thoughtsofnowandagain

[thoughtsofnowandagain]

18 November 2024

Going back to the amera thing. We fell out a few years ago because I replied to her boyfriend story (him in his army uniform on a type of parade) saying 'handsome!x' and my intentions were misread and it opened up a whole can of worms. We've since reconciled, or perhaps let bygones by bygones, but we've not spoken or seen each other since. Things were said and the bottom line was like if she- a friend who I saw as my sister- would even think I'd be inappropriate, if she'd think like that of my character, I didn't even attempt to acknowledge those accusations. It was disrespectful of not only my character but my relationship with Sam. How can someone who I cried with, laughed with, partied with, mourned with, even question me like that.

It was so ridiculous I didn't even try to deny it. I refused to acknowledge that horror, and I knew right there and then that I'd be mourning the friendship but this time, on my own.

-

Fast forward to a few years later, as in now. I've clearly not gotten over that type of hurt. and I'm still hurt. Upon reflection, what do I miss from that friendship? She really was (and I presume still is) the life of the party. Losing her meant I lost everyone else too. Which I suppose is fine because I never really fit in and they had so many plans flying out the factory that I just couldn't keep up, financially or mentally. I was drained everytime I came home and I'm a retired party girl. So I'd much rather just stay home with a glass of wine or recently. with a can of pepsi max.

But I can't help but feel maybe I've changed. I keep yearning for that girl gang bond. Sure, I have friends. Friends that have their own lives, and girlfriends that are the girlfriends of Sam's friends. All so lovely but theres no lively group chat, theres no cocktails, theres no 'guess what happened today'. Have I changed enough to be enough for them now? I've always felt like the ugly friend, who was short and unshapely. But what if we just went for coffee? or Lunch? or maybe even a Dinner? Even the thought of it gets my heart rate up. If we met up for anything, I'd absolutely need my propranolol at arms reach at all times. Or actually, maybe I'll just stuff them in my cheeks like a chipmunk and just swallow one as and when i'd need it. Like a ad hoc pocket for survival.

Do I need a girl gang? Maybe. Maybe not. Sam doesn't spend every night with me. He works until 6, so by the time he comes home he will have dinner and then hop on to his computer to play games with his friends most nights. We've had to implement a 'baba night' system. I have him Wednesdays and Sundays. The other woman gets him Monday, Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. Usually we'd go out to the pub on Fridays and Saturdays. Though he'd argue that Fridays and Saturdays we go to the pub *Together* so they count as baba nights. But from my point of view, he goes to the pub to socialise and leave me at the table while he chats away at the bar and goes outside for a vape.

So okay, I'm lonely. I can't mention it to Sam anymore or he'll say that he feels guilty for playing games and using games to blow off steam from the working day. Which then makes me feel like I'm a manipulating bitch who wont let him hang out with his friends. I have things to entertain me, like games on my switch or a new series on one of the 20 streaming services we pay for. (At the moment it's SATC/ SATC films/AJLT- The girl gang tropes are not helpful to my yearning). However, I have ADD (Currently on year 57 of my journey to being diagnosed) so whatever I'm entertained with or more so pacified with isn't entertaining for very long and I'm right back into my slump of lonely. I'm just sat at home working for half a day as and when it's needed and then waiting for sam to come home like a dog. I don't want that anymore and it's been 6 years. 6 years of telling Sam I feel lonely and I need more and getting rewarded with 2 baba nights a week.

So is this girl gang fantasy worth risking my mental health? Or do I save my mental health and stay lonely?

[thoughtsofnowandagain]

18 November 2024

I finally logged back in. It's been a really big year of change.

Sam proposed back in October 2023 and we're currently planning our wedding for 2026. I've had Amera on my mind a lot this last year. Friend break ups are always really difficult, I always thought that she would be by me on my wedding day so I'm struggling to not message her and reach out but it's been so long and I miss the idea of her, not the chaos that always inevitably ensued.

