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threeopennames · 2 years ago

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HP1C14

Norbert of the North

Ron shows the depth of his ignorance by refusing to study, and wonders why Hermione studies when she's already so smart. Ron doesn't understand things like cause and effect, or putting in effort, so we must pity this small child and hope he learns to do better as he gets older. For now, he's an idiot, and he displays that by almost screaming out Hagrid's secret in the middle of a library.

Ron, smelling blood in the water for more things to blackmail Hagrid with, snoops in his business. Ron happens to have a relative who deals with dragons, so he gets to be really smart about them for a couple paragraphs. This sets up our characters to go further harass Hagrid, where they relentlessly pester him to learn secrets they don't need to know and that could get the dude fired if they got out.

We get a tease here that the magic rock is protected by a bunch of trials that our heroes will have to overcome. This does get a payoff but the list here is actually pretty sizable, but the real tasks end up being really easy. Unfortunate!

After we get that plot setup we're treated to the DRAGON subplot. This sucks up an entire chapter and is easily one of the dullest stretches of the book. This all gets kicked off when Draco catches Hagrid with the dragon and then runs off. The author tells us, in no uncertain terms, that raising a dragon is both illegal and dangerous. Our main characters even tell Hagrid this! So, presumably, if someone other than Draco had reported it, they'd like...be totally justified, right? We're supposed to hate Draco for snitching on Hagrid but Hagrid's definitely in the wrong here. Weird thing for the author to write!

Ron's brother offers to save the day, and it's all kind of weird how easy it is for them to get access to the illegal dragon smuggling trade. But more than that, it's weird how easy it is for a bunch of dudes to just...break into Hogwarts and run off with a dragon. Like there's no security but Filch? Ron thankfully gets sent to the hospital because of this horrible dragon, so at least we're not treated to his kvetching for the rest of the chapter.

All that being said, Hagrid's over the top emotional outbursts are pretty endearing here. It's more emotional investment than any of the other characters have really shown. Even Harry wasn't like, that broken up when he had to ditch his parents in the mirror. It's nice to see characters care about things!

Then Filch (who has no magic) catches them breaking like, several different rules, and we end the chapter. Good on Filch!

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threeopennames · 2 years ago

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HP1C13

Nickleback Flannel

We lead off with something that becomes actually important later, but by accident. The 'crew' is doing research find out who the mysterious Flamel guy is. Harry, unfortunately, has been saddled with sports team practice and can't help out as much. So begins a long number of situations where sports takes priority for Harry over things that seem much more important. Not an unreasonable position for a child to take!

We take another dump on Hermione for having the audacity for being a good student, and we are treated to some Neville abuse, because it's funny when it happens to characters that aren't Harry Potter. What's extra weird that explicitly, EVERYONE but Hermione laughs, and she's the only one to go help him. This is like that hypothetical scene of the nerd coming in after getting a wedgie by the jocks and having his friends...point and laugh. In fact, our Good Guys Harry and Ron don't even really care until they hear Draco did it. Draco! The fiend! Let's stop mocking Neville for a minute now that we have an excuse to punch Draco.

Harry then, through his generous regifting of Hermione's Christmas gift, where the Flamel name comes from. This is both an interesting bit of reincorporation and kind of an unfortunate way to do it. The author employs something I'm not fond of which is the idea of a character getting lucky due to performing some 'good' act. I don't like the idea that if someone does the 'good' thing like helping a friend, the universe will bestow upon them a lucky solution to their current problem. I think I would have rather something like, Harry helps Neville, and then Neville is like 'oh hey I have a Flamel card you can have' and that way the REWARD for being a good friend is HAVING a good friend, and not that the cosmic fates have twisted to grant you a boon for following the rules.

Hermione has the solution to the biggest mystery yet, and so naturally, Ron is going to bitch and moan and be a petty asshole the whole time. We learn there's a magic stone. We also learn Harry is scared of dying, but not so scared he's going to tell anyone about it. Ron snaps at Hermione again for good measure and we get some more QUIDDITCH wow how lovely. Since Quidditch is boring, though, we lose interest really fast and instead go to some Draco bullying Neville. Then, after all the setup of Ron and Hermione practicing magic to really pull a fast one on Draco, Ron uses a clever trick to nah I'm just kidding he gets butthurt because Draco calls him poor then punches him in the face.

Snape looks angry and unhappy, which you're not allowed to be in the Harry Potter universe. We're then treated to Harry accidentally stumbling on his meeting with Quirrel. Again the author is rewarding Harry for doing a good thing (winning the spots?) by the universe handing him another solution to his current predicament. Anyway we also learn Neville got a concussion when Draco's friends beat him up, which is for some reason treated as not absolutely horrifying. We're also told that Fred and George steal food from the kitchens which like, okay, couldn't you have just asked? And then the chapter just ends with Ron being a nasty git, as we've come to expect.

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threeopennames · 3 years ago

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HP1C12

The Mirror of Don't Let The Horny Teens Look In It

Christmas happens (also btw the Weasley twins are assaulting teachers but they're the evil ones so it's fine). We're told it's vacation time, which sounds REALLY exciting because now Harry and friend can roam around and uncover more magical secrets. Ron tries to assault Draco after he insults him, and we can see that the Weasley's are just a bunch of hot tempered red heads because Ron has basically no other function in the story except to act as Harry's proxy.

"I hate them both," says Harry about Snape and Draco, really delving deep into his character motivations and complexities.

Harry tries to get Hagrid to lose his job again, which is just great, and we learn the crew is spending a lot of time in the library looking for this Flamel fellow. Wizards haven't invented google yet and they can't ask a teacher for help (for some reason), so our little gremlins have to scour every single book in the library. Harry gets the idea to look in the forbidden RESTRICTED SECTION, which is presumably where Hogwarts sticks only it's most racy spellbooks. I'd really like to write more here but this whole mystery about the RESTRICTED SECTION doesn't pan out to be anything (spoilers!). This is terrible. Like, shame on you if you're an author, and you introduce this big secret forbidden knowledge plot point, and then do nothing with it. At every turn the author just seems to take what would be a cool idea or bit of Hogwarts lore and then just tosses it aside as if it was a novelty candy name. Terrible!

