tilly-sails

[tilly-sails]

March 29, 2021

I saw a commercial today. 

It was a Folger’s coffee ad and it infuriating to watch. Not because if had anything offensive, or that they stated anything that wasn’t PC, but because of the premise. 

Scene. 3 people who work from home on a zoom conference. Main guy who is presenting has the camera tilted down a little too far and his lack of pants can be seen by his coworkers. He quickly realizes it, fixes the angle, apologizes, and blames it on the lack of his morning coffee before all three bust out in song. 

While this commercial probably would’ve gone unnoticed under any other circumstances, a year and month into a pandemic, where the uprooting of everyday life has been traumatic to say the least, you (Folger’s) dare to try relate to a certain demographic. Pandering for a demographic that the only reason work from home is even an option, is because the almighty dollar must continue to be made, no matter the obstacle. 

People are being asked a lot of already. I’ve been asked a lot of already and it don’t foresee things being not asked of me. It gets tiring having to always come up with an answer, but never having answers to the things I ask of them. You get ignored or spoken down too enough times, you start to lose your voice.

[tilly-sails]

March 27, 2021

I have this friend who I can’t stand. 

I’ve know them for the better part of my life, and one of the reason’s that they are still my friend is because I know exactly what I’m getting with them; I know who they are as a person, I know their flaws and their skills.

This friend often has a lot of relationship problems. It’s been like this for as long as I remember and this is only because, as a friend, I lend a listening ear. There is definitely a pattern that I’ve noticed, and during these venting sessions, while I take in what their version of the story is, I am also keenly aware that there is also 2 sides to every story. While I supported them and empathized and tried to work through things with them the first time around, my sympathy and support have faded with each failed relationship. 

Side note: This friend is the type of person to “plunge” themselves into any relationship. They sometimes forget about family and friends if things are going well, but when shit inevitably hits the fan, family and friends are there to supposedly “pick up the pieces. Because of course, that’s why you have family and friends in the first place; to support you during your lowest times. Now, I don’t know if you can imagine how this could get... tiring, but trust me when I say, that it is tiring. 

So the pattern goes as follows: Friend gets into a relationship. Don’t hear from them for a year and a half. There’s trouble in paradise. Friend comes out of the woodworks looking for people to talk to, and to listen to, and to distract them. During hangouts, sit quietly watching Youtube while they furiously type away on their phone. (Probably arguing with the partner) and smoke weed. This persists for a few weeks to a month, sometimes, it feels like almost daily. They, either work it out with their partner, or find someone new, and then proceed to disappear for another few months. 

All of that is fine. It’s what I’ve come to expect from this friend. “That’s just who they are as a person “ is my answer to anybody that has asked me why we are still friends. But I do have one irk during each of these episodes. 

As I get older, I have learned to appreciate my “me” time. I don’t mind being alone and believe that it really is healthy for everyone. Giving yourself time to reflect, unwind, and ponder should be on everyone’s to-do list. This friend can’t stand to be alone. And as unfortunate as that may be for them, spending an excess amount of time with me is not going to fix you. I wish I could be the one to tell them that that responsibility falls on their shoulder. That is definitely a “you” problem, and the only solution you’re willing to look for, preoccupying your time with me, is NOT a solution. While I can tolerate seeing and hanging with them once every couple of weeks, I can’t do the daily thing. I just can’t do it. I’m not in High School anymore. I have errands to run and responsinilibities to attend to, and I just don’t have the mental capacity to be something for someone that I am absolutely not. 

Sometimes it feels a little inconsiderate of them, sometimes I feel guilty about just constantly saying no, or having to ignore them to get the message across. 

[tilly-sails]

March 24, 2021

How do you react during a difficult conversation?

I can tell you how I reacted to the last one I was a part of. There is a short fuse, which typically leads to a wall of stubbornness. I know, it’s childish and immature. There is a constant search through the corners of my mind to try to find any and every worse case scenario. Sometimes, these are valid concerns and points to bring up. For example, “What happens when the stock market crashes?” or “What will I do if a lose my job?” Sometimes is gets a little more morbid. “What happens if I die in a car wreck tomorrow?” and “What if someone else passes?” Which, if can be honest, is a little farfetched but that’s the thing; No one really knows what’s gonna happen. It’s always, and will be, a bunch of what ifs. What kind of life is that to lead though? Always waiting for something worse to come around the corner. People say that shouldn’t be the main focal point; Be thankful and grateful for you what have. I forget to do that... more often than not. But what leads me to only focus on the negative? Why is it the first thing I choose to see? 

It gets exhausting, always complaining about the bad and the potential bad. I know it gets exhausting for the people having to be around that person too. All this energy, not being put to the best use but the never ending dread of existentialism still looms.

