thvnderclovds - Tumblr blog

[thvnderclovds]

Hold on, where does it say it was your fault? I stated what happened between you and I. How you broke my trust, and I explained my situation with my parents? Where does it say that it all started with you. I’m explaining the fact that you involve my family into this discussion. Why wouldn’t i be triggered when you have no clue what went on between my parents & I? You of all people should not be saying how I have not been grateful or that I have been a spoiled brat? If I was so spoiled, do you really think I’d be this way? Do you think lipay jud kaayo ko sa akong family situation? For you to say I’m so materialistic - I worked hard for the things I want. Dili sad ko ka relate nmo nga you were given everything that you wanted sa imong parents but out of all the words to describe me “spoiled brat”? I paid for my laptop. I paid for my “materialistic things” I don’t understand where all of this came from because for one, this was supposed to be about Jins and I. I never mentioned you until you started this. This was not even supposed to be a fight. Nashock lang ko how it all became “ayaw mo pag away”. I already messaged Jins last night & I waited for her to reply and all of a sudden you say all these things like you were involved. Where did all that come from? It would be better if you come see me straight face to face if the problems are still big enough for you because I kept it to myself. I’ve already tried not to let things slip between you and I. So where did all the slander come from? Kung naa man jud kay problema, come to me and don’t just say all those without coming to me first. This is why I messaged Jins, because I rather come see her and I rather we talk than talk about it on social media. When it comes to you and Jins, i take you two seriously and would rather talk in person. But right now I don’t even know if I want to see you right away because that came out of nowhere. So if it came off that way, I’m sorry. Help me understand why you had to involve my situation with my family again. I explained why you lost my trust, and I explained the fact that I still have problems opening up to my family. I am working on my relationship with them but you had no right to involve my family situation in this. What I have with my family is for me, but you have no right to say all those things when you don’t even know what happened. I don’t even open up to you about it. All I tell you is that you’ve lost my trust because of what happened. That’s it. You were never the one to blame, but can you not see how wrong it was? How betrayed I felt? And what you said about it not being a “big deal” nga you told your aunts, do you think that was okay? I felt invalidated for feeling upset. You were my bestfriend, and I expected for you to at least respect my privacy. That was all. I forgave you but I dan not forget.

[thvnderclovds]

Where does it even state that it was your fault? This isn’t even a fight. Why make it seem like it is? Because for one, I do believe it is all a misunderstanding and a bunch of miscommunication but making it seem like a massive thing is different. How would you feel though - if you were in my shoes that day, and you find out someone else had already said what you were going to say to someone first? I’m emphasising on the betrayal, but not once did I say it was your fault it all happened. It would have been better if it was done at a time where I can actually do it myself. I wanted to speak about it myself face to face. I did not want it to be through social media because I knew it was a serious matter. Secondly, I vented to you that day because I wanted to tell a friend - I couldn’t tell Jens because I never had the time. I only went to you to send you get well soon gifts and a letter because I knew you needed it and I knew you were down. You were the only friend I could rant to - because you know about Jens like I do too. I couldn’t find the time to talk to Jens because of my placement, and how busy it has been trying to work all week. I was not prepared for it yet. I wanted it to be a time where both her and I were not busy. It’s a serious matter after all. I needed my mind clear. Instead, Jens and I had to talk about it on social media which was not ideal, but again, both her and I were busy so it was meant to be. I’m emphasising on the fact that I would have appreciated it if you respected what I had told you, and waited until I could personally tell Jens myself. I never said you were not allowed to even say anything regarding the issue, but it was not your place to say anything yet just like how it was never your position to say anything to your family about how suicidal I was. How do you get to say things first when I would’ve wanted to say my part to her first?   Do you even understand how telling your family affected me Camille? Do you even understand how much my Mother cared about her reputation, talking about “nag takataka raka sa imong gipang sturya”, instead of asking me about my mental health? I still have constant fear of eating with them. I was even anxious on Mother’s Day last year when I reunited with them after I ran away. Do you know how anxious I get around my family? You don’t. I’m not as strong as you think I am. I can’t handle it all. It’s not easy and it never will be. So next time I hope you respect and learn when to say something. Because while you’re allowed to speak up, I would have wanted you to respect my decision in waiting until I was ready to speak up first. Never said it was your fault. But understand that this is about my trust issue with you, not the Jens situation. This is all about my trust issue. You brought up trust issues I have with you on your previous post so I explained my side. What makes you think I’d blame you for all of this? All I stated was that I would have wanted was to be respect and for things to have been discussed personally. Is that hard to understand? Or do I need to explain further? Because if this is really affecting both of you, I respect it. And if it comes down to choosing peace, I will not get in your way to cut me off. I will respect it eitherway. Just help me understand this situation because this was so sudden - and it got big. But for what?