We learn Harry and Ron gossip a lot about Draco, like a whole lot, and that Ron is good at ONE thing and that's chess. Then Harry gets some presents, which he thanks nobody for, and then gets his INVISIBILITY CLOAK. Again, this is just a real slap in the face and I don't know why the author makes this choice. The obvious reason is so we can have some 'mysterious benefactor' that's rewarding Harry with things to ratchet up the mystery. But Harry never bothers trying to figure out who sent him the cloak, so the real reason he gets this is so the author can stop carrying about how he sneaks around at night. Wouldn't it have been cooler if Harry like, learned the invisibility spell himself? Or like, EARNED the cloak somehow, like he nicked it from Filch because he's a nasty child or something? The way this is handled is a literal gift to him. 'Here you go, the answer to all your problems!' Gee, thanks, what a great main character you have there.

We're treated to a load of christmas whimsy lists and some drunk teachers, then Harry tries to use his invisibility to look at some forbidden knowledge. The first book he pulls out screams at him (always ask your books for consent before opening them) and the whole plot disintegrates as we're back to running from Filch again. Filch, who has no magic, almost catches Harry despite Harry being invisible. Filch is an evil bastard and all that, but the man is undeniably good at his job, and so far every single time he's almost caught Harry, Harry has been unequivocally up to no good. I don't have a point to this except to say unlike some other hires Dumbledore makes, Filch is one of the better ones.

Anyway ALL this nonsense with the cloak and the library is pointless. It's just filler to get Harry to slip into a secret room with a magic mirror in it. He looks in the mirror and sees his dead parents, and instantly becomes obsessed with it. Trying to get Hagrid fired takes a backseat for a while as Harry becomes enthralled with the mirror, which is actually a cool bit of showing and not telling about Harry's motivations. Harry is still a little shit and this narrative structure is terrible, but this part at least is good. Also because Hermione isn't around to take their verbal abuse, Harry gets pissy at Ron instead, so that's fun.

Ron's ONE good idea the whole book is to tell Harry to forget about the mirror. This is really out of character for Ron, I'm not sure exactly where it comes from, but it's nice to see him not suggesting that Harry molest Draco with the cloak or to murder Filch's cat or something. One point for Ron here, even though he's only acting this way because Hermione isn't around to do it instead.

Harry meets Dumbledore in the mirror room, and Dumbledore mentions he can become invisible with magic, a skill that I don't believe will ever be mentioned again. Dumbledore tells Harry to forget about the mirror except to know what it does, which implies he knows Harry will...try to use it later? I get Dumbledore is supposed to be this omniscient Merlin type character, but this has enormous repercussions for later, and not in a good way. Anyway, Dumbledore totally doesn't see himself with his boyfriend in the mirror, and Harry tosses out his mirror obsession as quickly as he got it. Back to trying to uncover secrets!

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threeopennames · 3 years ago

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HP1C11

QuadCityDJs

Hermione's first contribution to team Harry and Ron is helping them with homework. Then she does some MAGIC(!!!) to conjure fire, something that either Harry or Ron could presumably have learned but don't have to anymore because we let women do the witchcraft around here. We're told Snape hurt his leg, which is supposed to make us think he's the bad guy for trying to get past the dog earlier. We still don't have any proof that there's anything bad about that but Snape is a meaniepants so if he's trying to do something, it must be evil. Most notably he is talking to another staff member (Filch) about it, and since Filch is evil, there must be an evil conspiracy afoot. But, you know, not evil enough to actually tell any other teachers about it. That would be rude.

Quidditch starts and we treated to some students beating each other up, which is legal in this sport. Then Harry's broom starts to malfunction. We're told that only 'powerful dark magic' can affect a broomstick, which is an interesting bit of lore that will never be elaborated on. I just wanted to let you know that brooms are, apparently, highly resistant to evil. Hermione saves the day again by identifying that Snape is speaking something, and concluding that he must be hexing Harry because he's a big meanie. This, too, is an important bit of magic lore that we've so sorely been lacking in this MAGICAL SCHOOL BOOK so far. 'Dark' hexes are apparently only possible with eye contact, and chanting. This too will be completely unimportant for later and never mentioned again, but boy it's exciting thinking that maybe these magic rules will be important later!

Hermione saves the day AGAIN (this is the third time this chapter), but then Harry catches the instant win prize and the game is over. Hermione is not thanked for literally saving Harry's life, because there simply isn't time. We must first harass Hagrid.

Rather than tell a teacher about Snape's whole deal, they tell Hagrid, and then try to get him to reveal secrets to children that would end up costing him his job. He says the name Nicolas Flamel offhand, giving us our next clue to chase down.

Now, this probably sounds weird given how bitchy I am, and how boring and pointless the Quidditch scenes were, but this is ACTUALLY a decent chapter (to me)! Hermione is running around doing things, using the rules of magic and her spells to solve a problem, and the mystery unfolds in a way that isn't totally out of left field and harkens back to one of those whimsy lists from an earlier chapter. That's a good backbone for a chapter and when Hermione (our actual protagonist) is doing things, this really works. I could easily imagine a world where this chapter is slightly different and all our supposed 'main characters' get to contribute, but, you know, whatever. We got to see some magic. It's long overdue, and I want to give credit to executing it well.

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threeopennames · 3 years ago

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HP1C10

Hallo Hallo

Surprising nobody, Ron and Harry decide that getting themselves into huge trouble and only surviving because of Hermione was a quite good adventure, and they are eager to repeat it. As a reward for saving them, she gets called a bossy know-it-all, and ignored. As a reward for being a total turd Harry gets a state of the art broom bought for him by McGonagall. He is told not to tell anyone, so of course, not even two pages later, they tell Draco. They rub this in Draco's face, and then a teacher comes by and rubs it more into his face, and then we're treated to a very long explanation of Quidditch. Again, we're very casually mentioning how horrible students have been mangled, but whatever. I'll be skipping the absurdity of how Quidditch is played and set up to make Harry the most special person ever, let's just let the author have this.

Then we skip ahead to, imagine this, ACTUAL MAGIC. The class learns how to make stuff levitate. Harry is terrible at it, because, I don't know, he's too cool practicing sports to learn nerd stuff like magic. Hermione tries to help Ron out with the spell and Ron throws a fit ('snarled'!), so she shows him how to do it. She does it great, and then he says she has no friends and is a nightmare, because Ron is a terrible nasty little child.

