tikiluz

[tikiluz]

#tikiluz to ruin herself

holi.

i hate the feeling I get after I overeat. I hate the reasons I overeat.

today i ate nearly I pint of ice cream bc of a headache.

[also I'm definitely lactose intolerant]

I forgot about the headache while I was eating the ice cream but now I feel guily for eating 1000kcals in less than 15 mins and i have a stomachache and i still have a headache. I might kill myself.

[just kidding. don't call 911.]

but I always do this. today I promised myself that I was going to fast to make up for the last 3 weeks of what ended up continuing today. I eat and I promise to starve then I eat even more. more and more and more and more. I hate looking at myself in the mirror.

[i initially decided to eat because i was sad about something and my friend decided to buy me a treat to make me feel better. i accepted bc im a cow. after that i spent my own money to buy peanuts. I DONT EVEN LIKE PEANUTS. then after my sister wanted me to bring home fried chicken. so i did and decided to buy a salad for myself. i ended up eating the salad then eating some chicken and eating another salad and 3 granola bars and other miscellaneous snacks until my sister decided to eat some ice cream and I shared it with her until she decided she was done witg it and then i ASKED if i could finish it and i did. i ate around 3000kcals today. thats double my maintenance.]

after my weed got confiscated earlier this month I thought: at least this will make me stop binging. it didn't turns out it wasn't the munchies making me eat it was myself. because my whole life has been overcome with gluttony to the point that I'd probably eat shit off the ground for stubbing my toe. everytime I feel like shit (which is all the time because I'm literally depressed) I feel like it's a justification to eat like a fucking PIG.

I want to stop. can someone please lock me in a basement and starve me until I weigh 45kg?

chauchau

[tikiluz]

#tikiluz to weightloss plan

holi tumblr!

im not really the organized type but I love to plan things out even though I know I probably might not follow through with it. I think it helps me feel like everything's gonna be okay at the end.

yesterday, I got bored during Easter sermon and decided how I should go about losing 20kg in 4 months.

[I feel bad for getting distracted but I couldn't help it since I'm the biggest girl my age there since I go to a Korean church and all the other girls are just as or even more obsessed with their body and beauty ( ;´･ω･`)]

I figured that since

20kg/4 months = 5kg/1 month and

7700kcals = 1 kg of fat,

i need to burn 5 × 7700kcals = 38500kcals / month.

I'm gonna be counting 1 month as exactly 4 weeks which is 28 days.

38500/28=1375kcals that i need to burn everyday which i realized was unrealistic for me since that meant i had to fast everyday so I had to come up with a different plan.

I figured that since my tdee is around 1400 kcals, if I fasted 1/2 of the time I would burn

28/2=14 14×1400=19600kcals

which brings the remaining amount I need to burn to 18900kcals in 14days which is still the same amount per day as before but if I only eat 1000kcals a day and got 16000 steps (-500kcal) everyday it would cancell out which means that

each month, I will do a 24hr fast every other day of eating 1000kcals a day to lose 5 kg every month. since I counted 1 month as 28days instead of 30 or 31, that means each month I'll have 2-3 days where I can eat at net 0kcals which is at least 1400kcals without counting any activity kcals burned.

[i hope that i can follow through with this one since I hope to at least be 10 kg lighter by summer and at my goal weight by the next school year. my last school year. ]

I'll check back with an update as soon as may starts and the end of each month after that!

chauchau!

[tikiluz]

#tikiluz to think and yap

holi tumblr!

im kinda bored so i watched a YouTube video while I played Good Coffee Great Coffee but then I rage quit and started just listening to the YouTube video which wasn't stimulating enough for me so I started audibly talking to myself then decided to post it on here (#^.^#)

nothing i say is an original thought; like someone has said this before, someone published this at some point and ive heard someone else talk about it which is why it's been added to the accumulation of it's equivalents that create my thoughts. nothing I think of or have to say is original.

im not complaining though. the 1% of people who actually have original thoughts either live in agony in denial or peace in denial or is neurodivergent because all neurotypical people run any slightly unique thought through a society simulation that categorizes it as either acceptable and therefore may be shared or unacceptable and should be buried. the outcome really doesn't matter because before the thought was even put through the simulation or as soon as it was formed, the mind started to believe itself to be a prisoner of the body.

if the person keeps it to themselves, they live in pain and mental isolation. kinda like a prisoner.

if the person shares it they are free but are also running away from the thought of societal or personal or self rejection; not because they're afraid it will happen but because they don't want to accept that it already did.

I think a lot are both simultaneously. they say what they want but filter themselves to act as a sort of protection. they filter themselves because it's the more efficient way to express themselves while avoiding practically immediate rejection. the longer way is to make art out of it.

this process is slower because art is slow to digest. no genuine piece of art is made to just look at. it always delivers some sort of thought the artist wanted to share but couldn't without skipping the long journey that is the art.

