thoughtstojots

[thoughtstojots]

A Culmination of Thoughts during Covid-19 Pandemic

Gratitude

- isolation

- time to relax, giving my mind an extended mental break and not feel behind, being able to sleep in, staying in my pajamas all day

- time to read

- time to bullet journal

- time to listen to music 

- time to watch an embarrassing amount of Youtube videos, Netflix, and Kdramas 

- having enough food to eat more than three meals and snack excessively

- time to bond with my roommates, catch up with old friends, and hang out with my family

- J. Crew paying me for two weeks even if it’s not much

- stocks going up 

- bread with nutella and bananas 

- time to clean, organize, and declutter my physical and mental space 

- being able to help my mom do chores around the house

- my mom’s home-cooking

- my mom’s sense of preparedness that I used to see as excessive and unnecessary

- a brother who helps me re-organize my room aka move all the furniture 

- long conversations with my siblings 

- the extra support and flexibility from my professors and school

- not having any classes on Zoom and no more morning lectures 

- still graduating

- a university that is willing to refund meal plans, parking passes, and housing 

- the safety of home 

- the privilege I have to be able to do school work in a stable and comfortable environment 

- the privilege I have to decide if I want my classes for letter grade or pass/fail 

- internet and wifi 

- spontaneous fashion shows in my room 

- the people who care; the people who are following social distancing and washing their hands and so much more 

- the people who are working and protecting us from doctors, nurses, restaurant workers, grocery store workers, cleaners, etc., thank you 

- Andy Beshear 

- selflessness of strangers 

- being able to stay in my room long enough to light a candle and let it burn evenly 

- time to make my bed 

- time to talk to myself, my stuffed animals, the wall 

- the people who ask how I am and who reach out to chat with me 

- the memes and videos that make me smile or laugh 

- the choice to decide how I want to spend my extra time 

- the forced slow down of the world: the small restorations of environments across the world, the wildlife that can enjoy more of the world, the reflections, considerations and appreciations people are having 

Annoyances/Complaints/Frustrations/Missed Moments

- the people who spring breaked during announced social distancing times and telling me I need to be social distancing. excuse me, I have been. you don’t need to social distance, you need a two-week quarantine tyvm and then social distance

- the people who keep complaining for things to go back to normal or keep complaining about how much they miss life before COVID-19. we all do, no one wants a pandemic. also, you weren’t doing so hot in your normal life anyways so maybe this is the world being gracious to you and giving you time to get some of your life together because you should know better than anyone you need that time 

- a president who cannot compose himself with any sense of respect and dignity 

- the fractured and privatized healthcare system of America 

- the marginalized, victimized, discriminated, and vulnerable feeling the way they do and not being able to receive the help they need

- the conflicting feeling that I can be more of help but the most I can/should do is stay at home

-  the amount of school work that still has to be done when I have no motivation 

- the feeling of being stuck at home 

- missing my friends and hanging out 

- missing a routine 

- wish I was able to finish/enjoy undergrad like the normal college senior 

- all the trips I had planned for the semester and summer

- regret of not reaching out to more people over the school year when I was actually in school 

- missing shopping 

- miss studying at Willy T

- miss Taste of India and Pho BC 

- regret of not wearing more of all the clothes I have in public 

- my mom telling me to eat when literally that’s all I am doing and then we get into arguments over food and me “not eating”  

- all the junk I have that I don’t need, hoard, and impulse buy 

- not knowing what to really title to post 

[thoughtstojots]

What I Will Care About In 2020

In the last episode of Patriot Act for 2019, Hasan Minhaj’s brought up a very real concern that many of us have today. That is the overwhelming amount of news we receive daily. News has become so more accessible and is almost thrown in our faces everyday. With the internet and mobility to have the internet almost everywhere we are, we easily hear about issues from our hometowns to the city across the world from us. And it’s a lot. As he said, it’s like we consistently have all these tabs open in out minds and more just keep opening as we learn more. But like a computer, with so many tabs open in our brain, we slow down. It’s impossible to be concerned about everything and this overwhelming feeling keeps up from putting the energy we wanted to use to volunteer, advocate, donate, etc. in anything at all. Hasan, then, proposed a challenge - close some tabs and focus on the ones you keep open. Put your energy into those concerns to really help make a difference. Let others worry about the ones you don’t want to worry about. 

That’s not to say I will never worry about what they are worried about nor would I perceive those problems to not be my problems too. I do not intend to neglect them but that is not where I will primarily put my energy towards. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I know it’s already February but I have decided what I am going to let others worry about and what I want to put more of my energy into. 

So, I will let others worry about 

- rebuking someone who uses a plastic straw and/or does not recycle 

- educating others on racial discrimination and injustice towards people of color and minority groups 

- gun control 

- the legalization of marijuana for medical and social purposes 

But I want to 

- be more involved in the political scene by helping my political party with voter registration, calling legislators to show that I care, campaigning door-to-door, and any other miscellaneous tasks I can help with 

- learn more about clothing waste and educate others on the consequences of the fast fashion industry. My personal goal is to buy no more than 12 clothing items in 2020

- speak up and confront signs of what could lead to sexual assault, have no tolerance for those actions, and be a shoulder for others to lean on when they need one 

- support Hong Kong in whatever ways I can in protecting their freedoms and keeping their autonomy 

- fight food insecurity in the communities around me 

[thoughtstojots]

Brain Dump

1. The whole Hong Kong - China political/social battle has been on my mind since the beginning. Having gone to HK over the summer really made me feel more sad for the people of HK. I have so much respect for the people, especially the ones in my age range, as they are probably fighting for the last bit of true freedom the citizens will ever have. 