[thvnderclovds]

First part: It’s not even a fight. I wouldn’t consider it a fight. I haven’t said a word about green again, nor did I say I disapproved of him. And I respected your opinion about Snow and the way he’s been spoiling me a lot. I understand that, and we have actually spoken about it before you guys brought it up. But like I said,  I said my opinion, and never said they should not be together. To be honest, it would have been better if it came out of my mouth and for you to wait until I talked to Jens about the situation and my opinion regarding her s/o. I never intended for it to come out from someone else. And I tried to trust you again by venting out to you about my feelings towards her relationship - but again, you did it. You broke my trust, and there, I realised I really can not trust you.  I have tried to open up to you so many times, but I don’t think you understand the trauma I went through the first time you broke it. I wanted to forgive you and I tried giving you chances, I know I’m not perfect either but all I wanted was for you to keep things to yourself because it was never your business to tell your family about my situation with mine. I know I’ve made mistakes myself, but you don’t understand the situation I’ve been with my family. I don’t like the assumption of me being a spoiled brat because you don’t know how many times I’ve had to work for things to get them myself. I’ve been grateful to my parents, but you don’t understand the toxicity I face when I have two parents who are constantly bringing me down.  I’m not an only child like you. There will always be comparisons between the two of us. My sister and I. If I do something that does not please them, I’ll always get hit with the “this is why Donna is here” - it’s the same as wishing you never existed in the first place. Actually, at 17 my own mother said she wished I was never born. So don’t try to make it seem like I haven’t been trying. It’s not easy when you can not turn to your own sister for advice because she’s far too young to understand - nor can I tell anyone else about my situation because they don’t live in the same house as I do, and could never see how bad the situation is. If only you knew the load I had to take - being the eldest, and trying my best to keep things together, then you’d understand. It doesn’t help having Aunts who have very high expectations of everything I do. The constant fear of even wanting to go eat dinner/lunch with my family because I’m scared of hearing another criticism about how much of a disappointment I’ve been. You do not understand at all. None of you do, and I can understand. But don’t bring up something I never even spoke you to fully about, because you don’t know how painful it has been for me. I love you so much, and I still see you as a good friend of mine. I still see you as family. But we both don’t know each other in the way we should. We don’t know much about each other like we used to. I know we have not been the same, and I’m sorry for hurting you in the past. I never intended to hurt you either. I’ve always viewed our friendship as something that’s significant to my life, and I would never want to lose you as a friend. Breaking my trust may have changed the way I look at you, and maybe it’s my fault for letting that get to me - but I know for a fact that I don’t hate you, despite the things we’ve been through, I know I still love you. I always will.

Second part:

 I have already spoken to you about Green. I thought it has already been cleared up. I never said Green was not worth anything. All I have said was my honest opinion. That’s why I never said anything because I wanted to see where things went. I wanted to observe. I wanted to vent it out to a friend, but instead, it got out when it wasn’t supposed to. I wanted to tell you myself when I had the time, and when I was ready to do so. I never wanted to have to talk to you about it online because personally, I think it would have been better to talk about it face to face. Green is a good guy, like I said. I never once said he was bad. It’s the situation I was worried about. Long distance is never easy, I can tell you that. But I never disapproved of Green in a way where I can say you should never be together. And l still stand by my “just because he is good, doesn’t mean he’s good for you”. However, I never said breakup. If I really saw how bad of a guy he was, I would’ve stated so, and did more about it. I just stated how the situation worries me. That’s why all I said was be careful, and listed the things I’m worried about and also the things some people in LDR have experienced. And I wanted to let you know I was worried. I do trust you and thats why I’m standing back and observing. I never once said you should not be together, or that you should break up. Who am I to break you up? I would never say that, nor would I ever get in the way of your happiness. I have always been supportive of you. It was an opinion, and never me saying breakup. You know how I would be if I truly disapproved of a guy. I would go out my way to REALLY talk to you. You know how I was when we disapproved of a guy for a friend. My energy then was different. My energy now is just me being concerned over the things I wouldn’t want you to go through. I wanted to trust and that’s why I never bothered to bring it up all the time because like I said, I’m here to observe. I’ve said how I felt, and I still have trust issues with it not going to lie - but I am here. I want you to be happy too. So, tell me why this has been brought up? Have I said anything that indicates I wanted you to break up with him? Because this is sudden. I thought it has been cleared up genuinely. What went wrong? I want to know so I can fix it. I love you, and I would never get in the way of your happiness. I hope you know that. But I am genuinely confused as to how it got to where it is. I understand my opinion is so important to you, but like I said, don’t let my opinion get in your way. I will always be here to support you in anything you do. I have shared how important you are to me, and would never want to see you get hurt. Just know that I will always want what’s best for you. You are my ride or die - and I genuinely want you to have everything you deserve. Snow knows how I feel about you, and I’m always telling him how important you are to me - and even though I don’t always express that to you, just know that I will always love you. So please get back to me. I have already messaged you but you have not replied. I would like to talk about this face to face, because I think this is important. I did not expect for this to hurt you like this. I’m sorry for hurting you. If you need time, I am always here, but please help me understand this situation too. I don’t think I’ve been saying anything else about your significant other recently. I just want to know what I did so we can talk about it. I am genuinely lost.