Hermione runs off crying which is our setup for the next scene. Everyone's enjoying some good Halloween whimsy lists when Quirrell shows up and says 'yo there a troll' then passes out. Everyone is told to go back to their dorms so OF COURSE Harry and Ron decide not to and instead to go tell Hermione about the troll. Now an astute reader might think 'hey, why don't they just tell someone about Hermione?', and the author cleverly addresses this point by ignoring it completely. In fact, they actively avoid teachers, because...well just because, don't think about it.

As a result of their stunningly brave defiance of authority they run into the troll and have absolutely no way to defend against it. Hermione, it turns out, is too scared to do anything, and needs saving. Using their advanced master of magic Harry and Ron I'm just kidding Ron literally just throws garbage at it and Harry sticks his wand up the troll's nose. I didn't quite get how Ron was pulling pipes and bathroom fixtures off the wall to throw at the troll- let's be REALLY generous and just assume he used magic when nobody was looking. This is such a weird scene, ignoring the damsel in distress stuff, because the setup is perfect to have your brave smart cunning Harry Potter superhero use his newfound magic powers to cleverly defeat a more powerful foe. Instead he tries to fight this giant monster in melee combat. Like, really? Couldn't he have at least zoomed around on his broom or something?

Ron successfully uses the levitation spell to awkwardly hit the troll with its own club, and the day is saved. McGonagall, again, shows up and accurately says 'you dumbasses could have died'. Hermione takes the fall presumably in exchange for being saved and then they all become great friends. Ron, most importantly, never has to apologizing for being such a shit, and Hermione ends up getting punished. What a happy ending.

I've heard it said Hermione is supposed to be the author's self insert, but at least in the first book, I have a hard time believing it. She does plenty of heavy lifting through the rest of the book but she's always kind of treated like garbage. Harry and Ron feel much more like self inserts, because they just never face any consequences for their actions (because they are always right). It's depressing reading how hard her character gets trashed through the rest of the story. Plenty more Hermione abuse remains to be revealed!

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threeopennames · 3 years ago

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HP1C9

The Midnight Duel That Doesn't Happen Why Do You Lie To Me Like This

Since this is such a Draco heavy chapter, we'll really be delving into what this character is supposed to be doing for the story, which is fun! The first few paragraphs are not promising, though. We are told that Draco is worse than Dudley, which on the face of it, doesn't seem all that reasonable. Draco is clearly an awful little brat who says mean things and all that, but he's not a serial abuser like Dudley was. In fact, in these opening few pages, we get a list of Draco's 'bad' behavior but it kind of comes of as...really petty stuff to get upset by. Now I'm not a Draco apologist, but let me lay out the stuff we're supposed to hate him for.

Harry complains about how he's going to look like a fool in front of Draco during broom practice. This is pure speculation, and anyway, his performance is something he has total control over anyway, as Hermione will show later.

Draco talks about Quidditch a lot. This is an extremely weird thing to try and ding him points for, because EVERYONE talks about Quidditch a lot. Ron doesn't shut up about it. The AUTHOR doesn't shut up about it.

Draco lies about his escapades (allegedly). Harry also does this plenty later in the series, but I guess it's different when Harry does it, he's not trying to show off or something.

He insults non-magical sports and gets in fights with students about how Quidditch is superior. Oh, no, wait, sorry, that's Ron. Ron is the only one actually starting fights with people and seeking out conflict with those who disagree with him. Draco doesn't say shit.

And then, because we're pre-friendship, Hermione gets slandered for trying to study how to ride a broom before they go out and do it. She's even trying to HELP NEVILLE, who is reasonably concerned about his safety, and this is treated as annoying or something and that she 'bored them all stupid'. I don't understand this mentality at all. Harry is being a hypocrite here. He doesn't want to learn at all how to ride a broom, but is also worried he'll look like a fool for not knowing? Come on, man, are you in school to learn or not?

Neville gets a glass marble thing, which Draco snatches. This is actually a bad thing, so we can finally put a point here for actual bullying and not this weird hearsay Draco bullying that has so far only been vaguely suggested. We're even told, in the text, that Harry and Ron were 'looking for a reason to fight Malfoy', which sounds all kinds of sus. I'm going to let it slide for now, but this comes back later! The teachers are kind of nonchalant about it, and we move onto the broom riding scene.

There's a lot to unpack in this little section, and I'm not even going to get into the silliness of riding a broom as a method of transportation because there's just so much other stuff going on. The first real treat we get to sink our teeth into here is that Harry is a naturally gifted broom rider. I'm not super happy with this. There's a few ways to approach the whole 'talent' thing but I'll just hit 2. From a narrative perspective, having your main character just be naturally gifted at something is kind of a let down, because it removes agency from their character. Harry could have been a 'natural' because of something like, I don't know, he always had an interest in flying, or something. Instead it's kind of treated like he's just, genetically good at it? Or maybe he's just naturally fearless (even though he totally wasn't fearless earlier in the chapter)? I don't really like it. Harry gets a LOT of random, lucky gifts and talents, where it starts feeling like you could put any other character in his position and they'd do just as well.

The other side of this is that it's kind of implied because he's skinny and thin and has practice getting away from Dudley, he's good at maneuvering around on a broom. This kind of goes to the point above, where the author is trying to tie his talent to something he has control over, but since it's framed in this negative context (he's good BECAUSE he got bullied rather than in SPITE of it), it feels kind of...unfortunate. Like man, I sure wish I was bullied as a kid so I could be good at sports. Harry gets all the luck!

Moving along, Neville BREAKS HIS GODDAMN WRIST which is treated as comedy again and not horror, forcing the teacher to run off to get him fixed up. Madam Hooch apparently has friends in powerful places because a student getting horribly injured once again seems to cause no negative repercussions for their job. Hogwarts follows a policy of 'the kids are at fault for everything' apparently. Breaking any bone can be agonizing, it's kind of ridiculous how lightly this is treated by everyone just because magic can kiss a booboo and make it all better. Breaking a bone can be traumatic for a child! But, whatever. We're operating off anime rules where huge injuries can just be shrugged off. We have more Draco/Harry pissing contest stuff to get too.