2.  This semester has been my most emotionally exhausting semester ever. 

a. Experiencing breakup is definitely not a recommended adventure. But it has taught me so much about myself as a person. 

b. The sadness of Clay’s death has not completely sunk. Even though I shedded tears at his funeral, I feel like this is all not real still. It did not give me closure at all.... So, I feel sadness for the fact but also guilt because I don’t quite believe the fact of it. 

3. Friendships are very hard to keep. For me as it is, it’s not easy for me to call someone my friend. Though I do admit that I am not the best at friendships, I have come to really appreciate and hold closer the people who put in more effort. That I respect a lot and have tried to be better at reciprocating. Though on that note, I think it’s time to start letting go of the ones that can’t do the same. 

4. I am excited to graduate but scared of what is after graduation. This coming semester I really need to lock things down. 

5. Defeat is a normal feeling. Rejection can’t be rare if I want to get anywhere. Right? This semester, I think I have had quite a lot of both for major things. Even so, I must say I’m glad they have not punched me enough to stay down. 

6. I still love shopping but I am very happy to see myself be a smarter and less frequent shopper. It also helps that J. Crew rewards/gives me free clothes. That satisfies a lot of my impulses to buy something but without actually spending money. 

7. Lesson of 2019: Contests/competitions are a great and not so difficult way to “earn” money. Winning or placing in a couple this year has really proved its benefit. The experience and knowledge gained from them was also beneficial. 

8. I am happy and jealous of how some of my friends already have jobs lined up for them after graduation that pay over 60K for their starting salaries. 

9. Home is a state of mind now. One day it will be a physical place, but right now, it is a mental state. 

10. I eat less these days just because I get so busy and don’t have time. So, I end up having leftover food and I feel guilty wasting it. Food insecurity and availability (globally) is something I am a lot more conscious about. 

11. 2020 Goal (one of many): Use up all my freaking skincare samples. I have so many I need to go through. 

12. Networking has been a struggle. It is like the most difficult and unsuitable thing for me. Good thing I am very good at faking it. Similar note, my job as a sales associate at J. Crew requires quite a bit of outfit creating for wonderful customers. Which I have a lot of fun doing but putting on my happy, excited mask is very tiring. 

13. On the note of faking it though, I need to do less of that towards my peers. At the end, we all can’t like everyone and my time is not yours to take without permission. 

14. After my internship, I decided that a 9A-5P Mon-Fri job is not it. Maybe three long days of working and longer weekends. The best would be to be able to partially work from home. Man such a huge chunk of your day is just gone and everything can’t get done over the weekend. 

15. I have spent a great deal of my life complaining. These days, it’s been a lot less though. Things/people/whatever just aren’t worth it anymore. Not worth complaining about, not worth thinking about. Just follow the values you hold dear and take action to the causes you are passionate about. Of course that doesn’t mean ignore differing thoughts or others’ hardships. (This does not mean I don’t complain at all and I have been quite guilty of strongly judging other people’s “problems” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

I’m overall excited for what this coming decade has to offer but very nervous I won’t achieve the success I desire. Towards the end of the last, I shifted a lot and finally started to settle and find peace with my personal life. Hopefully, I am on my way to somewhere I don’t mind being. For now, it just feels like I’m walking in the dark with a light source and dims and brightens randomly along the path I walk. 

[thoughtstojots]

A List: my character flaws

1. I complain SO much. I can complain about anything, possibly everything. It’s annoying because I just need to start doing something instead of complaining all the time.

2. I am a negative person. Pessimistic, overly sarcastic, too many complaints. 

3. I overthink on the smallest things.

4. I buy way too many clothes that I don’t wear. 

5. I suck at keeping up with friends even when they are in a decent radius from me. 

6. I have a tendency to neglect the people closest to me. 

7. I can really lack respect and a sense of authority to certain people. 

8. I can be callous and not show sympathy when I should be. 

9. I can’t make decisions when it comes to group things especially deciding where to eat. 

10. I have no self control when it comes to food, especially sweet things. If I want it in the moment, I will eat it. 

11. I waste so much time just staring, gazing, daydreaming. 

12. I am judgemental. One eye roll and you’ll know it. 

13. I really love gossiping. Just hearing about it all. In this case, it’s the more you know, the worse off you are. 

14. I doubt people’s capabilities and personas too much. So little faith in others.

15. I can be very temperamental and just act on my emotions especially if they’re annoyance and anger. 

16. I don’t brush my teeth every night. 

17. I doubt myself a lot. Too much, so I think. 

18. I lack ambition and drive. Procrastination consumes me because I don’t have the zeal to pursue goals. 

19. I take super long to unpack. 

20. I am stubborn. Do it my way or get out of my way. 

21. I need to take a thousand photos over and over again before I find one I like. 

22. I obsess over people when I have found someone I really like (in an admirable, touched way). 

23. I take up the whole bed when sleeping. 

24. I ask too many questions during movies. 

25. I don’t like watching movies. 

26. I selectively learn when it comes to life lessons. 

27. I will hold your wrongdoings to heart ... for too long. 

28. I want too much control. 

29. I don’t like eating ice cream. 

30. I try too hard to keep my bank account ending in 0 or 5. 

31. I will put a tv show above all obligations and people if I am super into it, until I finish. 

32. I start too many things and don’t finish them. 

This list is to be continued. 