[thvnderclovds]

Keeping his birthday letter here. 3/12/21. I love u.

[thvnderclovds]

You’re so different

This will hurt the most.

[thvnderclovds]

Dear You,

I don’t know where to start, but I hope you know when our friendship fell apart. I know you may think I overshare my stories, and I seem narcissistic for it but if I remember correctly, I was never one to share about problems in highschool. If anything, no one knew me. Everyone saw me as the girl who never had problems. Never went through anything. Nobody knew whether or not I was going through a rough time. The first time all of you saw me cry was on that basketball night by the garden. I held all of my emotions and problems in, that I had to break that one night. I went through a lot, and nobody knew about it. I felt so alone, but I was so used to it that I never even bothered to tell anyone anything. That night, I felt vulnerable and I felt uneasy about whether or not I open up. None of you know why I really cried that night up until this day. I remember everyone telling me that I should start opening up, but now that I have opened up, it seems like I still can’t please anyone because it seems like I overshare. I have worked hard on finally letting everything out, only for you to see me as someone who is ‘self-centered’. I’m sorry if it felt that way to you, but when I open up, I open up. I was never one to open up to people individually. I’m not usually the type to open up to only one person through the socials. I always seem to struggle to open up in real life even - but somehow being in groups gives me the confidence to always open my mouth and say something. I know that I concerned a lot of you in highschool, just because I never opened up. And I wanted to change that. I changed myself so none of you would ever have to worry - that none of you would feel untrustworthy. I remember how betrayed Pauline was when she found out I was going through something. And in the years we have known each other, not once did I show her my vulnerability. It hit me when she called herself a useless friend - and that’s when I began to really consider opening up to everyone. I decided against my selfishness of keeping my secrets and problems all to my self. But this is where I was also wrong for trusting everyone.