Directly because of her own inability to properly instruct her students, some students get exposed to more potentially life threatening danger. Draco yoinks Neville's glass thing, and says he's going to hide it in a tree. This seems like a slam dunk way to get him in trouble, since there's dozens of witnesses and the teacher made it clear anyone on a broom was going to get slapped for flying when she wasn't around. Instead Harry does the worst possible thing and gets in a dick measuring contest with Draco by flying up and challenging him. I think the way we're supposed to read this behavior from Harry, and the way I read it as a child, is 'oh that's so cool harry is standing up to a bully'. But as an adult this just comes off as Harry 'looking for a reason to fight' as it was stated he was doing earlier in the chapter. Harry could have, for example, just gotten the orb thing out of the tree after Draco put it there. There wasn't any reason he couldn't have waited for the teacher to come back and do that. In fact there's a whole lot of reasons why acting out in anger like this (and we are in fact told he is angry) is a terrible idea. This further eroded when it becomes clear he's having fun acting out in anger, so any claims he's doing this to defend Neville kind of goes out the window. Harry isn't any different from Draco here. He likes flying and wants an excuse to do whatever he wants and show up his rival. He basically tells Draco he's going to seriously hurt him ("I'll knock you off that broom"), which is something Draco hasn't even done at this point. Like this can't be stated enough, Draco is a trolly little asshole but he hasn't to this point threatened violence at all. Harry, on the other hand, is very deliberately picking a fight. He's even starts it by charging at Draco when Draco very clearly doesn't want to fight. Harry is, objectively, being a bigger shit than Draco here. This is like that kid who threatens to punch somebody on the playground for like, hogging the swings. It's bad behavior, even if the target is being bad themselves.

Anyway, Harry gets caught for being an escalating booger, and is immediately rewarded for it. Very accurately, McGonagall says he could have broken his neck. Harry acts sad about this for a bit, but not enough to apparently ever apologize. Harry doesn't really feel bad about it all, of course. He's only sad he got caught. No reflection, no growth. Kids book, yeah I know. Kids shouldn't learn about things like rules or safety or apologizing, right? Moving on.

The rules get bent for special Harry Potter, and he gets into the cool sports team for House Good Guys. The entire structure of Quidditch as a sport is absurd to begin with, but I think that material has been covered plenty so I won't dwell on it. Suffice to say there's no reason why the story had to be structured like this. Harry didn't need to be rewarded for being a little shit, the same story beats could have been hit with him acting rationally and not like Draco. But, let's be generous, and say it's part of...his scar, or something, making him act like this. That leads right into more Draco content!

Draco challenges him to a midnight duel which is totally against the rules, and Ron is incredibly quick to sweep in and escalate. There's no reason to accept this duel. Well, there's one reason, and it's because Harry is really itching to hurt Draco in a real physical sense. Maybe I'm just a shrill pearl clutcher but this is like, school shooter logic, isn't it? Finally, a chance to catch Draco in a dark alley and pump him full of...magic. Ron and Harry can't wait.

Hermione, as is her trademark now, suggests in a completely reasonable way that Harry and Ron are being incredibly dumb. She's correct that this is selfish of them, and that they could get expelled. Now, you might think back to how Harry was so worried about getting expelled in this VERY SAME CHAPTER, and that he might reflect back on how that felt. Lmao no, he tells Hermione to bugger off and offers absolutely no excuses for why he's being such an aggressive little shit. This raises another issue I noticed happening quite frequently, where Ron is basically Harry's rude voice so that Harry doesn't come off as that big of a dick. Ron gets to say 'shut up' and 'go fuck yourself' (paraphrasing) so that good boy Harry doesn't have to sully his own character by doing it. This is probably some Freudian Id/Super Ego/Ego thing but it does not bode well for Ron's character. Ron is like, consistently one of the worst kids in the book. He makes terrible decisions, gives terrible advice, and is generally just a terrible friend. Oh, but, he redeems himself later, right? Uhhhh we'll get back to that.

The true point of all this duel nonsense was to get them all to sneak into the forbidden room and discover the dog. I understand what the author wanted to do here; you couldn't just have the kids break into a room Dumbledore said not to go into, because that would make them look like nasty little turds rather than adorable little children. But like, they're already breaking a rule to go fight Draco? Why not just have them go into the room because they are curious, or maybe because they wanted to practice their magic, or something. This chain of events just makes Harry look like he's the luckiest asshole in the school. Poor Neville, though. Dude didn't deserve any of this. Where's my Hermione/Neville spin off where they're learning magic and having an adventure that doesn't revolve entirely around proving they have a bigger dick than Draco?

Anyway, we find a dog. The dog doesn't matter, really. It's just another mystery to be explained later. Hermione is described as having a 'bad temper' when they all finally escape, which like, really? They almost actually died and/or got expelled, and her being upset with them is being treated as unreasonable? Jesus christ, Ron and Harry are terrible kids AND friends. Filch gets some hate too, for trying to keep kids from blowing each others brains out, so that's also fun.

And the ride is only just getting started!

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threeopennames · 3 years ago

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HP1C8

The Pouting Master

After a short whimsy list of Hogwarts architecture quirks, and some more quietly distressing stuff with the ghosts, we get REALLY introduced to Filch. Filch is treated as mean and rude because he thinks Harry is trying to break into rooms he shouldn't be in, which is an accusation that is extremely accurate (just not right at that moment). So we can say that Filch is definitely a good judge of character!

We are also introduced to Mrs. Norris, who is a cat. The cat also enforces rules in Hogwarts, which means it has a reasonable level of intelligence that is probably human-like. For some reason, this cat (who is again just doing her job) is someone that everyone wants to hurt. Even more than Filch, Mrs. Norris seems particularly blameless. You might think that, given how there's an entire House full of scumbags and bullies, that Hogwarts having someone enforcing the rules to make sure nobody is doing anything rotten would be a good thing (and indeed, Draco gets caught later doing just such a thing), but of course when you're Harry Potter, the rules only exist to hold you down, so anyone enforcing them is a vile villain.

From the way the classes are described (in whimsy list fashion, of course), I get the impression Harry doesn't like school very much. Each class seems to have something wrong with it, mostly anything that requires effort on Harry's part like taking notes or actually learning. This all culminates in the Potions class later. Brace for impact!

