thruheavenandhighwater

[thruheavenandhighwater]

Pretty sure my mom doesn't even really like me but I still want so badly for her to be proud of me. I'm the first person in the family to even attempt college and the only things she's had to say since I told her are "you know there's no money in that" and "hm"

Like

Jesus fucking Christ I'm trying so hard. I work 50-60 hours a week and I'll be getting 17 credit hours of school before the end of the year and I'm terrified of failing and she can't even pretend that she gives half a shit.

I'm so sad. So tired. So numb but feeling everything? I hate it here.

[thruheavenandhighwater]

Not gonna lie, the current state of affairs in the US has me seriously questioning my choice to go back to school. It could just be rationalizing my anxiety about going back to school after having graduated 15 years ago, but I don't think it is. Between Elon and DOGE and the Dept of Ed being shut down I'm worried about how I'll pay for college. Plus I'm worried that by the time I graduate there won't be funding for libraries at all anymore so all of my work will be for nothing. Idk I'm just scared.

[thruheavenandhighwater]

Tbh I'm doing the math parts of the practice test for the college placement test I'm taking next week and uhhhh... Kinda making me feel like I don't want to do this anymore. I haven't been in school in 15 years and I feel so fucking dumb looking at these pages. Fuck. Why am I doing this again?????

[thruheavenandhighwater]

Filled out the FAFSA form and mailed in an official request to release my transcripts. Now all that I have to do is actually apply for school. I feel nauseous but I know I have to do this. I am so incredibly unhappy in my life. Anyway, wish me luck!

[thruheavenandhighwater]

Bookcase was starting to get a little full (again, after I just donated a bunch lol) so I thought I'd try stacking some to gain some space. But I can't tell if I accomplished that, or if I just wasted my own time. Either way, I like the way it look with some stacked so I'm gonna leave it.

[thruheavenandhighwater]

I am manifesting a lottery win so hard that I'm over here with life $500 in the bank shopping for houses in New England and an RV to get us there since that seems like the easiest way to transport for cars somewhat comfortably without having to drive like 15 hours straight through with them in carriers. In my delusional era, clearly.

[thruheavenandhighwater]

My meds haven't been working for the last two weeks and I've been emotional and angry and crying a lot. But I walked in the living room and found Doctor sleeping on my hoodies and I think it's the first time I've smiled in like three days. Cats really are just so good for the soul.

[thruheavenandhighwater]

I am so deeply in love with him. Dynamite is our cat, btw.

[thruheavenandhighwater]

Sometimes you see the moon during daylight because I miss you and I sent her to check in on you

[thruheavenandhighwater]

My mother just called me and genuinely could not figure out why I sounded upset while talking to her. Maybe because I've spent the last two days trying to figure out how to leave my country because of people like her. I've been doing the math to figure out how long my partner and I would have to scrimp and save to be able to afford to leave, hopefully before things get worse. Maybe because now I can put words to why she has never in my life felt like a safe person for me to talk to. Maybe because at 32 years old I finally accepted that my own mother will never understand me or people like me because she chooses not to. Maybe because I'm so deeply hurt by her actions and I know that she doesn't care at all.

[thruheavenandhighwater]

This is my mother. The woman who loudly cheered when she found out that freedom of choice had been overturned. I'm disgusted that the woman who raised me to be my own person and think for myself and not be a follower has become this. Her entire life since 2016 has revolved around this man. She cannot have a conversation without bringing him up and saying how great he is. I'm heartbroken to be related to this person and I'm so sad that my vote wasn't enough to cancel hers out.

[thruheavenandhighwater]

When I was a kid my mom used to tell me that she hoped I had a kid just like me someday but she always said it as if having a kid like me would be a punishment and I'm 32 years old and I think about that like three times a week

[thruheavenandhighwater]

Cozy Saturday with my bestest boy 💕

[thruheavenandhighwater]

Y'all I just woke up and it is 55° I'm literally going to cry I'm so happy. I made chili and an apple crisp last night. I'm about to go cuddle up in a blanket and read my book. I'm so fucking excited.

[thruheavenandhighwater]

So I'm planning a trip to Salem for my birthday next year (again, planned this trip like nine times and it's never happened) and every time I'm reading an article that mentions Hocus Pocus filming locations and they say "Zachary Binx" I immediately click out of it

[thruheavenandhighwater]

Pay no attention to my voice or my pig sty house but please watch my newest kitten, Dynamite, play fetch

[thruheavenandhighwater]

In my dream life I am a travel agent who specializes in US National Parks vacations and I also work at the library on the side