Camille, I don’t know if you recall but I would like to really point out specifically where it all began. Where you had lost my trust, where you hurt me most, and where you really lost me. It was always me, you and Khweny. Maybe I was a little M.I.A because I still struggled to really trust and be around people so much, and because of the fact that both of you were already bestfriends - but we’ve always been together. Because of this, I thought I could trust DKC with all my heart. I opened up about my thoughts. 2016-2018 was probably one of my toughest years. I had thoughts I didn’t want to entertain no matter what - but they got stronger each time. I had to open up about it. I wrote a letter about it too. All of it was a mistake. I really thought I could trust you. This is the night I regret most. Not only did I lose you as a friend, but I lost my relationship with my family. I was already trying to build a better relationship with my family, but somehow, I still end up losing it. I never knew trusting you would really make an impact on my relationship with my family. I knew sooner or later I would have to face my reality and open up to my family, but instead I went to my friends thinking I needed to say it to you guys before my own family. I felt like it was a better option. It wasn’t. I had no idea the words that came out from mouth would soon come out from my Mom. I had no idea my secret was for everyone to share. I had no idea I would lose everything all because of a secret. It hurt being confronted by my Mom. It hurt to hear her say those words I feared most. I don’t think you even understood just how much it hurt to hear her say those words. What hurt most was you telling me it wasn’t a big deal. That you were concerned about me which was why you decided to tell your family. I trusted both you and Khweny to keep it a secret. I was wrong for trusting you. You had no right to tell anyone anything. I chose you and her to keep it quiet, but you chose to take advantage. You chose to make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal, like I shouldn’t over-react. Let me tell you this. My mom thinks she lacks as a mother because of that secret. I can no longer cry in front of my mom when there is a laptop near me - she will only think I’m writing letters again. She’s constantly paranoid, thinking that I may be thinking thoughts again. I can not express my feelings in front of her. It ruined the way she looked at me. It ruined the way I looked at myself. I always felt the guilt everytime I was around your family. In the back of my head, I’m always constantly thinking ‘they know’. In the back of my head I’m constantly thinking of how overdramatic I am for even having those thoughts. I felt disgusted with myself for the longest time. It affected my relationship with my family, and with you. I lost all of my trust. I used to talk so comfortably about my problems with you one on one - but since it happened, I think you can feel just how much I’ve distanced myself from opening up to you. It may not seem like a big deal to you then, but even now I still feel like it has done enough for me to really break.I lost my confidence. I lost the bond I once had with my family. There’s a barrier. It’s a lot harder for me to talk to them without feeling the guilt. It will always be in the back of my mind. I am constantly reminded that I can’t express my feelings in-front of my Mom anymore. I now have to lie and say that I’m crying over a Facebook video, or an anime - or Netflix. I can no longer say I’m not okay, because I know deep down, that if I say so, my Mom will think I’m trying to kill myself. I don’t know how to express my feelings at home anymore. It used to be the most comfortable and safe place to be when I’m down - now I can’t express in my own room. I have to let things in. I overshare now because I can’t share my saddest times at home. I overshare now because I’m constantly just trying to remind myself that I have to share something or else I’m too mysterious again. I overshare my stories without sharing what’s really going on to distract the fact that I really do have problems deep down - because I’m too afraid to show vulnerability. I overshare because it’s the only thing I can share anymore. I can only show the surface, but not what’s down under. I’m too afraid that if I share about what really goes on, it might break me. I won’t lie, it caused me trauma. I’ve always trusted the wrong people, and I never knew you would be one of them. It hurt to think that one of my bestfriends would become one, but I had to face the reality somehow.

Overtime I tried to trust you again, only to find out it has happened again. I found out through Gampi. I had no idea you were telling my life stories with him. I don’t recall sharing my life-stories with Gampi, but somehow he managed to confidently tell me everything one by one whilst Runa was genuinely confused. I don’t mean to make you feel bad, but that night - I genuinely saw the difference between my friendship with you, and my friendship with Khweny. It hurt to hear Gampi recall everything out perfectly in detail. I was lost and I was confused as to why my stories had to be shared with everyone. I never once told any of my previous lovers about your life explicitly. I would only just mention what is on the surface. Who your current lover was, and where you met. I never once told them about your personal problems with your lovers, nor did I mention anything to make your lovers look bad - nor did I talk about any of your deepest secrets or life stories. I ensured to only mention the good each and everyone of them had so they wouldn’t have to look at them any differently. Those negative problems are for you to share, not mine. I would never share anything that would change the way people look at a person. It turns out that you couldn’t do the same for me. That hurt me the most. I knew I couldn’t trust you again.

That is probably why you feel like I’m not trying to be there for you. I don’t reach out to you quite a lot, but if anything, I do reach out to others to ask if you were alright. You lost my trust, but you never lost my love for you. I still cared about you. I was overprotective behind your back, always trying to do work behind your back. I’ve always been overprotective, and I know that you know how I am when it comes to protecting people. I come off strong, and I come off as someone who is just trying to fight. But when have I ever been wrong about a person? I was often viewed as the bad guy, but who was really wrong about Claire, Zero, Sakuragi and the other people who ended up showing their true colours in the end? I try to do something before it hurts any of you. I’ve always wanted to be there for both you and Khweny, but could never bring myself to message you anymore. That rope you and I once had, broke. But that does not mean I no longer care about you, because I do - and even up until this day I would not want you to get hurt. I know you’re happy, and I know you want to trust this guy. But know that I was once in your position.

