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me: chat what do we think

the angel and devil on my shoulders: can you not call us that please

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Unmute !

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i think rolling down a grassy hill would fix me

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My two brain cells deciding to give me one serotonin but also a headache

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I know most people see their pets as their children but my cat is my roommate. The fact that she's an adult is so much funnier to me. She's had a rich, troubled kitty life, being a disabled homeless girl who got pregnant and was taken into a shelter and lived as a teenage mom raising her five kids. Watched her babies grow up, find themselves in adulthood and move on to their new families. A young empty nester, no husband, no property, no credit, no job, and social anxiety. She finally finds a roommate willing to pay rent, a young lesbian she can trust and become friends with. Except she has to deal with me baby talking her and scheduling her meals and giving her unwanted kisses on her little soft kitty head

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if i were an extremely wealthy owner of a television network i would shrimply pick up all the successful shows netflix and hbo and disney cancelled that ppl made petitions abt and the creators said they have more written for

and then make more seasons of them and my network's ratings would be wildly high and also it'd be baller pr or w/e

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Priorities

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i spent $32 on this fucking bowl at the moma and at first i felt bad buying it bc it was so expensive but ive had a terrible day today and every time i look at my lil bowl im like :o) you know what. i can get through anything with this bowl by my side

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I hate the cosmetic surgery industry for so many reasons I really do. But the line between cosmetic and medically necessary plastic surgeries is as a cloud, and we cannot sacrifice bodily autonomy for bans so. We need to dismantle white supremacy and the patriarchy in order to effectively tackle the issue. I should be able to get elective top surgery without medicalising my transness you get?

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Major scandals By D&D Class

Artificer: Just came up with the idea of NFTs and Algorithmically Generated Content. They're going to introduce it to your fantasy world tomorrow.

Barbarian: Turns out to actually enjoy Sartre, have a PhD in Early Modern Art and spend their time going to poetry nights in disguise

Bard: Got turned down by the dragon this time. There's no magical song to cure heartbreak :(

Cleric: Got drunk and used Contact Diety to call their god an asslicking potato. Now they're too worried to pray for their spells today.

Druid: Sure, they love all creations of nature without judgement, but honestly? They kind of have to agree that wasps were a mistake.

Fighter: Finally admits they don't actually know what a sword is. No-one told them at fighter school because everyone assumed they already knew, and at this point they can't ask, you know?

Monk: Ate a single Pringle and are now reconsidering their entire way of life

Paladin: Ok, you got them. Their oath doesn't actually forbid them from doing the washing up or cleaning up the party tent.

Ranger: Their animal companion has actually been five different wolves and counting. They can't tell them apart so if they lose sight of it, they just grab the nearest wolf and claim its the same one.

Rogue: Shocking paper trail leak reveals that everything the rogue did this year was law-abiding and fully above board!

Sorcerer: They just say they have Dragon Blood because it sounds cooler. Actually, their magic comes from their Dragon Piss.

Warlock: No scandals because warlocks have no shame. Yeah, they're banging their patron. Yeah, their "Oath of the Tome" is just the Wizard's book they've scribbled over with crayon. Yeah, they eldritch blast servers when they ask for tips. What you gonna do about it, fucker?

WIzard: Could never quite get the hang of "Magic Missile" so instead they just keep a gun hidden up their sleeve.

Commoner: Actually the master of all forms of magic, stronger then the barbarian and blessed by all the gods. They just acted scared of the dragon because you guys looked so proud when you thought you's saved them :)

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Most Popular Methods of Eating Breakfast Cereal

Human: pour cereal in bowl, add milk, eat with spoon 

Elf: dip spoon in milk bowl, top with desired amount of cereal, eat milk and cereal in the spoon, repeat

Dwarf: pour cereal in ale, wait until nice and soft, drink

Halfling: gently heat dry cereal on the stove, mix three parts milk with one part water, add a teaspoon of sugar, add salt and pepper to taste, add cereal to milk mixture, pick up bowl and slurp

Orc: crush cereal to dust, inhale

Goblin: pour cereal into bowl of vinegar, add fresh worms, eat with fork 

Tiefling: find a dark corner, eat cereal out of the box while contemplating tragic backstory

Gnome: pour cereal, milk, and coffee into the different compartments of a three-spouted cereal pitcher, take swigs from all three spouts simultaneously

Kobold: lick cereal off plate

Tabaxi: pour milk in bowl, drink with tongue, wait isn’t this supposed to be about cereal? uh, no data. 

Dragon: dragons do not eat breakfast cereal like lesser creatures do; they only buy it to collect the prizes

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“Run into a cave and break your ankle so that people have to come find you and they see you lying at the bottom of this beautiful cave and maybe there’s a waterfall and the light from the crystals makes you look really beautiful and they say “Are you okay?” and you say “I think so” and they say “oh my God have you been here alone this whole time with a broken ankle” and you say “it’s okay” and they say “you’re so brave” and you are brave and you look so beautiful surrounded by cave crystals and everyone stands over you and says “oh wow” and “you poor beautiful thing” and “I’m so sorry we let you run into the cave but I’m so glad we found you” and let them carry you home and promise to be your best friends forever and that everything’s their fault and also they named the cave after you and you’re prettier than all of your enemies and your enemies all died of jealousy while you were in the cave.”

— Daniel M. Lavery, How To Respond To Criticism (via boringoldraphael)

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"I bet it doesn't hurt that bad, I don't have time for this shit."

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what would the gaangs powerpoint night presentations be

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It's just one of those days