[thoughtstojots]

I Love You Should Mean I Love You

I was recently talking to a friend about someone else’s relationship. The girl and the guy dated and broke up within a few months. The girl still loves the guy but the guy feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. I am not going to go into the reasoning and opinions of if they should or shouldn’t have broken up. Later, the guy and the girl talked again. The guy further crushed the girl’s heart by saying that he stopped loving her and he has no feelings for her now (a couple weeks after they split.) So, did he really love her to begin with? Sure? Maybe? I do not know. Is possible to fall in love in a few months and then stop loving. Or is it something else? Infatuation? Excitement? Again, I don’t know. But after the words are said, I love you should mean I love you. 

Colloquial conversation has become so common. Slang and jargons have stemmed far from the literalness of the words used. “I’m dead. I’m shook.” The list goes on. These things have double meanings and cannot be taken literally in most young adult conversations. Phrases like “You’re the best,” and “I hate you” are used so frequently and, again, do not mean what they are taught. I don’t know if that’s okay. I don’t know if I like it. What’s wrong with “thank you,” “”you’re great,” and “you’re annoying?” Well, even so people don’t seem to take them so literally either. It’s a joke or sarcasm? Is it the blunt truth you don’t seem to believe? It makes it hard for the generations above us to figure out what we mean. Not to mention how difficult it is for anyone trying to learn our language. (But that goes vice versa for any other one.) Even if it is the norm, I want I love you to still mean I love you. 

When it comes to romantic relationships, there should be no rush to say those words. I see dating as a means of getting to know someone better. You have no obligation to love the individual so there should be no pressure to say that you do so soon. You may eventually come to do so and that is when you can say it. Just as that is said, you can come to love someone without dating them. (Don’t argue with me on this. I’ve watched enough anime, Asian dramas, and short films to believe it.) The feeling of love is not defined but there are collective attributes like affection, intimacy, fondness, etc. that surround it. You may not know it the first time around and that’s okay. That’s no justification to be careless with it though. 

[thoughtstojots]

I Can Wait Until 21

As I was walking with two friends, one mentioned that he wanted to get a tattoo. The other friend stated how out of character that would be for him to do so because he was a strict Christian who does not even want to drink alcohol until he’s legal. But he then replied, “Well drinking isn’t against the law!” 

Umair is someone is who has not had a single sip of alcohol in his life. He used to not drink for religious reasons and not he chooses not drink purely based on legal reasons. He doesn’t want to break the law. 

These two things have weighed heavily on my mind and on my opinions in regard to the government and the law. 

I must say, no surprise to many, that I had much more respect for our government when Obama was president. Sure, I was not as informed back then as I am now. There is a possibility that I was just soaking in all the sunlight around him and ignoring the darkness outside of where the sun shined. But, a more informed me is aware of those dark spots and still loves Obama. Do I agree with all his past courses of action? No. But let’s be honest, I will never agree with a president 100%. Not only did I have high esteem for the government, but I also greatly respected the law. When I had the chance to drink, I did not. When I had the chance to smoke weed, I did not. When I had the chance to jaywalk, I did not. It was illegal. Simple logic. Going into college, things got more grey. I justified alcohol because it was unfair that kids around the world could drink when they were 16 and I had to wait until I was 21. Peer pressure was also a big influence but it was not my tipping point. My respect for the legal system was. There were laws that I started to disagree with and even ridiculed. Thus, I did not think they were adequate or worth following. (Granted, most of the time I didn’t even have an opportunity to break or anything. I just thought they were dumb.) Trump gets elected. Society seems more chaotic. My respect goes further down and I care even less. Then, I hear the rationale of “it’s against the law.” The old saying resonated with me in high school but doesn’t seem to apply anymore. 

Neither of the two people I mentioned above are Trump supporters or devote patriots. They’re not strict goodie-two-shoes but they are good people. They don’t condescend you for drinking or smoking, they just don’t do it themselves. I really have come to respect them for it. I want to adopt the same outlook again. Does this mean I have more respect for the government? No. (Honestly, I have an all time low of regard for the government after Kavanaugh got instated to the Supreme Court.) So, why am I changing my mentality. I am not so sure. Maybe it is because I am starting to consciously see the importance of laws and I believe that I should not pick and choose which to follow. Maybe it’s because there is not one that I am aware of yet that has so heavily contradicted with my morals. I can live happily without drinking. What if everyone had the same thoughts I did when I was younger about neglecting certain laws because they didn’t agree with them? Chaos, without a doubt. 

Do I think 21 is a little long to wait just to drink alcohol? Yes. Do I think not being legally able to drink until so late makes a more promiscuous scene around alcohol and leads to more carelessness? Yes. But that is the law and it will not kill me to wait. Even if I do not agree with what is established and do not like the rowdy and uncharming association of Americans and alcohol, I just don’t care enough to fight for something different. It’s probably more likely someone will die not being able to have medically suggested marijuana before alcohol. (So, to the parents who are so against weed but are the first to hand their underage sons and friends beers at tailgates, don’t tell me how American you are when you only follow the laws you want to follow.) Here is a commitment to not drink again until I am legal in respect for the law and in hopes of a better government. 

