thoughtsat332am-blog

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I remember how much I loved you

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08/23/17, 11:27 PM

I love you. But I’m sure you knew that already because nothing is more obvious. Like I said before, I’m one of the girls that fell for you cause you’re nice to girls.

When I met you, you’d text me every day, telling me how cute I was and stuff. I’d wake up every morning, starting the day by looking for my phone cause you started to become the first thing on my mind, similarily I’d end the day with you being the last thing I think of before I go to sleep. Trust me, this was when I was the happiest I’d ever been.

But now things are different. I don’t know why and I really wish they weren’t. Things are different even though I love you more now than I ever have, my knees still go weak every time you touch me. You still give me butterflies. I don’t know what happened and I hate it. What was the point of meeting you if we’re just going to be strangers again.

I blame myself. And I told you I would if we ended. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. I’m sorry I wasn’t worth fighting for. Not that it means much from someone as worthless as me but damn I’m going to miss you.

I loved you more. I love you more. So please listen to me when I say, girls fall for you because you’re nice to them, but the one that matters is the one you have, so be nice to her. Be nicer to this next girl than you were to me. It’s funny, cause like I said, I love you so much, so imagine how much more this next girl will love you if youre nice to her.

She won’t love you as much as I could, but still, who knows. I fell hard for you so I can promise you she'll fall hard for you too.

Replace me, I’m sure you can do it. It doesn’t seem like you’ll have a hard time doing it. Go through with the plans we made. Except replace me.

I want you to finish university, with her preferablly. I can’t imagine how it’ll feel to find yourself with the person you want to find yourself with.

I want you to find a nice place to live together. Wake up every morning beside each other, have breakfast in bed, and cuddle up at night with Canada’s shitty weather. That sounds real nice. I wish that for you.

I can’t wait till you marry the same girl. After every thing you guys have gone through, now youre together with the love of your life until death. Shes yours now more than shes ever been. Now every time you introduce her, you get to say, “This is my wife.”

I can’t wait till youre a dad too. I know youve always wanted kids. Theyre gonna look just like you. If youre lucky, theyre gonna look like her, but trust me shes going to get tired taking care of them. So I want you to give her a break some time, and sing your kids to sleep in her place while she rests.

Don’t forget to take pictures. Cause sometimes it’ll be hard to remember how happy you once were. They’ll be there to remind you that it’s possible to be that happy again. Trust, I wish I had that little help.

This next girl man. Luckiest human being alive. You can’t even begin to imagine how much it hurts me to know that girl in your future is no longer me.

Anyway, thanks for loving me. I guess it really is hard to, but you still did I think, for a certain amount of time.

This next girl too, make sure shes like me. Not as in personality or anything. I just mean make sure shes as lucky as me when I had you. I was lucky. Make sure this girl is too, because I can’t tell you how lucky and blessed I felt to be loved by you. You were one of the blessings I thanked God for every weekend mass but I guess I didn’t thank Him hard enough.

Thanks for giving me the chance of being the one, but obviously I’m not and it hurts like hell.

But I still love you and I always will. I'll wait around for you. I hope you become as happy as I was, even if you don't end up coming back.

I love you siomai.

- Crishia

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And sometimes we don't see each other for so long that I forget what it feels like to love him. But it's okay because when we do finally see each other, I just fall in love all over again.