Snape looks evil and talks evil and treats Harry poorly, so yes, he's evil. I think I'm supposed to think he's unreasonable when he asks Harry some complicated potions questions, and maybe it is, but Hermione apparently knows the answer so it's not like totally out of the question for a student to know that stuff. And anyway, Harry decides to be a smartass and loses a point to that really important HOUSE CUP that the entire world revolves around, so we know Snape is bad news. It does seem kind of weird how few security precautions are taken, since Neville predictably gets mutilated when he makes a mistake. This is intended as a 'wow Snape really sucks' but I kind of read it as a 'wow Hogwarts really sucks'. Hogwarts isn't like, an anarchro-libertarian paradise, they all answer to Dumbledore (or some kind of unseen HR department or mostly likely just McGonagall). If students get mauled in their class, there ought to be some kind of repercussion for the adults in the room. So Hogwarts doesn't really sound great when it's staff enables this kind of literally actually dangerous abuse. But, you know, maybe it's for the best! I'm not an omniscient wizard, maybe this is just how the kids need to learn.

Plot wise we learn the bank got broken into, and we get Harry's first real motivation: finding out what that thing Hagrid got was a while ago. In this chapter Harry doesn't really do anything but think about it, but this obsession is what drives the plot whenever spiting Draco isn't on the menu. I can't wait for all those bad decisions that never get punished!

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threeopennames · 3 years ago

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HP1C7

The Snorting Hat

Here we go! We get some whimsy list descriptions of the great hall, and we're introduced to the Hogwarts Houses. They are the Good Guys, the Bad Guys, and whatever. We are also introduced to the point system, which became its own meme, and will serve as another big plot mover.

It's kind of weird how nobody knows about the sorting hat, but again, these are kind of throw away details I think the author threw in and then didn't think too much about. I say this because almost immediately after we're told this we get slapped with GHOSTS! Actual real zombie ghosts, that float around talk and are fully aware of their surroundings. This is such a monstrous revelation of such tremendous lore import that of course, it's used for a couple gags, then immediately only brought up occasionally as if the literal afterlife is a funny quirk of the public school system.

We are, however, introduced to Peeves, the mean ghost. Peeves (and then later Filch) are these tertiary antagonists that show up repeatedly, and they're actually surprisingly relevant throughout the story. I had honestly completely forgot about Peeves, and I don't think he shows up again, so it's interesting just how important he is to the plot before dropping off the face of the earth.

After some more whimsy we're treated to a weird song, then the sorting begins. This lets us get some more silly names, which doesn't ENTIRELY make sense because some of these nonexistent characters are supposed to be from the normal world, but again, throw away details so I won't dwell on it. We're treated to Ron hating on Hermione for no reason yet again, then Harry gets to do his thing.

I'm not exactly sold that Harry has 'not a bad mind', since so far we haven't really seen anything that would put him in that category. I'm also not sure where that 'thirst to prove yourself' line comes from. Since when? We're actually pretty scant on Harry's motivations at this point, and what he wants to accomplish while at Hogwarts. I guess we're supposed to take the hat's word for all of this, but it's not really borne out of the rest of the book. Let's keep track here as we go: Harry is supposed to be courageous, smart, talented, an ambitious. There you go, do you buy any of that?

Anyway he gets thrown into camp Good Guy and we move on. We're very, very briefly introduced to a Black character named Dean Thomas, who I believe is of zero importance at all, and then some more whimsy from Dumbledore himself. Then we get some distressing ghost lore, learning they are trapped in a purgatory like hellish existence, before quickly moving on before readers can dwell on that too much.

We learn Neville, the poor lad, was also abused by is family, but it's funny when Neville gets hurt so that abuse isn't really treated as anything bad. We're briefly treated to some Hermione committing the sin of wanting to learn while at school instead of just gorging herself, and then in comes the Snape man himself. We don't get to hear much, but he's apparently a grouch. Shame on him.

Dumbledore outlines the plot for us, letting us know exactly what rules Harry will be breaking for incredibly flimsy reasons. We are introduced to Filch, a character whose job is monitoring the halls, and who will get absolutely shit on over and over for doing exactly what Dumbledore is paying him to do. Filch is basically Voldemort for a huge part of the book, being even more antagonistic than Snape, so expect to see him often.

We end the chapter pretty uneventfully. Apart from introducing all the players in the Hogwarts ecosystem, not a whole lot of development here. Kind of fillery!

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threeopennames · 3 years ago

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HP1C6

The Journey to the Center of the Platform

Curiously, the author boots Harry right back to the Dursleys after all the whimsy shopping is complete. Part of this seems to be give them a bit more comeuppance while Harry (11 years old, I think?) gets to keep terrorizing them. Whatever, not my business, let's get to the important bits.

You would think that this would be an ideal time to drop some exposition. Harry just got a load of textbooks about the magic world, and all the time in the world to go through them. We're even said that he starts studying from them, which sounds promising! But then we're not really exposed to any of this information that Harry uncovers. More than that, it never really seems like Harry uses any of that information in the story at all. Like he's studying, but it's not really obvious what he learned, because he's kind of a moron once he gets to school. But I'm getting ahead of myself. We also learn Dudley has to get surgery for when Hagrid tried and failed to turn him into livestock. Isn't that cute?

Vernon pretty amazingly agrees to ditch Harry at the train station, and we're treated to the run around where Harry goes BUT HOW WILL I GET TO THE IMPOSSIBLE TRAIN PLATFORM? I'm not going to mention how incredibly irresponsible this is on Hagrid's part not to explain this to Harry, and I'm not going to mention how it's pretty convenient Harry was one of the last students to arrive, and I'm not going to even go into how the three-quarters part makes no sense. Why? Because we are INTRODUCING CHARACTERS!

The Weaselys get introduced here, and thus we will begin what is sure to be a long list of Ron things. Before we get to the first Ron Things, we met Neville. Neville is brought in as the comic relief for a lot of the book, but he's actually quite a bit better than that, but for now he's just a loser. We're also introduced to George and Fred, Ron's twin brothers, who are horrible children, but that comes much later. We're also introduced to Scabbers. Not important!

Starting a very distressing pattern, Harry ends up seated with Ron by pure happenstance. I would have preferred some more agency here but whatever, not important. We learn Ron is poor, although it isn't clear how it's possible for there to be poverty in magic land. We're just going to ignore this and say yeah, okay, you can be poor somehow, we don't know how magic works after all. I'm sure it'll be explained!

