tidytornado - Tumblr blog

[tidytornado]

Expectation feeds frustration

I was pregnant when he criticized me for being boring. I was exhausted all the time and I could barely keep my food down. He was upset we could not head out together to have fun.

We arranged for my mother to take care of me for the most part of my maternity leave as his mother was scheduled to undergo foot surgery. It meant that we had to move, but it was only a temporary arrangement. He absolutely hated the idea but he agreed to go along with the plan. For me to focus on recovery, he said. Since my mother had plans to cook for me, I need not order any confinement food to be delivered.

Right after our daughter (M) was born, he consistently failed to wake up at night to feed M and change her diapers. He did not take the initiative to do basic chores, including laundry and washing of milk bottles. It was coming to the end of Ramadan and he said he was lethargic. I had to be patient.

I was relieved when we finally moved to my mother's place. I was finally able to have help, but he was unhappy. Frustrated. Angry, even. He would not stop lamenting that the Angels could not keep M safe because we were in an unfamiliar place. His words bothered me greatly. I was distraught. I caved in. We moved back to his mother's place and I cried hard for days. I was not able to eat well.

My perineal stitches did not heal as quickly as I'd wanted. I was in pain and I felt disgusted with myself for feeling so helpless. It took months for the pain and discomfort to go away completely. I was tired, but I could also feel anger brewing from deep within me.

M was a colicky baby and her nose was constantly blocked - as night fell, these symptoms would worsen. Her respiratory problems made it difficult for her to sleep and consume her night feeds with ease. We visited A&E often in the middle of the night because she would cry till she turned purple. One time, I caught him attempting to mix adult cough syrup into her milk feed. My anger grew, and grew.

He could have done his Remedial Training (RT) before M was born but he chose not to. Day after day, night after night, he would leave me at home with M and his mother, who was still recovering from her foot surgery. He eventually completed his RT. He was proud of his achievement.

Ironically, he could barely handle M even with his mother at home when I returned to work. He would call me on the phone and pressure me to leave work early just to rush home to care for M. He asked me to quit my job but I did not comply because I knew it was unfair.

I forked out money for my own maternity insurance. I pay for M's insurance premiums out of my own pocket to ensure she gets sufficient coverage for basic hospitalization, common childhood illnesses and accidents. On the other hand, he talks all the time about wanting to purchase a new motorcycle. It is evident that our priorities are different.

Just the other day, I caught him putting M's used teether back in the fridge without washing it. The teether which she chewed on, played with and left on the floor - he picked it up and popped it back in the fridge immediately, as if he had done it a hundred times before.

The past cannot be altered but I will never be able to forget the sadness and pain he put me through. He shot me down when I was at my weakest point and now I am crawling. I no longer feel secure with him and our future together does not seem promising. I am unable to forgive

[tidytornado]

An endless loop

They will tell you to shut the doors and windows, draw the curtains close, switch on the lights and tune in to Azan on the radio at Maghrib or else Shaytaan will disturb your newborn, but when they are down with a cough, fever, flu and/or runny nose, they are quick to (offer to) carry and kiss your baby girl.

They will remind you firmly to perform your Salah and Doa for good health for yourself and for your sweet daughter, but when drinking water kept turning cloudy repeatedly, they do not actively seek ways to eliminate the root of the problem but instead leave the contaminated contents in the dispenser for days at a time.

They will declare their utmost respect towards the religious beliefs of the other party but when views clash under certain circumstances, they do not hesitate to claim that they know best, and that you are causing spiritual harm to your child.

You are advised to Tawakkul, have Redha and Sabr so you stay in your own lane and try to ride out the storm only to end up experiencing the same issues over and over again.

Yes, no one is perfect and we are all flawed beings; so this is a sharp reminder to myself that just because someone is superficially religious and supposedly trustworthy does not mean the same person consciously has good intentions.

Sometimes the people closest to you can end up doing you more harm than good, both spiritually and mentally.

[tidytornado]

The sands of time

In 2018, I..

1. Sold off my bike and wiped out my savings to pay off the remaining balance of my education loan ($1X,XXX).

2. Got married.

3. Moved from the East side of the island to the West, which meant that on a typical work day, I'd be spending no less than three hours travelling to-and-fro my office.

4. Became a mother-to-be (EDD mid-2019).

5. Just could not see the bright side of things for a long, long period. Although deep down inside I knew I had so much to be grateful for, every single day still felt like a living hell to me.

This new year I aim to come to terms with the fact that my job scope is and will always be toxic; that some problems will never be fully addressed and that it is downright impossible for me to please everyone I interact with at work. And because I have also neglected my health for the most part of 2018, I hope to at least have the discipline to drink plenty of water daily to keep myself hydrated.

I do not have an impressive list of goals I wish to achieve in 2019 but I do pray that I will one day feel content with how far I have come.

[tidytornado]

Inside out

Do not listen to the man who criticizes your love for body ink in the name of religion yet he ironically follows Instagram accounts of heavily tattooed women. You do not live for him.

Do not listen to the man who constantly lectures you for showing too much skin while his Instagram feed offers an infinite scroll of images of gorgeous, half-naked women. You are more than you think you are.

Do not listen to the man who tells you he is exhausted from the day's events, yet he is wide-awake in the middle of the night to engage in a 3-hour video call on Skype with a close, female "friend" from halfway across the world. You deserve nothing but the truth.

Do not listen to the man who chronically messages other ladies in a playful manner yet he often claims he only has eyes for you. You do not have to waste your time and energy on things that do not matter.

Do not listen to the man who finds fault with your temporarily, unstable career path when out of goodwill you have voluntarily lent him some cash in the past to tide through financial storms.

You, my dear, who is now weary from being too kind, I hope you will heal and eventually let your sadness go.

