thoughtssssssssssss

[thoughtssssssssssss]

[thoughtssssssssssss]

Wow some people are actually fake af. Good to know.

[thoughtssssssssssss]

Why is it so hard to respond people? Like I know you are active why aren’t you responding? Am I trying to weird ? That u feel weird? I don’t get it. Like these days no one responding to me. I don’t get it. Like some of them are even just for business? The only time they respond when they know they are gonna get money out of it. I’m so mad. This start of may has been so fcking weird. And it’s my month? I’m a snakee zodiac and Taurus moon !!! Cmooonnn!! Pls be rest of the month be nice! I really need these things. And I am really getting out of my comfort zone which is amazing. But people the world makes me mad right now. It’s really not hard to respond and if you don’t want to just say no???? Like tf?? Like if i didn’t see u being active then I will be like well yeah they are an active on social media. So it’s understandable but no. Fck u. I do feel bad vibes sometimes from certain people that I’m trying to connect but bc they didn’t exactly do anything bad to me. I just brush it off which might be bad bc I’ve been correct constantly. But for this one idk why it’s a interesting bad feeling like I can’t really put my finger on it. And I brush it off bc well people like that person very much but at the same time when I think about it they are not actually very close with anyone I feel like? Like they make themselves go into things I feel like? Idk. It’s a weird feeling? Maybe it’s competitiveness? I usually get this vibe from certain competitive people. Maybe it’s that? One side of me says don’t trust them and the other one says nah u are being weird calm down. I just don’t trust people who cannot communicate. I know there might be reasons like I personally have social anxiety and had it very badly for a time. But if someone asks me to do smth and then I reply and then if we start to talk about arranging then. I’m not going to leave them on read! Bc I already said yes! And this person have their own schedule? Like tf? That’s just being rude at this point. If you have time to go out to do shopping then u prob have time to text to say yes I like this idea let’s go there or say no I can’t go there what about this place blah blah. Ugh 😑 maybe I’m overacting which is possible since it’s been a shitty start this summer. I AM LOSING ACTUALLY LOSING IT just fucking reply to me people. If you are not hiring day no. Or if I didn’t make the call say no? Or actually watch ???? Are u that lazy? If u want this job to be your future then I’m sorry to tell you but you need to start doing your job. And what a so annoying is that I have experience I know it. But fck them of course. I just hope there is no mistakes in my email. Maybe it’s the title that I’m doing that puts people away? Is it too serious? Like what am I supposed to write other than Job application? Submission for the role blah blah? Should I write hey if u don’t consider me bad luck or smth? Or LOOK AT THIS EMAIL MFFF!!! What about this one? I mean it would make an impression for sure. I’m so tired genuinely. I’ve been trying to connect with people, trying to get a job and an acting job but it feels like no one is seeing me. I feel like a ghost all over again. I’m so sick of it. Just tell me what I am doing wrong. Am I annoying? What did I do to make you not like me? Is it just chance?

I don’t know what to do. I need experience. I need a part time job, a barista job. I need to make money. I need experience in on camera acting. I need to build my portfolio my demo reel. And I know I will work hard. So hard. Bc I would be so grateful for any kind of experience. Please for the love of god for the love of universe please please please. Let this summer be productive.

[thoughtssssssssssss]

Why am I forcing myself to do smth I don’t want to just bc people are preferring that rode doesn’t mean I have to take it. I prefer visual arts not writing. Sure I will do the homework and I will try to improve myself bc why not. But I’m. It planning to write a script. I wanna film it. I want to direct it. I want to cast it.

Let’s see what happens I’m just gonna audition for stuff and see if anything sticks out. Maybe I will at least get a callback for that student film? And hopefully will have acting jobs to do in summer

[thoughtssssssssssss]

I do still struggle though. As for right now, I think I need to meditate and feel myself in the present time. I still feel like I do things wrong and get scared that maybe I hurt that person. I think it’s extremely selfish to feel that way which is ironic when u hear it but when you really think about it, u realize that u are thinking that the world revolves around you and that everything you do affects people and and and u get scared that people will not like you which is selfish bc u are not afraid that people are gonna get hurt but get scared more about if they are gonna forgive you or not. When u apologize u don’t expect for them to forgive u and move on, u are not apologizing properly if that’s the intention. U apologize so that person can feel better and have a closing moment. I’m acting like this is my experience don’t get me wrong I didn’t do anything wrong lmao. But yeah, and u need to be able to let that person go.

And that’s why I’m selfish. Bc I’m scared that people won’t like me.

