thinking about it. Abandoned everything I had in NC to come here and chase this. Im still at the point where i believe i have no limitations and I think im stupid for thinking that. I cant practice the way i want to and its killing meeeeeeeeeeeee

I dont think that i am being taking seriously enough in this and that is where i feel i am being selfish. She is doing something for the world. The way she envisions it more or less. I can honestly say im not jealous. She has been here long enough and made the friends necessary to do the things she wants.  But i do want the chance to create the world i envisioned. 

[thoughtlessperception]