Today, I've been thinking about 'to be loved is to be seen' and how in my past life, I was so het up about how people saw me thatI stuffed myself into this tiny metaphorical box and now, Sam celebrates the way that I am, so much that I feel like I'm really able to be as eccentric as I like without the judgement and I'm not scared to be seen anymore. Of course, there will always be room for improvement. Sam is horrible at buying gifts and I'm not sure he thinks of me unless he sees me but in the same breath, I really do feel seen and so loved. Right?

We're going to Hong Kong in January. It'll be me, sam, sarah (maybe james?) mum and dad. Super excited for that but it's a tall order moneywise. I hope we can affor dit and still have a really good time.

[thoughtsofnowandagain]

16 March 2023

Not much to report. It's been a week or so since I last posted and the whole time I just wanted to get on here and post even though I didn't have much to say.

Megan's wedding was gorgeous. There was only 20 guests and it was so low key, it was perfect for Megan. She had an outside ceremony (moments before it started snowing!) and although it was cold when the sun was out it was stunningly warm. She had her wedding party at the weekend and that was really lush too though I was coming down with a cold that morning, so I didn't drink much but that didn't stop me dancing all night!

It's Thursday today and its the first day that I've woken up and felt okay and not so sick. This might be a false sense of security and I don't want to jinx anything but I feel good right now. Usually, I'm sick for weeks but I think I've managed to shake most of it off in a week which is amazing for me! I did not something different this time. As well as taking cold and flu medicine on time and paracetamol on time, I've been drinking warm drinks constantly whether that be a camomile tea or a mint tea, no dairy products (like cheese, chocolate, cream, tea), A vitamin C fizzy at least once a day, and hre's the stickler...

Good food and good mentality. I've given into every craving I had, usually mum's cooking. I made my own Chicken and sweetcorn soup, and Silky steamed eggs, and yesterday I had mum's chicken fried rice. THE TASTIEST.

Good mentality. That was a hard one but it is something that I've been practising for the past few months or so. So instead of wallowing in self pity thinking 'i feel so rubbish, I'm not well, I don't feel good, etc' I've been thinking 'I cant wait to feel better, I'm going to feel so much better once I'm over this, Once I rest I'll feel strong again' but honestly just getting on with it because although I'm sick, life still goes on. Money still needs to be made, laundry still needs to be done, food still needs be cooked and eaten. This week, I did cancel a client because I knew she had health issues already, I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. But that's it.

I also had a 'sick day'. Sam is sick too at the minute, though you'd think he was much much worse than me by the way he's going but alas, we do indeed have the same illness and sorry but, I am stronger than him. I've said to him, he has to carry on. He can have one sick day and you can use that day to moan and really wallow in self pity but after that, you're done. Now you can opt to have a sick day but then not take it and save it for when you're worse, but if you take it you can't take another one, even if you're 10 times worse the next day.

I think also by having good mentality, you're willing yourself to feel better. I've been embarrassingly been thinking to myself 'come on white blood cells, you can do it' and I think it's working. I'm sure there's a study somewhere about 2 plants. Completely identical plants being looked after the same way at the same time. But one plant has encouraging words spoken to it and the other with discouraging words and guess which one flourished. The encouraged plant blossomed much better and I'll take that as a new motto.

Not long until our holidays! 6 Weeks until Cyprus! I'll have to find a dress soon now that I've got Megan's wedding out the way. I wore my sage green satin cowl neck dress to megan's and I was hoping to reuse it for Cyprus but I don't think the fabric will survive another go in the washing machine. I'm also not going to diet to get holiday ready which I'm quite nervous about. I mean, I wont engorge myself but I'll eat like I normally eat. Though I will stay away from pizza and kebabs which aren't foods I crave or want ever but Sam does and when Sam does, I'll order one and eat it out of lack of energy.

From the kebab/pizza/curry house I'll tend to get a plain boiled rice, with a chicken curry. Nothing too saucy, but something that's like grilled chicken with seasoning. That'll do me.

[thoughtsofnowandagain]

4 March 2023

It's always a bit frosty after an argument isn't it. Today, i had the urge to delete my last entry but I'm staying true to myself and accepting how I feel in the moment even if I do feel a bit silly today.

