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Today, I fucked up by calling a locksmith when I was "locked out" of my car.

I’ll preface this by saying I’m usually not a stupid man but I was at the end of my third 16 hour shift in a row and I was very tired. I’ll make this quick:

I got off work, went out to my car, hit the button for the doors on my remote unlocker – as usual. Nothing happened. I tried it a few more times, battery must be dead. I stand there for 10 minutes, mashing the little button, hoping for enough juice to open the doors. Nada.

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Today, I f*cked up by falling for an optical illusion.

I decided to make a quick run to the bank today to deposit a check. I arrived and pulled into a parking space and put my car in park. I was looking down and reading a text on my phone when I suddenly noticed my car was rolling forward. I switched into full panic mode. The only thing separating me from the 40 mph traffic in front of me was a small patch of grass that I would be crossing at any moment now. I started pumping my brakes to no avail and decided my best bet now would be to warn the oncoming traffic. So I laid on my horn and began wrestling to get my seat belt off so I could bail out if needed.

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Today, I fucked up by showering with my wife.

Today my wife decided that it would be a nice idea to take a shower together. We do it all of the time and it is a nice way to kick start our night together after work.

It was a typical shower which consists of her using all of the water with me being left in the cold waiting for my turn in the warm water.

After a while she decided to forfeit the water and let me have my turn. I grabbed my body wash off the shelf and proceeded to drop it. This is where I fucked up.

I quickly bent down to grab it. I bent at the knees remembering that it’s bad for you to bend down to grab something only using your waist.

I was soon met with a painful sensation that I had never experienced before. The small push/ pull valve that changes the water from the faucet to the shower head penetrated my virgin ass.

The pain was unreal. The water changed from the shower head to the faucet. I shot up trying to get away from the metal knob that just violated me. Upon standing up the shower resumed.

I stood there in shock looking up at my wife. She witnessed the entire thing. She won’t stop laughing at me about it. It hurts to sit.

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Today, I fucked up by putting a John Cena plugin on my computer.

So this happened on Saturday. Awhile ago I downloaded this extension for chrome on my laptop that whenever you load a new webpage it has a 1/100 chance of going to a super loud John Cena video. I thought it was hilarious, and I rarely used my laptop for things other than porn and dank memes, so I quickly forget about it. 

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Today, I fucked up after having ice cold showers for a year.

Dear Tumblr, this year I fucked up…

So I moved to the UK almost a year ago, and I live in a beautiful, brand-new student accommodation. My only concern has been that the showers were 90% of the time ice cold, and almost never steamy hot.

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Today, I fucked up by teaching my Jr. High class how to drop a "That's what she said..." joke.

Ok, so this was a year ago, but since I am new to reddit I thought you’d all enjoy this.

I teach acting for a professional actor training program in theatre, and I had a class of Jr. High kids last year. So, one day I was teaching the concept of subtext, and that words can mean just about anything you want them to mean. Sometimes it’s not about WHAT you say but HOW you say it. To which a boy student replied: “You mean like innuendo?”

Me: “Not where I was going, but yes, just like innuendo.”

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Today, I f*cked up by trusting a "hot local single in my area" on a dating app.

Greatest/worst thing ever just happened to me, so buckle up folks..it’s story time:

Girl on a dating app tells me in the first few messages that I’m really cute (true) and interesting (also true) and asks me to meet her at 11:40 am for coffee at a random McDonald’s. When I ask if she’s a 45 year old man trying to harvest my organs, she proceeds to send me 15 pictures in a row that look like they’re straight from Facebook. Because that’s how you convince somebody you’re real (not true).

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Today, I fucked up by not investigating the moans coming from my car.

I work from 8am-5pm. After work I got in my car and spent a minute on my phone. During the short period I heard a single bizarre moaning noise. I thought for brief second it could have been an animal, and so I looked around the car and then under it before leaving on my ~15m drive home.

After another minute I heard the noise again. I pulled over, and inspected the inside and outside again. I convinced myself I was crazy or that it was my bluetooth device, and finished the drive home.

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Today, I fucked up by causing a school-wide panic.

Obligatory “this didn’t happen today” announcement. This happened several years ago while I was in high school.

My freshmen year of HS, I had a science class in the very back of the school that was two connecting rooms-one for notes/lectures and the other was a lab.

After our first test of the year, those who finished first were sent to the lab room so we wouldn’t have to sit silently. The lab had a bunch of breakfast bar type of tables, and each one had a gas line with a nozzle sticking out for the burners and stuff. The teacher told us not to worry about them since the gas had been cut off years ago due to low use.

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Today, I fucked up by accidentally selling my students thongs.