I don’t think you understand just how traumatising it was for me. Up until this day, I don’t know if Marce is really who he says he is. I will never know - but what I do know was that I fucked myself over someone who said they loved me but couldn’t sacrifice enough to keep me. I chose him over me. I didn’t know my worth. I didn’t know I was lowering my standards all for the sake of his so called love. I was asking for bare minimum and still got lied to in turn. It hurts to think that you’ve already been lied to by Gampi and Obet - and yet again, here you are putting yourseslf in the same situation you were in. You may not see the red flags, trust me, it doesn’t hit you until one actually shows up. I ignored signs, maybe because I was stubborn and blinded. Maybe because I loved him too much. I was lying to myself. I loved who he said he was. I’d be stupid to say I loved him, because honestly, I still don’t think he is who he says he is. I endured 8 more months with Marce despite the lies. I had seen signs at 7 months already, but I chose to ignore them. When the first red flag hits, you lose yourself. Slowly, you lose everything else too once other red flags start to appear. Trust me, it felt like shit. I felt worthless, but like I said, that didn’t matter to me because I loved him. I thought he loved me. But what I realise from the next guys who did love me, was that they have proven their love for me. They gave actions, not words. They may have made bad decisions in the end, but every single one of them proved their love for me. I realise now that Marce may not have actually loved me, but actually only loved the idea of me - the idea of having someone like me; someone who gave him enough attention, enough love to make him feel good, to satisfy what he lacked and never had from anyone else. I filled that void for him. I did the most only to lose myself in the process. It took me awhile to finally learn just how much I’m really worth. It took me awhile to really realise I was never in the wrong for the way I acted towards him when he started lying. A girl would never act up unless she was given a reason to. He gave me every reason to bring out the worst in me. Trust me when I say you do not want someone to bring out the worst in you - because after the breakup, you will blame yourself. You will question your worth - you will question whether or not someone else out there will love you again. But at the end of the day, there will always be someone who will try to love you. There will always be someone else. I was afraid that Marce was the only one who will love me. The only one who could give me the love I wanted - I was wrong. There were so many guys who did better. Love I deserved. They may have done me wrong, but boy did they love me the way Marce should’ve. I can’t invalidate Marce’s efforts, but I can invalidate his love for me. They were never real. He couldn’t keep me, and that was his choice. He knows it too - because if he didn’t, he would never have asked for forgiveness. He would never have come back to rekindle whatever friendship we had left. He knew he fucked up. He knew he could’ve done better, but he was too late. I hope you know that you should never have to beg someone for their love. As much as I hate to say this, I really can not trust Ethan. The things he says and the things he does to you only reminds me of how Marce was with me. I see myself in you. I experienced everything. I know you want to trust him, but please know that if he truly loved  you - his trauma or reasons should never hold him back, his love for you should always be the priority. His love for you should overshadow whatever fear he has. Proving you wrong may not be easy, but loving you should be. If he’s afraid to lose you, he will do whatever he can to keep you. I’ve only just learnt that now. I see what real love is like. I see how genuine Neil has been with me. I see how different his love is for me. I love myself more when I’m with him. You should love yourself more when you’re with Ethan, but I see that you struggle to do so too. I see that you are constantly fighting your demons when it comes to Ethan. I know you say he makes you happy, but that is just a temporary feeling. The pain that comes when you lose yourself over a man is a feeling that will be permanent. That’s why I have been too uneasy of love. I have lost trust in love. I still am hesitant when it comes to love - because the pain I felt will always be there. It will always haunt me. I do not want you to think I don’t want you to be happy, because I do. I believe you deserve that. I also believe that you deserve better. A man should never be contended with just phonecalls and texts. You already have distance keeping you apart, and the only way to get closer is to see each other through the camera. It’s where you can both see expressions - it’s where you both fall in love with each other more. It’s where you see the real them. It hurts to think that you allow his words to get to you. I know love is all about trust. Actions do speak louder than words. He’s the one courting you. He’s the one who wanted to be with you, he’s the one who initiated your relationship - he knows what he’s doing. If he wasn’t ready to be vulnerable and sacrifice what he has for his lover, what was the point in him looking for love if he was never going to do the most to keep them? He was looking for love, looking for an interest - which was why he came to you. He knew what he was getting into. He’s already twenty-five, he should know better what to sacrifice. He should know that love is all about sacrifice. You’re already sacrificing your trust and your friends for him, but what has he sacrificed to give you worth more than the trust and your friendship you have with us? He knows what you’re losing to keep him, but what is he losing to keep you? Look for yourself & I hope you will find the answers. Khweny and I will be fine. We have done what we could to keep you safe, to ensure you’re away from heartbreak - but what else can we do when you’re already set with what you want. We’re aware we can’t do much, and this is where we let you find answers for yourself. I hope you find it, and I hope it’s worth what you’re going through. I hope Khweny and I were wrong all along, and I wish you nothing but the best. Always remember to never settle for empty words and empty promises. Settle for what you deserve. Never beg for the love you deserve - it should be given to you without hesitation. I know you can achieve many things, so go do your best. Only you know what’s right for you. Take care.