I've had a busy day today. I had a wedding job with ellie, I was paid more than I thought I would be so that's a nice bonus. I'm working with ellie again next weekend so that'll be a nice bit of money. I'm putting it straight into my non official savings pot so I don't spend it straight away. I then had a couple of clients in at home after I came back from this morning's job. One of which was Megan. I'm getting so excited about her wedding now, I can't believe the next time I see her it will be her wedding day. She's getting married in 4 days, it feels absolutely unreal. She's borrowing one of my bracelets and that'll be her something borrowed I think. It's a pandora one that sam got me our first valentines together so I hope I get it back!

I currently have Maggie and Scampi in bed laying next to me and it's the sweetest sight. That makes me happy.

I don't think I'm working until Megs wedding actually, so I think i have a somewhat quiet week ahead. I'm having lunch with my oarents and sister on Monday, my lashes done on tuesday, Megs wedding on wednesday, a bridal trial on thursday, Sams day off on friday, then I'm back with ellie on saturday with Meg's party on saturday night. Even though it's quiet, I'm looking forward to a relaxed week.

Not much to report other than I' m feeling silly about last night argument. Truth be told, I'm not even sure why we were arguing.

[thoughtsofnowandagain]

3 March 2023

It's a weird thing this change of season. Nights are getting lighter and the weather's getting warmer. It happens every year and still we're always so shocked about it.

I think I am definitely over due a change. When I was 18, I was such a lost little bunny. I wasn't ready for uni, I wasn't ready to start a career, and I wasn't ready for a lot of things but I made it work, I adapted. I toughened up my shell and put my guard up. There was a rocky couple of years with George where my guard was non existent, but as that relationship my guard went back up again. With sam, my guard cam down very quickly and I enveloped myself in this new life we made together. 4 years on, I'm wondering maybe why over time those walls have slowly come back up and perhaps it's time to put them back down again.

I've said it before, I sometimes play things up in my head and blow things out of proportion but I also think Sam is very good at gaslighting, whether or not he calls it that. Tonight, we got drinks with his boss and an older friend of ours. I told sam that I wanted to be home early as I had an early start in the morning. So I'd like to be home after happy hour ends at about 7:30. 8pm hits and our friend wants another one. I start telling them no, I want to go home as I need to pack and make dinner for us, to which he said 'you're right, you're the boss' and sam replied 'She very much is the boss but I'm the negotiator' jokingly. I know he wants to stay for another one and tries to persuade me into getting a takeaway which I know I wont like, I much prefer my own steak that I have waiting for me. But I've come to learn that sometimes, when it comes to a takeaway, it's just easier to say yes.

Sam buys me 2 meals, a chicken wrap which I'm not 100% sure I'll like and a kebab meat which sometimes I do like but it gives me a bad belly sometimes. I smile at him because I think it's sweet that he knows me so well that if I don't like one, I'll like the other.

We get home at about 9 and he helps me with packing up the car ready for tomorrow, as promised, very helpful. But the real problem is when the food comes and we start eating.

It's not tasty, I really really don't like it. I'm frustrated because I know I could've had a nice steak instead but sam wanted a takeaway so he gets it. I start thinking as I'm picking away at this weird chicken, 'does he just not like the food I make? is this actually tastier? how can he crave this but not my cooking?' and just like that I've given myself this complex and my stupid mouth starts looking for a fight.

He gets upset that he's paid for this food and I don't like it. But it's been 4 years, I've never ever liked a takeaway in 4 years. He says he's helping me out by getting a takeaway- it's quicker and I don't need to think about cooking. In my head I think he's gaslighting me here. He didn't do this because he wanted my life to be easier, he did this because he's had a few drinks and now he's fancying a kebab meat pizza, extra large, with stuffed crust. He might've had me in mind but I'm almost sure it's not the only reason, he's just mentioning it to be a hero.

Next thing I know, he's lost his temper with me, tears have been shed and I'm selfish for wanting him to change and I haven't changed.

