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it’s been a long time.

i haven’t written in forever because my mind and time has been occupied by other things -- moving into new seasons, pouring more time into ministry and studies (finally... HAHA).

i miss this space; i miss the season i went through with God just writing and writing. but i think that season has passed, and this new season is meant for other things. it seems that learning how to let go is difficult every single time. but why pine for something that’s past, when i can look forward with anticipation to the future?

and speaking of the future, God has been so good to me in this season of my life. even as i am riddled with anxieties and fears as i worry about what’s coming next, He sends me affirmations and encouragements that i didn’t even know i needed. that actually seems to be a running theme in the past 6 months or so of my life -- it’s just been God revealing things to me that i didn’t know i even needed to know about. He is so gracious, sending me people to speak into my life, changing the way i see and understand myself and those around me. i sure hope i’m becoming a better person through this process.

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9 apr // 30th day of Lent.

Lent has been tiring. it has been a period of a lot of struggle, and learning new things (i.e. being uncomfortable), and seeing more and more of my flaws. but i guess that’s the point of Lent?

i think i’ve been focusing too much on the tasks, day after day, but not really linking it to Christ and His walk to the cross. ten days left, time to reflect on this :)

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22 mar // learning and re-learning

writing consistently has been a struggle haha -- every day comes with its new challenges and surprises, and creating a routine amidst all this is tough (but maybe in this season i should be making it a priority)

a few days back, i was cleaning up my room and getting frustrated at how some things i loaned to people weren’t properly taken care of. i was bemoaning the fact that no one else takes care of my stuff properly, and that i’m the only one who bothers to clean my things properly etcetc (yes, exaggeration and drama, that’s me 🙃). then it hit me. that’s the same with us and God. no one will ever be able to take care of us the way He does, simply because we belong to Him.

not only did He create us (and therefore has the best knowledge of how to take care of us, down to the smallest of details -- now i’m chuckling to myself thinking of what kind of instructional manual God would write for me), but He had to pay a hefty price too. no one would simply throw aside a painstakingly created masterpiece (which is what each of us is -- psalm 139:14); neither would someone cast aside and take for granted and item that you had to pay a big price for. conclusion? God, my creator, my saviour, and the One who paid the price for my salvation, would be the best one to care for me!

now, learning to trust in that and see the ways He cares for me... ah, that will take time. time to start :)

now just for fun: 

Esther Chan Si-En, Instruction Manual (yes, i am procrastinating)

IMPORTANT SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS

When interacting, basic precautions should always be followed including the following:

To prevent any damage to ear drums, you can consider wearing ear plugs, especially if you have ears sensitive to sound .

Always brace yourself for loud noise and laughter when interacting, to prevent yourself from getting a shock.

If you wish to be heard, remember to pause the Esther from time to time, or remind her that conversations are a two-way street.

Although assertive, the Esther never means to attack anyone personally. Come mentally prepared.

Batteries not needed.

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11 mar // ok i’m back.

i really did intend to write everyday for Lent, and today is day 6, but this is only the second time i’m posting oops. the past week has been tiring -- prep for exams, fights with h (all that’s settled now), managing stress, emotions and expectations -- not easy at all. but i’m glad it’s over and i’m glad that His mercies are new every morning.

40 acts has been interesting so far. i don’t feel i’m pushing myself as hard as i could be, so maybe i should start trying harder. the past week has just been faithfulness in the small things i guess: doing up the 40 acts newsletters every day, penning down my thoughts, actually reading others’ reflections (sometimes i get lazy to do this heh). but i really do feel it is a re-focusing of my life around God again. and i’m really trying to change things in my life that i know shouldn’t be there. the fasting is DIFFICULT of course: my muscle memory moves my finger to the instagram button so naturally every time i’m bored, there seems to suddenly be so much time to kill when i’m not watching netflix HAHA, and of course the inertia to read my Bible or do something meaningful each time in place of these activities is immense. but step by step, i’m going to get there.

revelation comes from relationship. this Lent i’m pursuing that relationship again -- one that is intentional, and full of devotion, utterly consumed by His love with a deep understanding of His true character. i really really really am hoping to see great things come out of this. please do keep me in your prayers :)

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6 mar // catch up.

in case you’re wondering how i’m doing, i’m doing okay. i’ve been too caught up in work and school and relationships that it’s been hard to carve out time to reflect. no excuse, i know.