[i lowk wish it wasnt like that tho... would love for people to just say what they think without feeling like they need to have some sort of pre existing repuation or to provide the full explanation. which ig is what art is. leaving things to the interpreter. (ﾉД`)]

it's why an report or an essay or a chapter in a textbook is different than a novel or a poem or a song.

an essay is written with the purpose of delivering information. it's built with the most specific words and sentences packed to the max with the info so that the final thought is delivered to the reader as efficiently as possible. the only reason why it works is because the reader is already willing to accept the thought as a fact and does not need convincing.

a novel is literally pages and pages of words that build onto everything but the actual thought. it creates a world and brings you along a story in a world you've never been in. it puts you into a life you've never lived about a virtually fake character but somehow allows you to build empathy towards foreign unfamiliarity by simultaneously providing relatability. all of this world building and intimate connections for the reader to make to the text is all coercion for the actual purpose of the novel; the thought. the reason for the abundance of pretty, seductive, emotional words is to condition the reader into a state of reception because without it they will instantly reject it.

this is why artists are at peace because their (original) thoughts are heard.

[not to say that artists are happy though. theyre more likely not. i think thats beacuse theyve broken out of the denial of the "peace and denial" part. they realise the rejection and might think the art part of the thought was all for nothing (・・、)]

that was lowk a lot of words LMAO (~_~;) they should put up a word limit here. JK PLS DONT. but I'm rly tired not and I'm gonna take a nap (-.-)ノ⌒-~

chauchau!

[tikiluz]

#tikiluz temporary gratifications

holi tumblr!

I think I'm slowly coming to realize my depression. I mean I already knew I was depressed to an extent but I feel like I'm actually depressed. so does my mom. she's taking me to the doctor to get me prescribed to antidepressants but idek if that's actually how it works, like, isn't it supposed to be with a psychiatrist or something???

back to my main point, I think I've been trapped in a cycle of either binge eating, masturbating, smoking, or cutting myself every second I spend alone. I have so much homework to do but I'm not getting any done because its not mentally rewarding to me.

while writing this i think I'm actually not depressed. I'm just lazy and gross and sad. I think I'm just someone who hates to do anything remotely boring bcs I'm selfish. its like I need some sort of stimulation all the time or I'm just gonna hate myself.

[maybe i just don't like the idea of being alone in my thoughts... though i think its unlikely. this whole blog and all my other anonymous social media accounts is basically me being alone in my thoughts]

It's been worse these days bcs my parents found out that I smoke. I wanna kill myself. they're weirdly acting normal and I didn't have any consequences but doesn't change the fact that i don't have any access to weed rn and it's lowkey making my flip out. all I've done today is watch porn and eat and cut and sleep. maybe I'll steal one of my dad's cigarettes and smoke it later.

[random thought, but this is my second post and this blog has already become my personal diary....]

I feel like shit either way though because everything i do for stimulation makes me feel like shit afterwards.

I'll binge eat but I'll feel fat and bloated and uncomfortable after. I'm already overweight and I'm still eating so much... fat bitch just stop eating?

I'll masturbate but I'll feel gross after. i feel like i smell like cum or something. I hate how I feel like a loser femcel after.

I'll cut myself but... well for one I'm cutting myself but I also feel like such a poser. like I'm tryna b edgy or emo or something.. I don't cut that deep and I'm really selective of where I cut so no one sees.

the only thing I did without feeling super shitty about it was weed and I can't even do that anymore (｀Δ´)

[didnt feel shit ab weed mostly bc I got so fucked up i only had like 2 thoughts and fall asleep tho]

but yeah all I'm doing rn is bedrotting and being on my phone even though I should be doing my 10 missing assignments in English but I don't want to bc I feel like shit but I feel like shit bc I'm failing that class but I feel like shit bc I ate so much today.

[life would be so much easier if I was skinny and not addicted to porn like what am i a discord mod?]

whatever it's nighttime anyways and tomorrow is a new day. I'll do better then

chauchau!

[tikiluz]

#tikiluz

holi tumblr!

welcome to my new blog!

[I made this account a while ago but nvr used it bc I never knew how... decided better late then never bcs I'm learning now (^^;;)]

my blog will be about all things tiki(me) luz(luhz->loves)!

[however, as everyone has things they love, they have things they hate so I'll write about those too.]

little about me...

I'm a formerly identified artist but fell out of my creative spirit... I hope to regrow into that label but for now I'm just any old guy.

to clarify, I'm not an old guy. I'm a teenage girl living a medium sized life in a medium sized city in a medium quality province in the great white north.

I like math and weed and video essays and marshmallow bars and art and cats and nicotine and human anatomy and porn and sleeping and physics and my friends and God and the white noise the washroom fan makes.

I don't like... nothing? I guess?

[I tend to purely go off vibes when determining things or people I like or don't like. I take caution on expressing my love or hate towards anything. I think its probably bc I the declaration of liking/not liking something is viewed as an eqivalent to saying that I like/don't like other things. i guess i dont like that it allows people to assume or expect me to be one of the archetype they've created to make their lives easier. it's easier to live thinking that everyone falls into some sort of category bc facing the unpredictable, chaotic reality of the human mind and admitting the complexity of every person is scary and uncomfortable. but I still don't like when people assume that I am a certain way because of my opinions and interests. it makes me feel like I'm disappointing them when I actually show myself.]

I'm probably in some fandoms but they're honestly not a big enough part of my life to remember them by name (^-^;;). I generally like sitcoms and music and kpop.

that's about it for now!

chauchau!