thoughtsburn

[thoughtsburn]

HIDDEN LOVE (dir. Lee Ching Jung)

[thoughtsburn]

Officially the end…

Thank you for talking to me on the day when I was depressed. You said “one last time and you can block me” I kept saying no but you pushed it on me. It may be fake but I cried really hard when you cared for me that night, when you asked if I was safe. I really wanted to hug you and cry in your arms…so I let myself see you again. Not to my surprise, you unfollowed me to which I found out you proposed to her on my birthday. I had no more tears to cry, I was just sad. I felt like I was disposable, felt like I meant nothing to you at all. It’s okay, I will be better and hopefully I will forget about you. It may take some time but I will move on.

Congratulations on your new house and engagement. You will do so well in life with her and that is something I can never give you…

Thank you for the 7 years. I really loved and wanted to be with you even though I know it’s impossible. Thank you for being in my life temporarily. I will hold these memories with me for life.

[thoughtsburn]

I finally told you…

I finally had the courage to tell you I’m growing feelings for you, even though I know I’m getting nothing back. You said “I don’t know what to say” was enough for me to know that you don’t feel the same. Even the way you have sex with me changed and I spent this weekend crying and mourning the loss of you. But I do wish you all the best with her and without me now, we can all move forward. Thank you for making me think that you cared for me, it was a lovely dream for me. I’m going to cry one last time and I will stop thinking about you.

[thoughtsburn]

Goodbye, yet again.

I feel like I’m back here again...lol

Where should I start? Thank you for “talking” to me these past 5 years when I needed company. I saw you more of a friend than anything else, that’s why when you said “last time” it broke me. I know it’s hard for females and males to be friends with no strings attached but I just wanted to believe it. I’ve also lost myself on the way and I’ve hurt a lot of people. I know it’s wrong and I know what I’m getting for this but I couldn’t to feel attracted to you...I always do this so it’s nobody’s fault. But I need to move on and forget about you. I will try my best to find another distraction so I can transfer the emotions from you to someone else. One day you will get married and be happy with everything you have accomplished and I will still be here. It fucking hurts but I can’t do anything about it.

And lastly, maybe I do like you? But who knows? No one would care anyways.

[thoughtsburn]

“You know, Nana… Even now, sometimes on street corners… when I meet someone, I see your shadow. I’m sure that even now, you’re still wearing that man’s cologne… so you can sleep, even alone.” merry christmas natsuiwashimizu, from your secret santa ♡

[thoughtsburn]

If the ocean is nearby, then I can die whenever I want. Those kinds of thoughts bring me some peace. I think I can try to go on living for another day. Another day. Trying hard for another day. I want to be connected to this life. You know, Hachi… I came to this place searching for somewhere to die. So what in the world am I still doing here? You know, Hachi… When I’m embraced by the sea breeze, the sound of the waves has such a sweet allure. But I cannot throw away this life that you saved.

[thoughtsburn]

poem for nana 

[thoughtsburn]

5/3/2021: It’s been a while...

I honestly never knew how paths will cross again, but it did. I thought I was going to be okay and leave in one piece. Yet again, I was wrong. I didn’t leave in one piece, instead I left with a broken heart.

We have been on and off sleeping and talking with each other for 6 years. Nothing has changed with you but everything has changed with me. I started to grow something that I didn’t know I would. It only just hit me this past weekend of how much I actually like you and want you in my life. I broke down thinking that you will never be with me because you have someone as perfect as her. She gets along with you, your family and all your friends. And I can’t help to be super jealous...but I don’t hate her. In fact, I inspire to be someone like her. I completely understand why a guy will choose her over me. She will make you happy and that’s all I want for you, really. 

Letter to you:

I want you to be happy, although it will kill me but that is something I need to work on. Please look after yourself and make your girl happy as well. I don’t think I ever thought of seeing you again or having these emotions for you, but I underestimated myself. You will get married and be really happy with her, and I can’t help to feel sad for myself. But what can I do? I can only support and wish you all the best. Surely one day my happiness will come.

