thoughtstokeepmeupatnight - Tumblr blog

[thoughtstokeepmeupatnight]

I think if anything ever happened I'd miss him too much, it wouldn't feel the same with anyone else.

[thoughtstokeepmeupatnight]

I've been so focused on getting physically healthy lately I've been completely unaware that I no longer have a creative outlet.

I keep getting pattern reminders of having a greater calling of value of service etc. That I should pursue that. And then I commit to a career that serves none of the sort.

I'm such a perfectionist, a fast learner, adaptive etc. i can easily get stuck in a job and lose myself in the process. I find it hard to realize that it's not serving me because I get instant gratification from completely menial tasks. If the job is constantly busy and I'm thriving and progressing in that field I'll end up wasting years serving a purpose that's ultimately below me.

I don't mean to say that I'm better than it I just mean i know it's not my calling but it's better than being unemployed and in a rut.

This economy has really pushed me to question my worth here.

Why am I working for another huge American conglomerate that is only out for its own profit? Where in this industry are they making an actual difference. Are we apart of the problem or the solution. We provide goods necessary for the environment and economies of the Pacific but what does that entail exactly?

Tbh shipping and customs broking and anything I can go into to make over 100k salary in the next 3 years it's all well and good but am I cutting myself short in the process.

It's been on my mind for a few months now. I think the comment today from my old pastor/mentor/counselor really hit the nail on the head.

She asked me if I was still dancing or writing. I'm not dancing I don't mind that. It was the writing that threw me a bit. Cause amongst everything that stayed constant.

I'm almost 100% sure this energy has come from lack of sleep and all the exercise I've been doing. I'm trying hard not to see it as a negative thing this time - I just need a little moment to breathe is all. I don't want to burn out. I know that sounds stupid because I just literally came back from a holiday. I guess 1 week didn't cut it.

I know after this busy week I'll be ok. I think it was the funeral amongst other things it was a happy one this time he had lived a full life of adventure and travel and he had the whole family and hobbies and so many friends etc.

I want that I want to work and be able to travel and make enough money to support that lifestyle etc. I don't want to waste away in an office in the same country and raise a family here to repeat the same patterns.

I get why there are so many old people where I work they've settled down they've had their experiences their family's their kids are all grown etc. I get coming back to this what I don't get it is staying here for the rest of my life.

Not when there's so much more to see in the world.

[thoughtstokeepmeupatnight]

That's it really, I don't think many people checked on me when I was quiet. That's how I could tell the real from the fake.

[thoughtstokeepmeupatnight]

You do well for yourself start gaining your confidence back and posting more then all of a sudden people from the past pop out of the woodwork like 🙄🙄🙄

Please, I am not relapsing on social interactions. Don't even plan things with me months in advance - are you joking?

The best I can do is like 3 weeks notice.

If there's enough time for my energy to change, it'll do just that.

Aquarius season was a blast, I'm already prepped for an emotional roller coaster March.

[thoughtstokeepmeupatnight]

And then suddenly out of the blue I'm up at night thinking of all the shitty things I've been through with him and it makes me so angry and sad like I'm feeling it for the first time all over again.

It's unfair and its years in the past but it just pops into my head and I can't shake it for a sec.

I don't know if there's some unresolved trauma there, or it's this fucking "relationships" timing phase I'm currently in that has me doubting a good thing.

[thoughtstokeepmeupatnight]

The full moon is in Virgo tonight btw, may explain a lot.

[thoughtstokeepmeupatnight]

Had a few demons try and resurface last night. I've had so much energy as of late since eating right & working out again.

I remember being so self conscious about showing too emotions when being happy/excited.

I was talking too much etc. And that seemed "diffrener" for me so naturally I was told it looked like I was different than who I normally am which is quiet and reserved.

I used to take that as a bad thing & became a real fear.

I remember trying to explain to my dad that the quiet shy reserved me was not the real me and the happy me is actually a little extroverted. And for years in my past I was the latter.

I shouldn't be concerned about the opinions of others too much especially when it comes to my growth, I don't wanna keep growing backwards. Forming myself into the person I am in someone else's mind.

Even with j I remember being overtired and sure animated and reactive & he used to critique that, like bit every single thought is worth sharing out loud nit every thought I have is gold.

I see those as constructive criticisms cause he's right I relate to teagan in these states. I see it in her too when she's on a high in her bipolar journey.

I wouldn't say I'm that, I'm just a mixture of my environment.

Being me is learning to accept all parts, acknowledging where they came from & continuing to grow.