Okay obligatory this didn’t happen today. It happened during my first year of teaching. I’m a little nervous about posting it as it’s rather identifying, buuuuuut oh well. I actually kind of forgot it happened until I mentioned it to some co workers today and they thought it was hilarious…

So, my first year of teaching. I graduate school in December and start teaching in January. Around Valentine’s, a measly six weeks in, I decide to set up a classroom store where the kids can buy innocent little things with points for good behavior.

I go to the dollar store and collect a bunch of cheapo gifts. One of the things I find is some little lace roses, wrapped in plastic like a real single rose would be. No markings or tags on it at all, I swear. I think it’ll be cute since it’s around Valentine’s. I figure maybe some of the boys will want to purchase them for gifts and the girls will purchase because it’s cute. Whatever.

I buy about 25 and sell them all. The kids love the classroom store. At the very end of the day, a student walks in bawling her freaking eyes out. She says her mom told her she couldn’t keep the rose. Huh??? She says her mom got the same gift from her boyfriend and so she knows what it is and made her take it back. I’m not understanding AT ALL, until finally the girl pulls out the once-rose and presents a red lacy thong. I’m dumbstruck. I think, “oh SHIT.”

I swear to you the roses had no markings or labels. I take it to my co workers. They laugh their asses off and say I need to go to the principal. Principal isn’t mad but asks who I sold to. I say, I don’t remember them all… Some boys bought to give as gifts from other girls. She says I have to call to let the parents know. She also suggests I no longer do a classroom store.

That’s how I end up calling about 80 parents six weeks into teaching to let them know I accidentally sold their child thong underwear.

TIFU: Internet`s best fucked up stories are here.

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Today, I fucked up by cleaning my son's room.

I was cleaning my 6y.o. son’s room, and doing my annual purge of crap he’s managed to hoard. I have this big pile of stuff to throw out in the living room, when he comes in, pulls some stupid paper butterfly out of the trash pile and tells me I can’t throw this away because it was a present.

He goes to a lot of birthday parties and gets a lot of goodie bags with this sort of thing, so I tell him it’s junk and it’s going in the trash. Besides, it’s all bent up and I tell him (like a douche-dad) that if he values things he should take care of them.

He leaves, and some 5 minutes later he returns, visibly distraught (he’s clearly been thinking hard about this). He says “It was a present…for you.”

“For father’s day.”

I swear at that moment I heard every angel in heaven slow clapping.

TIFU: Internet`s best fucked up stories are here.

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Today, I fucked up by telling my son the wrong thing as I tucked him in.

This just happened. My 4yo son wanted me to carry him to bed. I obliged as I often do. Also often I tell him he’s getting so big that some day I won’t be able to carry him. But today was different. Inspired by one of the most memorable posts I’ve read here, as I laid him down I said “one day, unknown to either you or me I will put you down never to pick you up again.”

I thought it was going to go right past him like when I say he’s getting too big for me to carry. Instead, he looked at me from his bed, tears welling up in his eyes, and said in a quiet little voice, “Daddy, that’s so sad.”

I lost it.

We both wept for about an hour until I held his little hand as he fell asleep.

TIFU: Internet`s best fucked up stories are here.

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Today, I f*cked up by 'sucking' at my job.

A minor fuck up: I work in retail on the service desk, I have for five years. It’s just a casual job while I study, and the shop I work at is generally rather relaxed - not in terms of our workload, but the attitude of the place - so I tend to have reasonable banter with my co-workers and managers throughout the shift.

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Today, I f*cked up by how I glued my ass cheeks together.

So last night I was bored as fuck and I decided to get my wife’s waxing stuff and and try my luck at waxing my ass crack, because, let me tell you it’s a fucking jungle down there. I’ve never waxed before and I didn’t bother looking up how to do it because uh who tf needs directions.

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Today I F*cked Up by Attaching The Wrong Doccument

So I interviewed on monday for a full time counselor position at my local YMCA. The interview went well and afterwards he gave me three character reference forms for me to have filled out. So over the past week I scanned them into my computer, sent them out to a few teachers and previous co-workers and got them back with nice descriptions of my personality and professional skills. So this morning I sent my interviewer and e-mail thanking him for taking the time to meet with me and I attached scans of the three reference forms that I had saved to my computer.

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Today, I f*cked up by saying "I'm pregnant" for April 1st.

So the story goes… I’m male and I posted “I’m pregnant!” on my Facebook wall for April 1st and things spiraled out of control.

But first there are a few things you should know about me.

I’m 100% male, testicles penis and everything.

I have a GF that my family doesn’t like.

My family is extremely conservative.

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Today, I f*cked up by wanting to pet a cute doggy.

My doggy. So yes, I’m biased. Still:

It’s 630AM. I stumble downstairs to get my wife’s lunch together for school (shut up, she’s a teacher). And there’s Buster, his entire body whipsawing back and forth under the force of his tail-wagging joy at the reminder that I exist as an entity. He’s already been on a three-mile run with my wife that morning, but is he the slightest bit tired? Heavens no.

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