Sometimes I think what do I actually need to change? I could be more supportive but when he's choosing to play games over his work how can I be in his favour? So to that I've had to say to myself- not my business. I've tried to keep my mouth shut and not look for a fight- tonight doesn't count. I don't know why I feel the need to say things. I think it's because I just know I'm right. That's not a narcissist thing, I genuinely am right all the time. Sam wanted to buy new work boots, I said no you just need to use a black shoe polish, he was adamant that it wouldn't work so I bought him shoe polish and lo and behold- the shoes look great and I've saved him upwards of £150 for new shoes.

Speaking of money, I could spend less that;s for sure. We didn't have any internet earlier in the week and so I didn't buy anything, My wedding season has just started so I've been assisting Kate, a fellow artist, a lot this week. Sam mentioned how he's spent money to this disgusting takeaway so I said fine, and sent him £20. He said I didn't spend a penny tonight, fine here's £100.

That's definitely something I could change. I should stop taking so much on board. Like he's said how I haven't spent any money on my drinks tonight- fine I wont let anyone buy me a drink again. He said I'm getting too used to him buying me food- no problem I will buy my own food from here on out.

Thing is, we went on a date last night and it was great. I got giddy at the thought of him and how this is what it's going to be like forever. But tonight? I don't want that. Who would want this? The constant resentment of me wanting him to lose weight (so he doesn't keel over and die how selfish of me) and me wanting him to be a calm and collected man that doesn't scream at me anymore. I just don't want to argue anymore. I don't want him to gaslight me anymore. Say it how it is. Stop telling me it's all in my head.

Is it all in my head? Maybe it is. Maybe I need to see a doctor about it. Maybe I'm actually going mad and I need to be medicated for it. I'll make an appointment.

But is it normal? Normal to blow things out of proportion in my own head and spiral? If it is, why would I need to get checked out. What's going through my head is how I'm feeling in that moment. Maybe it's my gut telling me something. Crazy or not, it's a horrible feeling. I don't think I can cope with this feeling for the rest of my life. What's actually wrong with me? I can't keep asking myself this, I can't keep doing this for the rest of my life however long or short it may be.

My new mantra still stands and I just need to really follow it. If I don't talk, I won't get in trouble.

[thoughtsofnowandagain]

27 feb 2023

I ended up going to spoons after all. It was a very stressful weekend. We came home at 11 and I don't think we actually fell asleep until 12:30am so I was really tired the next day but I was so excited about Meg's hen do I think I was running on fumes! Although I was tired, I didn't sleep good on the night of the hen do because of all the drink.

The hen do was really fun. I drank too many cocktails, and I thought I was done for 2 hours in. BUT miraculously I came back from the dead and without a tactical chunder too! Bonus!

We caught a mystery show which ended up being a drag show, so so fun! Then after the show we went upstairs to the bar area and danced the night away. I danced so hard, I'm pretty sure I gave myself whiplash.

I've been thinking a lot about my own engagement actually. More like my own wedding. I'd really love to walk down the aisle to my own song and I'd really like it to be the winnie the pooh theme. but of course the romantic piano version. Winnie the pooh always reminds me of the childhood, I loved that silly old bear. If I think about it too much, I think Sam looks like Winnie the Pooh. All stuffed with fluff. If hunny was pizza, it'd be uncanny. Winnie the Pooh's gonna have to take his hands out of the hunny pot and buy me a ring first.

It's mine and Edie's birthday soon. I'll be 25 and she'll be 7. Now that mum's got the entire downstairs done up, she loves hosting and she's hosting a little bbq garden party thing for me and edie. I think I'll take point and decorate the living room in Winnie the Pooh themed decor. Nothing tacky, but picture pastel balloons, light yellow cake pops with little humbly bumbly bees on them, and a yellow hunny cake. Pinterest suggests crudites as 'Rabbit's Garden', Pig(let)s in Blankets, and 'Tiggers Tail' Wotsits. The vibe is more 1977 Winnie the Pooh, not that 21st Century CGI bastard bear.