Side note pet peeve: I also get annoyed when people follow their religion so strictly but not the law or better yet don’t follow either but claim to be so rooted in both. I’m sorry your religion transcends but if you break the law how are you surprised that you’re getting punished? If God or Allah told you shouldn’t get drink of get drunk out of your mind what’s wrong with just not drinking at all? Show resistance. Because let’s be honest, you’re not choosing to drink Natty Lights and Coronas for sophisticated fun and the chances that you can afford quality stuff before 21 is also low. (If you genuinely enjoy those flavors, good for you. Many cannot relate.) There is no grey area between following the law or not in this case. (And this is not to disregard the inequalities that exist and heavy influence personal decisions towards the legal system for the sake of a plethora of reasons.)

I also find it funny when these same people believe that the church and state should be united. Like what? You don’t follow either separately why put them together? It’s like saying “I don’t live by my mom and dad’s rules” to saying “I don’t live by my parent’s rules.” That’s another rant in itself though. 

I’m not going to bash on you for getting wasted but I will judge you if you are a significantly large hypocrite.  

[thoughtstojots]

The World Can’t Wait for You to Grow Up

The voices you have now, amplified by the hundreds, spreading your thoughts, ideas, and opinions. You don’t know what it will do, who it will effect, and how it will make an impact. The world can’t wait for that. Because it knows that your words and actions will make a difference. You, yourself, hold potential. Potential is a word that carries a spectrum of meanings. For some, it carries a weight and expectation. For others, it almost results to nothing. Where is your potential on that spectrum? Because the world can’t wait for it. It anticipates for it.

The world can’t wait for your fickle mind to make a half hearted decision only to return to the same indecisive feeling moments later. You can certainly want to do everything and care for everyone. Though, it won’t be easy. Maybe not even worth it. Explore, explore, explore. Broaden your horizons and take in every moment. You won’t remember it all but, hopefully, you’ll remember something worth your time and thought. 

Let’s look at your impatience. How many times have you felt frustrated, annoyed, or angry from your impatience? You can’t seem to wait for the things or even individuals who hold greater potential (for you or the world). What makes you think the world can patiently sit and let you consume yourself in a mind of negative emotions. It benefits no one. 

Don’t forget your pride. Ego. Arrogance. Cockiness. Actually, forget it. Better yet, fix it. Where did it come from? You have nothing to be obnoxiously proud of. 

This crippling world cannot wait for the change you bring. It also can’t wait for you to change. Keep up. It spins with or without you. This world, it needs change. Let it need you. 

[thoughtstojots]

Weekly Wrap-Up: 5/29-6/3

The weeks really go by fast and my memory really sucks. 

After Memorial weekend, it was back to the lab and working. This was my last full week of summer before I start physics :// Tuesday, I worked my first 12 hour shift and it sucked (and I was partly late because I mixed up the days of when I thought I had to work. Ugh, it was my first time being late.) I was so tired Wednesday, I didn’t go to lab and just slept. 

On the note of sleep, sometimes I work odd hour shifts, so to try to not sleep during them, I would nap beforehand. But I’ve been noticing that these naps aren’t restful. I don’t know if it’s the anxiety of knowing I have to get up to work or what but I just can’t seem to completely sleep. I feel like I’m half awake and conscious, anticipating my alarm to ring. 

This week was a very lazy week for me compared to the previous ones. I didn’t read, nor did I go to the gym as frequently. Whether it was the rain, the laziness from the long weekend, or the feeling of needing a new routine, I just couldn’t bring myself to continue the way I did before. The week could have been interpreted as a break I guess, but I feel like it was more of a rut. 

Highlight: I bought my first Anthropologie item, a creme turtleneck sweater with slight bell flared sleeves. It was originally roughly $80 but I got it for $10! The material is so soft and I’m really excited to wear it this fall. 

Thursday evening, I went back home for the weekend. My mother came to pick me up for the first time in a while and she got lost :,) This situation has reaffirmed my assumption of where I get my lack of directional sense. I went back specifically for Florence’s graduation. Wow, I must say, I had my doubts but she did it. She graduated. From the little times I have come home, I’ve seen her character improve and grow for the better. She still never fails to frustrate/annoy the heck out of me at least once when I return, but there is improvement. We argue less, she has more respect for me, and she is a lot more considerate of other people’s (my family’s) time. I’m still worried for her though. There’s no doubt that she’s more than capable of surviving the world but still, you never know where life will throw you. I only hope she feels like she’s become stronger from her trials and not let them be a reason for her to be discouraged or stray from getting what she wants. 

Saturday, I finally hung out with some friends (Weijing, Avani, and Ashley)! It felt good to catch up and pick up from wherever everyone left off at. From the numerous fails I’ve had trying to plan meet ups with my friends, you would think I am used to everyone being busy and doing their own thing. I guess it was the excitement of finally meeting and the slight expectation in the back of my mind that I’ll see them again soon that really made the sting, well, sting. This goes for all my pals which makes it even more disheartening. 

What I am most thankful for this week was spending time with my mother. I chowed down on all her food that I dearly missed and just took the time out of my day to hang out with her. She always complains about her wrinkles and aging skin but I never really saw them until now. My mom is getting old. Typing that sentence made my heart sink a little. It’s like time is running out. Her rate of aging pales in comparison to the rate of my accomplishments. So much of me wants to give her the world but at this rate I’m really going nowhere. I feel like a failure. 

[thoughtstojots]

Weekly Wrap-Up: 5/13-5/28

A little longer than your typical week, but it makes for a better finish

Sunday and Monday: Ashley K. and Tina V. came to town! Sunday night we went to Planet Thai with Umair and El Mango for ice cream. Of course what all girls do, we also stayed up late just catching up, gossiping, and getting deeper as the night went on. It was really nice seeing them but I felt like I got a bittersweet reminder about how high school is not a destination to return to. Sometimes, I feel like I’m in a shifting dream and I’ll always just return to my high school years, my home, and debatably, the peak of my life. At the same time, seeing how they have grown and changed, I see how I have changed as well. I don’t think for better or worse but I guess you can’t neglect the differences that start to pull the strings of friendship and how these tugs could potentially break them. 