We learn that Harry isn't unique, and that there's a bunch of other students who like him only recently learned that the magical world exists. So Harry isn't alone in being a fish out of water, and...that doesn't matter and won't ever matter. In fact, as we'll see later, Harry frequently gets treated like he's the only student in Hogwarts to not be familiar with magic at all. I think maybe the author forgot she mentions that other students are also from non-magical families, or something? But that doesn't make sense because the next character explicitly comes from that background sooooo I don't know. Whatever. Who cares. Kids book.

We get some candy whimsy lists, and a very bad decision to make 2D images sentient. This is so baffling to me, because even reading it as a kid it seemed like a tremendous lore thing to just drop in out of nowhere. We don't have nearly enough time to get into here, so suffice to say, pictures are intelligent actors in the Harry Potter world.

Finally, FINALLY, we are introduced to Hermione. She's presented as incredibly unflattering, being described as 'bossy' and with large teeth. Hermione is treated SO badly here, I'd need a whole other post to go over it. I'll try to keep it short. Hermione is treated as an annoying know-it-all. She's annoying because she's...really excited about learning about magic. This is presented as like, a bad thing?! Harry's passive interest in the magic world is shown in contrast to how Hermione's obsession, where she's presented as impersonal and stuffy. But, you know, she's also trying to help a stranger (Neville) in the beginning while Harry is just stuffing his face with all his inheritance money. Hermione is our second actual main character after Hagrid. Look out for more of her later!

Finally, Draco shows up. This truly begins the mighty pissing contest between Draco, Harry, and Ron. This whole arc (which takes up a LARGE part of the book) is so petty and childish and stupid, reading it again I can't believe how I never noticed it reading the first time. This isn't just Harry and Ron standing up to a bully. They actively antagonize Draco (who is a bad child, yes) and make things worse for themselves for NO reason. This dumb conflicts sucks up all the narrative air and so this book that I remembered being about magic is actually mostly about 3 pissy little brats getting into bigger and more elaborate assblasting competitions with each other. It's honestly amazing to me how much this book focuses on this relationship, so we're going to be talking about it a lot.

Then they get to Hogwarts. And that's the end of the chapter.

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threeopennames · 3 years ago

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HP1C5

Notan Ally

We begin the whimsyfest right after some more Hagrid threatening. We're shown how unfamiliar he is with the non-magical world, and how much contempt he has for the nonmagical folk. This comes up later, actually, which is kind of vaguely interesting because it almost comes off as bigotry (and maybe it is!). They go to a pub, and we're introduced to Quirrell, a professor at Hogwarts who SHAKES HARRY'S HAND.

Anyway, we get to Diagon Alley and the author unleashes both barrels of the whimsy lists at us. We're named dropped stuff we'll see later, but really there's not much you learn here that matters. Then we're introduced to the banking goblins and there's absolutely no subtext there. We learn that Harry is dubiously wealthy. The exact words are 'small fortune' so who knows exactly how much it is. I'm going to be super charitable and say the amount of money he has is enough for him to not need parents, but not so much that he can solve problems that would be easily resolved with some money. Because if we DO assume he has that much money, that raises a lot of questions, so let's just say he doesn't.

This is also the start of the MYSTERY!!! that Harry gets neck deep into later on. This whole series of events is what makes up the central skeleton of our narrative, so it's worth mentioning here as the starting point. Not much else to comment on here. I'm willing to chalk up Harry's nosiness to curiosity about how the magic world works, but I'm not going to be so generous when he starts knowing better!

We are also introduced to Draco. Draco is our Dudley substitute, so he's rude and prejudiced and all that. It's somewhat notable that he calls Hagrid a savage and a drunk and not good at magic, which are all definitely true things. Anyway, he's a jerk we'll be seeing a lot, welcome Draco.

As part of the whimsy lists, we get a lot of names introduced. Specifically in regards to textbooks, wizards and witches always seem to have names that fit their topic or subject matter. This is kind of weird, and it comes up a lot, but let's just kind of assume that wizards change their name or something after so many years of becoming subject matter experts, otherwise I'm going to be here forever mocking these names.

We learn that Harry is looking forward to abusing his powers and wants to spend lots of money. Then we're treated to some wand whimsy, and the chapter kind of ties itself up and ends. Looking back, the most plot significant thing to happen is the introduction of Draco. We could probably have cut a lot of this but I guess it's just slice of life fluff. But maybe it's not so bad, it's part of the slow build, right?

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threeopennames · 3 years ago

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HP1C4

Jeepers Keepers

There's a lot of content in this chapter that has to be parsed. Hagrid makes his big reappearance, and with it comes a slew of characterization for him. This is interesting material! It tells us a lot about Hagrid, actually probably more than we really get from Harry just being a sadkid.

Hagrid shows up and shows up and terrorizes the Dursleys, so that we get our payoff for all their bullying and abuse. Hagrid is super nice to Harry, but also doesn't really know him, so all his gleeful jolliness is just coming from Harry being a famous baby due to the whole Voldemort thing. Whatever, that's probably fine, right?

We also learn that Hagrid is kind of a drunk. Like not just a drunk, but a drunk who drives with children. But, okay, let's back up and say he's not really human, so that's fine, right? More on that in a later post!

In between the Hagrid character moments, we get the first of what probably has an actual name, but what I'll just call a 'whimsy list'. This is where the author lists a bunch of stuff all at once to build up a mood or atmosphere, such as by listing out a bunch of foods in a banquet, or a bunch of decorations in a room, or in this case a bunch of things Hagrid has in his pockets. These whimsy lists are actually interesting, because I think they serve a really cool narrative purpose. This lets you just rattle through a bunch of stuff to build up a certain mood, but then you can also nestle in important info for later within all the fluff. The author relies on this kind of more than I'd like, because I think it gives away the game by relying on this setup to deliver your later payoffs, but in this first book it's serviceable enough.

Hagrid gets really angry here that the Dursleys didn't tell Harry YER A WIZARD, which begs the question of how nobody seemed to do a welfare check in on the boy for twelve years. Now, Hagrid doesn't seem to know anything about non-magical people, and also seems to really detest them in general (more on this later!), so maybe we can just assume child abuse doesn't bother him so much. In fact, since we don't know much about how the magical world operates, maybe it's entirely possible Harry's treatment at the Dursleys was better than what he would have gotten in the magical world. BUT! We're told wizards and witches actually do interact with Harry from time to time. You're telling me not one of those randos didn't like, notice he was malnourished and skinny? Or how the Dursleys treated him? But, fine! There's a line later in the book where it's said wizards aren't logical. From this point onward we're going to say that Harry's previous abuse was just...not on the radar for these omniscient demigods. For whatever reason.