I always turned to childhood comforts when I need it. Turns out, I also turn into my childhood traumas when no one needs it too. Sam wants to get out of the sales industry, but to do that he needs to complete his apprenticeship in Digital Media Marketing. He is so close, he just needs to complete a few projects. He did a good chuck of it at work during his quiet downtime instead of his usual tiktoking which he should be praised and commended for. Instead, I quizzed him on whether or not he'll be doing the rest tonight. Exactly the same as when my mum would have done. If i said I had practiced one of the 3 exam pieces to perfection on my piano or violin for example, she'd ask me why I hadn't done the other 2 and she'd tell me off for not working harder. This made me more of a Piglet than a Pooh.

I haven't played any musical instruments since I was in school. Even then, it was begrudgingly. I'd love to get back into playing piano. I was never any good at it, and that's not me being modest, I was really really bad. But I'd like to play Hundred Acre Woods on the piano for mum. Maybe I'll give it a go tomorrow. She'd be happy I think. Who knows.

[thoughtsofnowandagain]

23 feb 2023

I'm on the verge of tears and it's so stupid. I feel misunderstood and unheard. It's 11:45pm on a thursday. It's friday tomorrow, sam's day off. I have a bridal trial tomorrow morning at 11. Before that, I have to make teas and coffees for me and sam- a friday tradition, I also have to take the ring doorbell off and reconnect it to the wifi- an absolute ballache of a job that I've put off since tuesday but I have to do this because I won't be able to hear the doorbell when I'm in the cabin.

After the trial, I'll also have to sort out lunch which will probably be Maccies because I'd like to go to the sunbeds- very bad I know, but is 8 minutes in a controlled environment better than hours on a beach with an unknown amount of harmful rays? After that, I need to go to my mums and pick up a bag that I'd like to wear- it's a tiny DKNY backpack. THEN, go to the shops and pick up bits for tomorrow's breakfast.

From there, I'd like to go to my friends house and pick up a curler that she borrowed. I need this for the next day but maybe I can do without it.

So yeah, I already have a busy day ahead running errands, and also looking after this man child of a boyfriend. OH and I have to be home for 4pm because I have a client in at 4:30pm in the cabin.

So it's a stressful day ahead. It's also Meg's hen do the day after and I'm picking her up at about 10:30, getting her back to mine for 11am, spend two hours to get her ready- no time to do myself so I'll have to get ready before I pick her up which takes me an hour and a half so I'l have to get ready at 8 be done by 9:30 and be in the car for 10. latest.

As if that wasn't enough to drive me to tears, Sam has said at 11:45pm, that we're going to spoons with 3 of his friends. One of which is a girlfriend and sam does the typical 'she's only going because you're going' ...excuse me? At what point did I say I'm going?? But now, I can't say no because of that insufferable desire to be liked. Old habits die hard, I guess.

So now I have to go to spoons for 'a bit of food and a couple drinks' at 6:30 tomorrow. Which means I have an hour max to get myself presentable. I'll have to wash my hair and airwrap it, that takes me about an hour itself. I also need to do my makeup which granted can only take me 5 minutes. And I need to figure out what to wear. I can save time by finding something to wear now, at 12:01am but I'm too overwhelmed by my schedule to do that right now.

Also the hair washing fucks me off. I'll have to wash my hair at 5pm instead of 10pm like I had planned. This wouldn't be an issue except those 5 hours really do make a difference. nI have oily hair so if I wash it too early, even 5 hours early, it's not going to make Saturday all day which is why I want to wash my hair as late as possible. I have lah extensions on too. Right now it's been 10 days since my last infill, these russian fans are coming out so quick. I'll wash my face tonight, lashes fall out. I have to wear makeup for this bridal trial tomorrow, so when I wash my face to go to bastard spoons, lashes will fall out. Then when I wash my face after spoons, LASHES WILL FALL OUT AND THEY WONT MAKE IT TO SATURDAY. And chances are I'll have to wash my hair again that night because they all fucking smoke so I either sit on a big ass table by myself on a Friday night in a busy pub in my hometown full of my old classmates, or stand outside in the freezing cold while my freshly washed hair marinates in that disgusting tobacco smoke mixed with some tutti fruiti vape bull shit. Fuck I miss drugs. Drugs are very very bad and a very slippery slope for me but at least they were odourless.