Ashley had orientation Monday so I guess it’s official. She’s coming to UK! I’m excited. Sadly, on the same day I had an 8 hour long sheep surgery I had to watch for my research. Sigh. It was so long. I met some cool people though :) And, not necessarily an up side, but the next two for the week got cancelled! We all went to the Weekly Juicery. My order and recommendation: Blue Majik smoothie! Fruity, but not overwhelming of one flavor and good smoothie texture. 

For the rest of the week days, I did what I usually do. I worked and worked out. Textiles lab is getting easier now that I’m actually doing stuff. Oh, I guess this week I was really big into Chinese dramas. I watched like three (well given I skipped a lot of parts/episodes to speed up the plot). They were Siege in Fog, Because I Met You, and Fifteen Years of Waiting for Migratory Birds. All three are of the romance genre but the first one was set in the warring states period. Because of Meeting You was my favorite, I really loved the lead couple. All three tugged at my emotions differently and kinda made me obsessed with the whole Chinese culture for a few days. But it was nice just having something to binge watch again. 

Saturday through Monday: Umair and I went to Northern Kentucky/Cincinnati to visit our friend Emma. Saturday and Sunday, we went with her to like three grad parties. I gotta say, those events were the epitome of white, American experiences I’ve had in my life. All the kids graduating were from private schools and it was almost the same families at each event so we saw everyone at least twice. They were all SO nice. It was unfamiliar and uncomfortable (because I’m just awkward). Lots of food, lots of preppy attire (good looks from all the fashionable moms though), lots of business/medical talk (since that seemed to be everyones’ parent’s jobs), typical American party games, and lots of alcohol. Haha these parents really know how to have a good time and really want their kids to have one to. It was fun, awkward, and exhausting. I was socialized out. But we also went shopping, of course. Umair got his first Lululemon product! We also went to Taste on Cincinnati, which is a large food festival. Ugh all the food was good (maybe overpriced?) and it was nice just to walk around downtown Cincy to be out and about in the city. Whew, it was a fun weekend but I am happy to just chill for the next few days. 

Book of the week: In Pursuit of Elegance by Matthew E. May

[thoughtstojots]

Weekly Wrap-Up: 5/13-5/19

Sunday was my last day home for the weekend. I spent the day doing lots of little chores around the house, preparing for my leave. Coming back to campus, I felt the urge to just settle and start my routine of things. 

And so that’s what happened throughout the weekdays. I worked at the textiles lab, worked at the front desk, cooked dinner, went to bed at reasonable hours, and repeated the same events the next day. I went to the gym three times this week after my unintentional two week break of only going to the gym once a week. Some thing that may be obvious but only something I’ve realized now is that I actually do not mind going to the gym. When I have had sleep and decent food, not to mention time, I actively go. And once I’m at the gym, I actively work out instead of dreading it to just be over. Shocker, really. As someone who was quite active in middle school and somewhat of high school, I really thought I just hated exercise. But under the right conditions, I guess not. 

Being in a significantly less stressful environment was refreshing. It was easy and productive, a combination I have come to really appreciate. As I become more engaged in this atmosphere, I see how much more plausible (and probably more substantial it may be for me in particular) it is. I like it, nothing labor extensive or mentally draining but enough to keep you on your toes and make you think. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t like a challenge, but an exhausting challenge everyday is not my thing (i.e. school). 

Saturday was my first real break since summer started. I had no obligations and it felt amazing. I treated myself to the mall. 

My goal for the rest of summer is to finish a book a week. This week, it was Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Burner. 

[thoughtstojots]

Weekly Wrap-Up: 5/6-5/12

Summer officially stared for me around 2PM Sunday, May 6th, as I wrapped up the last of my RA duties and started moving my stuff into my new room for the break. This week was quite a bit of adjusting. I work with a couple new staffs as I enter different jobs and so far so good. Everyone seems kind and trustworthy (although they may not have necessarily come off as that way to begin with). With the summer RA job, it’s nice to meet new people and have this time to get closer to the ones I don’t know as well. I’ve only had one late shift so can’t complain about that. With the textiles lab, I feel slightly overwhelmed with the amount of work there is (even though most of it is not on me). I want to just hurry up and learn everything so I don’t feel like I need to play catch up or bother Virginia and Jeanne from doing their own work. Umair, Madan, and I are trying this plan of cooking every night to save money. The first couple of days were eating out because we were tired and took so long to buy ingredients and didn’t want to cook by then. Somewhere along the way, we’ll get the hang of it. 

The middle days of the week consisted with a lot of goodbyes to some friends, namely Josiah, Firas, and Endras. Wednesday late evening we went over to Josiah’s as he was wrapping up packing and about to leave for Malaysia the next morning. I was getting annoyed waiting for him but as we all just sat and talked for a bit, my bitterness grew into guilt. Night fall also didn’t really make me feel better. He was like a wise younger (actually older) brother to me. The following couple of days I hung out with Firas and Endras. They introduced me to the Indonesian community in campus (the community of like 5 people haha). Endras made food one night and I visited a mosque for the first time! Definitely an experience listening to the prayer leader recite the Quran and seeing them pray. Firas is such a lighthearted funny guy. You almost forget that he does have a serious side. But it was clearly showed that night when he prayed. Everyone prayed for roughly 15 minutes. I felt like I did a mini workout and stretch session by the end of it, doing the movements they did. Doing it religiously, five times daily, would probably be a full workout for me. And that was that. My goodbyes to them. 