Petunia goes off about how much she hates her sister since she was magic. Harry, Petunia, and Hagrid all kind of blow past the obvious thing being insinuated here. Harry's parents had an incredibly violent and tragic death, precisely because the magical world is a dangerous place. Hagrid and Harry are mad about how him being a wizard was kept secret from him, but like, even if the Dursleys are huge assholes, keeping it a secret had to be the right choice here, isn't it? It's even kind of crazy they let him keep the name of Harry Potter. He would have definitely been a target from the bad guys, given how he killed their boss. Keeping him hidden and in the dark has to be right. And you can't even disagree with this point, because Harry gets kept in the dark CONSTANTLY through the whole series, because everyone reaches the same conclusions. But, whatever. Harry is a kid, and Hagrid has incredibly poor judgment, so let's just say their anger makes sense.

We get some Voldemort lore here, and basically just learn he was some powerful bad dude. None of this makes the magical world seem like a good place to go. I don't quite get how this sells Harry on the idea that he's about to improve his lot in life. The Dursleys are without a doubt some really shitty people, but I doubt they'd, you know, murder his parents. Yet the magical world not even that long ago was helpless to prevent captain big badguy from trying to assassinate him as a baby. That's not encouraging! That's more horror!

Vernon gets to jump in and be awful, because we need to make it clear that this hidden world of baby murdering that Harry is about to get whisked away to is better than child abuse. Harry also gets a bit of characterization, where his first thing he thinks of about getting magic powers is flipping the script and abusing the Dursleys. Is that deserved? Probably. I think there's not actually an issue with Harry being a bitter, revenge filled boy given his upbringing. It makes sense, and the question is if he remains that way, or grows into something else when he's exposed to warmth and love and kindness and blah blah blah. Remember this for the last chapter!

Hagrid then tries to turn Dudley, who has done NOTHING AT ALL to upset Hagrid since Hagrid stormed in, into a pig. Vernon does insult Dumbledore, but this reaction is completely ridiculous. Vernon doesn't try to attack Hagrid, or hurt anyone, but Hagrid just straight up tries to turn Dudley into an animal. Like, imagine if that'd worked, and then Dudley spent the rest of his life like that. Harry has to like, return home every year after Hogwarts. What the fuck is Hagrid's endgame here? He's going to effectively end Harry's foster family's son's human life over an insult? Dudley might be the a giant piece of shit, but this is really extreme. Also, Hagrid gets away with it, because non-magical people can't do anything but accept whatever magic folk do to them. What a great message.

We end the chapter learning that Hagrid got expelled, and is always on the verge of losing what little magic he has as well as his job. These are obviously very important to him (because he says they are), so remember this every time his job is at risk. Only the CRUELEST of people would try to take that away from him, right? Of course, because that becomes a plot point later. Harry Potter, the boy who is alive, almost certainly wouldn't be person like that, would he? (:

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threeopennames · 3 years ago

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HP1C3

Letters From There's A Sender On The Letter This Is Just Misleading Titling

We start this chapter with some more Harry abuse, and more Dudley hate. This chapter lets us know that Harry is going to a bad school, and Dudley going to a private one, again to layer on the whole abuse thing. I'll make a brief aside here to mention that there's a character named Mrs. Figgs that Harry doesn't like, although we're given no real reason to believe she's a bad person. The Dursley's send him to her when they want to leave him out of something, so maybe he's bitter at that, but it's kind of odd to spare a paragraph to dumb some hate on what sounds like some old retired woman with cats. The author might just not be a cat person.

Vernon and Petunia both heap loads of love on their son, which I think we're supposed to interpret as bad because if they were good parents, they'd be disciplining their son for being an asshole. But, like, it's hard for me to hate someone for showing unconditional love for their child. Yes, the abuse is bad and unforgivable! But I don't think the inverse is true, where if a bad person like, shows love to a small animal, I'm supposed to...hate the animal now? Like, it's twisted for sure, but it's not quite as clear cut as I think the author wants it to be. I would have preferred Dudley not exist at all, and the Dursleys just abused Harry because they hated children or something. What we're shown is not just that the Dursleys are miserable, angry, evil people (which they are), but that they are also fully capable of being loving and caring for one another. That's kind of weird, innit?

Anyway, a letter shows up, and Vernon sees that someone knows he's been abusing Harry, and panics, as is understandable. There's one line in here that I think is telling. The scenes and the following scenes are supposed to show escalating stakes as the Dursleys try to hide the letters from Harry. But what ends the scene is Vernon saying he wants to stamp out 'that dangerous nonsense'. As a first time reader, you don't really know what he's talking about, but if you're rereading you know he's talking about witchcraft and wizardardy and all that. Which, for those who might not be informed, IS actually incredibly dangerous nonsense! The seven books are basically nothing but dangerous nonsense. Vernon might not even be aware of how dangerous, but he knows Harry's parents were killed because of their affiliation with magic, and that Harry himself is possibly a magnet for that kind of danger. With this in mind, him being ridiculously scared of the letter comes off not so much as blind bigotry but like, a legitimate fear of the unknown. The magical world IS terrifying. A natural response to being told you're being watched by omnipotent reality benders who do not respect personal privacy, property, and answer to no one, is fear! That's a very reasonable thing to be afraid of!

Anyway, we're basically treated to slapstick for the rest of the chapter. With a different tone, all this would be the start of a horror short story. We're treated to totally not stalker levels of harassment as 'No One' continues to send letters to the Dursleys. He finally takes them out to an isolated cabin where of course, they'll all be murdered one by one, because that's what happens in stories like this.

The door bursts down and in walks the maniac, so you can play the jump scare track now.