Instead, listen to the man who hustles hard at work in order to build a better life with you.

Listen closely to the man who is humble and honest with his mistakes. Be fair to him and make peace with your painful past.

Listen to the man who tells you he loves you and really means it. Observe his actions. Search deep within your soul. You will know it when it is true.

Love changes and you just have to believe that it is always for the greater good.

[tidytornado]

A scrape with death

I am a relatively new owner of a secondhand 200CC Supermotard which has since been modified to suit my physique; albeit my toes can (still) barely touch the ground when I am seated on the motorbike. Recently an accident involving two other vehicles has left me with a hairline fracture in my right toe, as well as lacerations, abrasions and bruises on mostly my feet and arms. Of course, the crucial thing here is that I am alive and well on the road to recovery, but one notion that has stuck in my mind is that I could have died that day.

Am I afraid to ride again? I always see myself as a natural-born scaredy-cat so my answer is: yes. Will I ever stop riding? I think I might quit riding in the future but for now.. I am blessed with the luxury of youth so I would really like to take good advantage of it.

By Allah's will, I have been given a second chance at life. To say I am grateful for this is an understatement.

[tidytornado]

To the one who almost got away

I love you.

Even when you are fuming mad with steam exuding from your ears and the top of your head, I still think that you are the most attractive person on earth. I know that you care about me greatly, which is why I try my best not to sulk and behave like a little bitch whenever we fail to see eye to eye on certain issues. I am only but an imperfect creation so I hope you will be patient while I strive to be a better partner for you.

I absolutely adore the way you look as you cruise down the expressway on your Honda CB400 Super 4. You are such a precious being and I secretly pray that no one will ever marvel at you the way I do. We may have been together for quite a while now but every day I still wake up feeling thankful that you are mine to hold. Sometimes you keep doing the same old things that annoy me: like over revving my MLE XTM-R 200 simply because the engine sound brings pleasure to your ears, or starting a road race with a random rider or an asshole driver all in the name of fun. Ultimately, these are the little things that define you as an individual, and if I dare claim that I love you, it means that I have to be willing to accept the parts of you that get under my skin.

I love that you know how to whip up sumptuous meals because no man is more charismatic than one who knows how to treat his tummy right. You are, much to my exasperation, a real fussy eater too. But to be fair, I eat a shit ton for someone who is terrible at cooking. This is going to be a challenge for me, but I vow to learn how to prepare yummy food that satisfies your taste buds because seeing you happy makes me insanely happy as well.

I also cherish the times I hear you snore. I hope you know that I am deeply in love with you even though the walls would shake under your deafening snore each time you slip into slumberland. It comforts me immensely to know that you are safe and sound beside me. I make weird noises and movements in my sleep too. So I pray that Allah will always grant us Sabr such that our sleeping habits will never put a strain on our relationship as a couple.

To the one who almost got away, thank you for choosing to stay with me when your senses were urging you to drop everything and leave. Thank you for giving me the chance to sink into the warmth of your embrace again.

I love you and I hope you love me too.

[tidytornado]

Dead and buried

Tonight I crave for a warm hug. From you. Alone. Tonight I need you to remind me that you love me. And that it is only me that you love. Tonight I feel a little crazy and clingy. But aren't we all a little quirky inside? Tonight I feel a little lonely. But the truth is I don't need you to survive.

[tidytornado]

Booby trap

A lump in my left breast seems to have expanded in size over the past couple of years and it is starting to concern me since my paternal grandmother passed away from breast cancer. So I have gotten an ultrasound scan as well as a core needle biopsy done at a restructured hospital earlier this month, and the results have revealed the presence of an intraductal papilloma, which is commonly identified as a benign tumor that grows in the milk ducts near the nipple.

Papillary cancer accounts for less than 1% of all cancerous breast conditions, but I have decided to undergo an excisional biopsy with general anesthesia in mid-July, just for peace of mind.

While it is a little frustrating I am required to put some plans on hold, I am also deeply moved by all the love and support that have been shown by my partner, family and friends during this fairly difficult time.

Life is truly strange and unpredictable. One moment I may be obsessed about dying and the next moment I am all about living life to the fullest. Lately I have been trying to see things in a more positive light, and as I am typing this, I want to note that I am not burdened by any noxious thoughts.

Right now, I am alive and breathing, and that's really all that matters.

[tidytornado]

Chasing dreams

Many people may label me as a snob when meeting me for the first time. I have also been described as aloof, cold, impassive and uncompassionate just because I seldom display emotions publicly.

The truth is I struggle a lot with anxiety and I have major confidence issues, which makes it difficult for me to open up to people and move conversations beyond the surface level. I am absolutely intimidated by people whom I believe are more capable and/or talented than I am. The act of comparing has become a habitual behaviour of mine and it does not make things easier for me - I feel like shit all the time.

In trying to deal with my low self-esteem, I try to remind myself regularly that every single one of us has different learning curves. Excessively comparing myself to others can lead to self-destruction. When done in moderation, however, it can instead become a valuable source of motivation for me to realize my goals.

Maybe I will never be deemed as the epitome of success in society's eyes because of the personal issues I face, but I will always hope for enough courage to continue doing the things that bring me joy.

[tidytornado]

The reality of love

Today I found out that there's a thin line of uncertainty between the two of us. I had a gut feeling something was wrong a couple of days back but I decided to turn a blind eye and brush off all traces of scepticism. I simply did not want to assume.

Apparently he feared the blunder he committed would infuriate me, but as cliché as it could get, it was his refusal to be truthful about his mistake that got me feeling entirely disappointed with him. I started to wonder if he really trusted me. Do I really trust him too?

Que será, será.

I need to believe that Allah has great plans for me and for the two of us. I shall remain hopeful.