Maybe I shouldn’t let myself “think” too abstractly, and focus on the more on the contemporary. 

[tilly-sails]

March 22, 2021

I have the sudden urge to say the following:

These “ramblings” are in no way anything besides a writing exercise. A place to unload whatever it is that is on my mind, on any particular day. I cringe at the thought of even going back to reread anything I may have written, prior to that present day.  I never intended this to read read by any audience, let alone myself. 

But I’m throwing caution into wind, to play in this space. I want to test my limits, visit my fears, be loud and pompous, scream into the void, and silently weep to myself. I want a soapboxless soapbox to try to articulate my thoughts. 

I always believed that one shouldn’t write, just to write; You write with purpose. You write to give yourself a voice. Something must be said. 

I like to think that this is me, writing just to write. To see if I can make sense of whatever it is that I’m trying to say, but to also see if what it is I’m trying to say is even important or necessary. 

[tilly-sails]

March 20, 2021

Back in November of last year, I took the plunge, like many others did and picked up a new hobby and bought myself a bicycle. (This is after not riding one in YEARS.) It was the perfect excuse to get outside, “during a pandemic” and exercise and it did wonders for my mental health. It started off as only riding in between residential areas, close to the apartment. But what I loved about it, was that I wasn’t the only one that had this idea. Everyone and their mothers were out and about, whether is was walking the family dog, or jogging, or riding their own bicycles. And with each lap and passing, there would be the obligatory head nod; the obligatory acknowledgement, and it really felt like we were pioneers. It felt as if we were breaking the law, and only we knew about it. Of course, we wouldn’t be the ones to rat out each other. There was plenty of space outside, for EVERYONE to enjoy and smiles 6 feet away never looked so sweet. 

From the residential areas, the next logical step would be to find bike trails, no? My purchasing of a bicycle, inspired close friends to do the same. And some had even more of a fervor to get out and “send it”. There is, apparently, a big difference between them and me. While I may have thought that “big air” was what I was missing in my life (that adrenaline, that excitement) all it took was the first spill to bring me back down to reality. 

I didn’t want to have either tire leave the safety of the ground. While it was fun to have groups of people to enjoy an activity with, when it came to the jumps, I just let them have at it. I would cheer and stare in amazement, especially when it came to my close friends. The courage, the confidence. It was enough to be green with envy. And while I still enjoy hitting the trails with them, (firmly making sure that I know my limits) I have found what I really enjoy. 

I enjoy the feeling of solitude. I enjoy Tame Impala blasting in my ear, drowning out the sounds of traffic. I enjoy the wind whipping at my face and those lung fulls of fresh air. As much as I hate Dallas, it looks a little different from the seat of a bicycle. It feels as if I’m getting intimate and taking turns in places that I would never even think about taking if I was behind the wheel of a car. And all this seems easier, or motivational, with the many like minded people doing the same.

All in all, today was OKAY.... maybe that’s just because it’s a Saturday? 

[tilly-sails]

March 18, 2021

My apologies for not writing to you yesterday. The workday felt as if it could stretch to last an eternity, and while i don’t really fancy myself a drinker, I felt as if alcohol could really numb the pain that was yesterday. 

By no means am I saying that I drink to excess or that I have a problem with moderation. I would describe myself as a social drinker. That being said, I don’t go socialize every weekend. I only “treat” myself when the days call for it. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that I do have other vices...

I’ve been having difficulties falling asleep at a reasonable hour and waking up refreshed since last Sunday. Daylight savings sprung forward, and that hour of sleep will not reappear until closer towards the end of the year. To have the sun set at 8:30 instead of 5:30, I will sacrifice that hour every time. They say seasonal depression is a real thing, and those winter blues hit different when it starts getting dark as soon as the workday is over. 

I spent the better part of my day watching doom and gloom videos on YouTube discussing the inevitable and near collapse of major industries; the housing market, the stock market, hyperinflation, etc. My mother asked me why I do this to myself. I told her that I’d much rather watch and listen and be depressed, so when the shit hits the fan, I can say that I saw it coming from a mile away, as opposed to claiming ignorance or believing that, “I don’t want to watch that depressing stuff,” and then being Pikachu Face shocked that the people at the top, once again played with the economy like it was their own personal casino. I’ll say this until my very last breath: It’s disgusting. 

Anyways, the numbness continues. Thankfully today wasn’t a rock bottom day, and I’m hoping tomorrow brings that same energy of mediocrity. Salut. 

