tillyhavens

[tillyhavens]

“Fucking eyelashes”

insp

[tillyhavens]

Because I sincerely believe that even if Dumbledore could leave baby Harry at the doorstep for a night- the Mcgonagall I know would’ve stayed behind, crying silent tears over the loss of her two students, and holding the infant in her arms.

In the morning when milkman arrived, he was rather amused by seeing a tabby cat sitting by a small bundle..

why am i like this guys

[tillyhavens]

[tillyhavens]

Found this on dxmedstudent's blog!

Hey students, here’s a pro tip: do not write an email to your prof while you’re seriously sick.

Signed, a person who somehow came up with “dear hello, I am sick and not sure if I’ll be alive to come tomorrow and I’m sorry, best slutantions, [name]”.

[tillyhavens]

250 likes!

[tillyhavens]

So I've been sitting at home for almost a year now (come, April and it'll officially be a year) and I've been preparing for the NEET PG, which is the gateway to getting a post graduation degree in India. I've given 3 exams so far and while I can say that my scores have improved in each consecutive exam, I am also feeling extremely underwhelmed. I thought I was ok with my scores but lately I've been beating myself up over them bc of the "what ifs". What if I had studied better? What if I had spent less time on my phone? What if I hadn't made friends with the cats and dog? Nothing can be changed but also I know I'm a slow learner and I went at my own sweet pace and still ended up getting panic attacks. Those panic attacks were also triggered by my family's rejection of my boyfriend, someone I am very proud of.

All that aside, my current situation: all I'm seeing is grey. That's the only way I can describe it. Grey is a wonderful color, maybe with a dash of pink or blue or any other color. Just grey, all the time? It's bleak and gloomy. I'm scared bc I feel like I'm losing whatever momentum I had a few months before. I'm scared I'm destroying my relationship with doubt in my mind when he's being nothing but supportive. I'm scared that the upcoming NEET PG which has been postponed, may not click and I might not score better. I'm also scared of what the astrologer said, though I'm burying it deep within my mind. I'm feeling colourless and incompetent when I'm seeing my peers able to keep pushing. Yes comparison is the worst thing I can do to myself, especially when I'm feeling beat down, but I'm seeing possibilities open up for everyone around me and I feel like I'm standing still, trying to move but feeling my body paralyzed. And that's my own fault, though I have no idea what to do.

I feel like curling up and crying but I'm not able to show any signs of my dark mind bc I don't want my parents to see how I'm crumbling. They already feel betrayed bc I fell in love with someone they don't approve. I feel like I've sunken to a new low with not being able to lift myself up in their eyes with respect to my academics. Food is starting to feel unappetizing; I've lost interest in crocheting and watching TV shows. I'm literally forcing myself to do some damage control and study and force feed my brain with information but I am exhausted. I wanted the exam to get over and done, but now it's been postponed, when getting through day is a drag. Add another couple of months to it.

I'm holding my own self down and I don't know how to get up.

[tillyhavens]

4 years after that post and a lot happier, I can now say that what people have been saying is true, contrary to popular belief. You really have to love yourself first before you can expect someone else to. And the little things do matter... the cup of coffee after you wake up, having good running water, a good breakfast, having people who love you.... they matter a lot. And I am so grateful for all these things. Some of those days where patients are obnoxious or yell at you or question your medical degree- its these little things that make me smile...

[tillyhavens]

Break my heart....

I took a decision yesterday. Or rather, I knew that I had decided that only yesterday. I realised what kind of person I wanted to be. Call me a romantic or whatnot but I've decided this. I recently went through something and it was quite painful. It still is. But I'm not afraid to admit it anymore. I used to be. I used to think that admitting stuff like I miss someone or being grateful for their presence in my life or that I love someone etc etc was sappy. I don't what or who changed this part of me but I somehow WANT to express these things nowadays. I guess it's bc I've broken some hearts and now that mine is broken I feel the need to express my feelings more. I know it probably sounds very illogical but... I don't care. As crazy as it may sound, as ridiculous as it may be, I've opened up my heart a little bit. It's not an open door for everyone or something like that. But I think I'm gonna let the people close to me know how I feel about them, when I feel that way. Remember that decision I was talking about? This is it... I'm gonna love more. It doesn't matter if it breaks my heart. I'm gonna let it break. Then I'm gonna let it heal. Then I'm gonna love again. Then let it break again..... I'm gonna keep letting this happen with my friends. Bc.... like Ted Mosby said, "Love is the best thing that we do." I think it's the worst thing that can happen to somebody - a friend breaking your heart. Or slowly losing a friend. Sometimes, it's like you're the only one holding on to the rope between the two of you and somehow.... even if the other person has let go... you can't. Or you don't want to.... bc you love that person. And I do. I love my friends. And I'm not angry and I don't hate them if they do something that upsets me. I may be frustrated, hurt..... but I know that I would've forgiven them. But accepting the fact that someone's gone... getting used to their absence.... that's gonna take time. And the thing about me, is that I'll still hope that they'll come back... someday... somehow.... they'll come back to me.... And if they don't.... I'm not gonna think about it.... I'm still gonna hope.....