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threeopennames · 3 years ago

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HP1C2

The Vanishing Mass

We're whisked away 10 years in the future. Arguably the story could have started here but I'm not gonna dwell on that. We learn that Harry is being abused horribly by the Dursley's, whose name I am probably going to continue to spell different ways because I cannot be bothered. The Dursley's keep him in the cupboard, don't feed him as much as they feed their own son, and threaten him with violence and punishment over infractions both real and invented. All that sounds like a typical setup for your Cinderella story, right? The Durlsey's are the cliche evil stepfamily, by which the humble and polite Harry Potter is a foil, and his admirable traits are going to be how he suffers and endures through their awfulness.

Dudley, Harry's cousin, gets both barrels of the hate shotgun in this chapter. His family dotes on and spoils him, and he abuses Harry, and is shown to be a real piece of work. He is only 12 though, so how much of his behavior is a result of a nasty upbringing, and how much he should be blames for his own actions, is something I'd say is up for debate. Regardless of the reasons, Dudley a bad, and Harry a good.

But now this simple cliche starts to fray at the edges a bit. It starts when they realize Harry has to come along to the zoo with their son for his birthday. This seems odd at first, as they really treat Harry like he's going to go nuclear and burn the house down if they leave him alone. Your first gut instinct is to think this is them being abusive, but then it's later revealed in the same chapter that Harry has magical accidents all the time, which INCLUDES damaging property. Needless to say, this does actually complicate things somewhat. The Dursleys are obviously asshats, there is no disputing that, but it feels weird to also give them this out in the story. If you were raising a kid, even one you might love dearly, but every now and then that kid just accidentally caused embarrassing or even downright harmful incidents for no discernible reason, you would probably be rightfully very wary of where you let them go. What's really bizarre about this is that the author needn't have bothered at all with this weird 'Harry can do magic randomly sometimes' stuff, because it never materially affects the story. Wizards can do magic just by feeling it...for this first book. Then it never comes up again. There's exactly one point for why the author introduced this into her story, and it's coming up soon.

Harry and his loving family go to the zoo. Dudley is being an ass, then Harry strikes up a conversation with a snake. The snake, which isn't from Brazil but speaks it's language apparently, eventually gets loose because of Harry. Dudley punches Harry because of course he does, then falls into the snake exhibit when the glass disappears. This seems like a HUGE deal to me honestly, that Harry has the power to just vanish entire objects. It will however never come up again.

We do not learn much else by the end of the chapter. In fact, reflecting on it, we learn almost nothing at all despite it being Harry's flagship chapter. We know he doesn't like being abused, which seems like a given. He has weird dreams, and is miserable, again things that I don't think need much explanation. There isn't really a motivation here though, or even really a character. There's not much to sink your teeth into here. Most of the chapter is about setting up how bad the Dursley's are and preparing them for their comeuppance.

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threeopennames · 3 years ago

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HP1C1

For the first chapter of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (because I'm American so I have the more EXCITING title because philosophers are clearly terrible) we get a point of view story from the nasty old Uncle's life. We are essentially told that the Dursley's are ugly and unlikable. We're also told a bunch of weirdos in cloaks were running around the streets all day. We're introduced to the totally not a slur word Muggles, and some other associated vaguely supernatural stuff that we're meant to look back on and go 'oh, THAT'S what that was!'

Overall, none of this is bad. From a child's perspective (or maybe just my own childhood memories) you might not retain everything you read and recognize it being reincorporated later. If you do pay attention, you get some tiny little payoffs, and if you don't, you get a payoff when you re-read the story. The author does this a lot throughout, actually, and it's honestly a neat trick that I love seeing every single time. I like being rewarded for paying attention, but also not necessarily left confused if I missed something important. Background fluff that both provides flavor to the text AND alludes to future events lets you double dip in your story, saving on precious word count. I like this.

In addition we get maybe the most normal interpretation of the Dursley's in the whole series (though this might not be true, I'm relying on my memory of the other books here). Vernon, the uncle, is clearly an annoying jerk, but he does his best to try and not upset his wife by bringing up painful family issues. This actually comes up later! Mrs. Dursley, or Petunia, is shown as being very uptight and rude and bears some ill will towards her sister and her sister's family. An adult might expect that to mean there's a reason for it, while a child will probably just think 'oh she's the mean one' and move on. It's a decent bit of setup, and makes us expect a good payoff later. Standard, but cleanly executed stuff.

Not so great are what I can only describe as the baby hating scenes. The son of Vernon and Petunia is Dudley, who is portrayed as a right proper asshole even though he's like, a year old in the story so far. This seems like a weird choice to me. Nobody has any real control over themselves as a baby, you can't hold someone accountable for stuff they did before they even had object permanence. Yet we're being primed here to hate on Dudley, because of things he did as a literal baby. Very strange!

In addition, despite the not very subtle attempts to paint the Dursleys as really awful people, we're shown that Petunia is a devoted and doting mother. Which, is like, a good thing, right? We're shown and mostly told that Vernon loves Petunia, that Petunia loves Vernon, and they both love their son, and even their intense bitter insular nastiness revolves around protecting one another. Like, that's not ideal behavior obviously, but they aren't (yet) irredeemable. Petunia says she had a lovely day, and enjoyed talking with the neighbors, and Vernon hesitates to give her bad news because he cares about his wife's well being. It sounds like a fairly healthy relationship! It's weird to have these warm domestic scenes in between the bitterly cynical ones, because I'm being primed to hate the Dursleys as an example of a horrible family, but also being shown they're still very human and affectionate. It's a weird mix.

Now I spent a bunch of time on the Dursleys, because they obviously dominate the early chapters, but not so much on the two and a half wizards that show up in this chapter. We have Dumbledoor, who shows up to be the lovable slightly crazy Merlin type. We're introduced to McGonagall, the woman, so she's the one who will be crying later. And on the tail end we're introduced to Hagrid, who is effectively one of the two real main characters of the story. Hagrid also cries, to the author's credit.

The actual story isn't very complicated here. We get characterization of the Dursley's, so you can start hating them. The good guy wizards meet up, and drop a baby on their doorstep while also dropping some lore about a bad guy named Voldemort who killed Harry's parents. Sirius Black gets named dropped as the guy who gave Hagrid his motorcycle, Dumbledoor says it's good to scar children, McGonagall says 'yo this family is hella garbo, you sure about this', and since Dumbledoor is an omniscient god he's totally cool with it. We end with probably a very unintentionally funny line about Harry Potter being 'the boy who lived'. Because he's only major positive contribution to the story from here on out is going to be being a warm body. How exciting!

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