[tilly-sails]

March 16, 2021

This is awkward. I never thought I’d find myself here again, especially after wiping my online presence completely. But somehow, this survived. And I’m hoping the lack of activity throughout the last 5 years has buried this page far enough into the depths of the internet, that this can transform into something just for me. I don’t need eyes on my thoughts. I don’t need comments on my thoughts. I just need a place to “word vomit” anything and everything from milestones reached (or failed) to mild inconveniences or annoyances. 

So here I am, starting..... fresh-ish (I’m honestly terrified of reading any of my previous posts. And plan to keep that same consistency with these new posts.) As soon as that “Post” button gets clicked, my ramblings will have been sent to every corner of the internet, and in that instant, I will have forgotten what I had to say; What I felt at the time. Again, this is for no one but myself. 

3 months into 2021 and I wouldn’t have guessed I’d be here without looking at a calendar. As most everyone knows, Coronavirus has entered our lives swiftly, and for the last year and counting, has wrecked havoc across all spectrums of life. Social life pivoted to online. Work life pivoted to work from home, (for those lucky enough to have a job that can be done from home). And all the while, having to listen to the pure garbage that some people spew. How they speak so loudly, so proudly as outrageous claims get told, I will never understand. I can’t comprehend the selfishness of my fellow human. I can’t understand the vitriol blaring from television sets.  Now more than ever, the “us vs. them” mentality seems to be ripping the centerpiece of what an idealized American should be. (If you ask me, the American Dream died long ago, and those optimistic enough to believe that it can return, reveal themselves to me as foolish, or more importantly, selfish.) For those that do everything they’re told, for those that put in extra work, for those that have stepped over actual humans to better position themselves where they want to be, ask yourselves why? Is it really for a shot at the American Dream? To provide for your family and have them not hurt? I am allowed to ask if everyone is privy to the American Dream? 

On one hand, you could argue that selfishness is exactly what built society as we know it. For the boon that followed the industrial revolution, to the climb from the depths of the hole that was the great depression, to the housing market collapse/financial collapse which led to the great recession, growth was a symptom. But during my short time on this planet, I have watched time and time again, that all of that doesn’t really work. Because of selfishness and because of greed, what once provided optimism and growth, now because the cause of the failures that quickly follow it. It’s too much greed; it’s too much selfishness. 1 company cannot have 900 CEO’s but that doesn’t mean that the inequality of wealth found rampant in our economy should be ignored. 

I feel as if most people have bought in to the idea that with enough hard work, with knowing the right people, and dedication and passion, that the goal of being a CEO, neigh, just being paid like a CEO is attainable. I can see why they would believe this so fruitfully, as it has been engrained in the minds of previous generations along with mine, and probably future generations. But I don’t believe it. Not one single iota. 

Its never been about the money for me. I don’t recall ever having the dream of being the richest person in the room; Of acquiring wealth so monumental that my children’s children’s children would never have to work a day in their life. Maybe I’m a pessimistic in my thinking, but isn’t that a part of the problem as to why we are where we are? I try not to discuss my views and feelings with anyone close to me, because once the subject gets brought up, I get the feeling that those close to me begin to view my as a social outcast, as a leper. “Don’t you want to have children? Don’t you want to have something to leave them?” 

And while I’m not opposed to bringing a child into this world eventually, but what would I be bringing them into? Dealing with my own thoughts of “I didn’t ask to be here”, I’m terrified of adding to the problem. Overpopulation, resources running out, a political climate that has seen bloodshed over a disagreement, education lacking at best, and generational poverty at worse; why would I want to succumb my own blood to a life that I can’t even say that I’ve enjoyed. There have been things, people, and activities, that do bring a glimmer of happiness, but happiness is fleeting. 85 percent of my time is spent saying how exhausted of it all I am. 

My brother posed an analogy as to how he feels. I paraphrase, “I feel as if I’m in a hole. But at the bottom of the hole, there is a comfortable bed to at least lay down in. My biggest fear is getting too comfortable, and therefore not trying all options to get out of the hole. “ And I wholeheartedly understand and sympathize where he comes from. But I also have analogy too. I feel as if I am also in a hole, with no bed, but a hole nonetheless. All my life, I’ve been told to find a way out. Fight and claw and cry and find a way out. Not only am I in this hole, but it is raining and the hole is quickly filling up with water. I scream for anyone to hear me. “Help, this hole is filling up! What do I do? Can you help me?” And I scream until my voice is hoarse. From crying out for help, it switches to just me being angry at the water for rising. “Fuck, it’s filling up fast. Shit, it’s at my ankles. WTF, it’s at my shins now!” The water has gotten chest deep, but I have no more energy, I have no more fight. I don’t even have any anger anymore. And the more and more I think about it, how nice it would be to keep quiet, slump my head down into my chest, and just letting the surface of the water wash over me. The water was cold at first, but my body has adjusted. The water level flows around my ears, and for short bursts, silence fills my head. And I find myself wishing for longer bursts of silence, until all goes quiet. Fully submerged, no one can hear me pleas; I can’t even hear my pleas anymore either. Quiet and serene and almost forgiving; I can picture the water caressing my and telling me that I tried my best. But everything has an expiration date. 