[thvnderclovds]

Dear J,

I know things have been extremely tough for you, and it saddens me to think that you had to go through so much and still have the will to help others out. I don’t know how you managed to stay strong after all the pain you went through just to make people happy, but I am extremely proud of where you are at right now. I am proud to call you my bestfriend. I am proud to have known you this long, and I hope you stay the way you are - if not stronger than ever. You don’t deserve what has been thrown at you, but whatever it is you’re going through - I hope you know I will always be here to listen to you. I will always be here to ensure you’re okay - here for you whenever. You have been the most reliable and most trustworthy friend I know - and even though I have many friends, I don’t trust everyone. I only trust you. Your reliability and loyalty as my bestfriend helped my lovers approach you - they trust you too. It’s always been you. I can not thank you enough for what you have done for me all these years. You have stuck by my side no matter how bad I got - even if you’re also struggling yourself, you’re there. You never once left my side, nor did you ever make me question our friendship. I have always been so grateful to have you as a friend, and all of the lovers I have been with know just how extremely amazing you are. You are worth so much more, and I hope you see that too. I hope you see just how valuable you are. You honestly mean a lot to me. I would never want to lose a friend like you. You have always shown me what good friendship looks and feels like. I know I could trust you the moment your previous lover mentioned he didn’t know about my past lovers - he seemed genuinely confused. You keep my secrets hidden, even to your lovers - you keep them to yourself. I can’t thank you enough for not sharing my story. I can’t thank you enough for respecting my privacy and me in general. I never once felt disrespected by you. You have made me feel like I am deserving of love - any kind of love. You have made me feel so loved and so important. You have never done me wrong and I can’t explain just how much that means to me. I’ve had many failed relationships and friendships where they betray my trust - where they betray my friendship in general; but you were the only one who has been there to support me and guide me through every single failed relationship/friendship I’ve had. You were never on the other end - you were always by my side, ensuring I am okay. I don’t think you understand just how good of a friend you are. No words could ever describe just how much I appreciate you. I can not imagine my life not having you as a friend, and I genuinely mean that. I can not imagine a life where you’re not there. I wouldn’t be where I am right now, if it weren’t for you. Sure, I’ve picked myself up, but your support and your loyalty as a friend really made an impact in my life. You made an impact. You have made a difference. You are very important to me. I don’t think you know exactly just how much you’ve done for me, but I hope that I have made you feel appreciated too. I hope you know just how much I love you. I am forever thankful to have known you, to have been your friend - to even be a part of your life - I don’t deserve it, but here I am today. I can not thank you enough. I’ve said that so many times, but I genuinely don’t know how I could ever repay you. You were my rock. You were my guardian angel - it seems like a lie, but it isn’t. Every single broken state I was in, you were there. You never once made me feel like a burden - despite just how dependent I have been; you never once complained. You never once showed signs you never wanted to be a part of my life, or my problems. This is why I am writing to you. Whether or not you end up reading this, I want you to know just how much I love you. Just how much you have made my life a bit better, and a lot more loving. I am never the type to open up to anyone, but somehow I can always easily open up to you. You never make me feel like I’m being judged - like I’m overly dramatic; like my problems don’t matter, like I don’t matter. In fact, you have made me feel the opposite. You have made me feel like I deserve the world. I don’t deserve the world. You do. You have been so life-changing to me. I could never thank you enough. I love you always. 

[thvnderclovds]

I know the other guys have talked to my bestfriend about problems too - but not once did they talk about me like this. You pull me closer each time and I don’t know how to feel. You’re doing everything so right. 

[thvnderclovds]

I can’t even be emotional around my parents because they’re going to think the blame is on them again.

You really had no right to do what you did, I can’t forgive you.