[thoughtssssssssssss]

Reading some of my old posts makes me realize how much I changed for the better. I’m happy

[thoughtssssssssssss]

Rose Espinosa, Little Silver, 2018, oil on board

[thoughtssssssssssss]

Carlos Schwabe (Swiss,1866-1926) 

“Destruction”. Illustration for Baudelaire’s “Les Fleurs du Mal”, 1900

[thoughtssssssssssss]

I don’t want to be in a dream state where my brain goes to this automatic mode. I’m scared that I will grow old and realize I was alive. And in my last moments realize it’s too late. I didn’t feel alive.

I want to live in the present and feel fully.

Also, I’m just realizing that how acting made me feel alive. Thought me to feel fully. I hope I continue.

[thoughtssssssssssss]

I can’t believe I woke at 12 pm. Living in the basement makes it impossible to wake up. And I hate , hate, hate waking up late!

Aaaah I feel like all the time is gone now. Fuck. What the fuck I’m supposed to dooooo.

[thoughtssssssssssss]

Did I do smth wrong??? Why no one is answering 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[thoughtssssssssssss]

Fuck I’m sad. So much for the happy hormones…

Literally tore up my mood

[thoughtssssssssssss]

Thank you @thoughtssssssssssss and everyone who got me to 5 reblogs!

Huh??? What is this

Maybe I’m unloveable. Maybe I crave love so much that I scare people away. Maybe they are scared that I will soak up every little love they have and there will be nothing left for them. Maybe they feel that. Maybe they don’t want to be with a person who needs love. A needy person. 

I don’t know what I’m doing. I think I am destroying every relationship I had left. Can’t even make new relationships, friendships. I just want someone to talk with. Share my thoughts, and be open with them. Be close to them. I had one friend before who was like that and I fucked that friendship. Now my current friends are slipping away from me and I don’t know how to stop it. Maybe they think I’m an asshole because I’m asking them to talk with me constantly. maybe they think that I’m thoughtless because I can’t imagine they are busy. But if that is the reason then I have a lot to say. Because I call that bullshit. 

I always say that even 30 min or 15 min. Just today… We’ve been not talking for over a month now. And you are saying that I’m asking too much? Every time I ask “How are you”, you don’t even ask back! To not be able to do that you have to be busy 24/7. You shouldn’t even have time to eat. But you are responding other people, talk with your other friends then that means I’m not your first, even your second option. So don’t come and lie to me that I’m you “best friend”… Because It sounds bullshit. 

[thoughtssssssssssss]

I just thought about my new year, new semester. And my stomach crawled back to my spine. Awful, scary feeling.

The people I’m gonna be in class with are sooo talented. Talented, amazing, pretty people. That kinda scares me. I admire them but also get scared of them. Weird combo. I need to make it somehow though. Might be hard but I’m gonna make it.

I’m hoping I will learn things from them. My past classmate, I learned a lot too. And now, with new people hopefully I will learn a lot more now.

[thoughtssssssssssss]

I wish I can write poetry. Be that kind of artsy person. I find it really hard to write. Tbh not just poetry but overall writing, storytelling. Maybe I should get inspired from the things I do we’ll first. Like drawing or dancing or acting. Acting might be hard since you do need a writing. I guess you also improvise but u might need someone?

If I’m gonna write I would like to do it alone.

[thoughtssssssssssss]

I’m trying to find my old posts where I wrote some stories. I thought they might give some inspiration.

Well, another time.

[thoughtssssssssssss]

Communication is the best advice I can give for this, I think I’m closer with them now. 💕💕

Maybe I’m unloveable. Maybe I crave love so much that I scare people away. Maybe they are scared that I will soak up every little love they have and there will be nothing left for them. Maybe they feel that. Maybe they don’t want to be with a person who needs love. A needy person. 

I don’t know what I’m doing. I think I am destroying every relationship I had left. Can’t even make new relationships, friendships. I just want someone to talk with. Share my thoughts, and be open with them. Be close to them. I had one friend before who was like that and I fucked that friendship. Now my current friends are slipping away from me and I don’t know how to stop it. Maybe they think I’m an asshole because I’m asking them to talk with me constantly. maybe they think that I’m thoughtless because I can’t imagine they are busy. But if that is the reason then I have a lot to say. Because I call that bullshit. 

I always say that even 30 min or 15 min. Just today… We’ve been not talking for over a month now. And you are saying that I’m asking too much? Every time I ask “How are you”, you don’t even ask back! To not be able to do that you have to be busy 24/7. You shouldn’t even have time to eat. But you are responding other people, talk with your other friends then that means I’m not your first, even your second option. So don’t come and lie to me that I’m you “best friend”… Because It sounds bullshit.