God, I’m so tired. 

[tilly-sails]

Salt water really does heal all wounds. The feeling of reemergence into the life that eluded us somewhere in our past close to where the loss of innocence happened. It's not something that everyone has the opportunity to think about, especially in such a fast paced society, but it should have more time spent on it. You could shrink those moments down to the times where the slightest self realization occurs, but it'll never be enough. Am I spending my time wisely? Am I living life passionately? What is my ever elusive purpose? Terrifying to think about. Rewarding to think about. This enchanting town where sunshine rains down on you daily; where the saltiness of the warm Pacific Ocean waters truly made me feel reborn. I find myself being drawn to it. I was put here, maybe by chance, maybe by destiny, to enjoy the cleansing effect of the waters. I'll let you know when I'm finally awake, but I can feel the restless tossing and turning and it's never seemed so close. Life goal. Reside near a body of water, not the Gulf of Mexico. But that's always been the goal. Love, Luis.

[tilly-sails]

Day 27

Technically day 27 of this voyage and it doesn't feel like it's been 4 weeks, although the bank account begs to differ. We spent a total of two weeks of it in Wellington, and I wish it was longer honestly. Like I said before, it's been the closest ambiance to that of Fort Worth so the comfortability was there. One day I'll be back because there definitely is a beach house on a sea cliff there with my name on it. Sorry for not keeping up with this as much as I really wanted too. It's been a whirlwind of a first month and some days I've been too emotional drained to even think about updating, but I have not forgotten. Our journey continues south for us as we land on the north shores of the South Island. We've heard from many different people that the further south we go, the more chilled out, relaxed, and laid back everyone is. Weird, since the attitudes of the locals back north were a shock. But then again, what would you have to worry about when you live in a place like this lol. You are all still missed greatly and in our hearts and minds daily. Love, Luis

[tilly-sails]

Drunk from the streets of windy Wellington.

I can hear the pitter patter of the rain as it drizzles the concrete streets of this town similar to that of Fort Worth. I must say that this is the closest that I've felt to being back home. Not as large as the hustling and bustling of Auckland, but with more character. Music being blared throughout the streets out of little bars and cafes. The coolest little capital they call it, and I can see why. I write to you, those that actually read these "blog posts" that feel a little rushed and thrown together, to update you on the current mood of this self-realizing journey; a little desperate. The process of finding rent and a job to occupy our time, Brittany and myself, has been a tad more difficult than I anticipated I suppose. Struggling with Brittany's work visa and applying for our IRD numbers, income revenue or something of the sort, has been one speed bump after another, but it has not been our demise yet and our spirit is strong. We'll be spending the next couple of days here trying to enjoy it's atmosphere and culture before ultimately heading down towards the South Island. It seems as though that's where there the job market is really in need. But until then, we shall crack open another bottle of wine, and drink to those back home in the states, and for enjoyment of living in the now. It goes without saying that we still miss the shit out of everyone, but we're doing okay.

[tilly-sails]

Waiheke

Did not get motion sickness on the ferry from Auckland city to Waiheke island. Not surprising there. Because of the steady drizzle of yesterday, we both prayed for better weather coming into today, and boy were our prayers answered. Miles of blue, cloudless skies, turquoise waters and green hill mountains. The colors are so vibrant that it feels like my eyes are naturally in high definition. With Melanie's suggestions and a copy of "Lonely Planet's New Zealand, we took off on the ferry shortly after breakfast. Take the sites in? Yes. Check out some vineyards for wine tasting? Also, yes. Not only visit, but participate in one of the few nude beaches there? Wasn't planning on it, but "when in Rome". If you've never tried anything as European as that, I suggest and recommend you try it. At least once in your lifetime. There's something freeing about letting the sun soak and warm your naked body. It was very welcomed after taking an icy plunge into the waters of Palm Beach. 10/10 and I WOULD do it again. Since being out here I've sworn to come back with unrecognizably olive skin. Trying to work on that killer tan, ya feel me? We must be careful though, as there is no ozone above the formation of islands. Meaning we are getting the full force of the sun even with it not feeling as brutal as the Texas sun. Fun little fact that one of our home stays informed about. I just say, "Bring on the sunscreen."