[thvnderclovds]

Realisation

You know what’s stupid -- is that this whole time, for the last couple of years I’ve known you -- I actually believed that you were right about the fact that I over-reacted. I noticed that you’re in my shoes now, and if I did what you did to me, you wouldn’t be saying the same things you told me. You would feel how I felt about you when you did me like that. It was never your right to do that, it was never in your position to do me wrong. I know you have been nothing but a good friend to me, but you have lost every trust I have left of you. You may think I’m distant now more than ever, but I’m not being distant at all. I’m more cautious of my actions and words. I can no longer say or do things without thinking about it when you’re around. I always have to remind myself and keep what happened between us in back of my mind. It will always linger, and it will always stay there. Someone will look at me differently now because of what you did -- they think they lack. They now think they’re incapable, and that they were never fully there for me. It was never their fault though, but the fact that it didn’t come out of my own mouth was what made it worse. They will never look at me the same because of it. They will still feel the pain. I hurt someone because of it. I did not mean for any of it to happen, I just happen to trust the wrong person. I just thought I could trust you. It turns out... I can’t.

[thvnderclovds]

Thank you for letting me go. You were the one thing I never thought I didn’t need. Wish you all the best.

[thvnderclovds]

You are the father of the year

I love my own father, as much as I love the rest of my family. Though, I can not help but credit you for your hardworking job as both a father and as a provider for your family. I mean no disrespect, but I am upset that you do things alone. You are both the father and the mother in the household -- to top it off, none of your children provide support to help you. I am sick and tired of listening to my parents say they worry so much about you, because all you do is work your ass off everyday, working three jobs. To think that you have to feed and provide for five human beings, and even though one is away, you still go out your way to treat them. Honestly, I don’t mind the child who is away (because they don’t even have a job), but for your oldest, they should already be helping you provide for everyone else. I don’t mean to criticise, but one has already graduated, started their career. The least your children could do is help you out, but not one of them ever thinks about you. They only think about themselves, and that honestly angers me, as much as I love them, I can not bear the thought of you doing everything. You do the laundry, you clean up everyone’s mess, you do all the house chores, drop your youngest and pick them up -- not to mention, your wife does not drive either, so it doesn’t help that you drive her off to work too and pick her up, even though you have so much in your hands. I pray that God will look after you, you deserve a holiday. You deserve to be credited for the work that you are doing. I see how much you love your family alot, but be careful -- love yourself too. Don’t forget to treat yourself, because you have been so good to your family. You deserve a lot. I mean that.

Happy father’s day to you.

[thvnderclovds]

I didn’t know your departure from my life was something I needed to find myself again.

[thvnderclovds]

Isn’t it scary -- how I could’ve been depressed last year? I might not have been aware of it, because I’m not educated enough to fully understand depression. I might have gone through depression without acknowledging it. I admit, I was at a very low point in my life. I was lost, unsure of my life and purpose. I was not in the right state of mind, but I am certain I was not suicidal. I had no intention of giving my life up for the sake of my uncertainty of my purpose. What I am certain of, is that I have been suicidal in the past. I was not strong enough to handle being a burden, not strong enough to accept criticism. I do not think I was depressed, maybe just suicidal in the past -- or maybe I was depressed. I have felt alone, even though I was loved and I still am loved by my family and friends. My mind was incapable of allowing positivity to take lead. Instead, I was surrounded by thoughts that were negative. I have always been seen as the happy pill, a happy person -- with no problems. I can admit, I don’t have the biggest problems, and yet, the problems that I deal with are all in my head. I know I want a big future. I want a future where I am happy, where I travel and settle down. I want to have a life where I am doing the things I love, and being with the people I love. I do not see myself without a future, which is why I haven’t given up. I have dreams and aspirations for myself, and I want to be able to achieve them. For the last couple of months, I have been getting better. Slightly gaining my weight back, and obviously going out more. I was completely in isolation last year. I had no motivation to go out, no motivation to do anything productive. I was always in bed, always on the phone with him. I want to be able to grow out of my habit of being in bed always, and focus on living my life more by achieving more things and being out with the people I love. I have been happier, I have been able to do things that make me laugh and make me happy -- things that allow me to disregard any negative thoughts, and replace them with good memories. Yes, I am still hurting. I was taken advantage of by the person I trusted the most. I was able to talk EVERYTHING about my life, and I was there for them through EVERYTHING they went through. I went my way to lend $300 because I knew they needed it more than I did, and I trusted them with all my life, only for them to betray me and replace me so easily with people that have betrayed him before. Regardless, I can breathe now. I may not have gotten the apology I have been looking for, but I found people who valued my worth, and to me that is reassuring. It hurts less. I can say that I have definitely grown slightly as a person, and I never knew this was what I needed. I never knew ending a chapter and creating a new one would be the answer. I always relied too much on the one chapter, and never moved on until now. I am glad I have found a little more of myself. I am getting there. Just you watch.