That's fine, sam says I don't have to go. Oh well actually he says 'Well don't go then!' after I huffed and puffed about how it's not fair that he's just signed me up for this. So lets explore that option.

If I don't go, I'll probably still have to take sam to spoons and pick him up which I can't be fucked to do cos if I do that I might as well fucking stay. If I don't play my signature role of taxi man, sam will stay out much much later. 'No I'll be home by 10' An absolute lie that he's told over and over again. There is no chance because 2 of those friends are boyfriend and girlfriend so they'll dip real early. That leave Sam and his 1 friend who is going through another dark patch because his girlfriend left him and he'll 'die alone' Cue a very unsupportive get-a-grip eyeroll. I'm a big advocate for mental health (especially considering my own very apparent fucked mental health) but I mean dude, this happens all the time, and he seems to find the younger weird unsociable girls. This one? Never heard a fucking peep out of her. Actually I didn't hear anything out of the other ones either tbf.

Anyways, his friends mum won't pick him up until 12am, and she'll be the one taking Sam home. Theres an option for sam to say 'ah I got to be home early' to his friend but he wont. He'll stay with his friend until 12am because he can't say no to anyone (except me, in fact that's all he says to me these days) I'll be at home, probably not eating dinner, clean hair and waiting for him to come home like a dog. I don't sleep well when he's not here.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Saturday is the Hen Do which I've obviously taken lead on, it's literally 12 hours of wearing the 'preppy excited I'm- not- tired' mask and my social battery is very easily drained and it's recharge time is more than insufficient.

So to conclude...

Don't Go:

-FOMO

-Won't sleep until sam strolls home at an ungodly hour when I have an even bigger day coming

-Will have clean hair

-Don't need to figure out an outfit

-Don't need to play pretend and make conversation. Conversation that I can't even hear by the way, it's so fucking loud in spoons.

Go:

-Lashes won't last

-Hair will be fucked

-Have to find an outfit

-Very high stress end to a very high stress day

-Very tight timing schedule

-Lose a few years worth of hearing because it's so loud

-Risk seeing people from school, so you have to look good

-Spend money that you for sure do not have

Honestly, fuck it. I don't want to fucking go. /but then I'll be letting people down. If I don't go this time, it might mean they won't invite me ever again because why invite her? she always says no anyway.

Ideally, it would be best if Sam doesn't sign me up to these in the first place. All he needs to do tomorrow is play his fucking games, poo pick, shower with his 14 in 1, and go to spoons. He wouldn't even need to do the laundry because I've either done it or he's got enough to last him a few days. Which means I'll get the 'please can you put the washing in while I'm at work?' which kind of translates to me 'I work full time, you do housework okay?'

...No, not okay. but you weren't really asking me anyway.

[thoughtsofnowandagain]

22 feb 2023 ...minus the trauma

Before I went on a trauma tangent about a 10 year old grudge, (unedited by the way! Really trying to keep it real and not the fluffier version) I thought it would be cool to look back at this and realise my problems get smaller with time and hopefully it'll help me see the bigger picture, that the hard stuff doesn't last as long as I think it would.

At the moment I really stressed about money. I'm at the end of my quiet period, so I know it's about to pick up soon but man it's been a difficult stretch. My cousins Alex and Jeremy are getting married, in two different countries, about 5 weeks apart. Alex is getting married to Katie in Paphos, Cyprus at the end of April, early May. Jeremy's getting married to Ayse in Bodrum, Turkey end of May, early June. Because they're abroad, we're going for a full week in both destinations so we have 2 holidays this spring, and 2 holidays to pay for too.

Alex and Katie's in Cyprus is an air bnb type of thing, so flights and accommodation has had to be paid straight away. My sister Sarah and mum have very nicely spotted me and sam because we didn't have a spare £700 each at that time and because theres 6 people going and it was in the best location, it needed to be done asap.