[tilly-sails]

The little town of Russell.

[tilly-sails]

What day is it?

Another long day that we can mark off our calendar. It was mostly filled with picturesque views along highway 1 heading north. A lot of green. Pictures don't do it justice and you wouldn't believe it unless you saw it for yourself. The day started off in Takanini at the homestay of Giel and Shanne, an adorable couple from the Netherlands who moved here back in April of 2014. Dare I say that they were even friendlier and more helpful than the first homestay couple that we stayed with? It is true. I think we liked them a little more too. We left around 9 in the morning with them wishing us luck on our continued journey and set out to accomplish nothing since we really don't have a to do list but figured we'd still try to set up a bank account since we still hadn't been able to. Banks are completely closed on the weekends and those that we checked in the city were fully booked. The first bank we stopped at, our luck had passed us once again. They were fully booked as well but we did not let it frustrate us. Side note, we've noticed during our short time here that we have not seen a single person show any emotion other than being carefree and exuberantly content. No angry drivers, no disinterested customer services. Nothing. My, what I and the rest of America could learn from a kiwi or two. But I digress. I do think the "No worries" mantra is slowly rubbing off on us and it is welcomed with open arms. That being said we continued our search. Low and behold we found a branch that was willing to work us in and early enough to not feel like we've wasted the day. We are proud members of West Pac bank which has affiliations with Bank of America so if anyone feels the need to donate to the cause, please do not hesitate lol. From there, we decided to head north. Like all the way up north. Since we've been moseying around Auckland and its surrounding suburbs, we wanted to really start our excursion. Not that the island itself is big, but it took us around 4 hours to get to the Bay of Islands. Situated towards the northeast part, you can say that this little secret of earth is where most kiwis go to vacation, or Holiday as they affectionately call it. Having a holiday home here will score you huge points. The views are storybook, just as everything else has been in the little slice of paradise. A plethora of bays surrounded by hills and rocks of green. Definitely a must do if you ever find yourself in this corner of the world. And that is coming from the lonely planet guide and myself. We choose kaimarama bay to frolic and take a dip and were not disappointed. Although the water was fucking cold, it was turquoise blue and astonishing. I don't think it'll ever feel real to be honest. We only stayed there for a bit since it took most of the day to get there. Trekked a little further back south and to the west to a little town called Russell. It reminded me of the Hamptons. Quaint little town settled on its own bay and we had the privilege of capturing a sunset there. There are no words to describe the feeling you get witnessing something so surreal. Too bad it was a little to expensive for our taste accommodation wise. It's a shame really... So I write this to you from the back of Iris, our little piece of shit station wagon parked at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. It's funny how nothing is open here 24 hours. Definitely have taken quick trips and race tracs for granted... A taquito would be fantastic right about now. But I must admit, tonight is the first night where the homesickness is setting in. I truly do miss some back in the states. I wonder what you all are up to and what you are thinking. As I fall asleep to a bevy of stars in the sky, I just want to say that I love you and am constantly thinking of you guys. Cheers

[tilly-sails]

Hey. We're in the very corner of the world still.

[tilly-sails]

Auckland day 3

The days here are as long as they are beautiful. The sun rises at 6:30 am which definitely motivates me to wake up right along with it, and sets in the evening around 9:00. I would have thought that the time difference between here and back home would create a bigger issue but we've (Brittany) acclimated pretty well. We are currently sitting in a cute little cafe called Sierra's which is half a block away from queen st. The food continues to not disappoint and the stories of friendly Kiwi's has not been a myth even with the stigma of being an American. The goals for today: set up a joint bank account, buy a New Zealand SIM card, and purchase a set of wheels. Sprint definitely lied to us and we have no coverage over here which isn't as bad at it sounds, but I know it worries everyone back home. We've hopped from free wifi spot to free wifi spot checking in. Wish us luck and I'll keep keeping you posted! Much love!

[tilly-sails]

[tilly-sails]

Sydney

As I sit outside the Sydney international airport waiting for the New Zealand flight that leaves in about two hours, it still hasn't hit me. Running on Texas time but technically living in the "future" is an odd sensation. I will say that the future is pretty trill though. And what we saw of Sydney, which wasn't much, was eye opening. It's just a different lifestyle here. Everyone moves at a much slower pace all while being very hospitable. I can say that I've never got to experience something like this in the states, more so in Texas. Brittany and I spent the day roaming the streets with no destination in mind. I feel invigorated and blessed. How lucky are we to have the chance to become more worldly? Not everyone has the opportunity and I don't take I for granted. Bon voyage my friends. We will travel representing our home and continue to be courteous. Next stop, Auckland!