[thoughtstokeepmeupatnight]

I think acid just makes you hyper aware. Super receptive & conscious. Every little coincidence seemed so relevant to whatever I was feeling/thinking. Making those connections became detrimental.

Been clean for over year & the biggest difference is the calm.

[thoughtstokeepmeupatnight]

I feel it now tomorrow's gonna be super productive if I don't sleep tonight. Then I can do like the old days and piggy back off that energy to actually sort my life out. This isn't a backslide sleep deprivation is fine in small doses

[thoughtstokeepmeupatnight]

Sometimes all it takes is to know what I'm listening to. So much to say all done effortlessly Bible like an album.

[thoughtstokeepmeupatnight]

Is it gonna be like this til I eventually OD is that the purpose of all this. Sometimes it feels like that, that's why it's so easy to cry in any important meeting it shouldn't be that easy for me to say I wanna kill myself it's just a conversation til it's about my mental health/recovery. I'm not recovering from past trauma I swear I dealt with it in my own way. Now I'm just recovering from the relapse.

Feels like this suffering was forced on me. Real projection, this shit is not a game. I still don't give a fuck about the fame or the power or the money I know I deserve it all but like I said from the jump I never asked for the unnecessary pain. I know shit happens I know I can't control pain inflicted on me. But I stopped searching for pain I was searching for solace in medication. I understand for a minute there the weed wasn't working but who's life is this?! That wasn't for anybody else to figure out for me. I was overwhelmed from work I started tripping again it was positive then my first bad trip was thrown on me. That trip could've ended positively. I didn't need that type of discipline. Tell it to me straight don't be violent about it. I'm not someone to fear and if I am that for you just say that. Honestly say less. I made it through a lot I'm just tired of stacking this all up now. Cause I foresaw this I knew it'd get worse before it ever got better. I understand the break but it didn't need to build that much I know I'm strong I discovered that even more this time around. I didn't need any advice thats not for me I took the doctors suggestions it was collaborative these pills aren't forced I take their meds I know that's the trade off for being at home. Saving money not working trying to focus on my health now that's enough for now. I don't want to fall into another situation cause all this shit happens and I still want j.

That never changes I could give it a few more months get to know someone else better etc. But I know the day I hear from him I'd be right back there. That's how this goes right? No amount of time and no wasting time either right. Grown up decisions. Nothing changes on my end I still miss him.

I know the fights over little things were getting too much. I'm glad we're not there anymore but I still want him in the end after all the individual growth etc.

[thoughtstokeepmeupatnight]

Is this what my life has come to? Fighting off sleep. No it's been that. I get regular scheduled sleep now. Right on cue

[thoughtstokeepmeupatnight]

This chick got a little Porsche body I MIGHT LET THE BRO TEST DRIVE IT.

[thoughtstokeepmeupatnight]

I meant it when I said nobody new. I keep my word. I haven't tripped since November. One cone is more than enough. I been off all that shit the speed definitely Kickstarted the back slide. Now I'm trying to find motivation and get my creativity back without the buds. Really I'm just exhausted and lonely I have so many things on my mind and then nothing at all. Been too quiet til I blow and I understand the drugs did that but I really blew up like my ego and the delusions the paranoia. I'm just trying to find a sufficient balance well on this medication. I feel all it's doing is muting me like it tones everything down. Like it's fucking with the fader like life is in permanent slow reverbed. Til I listen to music and rap and it's high energy etc. But I don't know where to go from there. It really is that lupe song "might catch the holy spirit and start speaking in Nas records" that's the best way to define this. It's like speaking in tongues but I been practicing relentlessly new songs and I know the words off the bat. Freestyles I've never heard before. I do it with conversations top I've done it with people in person too I know I was on coke then but it's about precision. It gets too far when I'm out of breath. When the music stops and I realize it's just me tripping out. Life really like a never ending trip let's just call it bi polar then so we can call it a day.

[thoughtstokeepmeupatnight]

If I had my own bud and own car you know things would run so much smoother that an a massage or bath once in a while I'd be my better self

Fuck a law abiding citizen this shits contradictory af.

[thoughtstokeepmeupatnight]

I'm pretty sure if I can successfully book a hotel room for my lonesome and come out alive I can get my own car.

I'm 100% sure.

Cause we failed last time when me and James went but we both on the benefit.

Years ago.

I can do this on my own - remember "don't help her"

[thoughtstokeepmeupatnight]

Just one of them days I smashed a glass door on my brother's face now he's in ED good job gab 🙃 I'm not violent I was scared