Madan was really craving ice cream and we ended at the closest one to us at the time, Panchitos Ice Cream. It was a cute green and pink (like the green and pink striped erasers I would always see at the book fair as a kid) shop that sold a lot of flavors you don’t find in American ice cream shops, common Mexican flavors I’m assuming i.e. mango, guava, taro, etc. They’re most known for the mangonada which is mango ice cream with sweet mango on top drenched in a red Mexican sauce. They have a location in Louisville too! But yeah, definitely a go-to ice cream place if you’re wanting lighter, fruitier, less sugary flavors of ice-cream. AKA my go-to since I don’t really like ice cream (but this is good). 

For the rest of the week, I went home. There was so much going on and lots to do. My family celebrated Mother’s Day early and took her out to dinner Friday night at Brenden’s Catch 23. Although I had been saving for this meal for a while now, it was still a little jab in my side to see my bank account plummet. Nonetheless, as long as my mother loved it! Florence and Julie got her makeup and I got her a FitBit. I don’t know what my mom really talks about nowadays but I guess more about makeup to them. To me, its health worries. I really want her to get back to exercising regularly and ease her own worries about her nonexistent health problems. Hopefully, the FItBit will be encouraging. 

Of course what kind of return would it be if I didn’t spend a day being a free taxi service to family. I ran a bunch of errands and drove so many places as per usual. It was Florence’s prom night so it was especially hectic from taking her to get her nails done to taking her to get hair done to taking their friends’ prom pictures. My brother had to be places and so did the other sister. I mean overall, I’m glad I could ease the load but wow I forget how busy we all are when I’m away. 

Earlier that morning my family paid our respects to my dad. We only do it once a year some time in May. It’s just May is also a very hectic month for us and I wish we could be more timely and peaceful but I guess it is what it is. I didn’t have much to say or think about towards him. I was really just curious about the realm after death or if even such a thing exists. That moment and a moment when I was praying in the mosque made me really think about these strongholds. People come in and shift into completely different faces in mere seconds when they believe they’re in the presence of something so great, including me. I thought that we all pick and choose these presences. But not all of us do. To warlords, dictators, people forced into certain beliefs, or people so isolated and are unaware of what is beyond the system they partake in, sometimes there is no choice visible beyond what you know or what you fear. 

[thoughtstojots]

End Reflection: sophomore year of college

This year has been quite the year but most definitely a step up from the last in many ways. Here are some conclusions and progressing thoughts. 

1.) I still am not sure what I want to do with my life... maybe a doctor, maybe someone in product development. Whatever it may be I still want to dip my toes in so many other subjects and fields of study like cardiac research, textiles, sociology, European history, political science dealing with health care and international relations, food waste, biotechnology. The list GOES ON. If anything I have realized this year, it is that I just want to learn, to know, to try to understand, and to do whatever I can to gain a better perspective of what I want to learn about. 

2.) Academics are not my priority. Important? Yes. Needed? Well, maybe not. That doesn’t mean I neglect them at all. Yes, I still put effort and I still intend to get good grades but I am most definitely not losing sleep (or as much as my more school-oriented-high-school-self would have) over stressing out about a class to get an A in. 

a. What if I want to be a doctor? Then I should have exceptional grades to bring up my overall resume. Grades are one way to boost your resume but definitely not the only way. I’m not just letting them sink and watching them drown. Rather, I’m just choosing my room over the library. More so, because I’m not so sure I want to be a doctor, I don’t think it’s worth it to lose sleep over it especially in these harder science classes. And if I do choose med school, I’ll work super hard to do well on the MCAT (easier said than done, but doable). 

b. Somewhere in the fusion of the egg and sperm that made me, the DNA lineup possibly allowed me to be slightly smart. This year, the year I have honestly slacked the most ever in school, I have noticed that my plummet was not too bad. I mean it may be that I’m getting more sleep than others but I don’t have to work as hard as a lot to get the same results. When it comes to understanding connections between differences and learning trends and patterns, I much say I have a knack for it after just seeing it the first few times. And I guess with this, I choose my battles. I.e. organic chemistry. Mechanisms no problem. Remembering reagents, problem. Wouldn’t have been if I had taken some time to make flashcards or a Quizlet but oh well.

c. My desire to learn really comes into play with all of this. I enjoy hearing it for what it is or maybe reading on it to know more about it. But hard core studying, no thanks. Evolution lecture was very interesting (during the times I wasn’t sleeping in it) but more enjoyable was the book (when I actually read it). The book was actually interesting and from there, informing, and a good way to study. But I didn’t go out of the way to study so I could get an A on the exam. 

d. Regrettably, I still don’t know how to effectively study. The studying I did this year was a lot of piggy backing off of other’s study sessions or self teaching myself something I did want to know more about but was probably only going to be two multiple choice questions on the exam. 

With this mentality, I have become more relaxed and less stressed. I have invested myself in so many other things that have made me happier. That was also a difference between high school me and college me. My grades were "priorities” in high school but I kept a balanced life of doing extracurricular activities that I honestly enjoyed. It just happened that a lot of my social life at time was also interwoven with these activities, making it all manageable. Once I entered college, I came in with the mindset that my grades were my priority and actually made them my priority. There’s no doubt, there are times I still regret my past action and choices, comparing my what is to a what could have been scenario (but I always overthink things and look back on what a “better” situation). It’s difficult not to but I’m learning.