--

today marks the beginning of Lent! this will be my second time actually properly fasting during Lent. i think this year i’ll be fasting secular music, telly, scrolling insta (but not posting: read more below!) and lastly playing phone games. i was partly inspired by henry, who is fasting similar things in a bid to feed less junk to his mind, and create more space for God; both which i need too. on top of that, a lot of these things i do as modes of escaping and procrastinating, and i really should start finding more productive and meaningful ways of relaxing instead.

oh, oh!! and this year i’m so happy to be doing the 40 Acts challenge alongside a whole group of youth!!! :)

for today’s act, i’m choosing to go with the most difficult option: to document my journey on social media!! so here it is, my blog post for today. i also decided that i want to challenge myself to post on insta every day too. it’s a discipline that i’ve tried to pick up again and again but never really succeeded in, and this time, with prompts every day, i’m hoping i’ll pick this discipline of reflecting and learning and sharing back up again.

“whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. and God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.” 2 corinthians 9:6–8 NIV

i want to sow generously, not because i want to reap generously, but because i want to sow in accordance to His will, and proportionate to how much i love my Father God. today i pray that my love for Christ would lead to sowing for His kingdom, and that my sowing would in turn channel even more of a love for Him! i’m excited to see where these 40 days will take me.

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God answered Job’s questions not with words but with himself.

R.C. Sproul (via thesovereignword)

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feb 22 // day 365???

somewhere along the way my counting got bad, cause i started this in may... how can today be day 365? HAHA.

recently has just been growing pains, and i’m very tired. and i feel in my spirit a sense of “this is not enough” -- i wish i spent more time on God. and really, i think this will need a reshuffling of priorities and more practice at guarding my time. maybe the more time i spend on God, the smaller/easier my problems will be. thoughts?

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“Your words are what sustain me; they are food to my hungry soul. They bring joy to my sorrowing heart and delight me. How proud I am to bear Your name, O Lord.”

— Jeremiah 15:16

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15 feb // day 358.

today’s devotional reading is on how God is just.

daph once said, “God isn’t fair, He’s just.” let’s take some time to let that sink in. i guess you could say we’re nitpicking here, but the whole idea is that if God was fair, then we’d all be born into upper-middle class white families. or we’d all be born out of wedlock to a mother sleeping on the streets. God isn’t fair. but He is just. 

if you have the time, look through exodus 34:5-7 and psalm 146:5-9 -- these pieces of scripture are so beautiful in describing God’s just nature. He is a first and foremost a father, a compassionate, caring God who does not despise His people. and if anything, we see that God is consistent, and never acts out of character. while God is just, and those who rebel will have to face consequences, He also disciplines with mercy, and with the intention of using the punishment to work in us and through us.

“plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future!” God cries out through the prophet jeremiah, as he sends israel into exile. what good could come out of the exile of the holy people? isn’t this simply brutal punishment? taking a free people and enslaving them again. but God has greater plans -- He plans to use His chosen people even through their punishment; He has plans to use an israel in exile to bring the mighty babylon to its knees in worship to the One True God.

God is just. but in His reigning and sovereignty, He never stops being merciful and gracious to those who seek after His heart, who, with broken and contrite heart, repent and follow Him. God is amazing.

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14 feb // day 357.

i haven’t written in too long.

this morning i opened my devotional, and it was on how God is loving. what a wonderful topic for valentines’ day :)

indeed it is such an important aspect of His character, arguably the most fundamental -- God is love (1 john 4:16).

it’s so funny, whenever we think about love, we think about the 1 corinthians 13 kind of love. but we’re missing out the gold mine in 1 john 4!!! 

verses 7-21 (esv)

7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. 10 In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.

