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I'm thinking of maybe making a google drive with my friends for memories. Maybe this blog was a stupid idea? Who cares, I'm gonna use it for different purposes and personal reasons other than just the hidden memory blog. I'm gonna use it how I originally used it, as a kind of diary. And I'm gonna stop acting so fucking weird and cryptic, actually no I won't because I like it.
This is just gonna be a mega blog of different hidden pages about my life. And I'll look back on it in a couple of years, it'll be like a time capsule!
Although that's only on the web version. On my phone, it'll just be a diary. Multi purpose ig
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This is a secret archive. I know you probably don’t care, but this has a lot of hidden secrets to it. I know the internet is public, but Dropbox is too expensive, I’ve found somewhere to unload.
Some people, just don’t know how to treat others. I’m surprised by a lot of the lack of empathy I’ve received. I can rewind here, And start my life anew, leaving all those terrible people who wronged me in the past. These memories are for the past.
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Oh god I don't know if I can catch everything up to speed, but I've changed a lottttt. I go to a community school transition program now to get me back into school. Actually one of my teachers was in Phantom Sydney, and as someone who loves POTO it's always so great to hear his stories. Currently, my celebrity crush is Jimmi Simpson; he's just so charming, funny, he has this air about him that's so likeable. He has such a nice sounding voice, perfect lips (his upper lip is bigger than his lower lip! How cool is that. I think that's such an attractive feature...), the most beautiful nose (I just love love LOVEEE medium-big upturned noses. Upturned noses in general, the best nose on a man.), he's very talented as an actor and has been in some great shows (I actually first started loving him in 2022, when I watched USS Callister in Black Mirror. Actually that's what reignited my crush on him recently with its rewatch!) his gorgeous hair, his beautiful beautiful blue eyes and the fact that he listens to SMOG!!!!! I found out in an article, and honestly that's so good. I'm a fan of Bill Callahan and knowing he listens to Smog is a win for me. I don't know if he still does, but in the article he said he did. He also wears glasses! Gosh, I could go on all day but I don't want to waste your time. Currently my top artists are Jack Ladder, PJ Harvey, John Cale, Roxy Music, Bill Callahan, Scott Walker, David Sylvian, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds (Yes I know, Nick Cave and PJ Harvey, scandalous) and The Blue Nile. But I think spotify stats is a bit off on the ranking. Jack Ladder I have definitely been listening to most; I am OBSESSED with the song Susan. I actually found it around a year ago and loved it, but then in May started listening again and could not stop. It's actually become my top song of all time on spotify. That's how much I listen to it, and it never gets old. Cold Feet is such a nostalgic song too, it makes me feel some things. Its such a night song, I want to drive with it through the cool air near nature and sky at autumn/winters night with my lover in the car. If only I had a lover, I would cherish him completely. And as I said I've been listening to Bill Callahan, The Wind And The Dove is stuck in my head and all you'd hear if you stepped into my mind would be "I am a child of linger on, I peer through the window gone" just repeating and repeating on the loud speaker at mind terminal. I wonder if I was there, what plane would I catch. There would be so many to choose. Obviously, I get free access as the owner of the land, but my mind is wild and free and expands to many different places with my millions of thoughts, ideas, aspirations, feelings, interests, etc. I could take a world tour and reflect on all of this. I can imagine the floors as warm and my eyes calm and cool, steady guided to reflection plane. I just love that its Winter now by the way, I love all the months, Winter has its special charm. I'd always want to make love in a field near the mountains at night time during winter, with the cool breeze on me. I really do love nature. I love the bush, I love the mountains and towering trees in Washington and Appalachia, the beauty of the Blue Mountains, of course Austria and Switzerland and China is so beautiful too. I could go on and on. Most importantly, I love the mountains, hills, fields, trees, and the country. I also like lakes if they're surrounded by trees like in coming of age films. Speaking of film, I want to watch Wristcutters: A Love Story. It's next on my list. I might as well go, its getting late at 1am. My eyes hurt and I need glasses. I'm glad I get to post this, I'll probably read back on it later.
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I have a million thoughts going through my mind right now and I was completely ranting last night about how fucked up the world is and how humanity wasn't created for this, and then I think about my stupid little tumblr reposting shit that I have been forgetting to do and screenshot. Then I think about Cary Elwes and Bruce Campbell (Specifically as Ash Williams <3 <3 <3) and then I think about other irrelevant bullshit just like the rest. I'm pissed off all the time, I hate it but I can't help it. I swear to god it's not just depression, it has to be something else because I have unique mental problems that don't apply to depression or autism. It can't just be that I'm "sensitive", have crippling abandonment issues, think all my friends hate me, have an anxious attachment style, severe mood swings, bad emotional permanence, want to cry when nobody talks or explains why they're gone or responds to me because I think they hate me because they don't and then nobody tries to understand that I can't survive without talking to people or at least knowing why people aren't talking yet people refuse to listen and still go "well we have stuff to do yknow" well then TELL ME. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOURE DOING SHIT IF YOU JUST IGNORE ME AND DONT EVEN RESPOND. I WOULD NEVER KNOW, I WOULD JUST THINK YOU DONT WANNQ TALK TO ME LIKE NOBODY EVER DOES. I DONT WANT PEOPLE TO LEAVE ME. DONT LEAVE ME ALONE.
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The past few days have shown that the post below is in fact true
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I stayed up all night doing work, now my vision is blurry and I can barely open my eyes. I'm tired, I'm dirty, I'm ugly and I'm mentally unwell yet I still need to go where I'm obligated otherwise I will be that and worse for the rest of my life. Fuck it all. I just want someone to fall in love with me.
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I've been forgetting to post much as I should these days. Sometimes it seems like I'll never get better.
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I hate being here so much except for talking to my friends and the warmth in the air is good even though I kinda want it to be winter again. I still just wanna go home though tbh I'm always tired and my eyes hurt
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This is fucking balls bro, I hate my sad pathetic and miserable existence. Every day is the same and I don't know if I can take it anymore. I just wanna do SOMETHING, but where I live is so boring. I wanna be in a relationship, but all the guys in my town suck or if they don't they would never like me. I want to be around nature but I'd have to travel for a while just to be somewhere with fields and mountains and nature, and I sure as hell wouldn't be able to live there because I have stuff I need where I am even though the place I live is fucking shit and I hate everything around here except the tiny little personal conveniences. It sucks.
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