3.) The time spent with certain people is way too short. This year I have really branched my self in varying social groups and met many people. Sad to say though, quite a few of them graduated this semester. Even sadder to say, a good handful were international students who are returning/have returned to their prospective homelands. Those who are not, are off to better things away from Lexington. Earlier in the week I was comparing my social group from freshmen year to this year and noticed stark contrasts but also some underlying themes. 

a. The Greek life scene was definitely not up my ally. A lot of partying and drama, fake sisterly bonding, and an awkward climb to a crumbly social hierarchy. I think the worst part about it was that it kept me encapsulated in a bubble where I found no individual growth. My days revolved around it with going chapter meetings or mandatory events, trying to eat or hang out with my “sisters” to bond, pretending to care about the dumb shit they got themselves into. It was all just not my scene. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t meet any great people. I met wonderful women in the sorority I was in and I know a handful of strong, intelligent, women in sororities now. But it was not until I was out of that cliquey, over-dramatic environment and involved in other things that I saw some of the better qualities in these women. One, it makes me happy to see the great things of them do outside that realm. Two, it’s disheartening to see how two-faced these same people can be around different people. 

The people I met this year, wow. I can’t even say they were a complete 360 but really they were just on a different playing field. As much as I would like to think it had something to do with the Law of Attractiveness, it was probably more so luck. From work, to clubs, to labs, to classes, to volunteering, to random hangouts, to studying, I met some good people that I have shared some great memories with. (There have also been a handful of bad apples that I wish I didn’t have memories with.) They were all integrated in their own communities but were so welcoming to me. In one short year, I have experienced more warmth from strangers than I have a lifetime. I wish they didn’t have to leave. 

b. Dipping my toes in other things has also kept me a good distance from the pre-med crowd. But even in freshmen year, I didn’t seek their integration. I have met more pre-meds but I have learned to pick and sort who I enjoy being around, who I find annoying and aggravating, and who I totally don’t want to talk to unless I need something from them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Surely enough, this distance has made it easier to relieve some guilt I have about my not-so-stellar grades and to pursue more enjoyable events. But hey, late night study sessions with lots of Starbucks and good company is something I will forever cherish. Also, it has been so much fun meeting science orientated people not pre-professional anything.  

4.) Home is still too far. Yeah, a little over an hour away but with no car and limited time, it is far. Talking and texting my family weekly is still inconvenient for al of us as we’re each getting busier and busier.  In some ways it has been a good thing, especially for my siblings. Since I am a second overbearing mother figure sometimes, they have less to deal with now that I am away and I can see that it has been for the better. They’ve grown and accomplished so much. I’m proud. 

5.) Just because I have free time doesn’t mean I’m free. This year was also a lot about balancing my energy levels in terms of school, work, socializing, and having me time. I tended to overbook myself thinking I was getting equal amounts in everything but not realizing that I needed unequal amounts of some things for me to really thrive. 

6.) The year of not shopping for clothes failed. Sorry not sorry. I cheated the system for so long by having Umair buy be things and I buy him things in return. Now it has just collapsed. Somewhere in March, I bought something. But, hey, I did last longer than many assumed. 

7.) If you can’t be a team player, don’t be on the team. There were some shining moments where I showed some intelligence, organization, and leadership skills throughout the year among different groups. However, if I must commend myself on anything, it’s for being a team player. Understanding where the faults are, doing your part, and upholding yourself to the standards set, it’s not impossible. You’re just really accountable for you. But to be on a team, please be aware of of the others and try to be understanding. You don’t have to break your back for someone but you could try bending a bit. It’ll only help you be more flexible. 

8.) I’m really not that young. They say age is just a number and it really is. But it’s also a number with limitations and responsibilities. No driving until this age.  No drinking until this age. Vote when you’re this age. Apply to things when you’re this age. Sigh. As much as I look forward to getting to a more respectable age, I don’t want to grow up at all. It’s all contradictory to me. 

[thoughtstojots]

Lots of Mind, Little Soul

7:42 AM, Thursday, May 4th 

It’s my last day of finals and thus my last day of my freshman year or college. I have pulled an all nighter to study (not quite successful as many may presume).

This year has been rough. I can’t say that I enjoy college and I’m not sure of what I want to do. Yes, I know. As are many others. But from me to me, I do not know. Rather I have hunches but no faith nor courage to grab on to them and enter a realm that has become so unrealistic to me. I wish I could though. 

Right now, I’m not happy. I’m not happy with my grades, what I’ve done, or am doing. More so, I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about school. I don’t care about these seemingly life important moments -my youth, my freedom. They are meaningless when I can’t even conjure the most basic of emotions to seek adventure or self exploration and make use of these times. 

It’s lonely where I am. My mind wanders and my heart hurts, but I yearn for nothing and let it all sit in the cavity that is my body. I can’t differentiate if I want to continue the path I think I want or if I just want the want. It could have been such a simple choice... but I’ve overcomplicated it, I’ve made myself too confused to even separate my delusions from my desires. 

They get tossed around and bounce back and forth on their own. My returning thoughts, that is. They never fail to hit and further dent the same spot. That spot of uncertainty, anxiety, sadness, and an ever-growing embrace of the dark parts of letting go. 