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01/15/2017, 3:12AM

I dunno. I think we could last. I sure as hell want to. He doesn't really have to do much to make me smile, all he has to do is call me and that first hi spreads the biggest, stupidest smile on my face. Like I've said before, I want him to be the one and that scares me. Because what if he isn't and I'm just so incredibly in love with him and thats why I think he is. And thats why I'm scared because I really really want him to be the one even though there'll be times where I hate his insides. Cause I know at the end of the day, I have this person that loves me completely. I mean hopefully he does. The problem with me is that I don't want to be oblivious, I always am looking for signs in him that could be hints to him leaving me because this kid is unfortunately the source of maybe 85% of my happiness. And I say unfortunately because if he leaves I'll be fucked up. So that's why I look for signs of decreasing interest because I want to be prepared. Cause then at least I won't wake up one day and boom, surprise, gone. This way, I won't be killed completely. Back to looking for signs, I don't know if it seems like it or not, but I am not the most confident girl out there. Especially when it comes to guys like him. Guys I'm willing to give my 100% to. When I'm single, I don't really care, I'm single, who's to impress, I'm not gonna give a hella lot of effort to guys that just walk past me. So in a way I am confident, because I couldn't care any less. I think that way now, except when he looks at another girl really long. I don't say anything cause that'd be crazy. Instead I look at her too, like why is he looking so long? Yeah, she's pretty. And this is when my confidence drops. I dunno I can't help it. What do I have that she doesn't? Honestly probably nothing. So then I look at him and I think to myself, why don't you just leave me? And I'm not angry, I'm just logically thinking. This other girl is me and more, so why not just leave? Going from me to her is like levelling up, upgrade, promotion. So why are you still here? And then this is where the overthinking starts too. Oh he might just not want to risk it, cause she might not give him the same things I give him, if you know what I mean. So then it's just the sex then. She might not give him that. He's safer with me. There's a bigger chance he'll get sex a lot if he stays with me. It's not hard to think that way cause hes a guy. Is that sexist? But at the same time, it is hard to think that way. Cause I don't want to think that low of him. Thinking of anybody that low isn't good. He means a lot to me. He's not perfect, but I don't know, neither am I. Why should I leave when I'm considered the lucky one. I think of him leaving me more than I'm proud to say. So here's my break up letter. I was always good at that. Writing letters. At this moment, I have no clue why we broke up. I can only guess it's cause you found someone better. Sorry. Again, I'm pretty sure you know I'm insecure as fuck. You know why? I still can't believe that you chose me to love. I am so incredibly lucky to have been loved by you believe it or not. But if that isn't the case, and I left you, I don't know what to say. Whether I'm angry right now or dying inside, it doesn't matter, either way, I just want to say, thank you for loving me for as long as you did and believe it or not, but I loved you just as much. You might be calling bullshit on that today but trust I'm balling my eyes just writing this and there is 0 chance we're breaking up where we are. It's 8 days away from 4 months together and I'm so happy. So if you're reading this, I still have no possible idea of what couldve went wrong, but again. Thank you for loving me. I seriously thought you were going to be the one. I was ready for your proposal, I didn't give if we were only 16 lmao who cares, no one has to know. Propose now with a sterling silver ring with a plastic diamond and marry me after the next 6 years, I didn't give lol, I was down for that, I was just waiting on you. So much for that future. What a waste yo. But oh well. Hopefully you'll have a future like the one we were supposed to have, but with someone else. It'd be great if you dated someone kinda like me. Not as in looks or personality wise, I just mean hopefully you date someone that would be just as lucky as me when I had you. Date someone lucky to have you cause I can't tell you how it feels to be that lucky. Treat her better than you treated me but make sure she's the one because if you're giving her more than you gave me, like when you would kiss my cheeks, or my forehead, or my tummy, or when you walked back on sore legs from basketball practice through the freezing cold just to give me 2 macarons, or when you'd skype me to sleep, or when you told me how i cute i was everyday, or when you said you loved me, make sure shes the one because she'll never let you go. Tbh, whenever I go to church, I thank God for my blessings, meaning I'd always thank him for you. You made me so happy. Idk I can see you laughing at this but seriously, you were a blessing to me. I thought that maybe if I thanked the God I believe in hard enough, maybe I wouldn't lose you. But I guess I ended up losing you anyways. Don't feel bad. Like I always told you, there's better than me out there. So I'm happy for you if you did find someone to replace me. But if you haven't and I left you, same thing, there's better than me out there trust me, even today I'm telling you theres better than me, so don't be chapped cause I'm not a loss. I'll miss you though. I'm sorry we didn't work out. I wrote this because I didn't want to fail to thank you for loving me just cause I might be too angry or too sad to when we broke up. I also wrote this to make sure you love someone else after me cause like I said, I can't tell you how it feels to be loved by you. Thank you for loving me for as long as you did. Thank you for kissing me, for holding me, and for telling me you loved me every day. I lived for those moments. Go make someone else happier than I was. I thought I was always good at writing you letters, so there's your last one. Loved you, - Goof.

[thoughtsat332am-blog]

I never expected her. Sometimes people sneak up on you and suddenly you don’t know you ever lived without them.

Elle Kennedy, The Deal (via thelovejournals)

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Dont leave me, God damn it.

- shianell

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talking about what’s fair

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the difference between you and me is that I free my time to talk to you while you talk to me in your free time.

misjudgments (via misjudgments)

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But I don’t want small talk. Text me, and without saying hello, tell me why you got so angry at your sister this morning. Tell me why you have a scar shaped like Europe on the left side of your neck. Send me paragraphs about the time you spent at your grandmother’s house that one summer. Call me when I’m half asleep and tell me why you believe in God. Tell me about the first time you saw your dad cry. Go on for hours about things that may not seem important because I promise that I’ll be hanging on to every word you say. Tell me everything. I don’t want someone who just talks about the weather.

(via bl-ossomed)

[thoughtsat332am-blog]

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You know how when you’re in a car and it’s pouring down rain, you go under a bridge and everything stops. Everything goes silent and it’s almost peaceful. Then you finally get from under the bridge, and everything hits you a little harder than before. You were my bridge.

Anonymous (via lavenderrd)

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And you never liked brunettes but now every time you see a girl with chocolate hair and mocha eyes your heart speeds up, and you never were one for healthy eating but all of the sudden you can’t get enough strawberries, as you try to relive the taste of her skin on your tongue. The days seem long and the nights seem lonelier, and you curse the day you told her that she loved you too much. Sure you were her world, but you realize that she was your sun, and without her you’re lost in space, with nothing to orbit around & call home. You always told her you loved her more, and the next few times you see her the words almost slip out of your mouth, you try and be just friends but you can’t help but tell her how beautiful you think she is, and holding her hand feels too right for it to be casual. But the girl who once gave you everything without hesitation now has walls up around her still broken heart, and you so desperately want to have her back in your arms as yours, for more than just a night. But she was yours, and you told her not to be. Your heart clenches at the thought of her being with anybody else, but you let her go. And no amount of strawberries in the world is as sweet as your first love.

//and i hope it makes you think (via toxiccwords)

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Whenever we talk about when we met you have this look that I don’t even think you realize you’re doing. Your half smile is filled with words that hang on your lips and refuse to fall - but there isn’t a single ounce of regret in your eyes. So believe me… if this somehow ends or I die tomorrow, this will have been enough.

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #18 (via owlbejustfine)

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“Don’t look at me like that,” he says to me. “Why not?” I asked in curiosity. “Because,” he explained, “it makes my heart race and my hands sweat. Every time I see the love for me in your eyes I explode with my love for you in mine. It’s a silent exchange, but we both feel it.”

will be an excerpt from a book I’m writing (via https-absent)

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When your heart is broken you plant seeds in the cracks and pray for rain.

Andrea Gibson (via thelovejournals)

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“God, we’re going to destroy each other.” “Probably.” A small smile. “But isn’t that the point?”

H.L. // excerpt from a book I’ll never write #29 // “come on, baby. break my heart.” (via 451seconds)