[thvnderclovds]

Sometimes, it’s annoying

This makes me sound so shallow and so immature, but I am sick of looking after kids who treat my sister in an unpleasant way. For example, my sister’s friend just got new shoes and she begged and cried to her mother so she could get a new one. The fact that she is already so spoiled, so stubborn and wants everything her way is already so annoying. I don’t remember my sister being like that at her age, because quite frankly, my sister is respectable in other people’s homes. I don’t understand why some kids aren’t raised to act a certain way when they’re at someone else’s house. My sister has to clean up after your mess, even when she asked you for help — you never say yes. When she comes over to your place, she helps you clean up. You never allow her to use your computer at home but expect my sister to allow you to use her ipad? Sis, no. Samokan lang jud kaayo. You even blocked my sister and made her cry, just because things didn’t go your way and when your group of friends thought you were being unreasonable, suddenly its a prank and everything is okay? I have never been so mentally frustrated over a child in my life. Magabaan jud ko ani, but this child needs so much guidance. Wow lang. I’m probably too overprotective, but you don’t have respect for anyone at all. Even the adults. Information goes through one ear to the other. HAIST.

[thvnderclovds]

To forget

I know it’s bad to want to forget. I don’t want to forget completely. By forgetting, I meant ‘to not be reminded’. Of us. Of you. I wish it was easy to explain how I feel about this ‘forgetting’ idea, but I wish you didn’t have connections to my friends or my sister. Feels kind of unfair how you can keep tabs, and I can’t. The only way I could ever keep tabs is by asking my friends to ask you how you are. I wish you didn’t have the upperhand. You never introduced me to your friends, while I introduced you to mine -- and even more. Because you met my sister. She got involved, somehow. I wish she was never involved. It was one of my honest mistakes, but it couldn’t be helped eitherway. I wish it was easy to tell my friends to cut off their connection with you, but I know it’s hard for them. I don’t believe we both need to talk to each other again, and I know they’ve both been meaning to get us to talk again, but to be honest, how we are now isn’t too bad, and I don’t think we even have words for each other.  I know we don’t always get what we want, and I’m fine with that. Just felt the need to let this out anyway.

[thvnderclovds]

Forgiveness

Colossians 3:13

13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Forgiveness. A meaningful word. A difficult action. What you did will always be a misery, but what you did saved me. I may not know the real truth as to why you left and betrayed our friendship, but I think you knew I was breaking. I may have needed support, but you knew you weren’t the support I needed. You knew you were hurting me, and I was constantly hurting myself. I was angry because I was there at your worst, expected you to do the same for me, but you didn’t. I expected you to be strong enough to withstand everything, but now I think I understand. If you stayed, we would fight more, and I would cry more. You were going to be the reason for those tears that fall down to my cheeks. Yes, I still cried eitherway. I cried because it hurt when you left. It hurt because I trusted you to be there for me. To support me. I was selfish. I knew you had a lot of things going on and I knew we were bad for each other. I just expected you to be at my worst. It was one of the things I held on to. That’s why it hurt. I didn’t understand then, and I may still not understand everything. But I hope my assumptions are right. That you didn’t mean to hurt me. That it was for our own good. It’s true. I have been more social -- met new people, AMAZING people. I was able to go out with my friends more often. I enjoyed the world outside. I was smiling again and there were people who supported me, ensured I was back to myself again. I became healthier than I was when I got sick. If you didn’t leave, I would’ve stayed more at home, sulked in bed, unhealthy and underweight. I heard you weren’t doing too bad yourself, you’re finishing up at school. I remember you saying you were graduating around this time, and I genuinely wish you the best. I wish you the happiness and success you deserve, even if it meant taking me out of the picture. We both deserve to realise things and succeed obstacles without each other. We needed to grow. I’m thankful for the many memories we shared together, I will cherish them forever. I may still get hurt over what happened, but just know I will no longer be angry. I have forgiven you. But forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean we  can be friends again. It doesn’t necessarily mean I have to talk to you. I want us to grow in silence, to overcome everything in silence. Maybe in another life we will meet again, but in this life, I don’t think I could trust you again. That doesn’t mean I won’t allow us to be friends again, it just means things won’t be the same. Trust won’t be present. I think we can do it. I think we can still be supportive of each other in silence. We’ll make it through. You’ve always been so hardworking, so I know God has your back like has mine. Stay very prayerful like I taught you. Stay open, and don’t be afraid to let people in. You’re not alone.

Just know that.