13 By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. 14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Saviour of the world. 15 Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. 16 So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 17 By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world.18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 19 We love because he first loved us. 20 If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot[a] love God whom he has not seen. 21 And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.

somewhere along the way, blogging stopped being part of my routine. i have been learning a lot about God, i just haven’t had the time to pen my thoughts down. the past few months also have seemed to cause me to lose my flair for writing... i don’t feel like i write as well as i used to. and there’s a huge inertia to start writing again, because i don’t feel it will turn out good.

but there’s my perfectionist tendencies coming out again. perhaps, i’ve stopped getting as many revelations because i’m not seeking as actively as i used to. june 2018 esther, how did you do it???

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7 feb // day 350.

somehow i feel like i’ve been hitting a wall with my relationship with God. i think there are some things hindering me from drawing even closer to Him... so i need to keep praying psalm 139 “search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. see if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting”

i keep thinking back to the times when i have heard Him so clearly, and experienced Him in the mundane, and i really miss that. on one hand, i really want to get back to same closeness i had with God; but on another hand, i’m reminding myself to stop comparing to the past, and not to expect the exact same things to unfold in the exact same way, because (a) comparison will only make me unhappy and unsatisfied and (b) doing that would be limiting my idea of God and my experience of Him!

--

going back to school today, i guess i’m quite grateful for it: back to routine, back to a working brain.

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“You ask ‘for what’ God wants you. Isn’t the primary answer that He wants you. We’re not told that the lost sheep was sought for anything except itself.”

— C.S. Lewis

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30 jan // free day.

today i am very thankful that God has given me partner with whom i can pursue God with; someone who is constantly looking for ways to learn and grow, who is humble, and who guides me gently too.

henry sent me this sermon a few days back, and i finally watched it this morning. it has brought so much enlightenment and has renewed my perspective on Christ and truly how good God is, especially when we fail Him. if you have the time, please watch this! and if you don’t, well, try to make time, because i can promise you won’t regret it.

some of my main takeaways are:

1. the righteous fall too, but they get back up (proverbs 24:16) -- it’s okay to fall, as long as i get up

2. “many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all.” psalm 34:19

3. just because i am righteous, it doesn’t mean i’m automatically free from the struggle against sin. but just because i’m struggling, doesn’t mean i’m not righteous.

4. the whole lazarus example -- i don’t even know how to sum it up, you have to watch it for yourself. but it really really spoke to me. i cried so much.

5. the first step to overcoming repeated sin is overcoming my guilt. the sin is like a smoke machine, the guilt like the smoke -- it lingers. God can take away my sin, but He wants me to deal with the guilt myself. He wants me to open the windows of my heart to get the smoke/guilt out, He wants me to open my heart to receive His love, to partake in the divine exchange, where i trade my sorrows for joy.

6. stop seeking God for freedom, and seek Him for Him. matt 6:33 “seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.” (i hope this verse applies in this context? hahaha)

7. there will be people who will help me deal with my bondage, but there will also be areas of bondage that only i know about. and it is these areas that i have to work on on my own. i receive freedom from bondage, so that i can free myself in these areas. without this freedom, my desire to come closer to Christ will always be hindered.

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28 jan // day 340.

today i feel a bit tired. a bit lost. very much inadequate. perhaps it’s my pms speaking, but i keep sensing that i’m consistently not doing things right, never good enough. and it makes me sad. it makes me scared.

psalm 86 has been a shelter today.

verse 5

You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to You.

verses 12-13

i will praise You, Lord my God, with all my heart; i will glorify Your name forever. for great is Your love toward me...

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24 jan // day 336.

yesterday’s devos were on psalm 23.

verse one:

the Lord is my shepherd, i lack nothing. (NIV)

or

the Lord is my shepherd, i shall not want. (ESV)

and i started thinking about what this line really means. in the (new) NIV translation it reminds us that God is provider, that He gives us anything we could need. but the ESV goes beyond that, it deals with the matter of our attitudes and our hearts. the knowledge that God will provide everything i could need must be translated to action -- being satisfied with what i have, and being satisfied in Him. i must be careful that the things that i desire to have in this life do not become my idols, and that i do not use these things (no matter how noble they are) to fill a void that only God can fill.

“when we look to anyone or anything but Him, we will always be left unsatisfied and wanting.”

i’m still struggling with is what it means to make God enough. i guess this is a good time to look back on that and think about the ways and i am ‘wanting’ and also think about why.