Jeremy and Ayse's in Turkey is a package holiday that we found on Jet 2. Which means it didn't have to be paid until next march, as in next week type of next march but we booked this in June so in our heads 'next march' is much further away than it actually is. So we're really scrambling for money to pay for that. it's also £700ish and I had £600 saved up before christmas but Sam bought a car and he needed £600 in cash so I had to give it to him last month. I'm low key kind of upset about that. Not that I had to lend money to him but more like now I'm having to find the money in a much less amount of time. He also said that he'd give it back before the deadline but it's a week away and he's given me £250 of it back so far and I don't think I'll be getting it back in time.

On top of this, we went to dinner with my family last monday for Sarah's birthday and sam overstayed the time limit on the car park so he had a parking ticket through the door yesterday. It's £45 and I just knew it would be easier to pay it myself with my own money rather than endure his 'I just won't go to these holidays, they're not even my own family getting married' tantrum. Which I know if I said that to him he'd say 'I wouldn't say that' but he would and has in the past.

I also had to pay £82 for fuel in my car yesterday which I know is unavoidable but that just makes it more painful to pay. I also have to pay for hello fresh now. Sam initially paid for it but he got too stressed about paying it so I switched it to my bank details so now I pay it.

I know the cat and the dog needs their raw food buying soon but I've paid for the last few lots and I can't ask sam to pay it. We also have a cleaner who comes every 2 weeks for £50 and although I can't live without her, we were supposed to half it but I pay for it every time.

Although I'm stressed about it, I know that if I speak to sam about it I know exactly what he'd say. He'd say how much he pays for the bills on the house, how the mortgage is like £500 every month, how he pays his Nana £200 every month for lending him the deposit on the house and how I don't send him 'rent'. I know he pays for a lot but the way I see it is, he earns more than me, he can actually afford that, it's a stretch yes but he can still afford it nonetheless.

I think I'll have to ask mum to pay for the holiday. She's already paying for Cyprus. I'm going to have to ask her to pay for Turkey. But she'll ask where that £600 has gone, because then she'll ask why Sam needed to borrow that money.

[thoughtsofnowandagain]

22 feb 2023

When I went though a crazy low dark place (I was 15, even today I still have no idea what that shit was about), my therapist (well, she was my counsellor but 'therapist' sounds so much nicer so we'll call her that from here on out, regardless of how american that sounds) ... I'll start again but stop with the parenthesiseseses.

When I was 15, I went though a weird phase and my therapist told me to start writing down my feelings which back then felt almost too big to even think about let alone put it to paper but now that I'm a little older, it's actually quite nice. It's only the second post but I look forward to it. It's almost like a game, one of those where you get rewarded with virtual coins every time you play, except instead of coins I get mental clarity.

I wonder what I would read if I had listened to my therapist then, because I couldn't tell you what I was upset about. Bar that time I fell out with Rach. In school, I was in a group of 5. It was Me, Rach, Penny, Pippa, and Cherry. I thought we were really close, having sleep overs at each other's house but in hind sight I was a horrible selfish person back then. My inner monologue felt too big and as a result, I have no idea who those girls are. I don't know their parent's names, where they lived, who their sibling were, not a clue. How bad is that?!

But one night, I had a horrific houseparty. Again, I was 15 and desperate for people to like me. I had a boyfriend called Joe from the rougher parts of town, which isn't a financial thing, more of a revenge porn, pressure you into sending him nudes and then leak them around the school type of rough... morally rough. And so Joe was a year older than me, and once he heard I had a house party, he invited all of his also morally rough friends from his year and complete trashed my mums house. An event that no one in my family has ever let me forget 10 years later. Rach made out with Joe. This wasn't a big deal to me, I didn't really care about him, I don't think I ever did. I just wanted to be liked. Plus, him getting with my best friend was very on brand for him being morally rough and all. I think she was somewhat ashamed of being with my ex, because she acted very strange around me and didn't talk to me anymore. I assume they had sex and if his treatment of me was any indication, he told his friends which got round the school and somehow everyone blamed me for telling people- which I didn't ... because I didn't know... because I wasn't there... and yet no one fucking believed me and I was dramatically outcasted from the group and I never heard from them again. I really really went to a very very dark scary place after that. And 10 years on, I don't forgive them. I resent them for making me feel that way.