[thoughtstojots]

Life Checkup

PHYSICALLY: I am well. Probably not really in the best of shape but I feel well. My boyfriend an I have been working out twice a week as soon as we got back from spring break. Haha, it only least about 3 weeks. Thank you exams. I did lots of late night studying (but not enough I guess since I feel like all my exams go horribly, and some of them did *sigh*), and did not eat regularly or quite healthy. But my family did visit me the weekend before exams started and my mom brought me lots of yummy, filling, home food and that has sustained me :) I really appreciated it. Now, I am restless and hence, the 5 am Tumblr post. I’m tired but cannot sleep. On the up side, the weather has gotten warmer and I am truly starting to feel like I can wear t-shirts and shorts. My boyfriend is currently snoring next to me right now, cute haha. Speaking of which, he is getting sick which makes me concerned. I hope he feels better soon. 

EMOTIONALLY: I’m tired, anxious, nervous, and stressed. School is such a heavy burden and I miss doing things I like to do. I have short bursts of motivation and long periods of wanting to give up. Give up, quit, etc. but more so, I long to go do something that makes me happy, excited, curious, and amazed. I want to skip lectures and go directly into a lab or watch surgeries, learn from experience ya know? I desire to shop (of course), to write more, go on adventures, find my inner peace, and create someone I’m happy to be. Exam week always gives me a flood of emotions, I’m happy it is over. When my family came to visit, I busted out in tears to my mom in the car. After trying to hold it in to myself for so long, it felt relieving. Basically, I just cried to her about how hard school was for me, how lonely I felt, and how burnt out I was. She was nothing short of encouraging and loving. She suggested that I switch goals or do something less burdening but I don’t know what else I would possibly strive for... (sad but true). Everything else just seems ridiculous (even if I wanted to try it) or was not in my personal interests. 

SPIRITUALLY: Honestly relieved to say that I have come to terms with my religious identity. I am not a christian. But I do believe in God and I am “seeking” Him. It is said and done, people know. And I am happy they do. I feel like I’m not under a mask anymore and I don’t have to spend my energy on religious things I don’t agree with. Anyways, I essentially do not feel convicted of my sins nor do I feel like I’m in a relationship with God. Yes, I know, there’s a Bible verse about seeking and knocking on the door for God and Him always coming. Well, eventually I will want to stop seeking and knocking. Yes, it is often times me that is the problem, not God. I did not say He was, I just said that I don’t feel a relationship with Him. And sure that may be my loss, but it is my choice. I don’t to be labeled a “christian” if I’m not. And if I am not a christian, I’m okay with it. You can pray for me, help me, etc. but I am content and happy to be a bit closer and realer to myself and the world. 

DATING: The boyfriend and I have crossed 8 months! Kinda crazy to think about, really. We argue a lot less now and have become even closer friends. I’ve become a lot more comfortable around him. I didn’t think anyone aside from my family would see this much of me. But he has and I have seen him in many new ways as well. I am more than thankful for him! 

CONCLUSIONS/REALIZATIONS: I love my mom so much!!! I still don’t like school. I want to do more with my life. My youth is being wasted.... In the end, I may not be “fine” in the worldly standards but to me, this is all I really know. I am “fine,” still stressed, a mess, but also blessed. 

[thoughtstojots]

Random Log & Thoughts

Last night was the first night I had to myself in a long time. I spent the first half of the night finishing the hit TV show, Friends (sigh, I loved it and miss it). Then I did chemistry homework. After finishing that, I treated myself to Taco Bell (yeah, so healthy but more so nothing else was open) and more Netflix. It was all comforting and lonesome (the good lonesome where your thoughts can wander and not be interrupted, where you can be you in the presence of yourself).  

Earlier yesterday, a dear friend of mine experienced a hard failure. He cried. I cried. To some, it was probably nothing to cry about at all but we did. My heart genuinely did hurt for him. Not for his failures but for the pain and emotions he was feeling. In some ways, I saw my own past in that moment. 

The burdens to carry, the expectations to meet, and the desire to accept defeat. Sure, maybe there is a refreshing, liberating after feeling but we may not notice it or even welcome it at all because these burdens and expectations come from our desires. They are us, and taking them away leaves an empty and failed state of being before anything else. 

Then I Bible studied with a friend. I believe in God but I don’t want to follow Him. I want the want to follow him but for now, I want to do whatever makes me happy (easier said than done) or whatever I want to do. Yes, I know the consequences and the rewards but even so, I don’t want to follow. I don’t want to feel convicted of my sins each time I meet with my friend. Yes, they exist. So what. Let them be. I was my life as it is. God, I want you to be at my convenience because I worship myself. 

[thoughtstojots]

To Know All

I did not come into the world all knowing, but it would be something to know all. 

To know the value of happiness, miracles, and time. 

To understand the simplicity of a smile, genuineness of a being, and love from the heart. 

To see the complexities of living, diversity, and unity. 

To view the Earth through the eyes of mountains, oceans, and the sun. 

To cry the joys of freedom, equality, and not having to run. 

To feel peace, gratitude, and satisfaction.

To witness the underdog rise to victory, the odds in your favor, and the guarantee that you will wake up to a tomorrow.  

To know that good will overcome, fate will not change, and time will always tell. 

[thoughtstojots]

Unlucky Me: Laundry Edition

Let me tell you about my luck. My boyfriend and I tried to do two loads of laundry together. We put two Tide Pods in each load. Both washing machines pushed all four pods into the crevasse of the door. So, our laundry is just tumbling in warm water for thirty minutes.