[thoughtsburn]

"If I fall in love again, a cold man would be okay. He wouldn't have to satisfy my endless selfishness. However, the day after an argument, he would give me a single flower, and tell me that he loves me. That type of man." 🌹

[thoughtsburn]

拓实跟蕾拉上床是为了宣布我要你了，从此你身边有我，我不会对你置之不理？

拓实跟蕾拉上床可以说他自己本来没有这个意思的，但是蕾拉自己说愿意做情妇不愿意再忍了，又说寂寞快死了，拓实觉得蕾拉不能幸福是自己造的孽，他只能用身体回报了不知道还能怎么样。他去找蕾拉之前一副舍身取义的样子对奈奈说虽然我见异思迁但是真心喜欢的只有奈奈你一个。 我觉得拓实知道他和蕾拉上床之后意味着什么，蕾拉就不再是他心里的那个圣域了，他这个举动是要告诉蕾拉我能给你的我都给你了，你迷恋我也许是个错误，你迷恋我不会得到幸福。他自己说过蕾拉也许是被囚禁的人爱上了罪犯，自己迷失了而已。 莲说拓实这么做是为了乐队，确实是，拓实守护的是蕾拉的声音，他觉得像天使的声音。拓实的意思并不是说决定和蕾拉一起下地狱啊，他不想啊你听不出来吗，他说如果没有奈奈哪里都是战场，他害怕奈奈知道他和蕾拉上床，害怕奈奈离开，即使蕾拉要拖他下地狱，他要为蕾拉不能够幸福负责，他希望奈奈和孩子好好活着。是他困住蕾拉，他知道，他也知道自己会付出代价，他要是跟蕾拉下地狱不是因为终于想和她在一起在她身边了而是迫不得���，是要为自己因为恋妹情结毁了一个女人幸福恕罪。 其实拓实和蕾拉上床之后反而这两个人可以看清现实了，以前确实是互相迷恋可是拓实对蕾拉早就是兄妹之情蕾拉却还不明白，上床之后蕾拉明白了拓实对她的爱恋停留在了童年。 奈奈结婚之后并没有让拓实操心过，蕾拉是不断出事情，所以拓实花很多精力在蕾拉身上，但我有时候会想如果拓实知道奈奈和伸夫后来的一些暧昧，恐怕他的不冷静和打击不会亚于蕾拉给他的，就像生日会的时候他发现奈奈视线一直在伸夫身上之后就爆发了，只能说奈奈比较好脾气又顺着拓实，拓实三两下就把奈奈抢回来了，蕾拉是个麻烦，拓实跟她之间一辈子扯不清，但是早就不是爱情了。 还有，拓实自己可能都没有意识到自己多爱奈奈，莲之前点醒过他一次，他才明白自己喜欢奈奈，莲死了之后他自己跟奈奈说过我爱你，是真心的，他自己明白自己爱哪个女人。蕾拉像个任性的妹妹，拓实照顾她已经成了习惯，而且拓实一直是带着为自己造的孽恕罪的这么一份心情在照顾她。

[thoughtsburn]

KISS，然后牵着手，默默无语，走在前往便利店的路上。 呐，娜娜，到今天为止，我经历过很多场恋爱，会对我真心说出这样话语的人，原以为在现实中是不存在的，莲对娜娜，说过怎样的话呢？好想和娜娜交谈哦。 呐，娜娜，娜娜对莲说过怎样爱的话语呢？那个时候，唯独这个问题，无论如何都应该追问你的。那个猫脚浴缸，已经不在那里了。

奈奈

[thoughtsburn]

和莲一起生活的一年零三个月，在冰雪尚未融化的春天，结束了。没有说再见，然而两个人都清楚，分离是致命的，电话和信根本没有意义，无法拥抱在一起就没有任何意义，感受到莲无法用言语表达的寂寞，每个夜晚，都在我体内翻涌，比任何人都深切的感受到。直到现在还时常后悔，没有莲的每一天，特别是在这样漫天风雪的夜晚，谁来温暖他呢？和莲分开的一年零九个月，第二年得春天马上就要来临了，在三月的20岁生日，为努力的自己买了一份礼物，去东京的单程车票，手中的行李，只要有吉他和烟就够了。

娜娜

[thoughtsburn]

那一天，河岸上人山人海，没有遇见章司和他的女朋友，有种终于落幕的感觉。周围是一瞬间能将人吞没的人海，想要紧紧拉住娜娜的手，但…那双和伸夫相同温度的手，总觉得，我无法毫无顾虑地将其牵住，指尖触碰到的风，俞发冰冷。夏天，或许早就已经结束了。

奈奈

[thoughtsburn]

人生之路走得越久，所背负的包袱越是沉重。让你不能随心所欲地走，所以需要能与你一起分担，携手走下去的人。

芹泽蕾拉

[thoughtsburn]

阿八，我已经不能成为你故事里的英雄了，但至今在我的故事里，女主角的名字的名字仍是…奈奈，是无与伦比的可爱的你。

娜娜

[thoughtsburn]

阿八，人无论多少次反复互相伤害，爱着某个人的心情，决不是无意义的。那个时候，你给我的“情书”，我现在仍小心珍藏着。

娜娜

[thoughtsburn]