Rach was friends with Megan and Hannah for a few years because they went to Uni together. Rach is engaged to a guy called Lewis, thank god she got away from that awful Joe. They live a hour or so away and she's so infatuated with him, I think like me, she's alienated herself. Sometimes, she'll get in touch with Megan and Hannah and ask to hang out more. I've told Megan and Hannah how uncomfortable I am about the thought of her being in my life again but also I don't want to be outcasted again. Luckily they are the most wonderful people and they completely understand. Though a part of me does want to confront her, just for some closure maybe. This encounter would've happened about a year ago now and Rach has not reunited with Megan and Hannah, not that I'm aware of anyway.

[thoughtsofnowandagain]

21 feb 2023

Hello

It's been a while since I last put my thoughts down in words. I'd say probably 10 years, you know. Thats a whole ass decade.

Back then, I think I was more of a manifester. Maybe more like a romanticizer. This time, I want to embrace how in feeling in the now rather than doing it at the end of the day and not really sticking to the transcript.

I'm almost 25. I'm currently watching New Girl on a Tuesday lunch time. I got out of bed and hour ago and made myself a giant salad for lunch/ breakfast. Yesterday I had a left over samosa from a takeaway the night before for breakfast and a Lamb Balti Curry that I ordered but didn't eat for lunch. I made my own rice and for the first time, I ate it like an indian with my hands and it's 100% tastier. It's really true that the flavors really marry together when you eat with your hand.

I am self employed, which is why I have the freedom of watching New Girl on a Tuesday. I am a bridal make up artist and a beauty therapist. I have my own cabin studio in my back garden where I work from and I go to venue to venue for my make up artistry.

I live with my boyfriend Sam, who is a Car Salesman (though I'm sure he'd call himself something more elaborate, because he does more than just sales, he does all the admon, test drives, everything! He works so hard!) We've been together 4 years and it's been the best! The lockdown years were hard but we got through it and since the new year, he's adopted a 'Calm and Collected' persona and I've felt a difference in our relationship. He's always been loving and kind but he over reacts a lot. That sounds bad. I mean like if he stubs his toe, he'll scream about it and he'll ruin the rest of the day for himself. Or if he's cooking (very rare) in the kitchen, he'll get overwhelmed and storm away, which then I have to take over and it leaves a sour taste in our mouths for the rest of the evening. He's also quit vaping since the new year and he's done really well! He's a little overweight (I love his body and his fat belly, it's the most attractive thing to me) but I've always told him to eat better, for the sake of his heart. He's been going to the gym consecutively for the past 2 nearly 3 weeks! He's done so well!

If you can't tell, I'm very much in love with that boy.

I have a small circle of friends. Megan and Hannah. I've been friends with Megan since primary school, and we met Hannah in secondary school. Grew apart after school and only recently we've gotten much closer. I think we've been going to dinners together almost every month for the past year and I have to say it's been one of my favourite nights of the month!

Megan's about to elope and get married to Joe. I've never formally met him, just the odd hello whenever he drops Meg off and picks her up again. He asked me a couple weeks ago to host a Hen Do for Meg and offered to pay for Meg's side. Probably due to the lack of time he's given us. We're going into the City and going to this crazy golf place which I've been dying to go since it opened. It's got lots of sex paraphernalia and no Hen Do is complete without its fair share of Dicks.

In college, I was friends with Amera and I had a boyfriend called George. Me and Amera became friends with a lot of George's friends but as time we on, I think I realised how tired I was. I was absolutely exhausted from pretending to be who I wasn't which sounds so cliche. It turns out I'm not that party hard type of girl, at least not for very long. I'm a be home by 11pm and sleep in the nude with my boyfriend type of a girl. And I love that life. And that's okay.

I don't talk to that group of people anymore. I wish them all the best. I've had to block Amera and her friends because I felt so sad every time I see them on socials because that's not who I am anymore. They're thriving and though I'm happy with my life, my social battery isn't what it is anymore. And that's okay.