奈奈&拓实

奈奈对拓实而言就是个女人，他确实爱着奈奈。所以怕麻烦的他会尊重奈奈的决定，让奈奈把孩子生下来，所以他会跟奈奈结婚，所以他会把奈奈为他建造的白金家当成自己唯一的家，所以他会说失去奈奈无论去到哪里都是战场。只有在奈奈面前他才会变现出自己的疲惫和软弱，也只有奈奈才能平息他心中从小就一直有的烦躁不安，也只有奈奈才能让他得到真正的休息。没有人会去养去疼爱一个自己不爱之人的孩子，尤其是还不知道那个孩子是否是亲生的，也没有人会跟自己不爱的人结婚。而且因为要跟奈奈结婚，他差点失去了对自己而言最重要的东西——蕾拉的歌声，可是即使如此他还是选择了奈奈，因为他不能失去奈奈，这难道不算是爱么？拓实曾经说过：“我的确见异思迁，但真正喜欢的只有奈奈哦。”相信有不少人说过这里的拓实说的是谎话吧，因为他随后就和蕾拉发生了关系。对，拓实常常都说着谎话，可是这句话他说的却是事实。与蕾拉之间的关系，拓实总是尽全力的保持着不越线。可是因为真一的事情，蕾拉受了太大的打击，本来一直以来她爱拓实就爱得疲惫不堪了，加上这个打击，她已经无法支撑下去了。而且更可悲的是，她发觉自己长久以来都是在自欺欺人而已，“不论喜欢上谁，终究无法放弃的还是拓实身边的位子”。她或许会因为寂寞而喜欢上别人，但是她却无法再爱上拓实以外的人了。拓实为了保护自己最重要的歌姬，为了不失去那个对自己最重要的歌声，他毫无办法，唯一能做的就是让自己成为蕾拉的支柱，甚至不惜打破自己守了那么多年最后的防线，去沾污了那个自己唯一的圣域。所以在出门前他双眉微蹙，对奈奈说了那番肺腑之言。他皱眉不是因为奈奈的误会，而是无奈加无力感，他必须得去做一件自己不想做却又不得不做的事。他害怕，害怕结果会失去奈奈，他疲惫，所以希望看到奈奈真心的笑容。这时候是他最软弱无助的时候，因此，他说出那番话，那番难得的真心话。对刚开始的奈奈而言拓实是个华丽的存在，就像是童话里王子。可是现实是残酷的，拓实不是王子，所以他会禁不起诱惑的一次次的出轨，所以奈奈不是拓实的唯一，拓实也不会像小说里的主角那样，爱女主爱得死去活来的。现实中的诱惑很���有人能经得住，所以会有长辈说，女人要懂得学会原谅男人偶尔的出轨。奈奈也曾像个小女生样的天真过，所以她会在看到章司出轨的时候，头也不回连理由也不问的转头就走，所以她会被拓实的华丽所诱惑，所以她会被伸夫的温柔可爱所吸引。可是在她成为母亲后，她长大了，为了孩子，她成了个女人。她明白自己要守护什么，为此又会牺牲什么。奈奈真的不幸福吗？拓实花心常常出轨，可是相对的，奈奈心里不也还住着伸夫么。他们之间其实彼此而已，可是他们尊重对方，懂得如何去陪着支持对方，就像奈奈自己说的，拓实能包容她的一切。奈奈是寂寞的，拓实也是寂寞的，他们都是害怕寂寞且明白寂寞可怕的人，所以他们能互相包容互相支持。他们都精心的制造着那个属于他们的白金之家。不是有句话是这样说的么，往往能陪着自己的人不是自己最爱的人，也不是最爱的自己的人，而这个能陪着自己的人恰恰才是自己的幸福。拓实和奈奈便是如此，奈奈寂寞的时候，拓实会愿意出现陪着她，奈奈无助的时候，拓实温柔的鼓励着她，而奈奈又为拓实建造了一个能歇息的地方。他们爱着对方，却也不能说最爱对方，但是他们能一起携手走下去，这便是他们的幸福所在。奈奈很清楚的知道这点，所以她努力的守护着这个家。现实就是如此，没有人可以得到完全的幸福，都是在残酷的不幸中找到那属于自己的小小的幸福所在，这便已经是最幸福的了。所以奈奈不愿意离婚。拓实就像是童话中的王子一样，帅气，成熟，有钱，这是所有女生梦中的白马王子。可是现实确是相反的，没有完美的王子。所以拓实霸道，狂妄，自我，花心，又可以说得上是所有女生所痛恨的那种男人。现实是残酷的，可是现实中却也有着希望，有着些许的童话，就如拓实的温柔。他在奈奈怀孕最无助的时候陪着奈奈，鼓励着奈奈，给了奈奈无论是经济还是精神上的支持，也是在那时候他挽救了奈奈，感动了奈奈。这也便是拓实的魅力所在。