[tillyhavens]

[tillyhavens]

Cold as ice and more bitter than the December winter night..

#adamlambert

[tillyhavens]

That feeling...

Ever get that feeling any day when all you want to do is sit and mope and sulk and cry? That’s how I’m feeling right now. I’m waiting with some of my other batch mates for the doc to arrive. Today is the last day of Medicine postings. It’s Surgery from tomorrow - two absolutely pointless lines of whose origins I have no fucking idea. And the worst part is that listening to all the sad songs that I have isn’t helping. Not that I didn't try listening to happy ones. They just don't seem to line up with my crappy mood. I guess, now that I think about it, the sense of loneliness is hitting me. It's been quite some time since I was alone. I thought I was used to it but apparently I'm out of practice.

[tillyhavens]

She’s talking to angels, counting the stars, making a wish on passing cars. She’s dancing with strangers, falling apart, waiting for superman to pick her up…. In his arms….

#daughtry

[tillyhavens]

Heart of Stone

It’s been 5 days since college began and the only difference between the previous year and this, is that my isolation is starting to bother me more than ever. I don’t know what I did to be treated like this - invisible. Is it my body language? Is it the fact that I have more guy friends? I have one girl friend but the girls in my class have started to isolate her; treating her the same way that I’m being treated. I’m starting to think that this is beginning to affect her because she, at one point, was close to almost every girl in my class. I’m starting to believe this because she and I have not communicated much neither today morning nor yesterday night.

But the surprising fact is that I’m actually thinking about all this. I guess I always have thought about being alone deep down; I’ve always pushed those thoughts down so far and now that I’ve gotten a few friends, those thoughts have been pushed deeper down. I guess I’ve gotten used to being with friends even if it was just for a couple months. Looks like it’s having a deeper impact than normal.

I’m also starting to feel left out from my family. It’s like they’ve already filled up the space that I had once occupied. Maybe I’m just over thinking all this but the more I think about it, the more it’s becoming real. And that scares me. The fear of not being wanted scares me.

There’s always this conflict in my mind that my friends and family won’t give up on me, but the other voice that says that maybe I don’t matter anymore is getting stronger and louder. How long will I be able to ignore it? Maybe all I need is a heart of stone. Something that can take all forces of nature, emotion, everything. All the hatred and anger and jealousy in the world just will not matter if I had a heart of stone...

[tillyhavens]

Outcast

I may have ranted and exaggerated the previous time. But I'm pretty sure at least 80% of what I said is right. College has officially begun and it's been two days and I'm already, once again, feeling like an outcast. Not surprised there. OK, maybe I expected this year to be different. Sure it's been only two days but for me, that's more than enough to know that I'll never be accepted here; Just because people think I'm different. I don't know why. My dad says my body language warns people to stay away from me but that is not my fault if I've been conditioned to be that way ever since I entered med school. The only reason I'm staying here is because I don't have a choice. Not that I regret my decision of joining med school. I like it. But the hostility of the environment just makes everything worse. I'll admit, I'm close to a point where I don't give a rat's ass to what these girls think but I'm getting tired to being treated like I'm invisible. Some of the boys are good. But in a place as conservative as this, I don't think my behaviour is or ever will be appreciated. A part of me wants to get accepted, not into any group, but just that much where I'm respected as a person; where I'm NOT invisible. I can't rejoice in the fact that there in one more guy who's facing a similar situation. My only consolation is that I have a couple of good friends. I'm not open with them; I'm not planning on it either. But even they have good relationships with everyone else. What is the problem with me that I'm not accepted? Am I haughty? A grouch? Do I have attitude? Or am I just not good enough?

[tillyhavens]

Denial

Like I mentioned before, I am a med student. I am studying in a college that is 8 hours by train from my home. And I am, if I am not mistaken, 2 weeks from starting my second year, that is, if I pass my first year (fingers crossed). Even if I have found good friends and had fun especially the last month of college, once I came home, I don’t want to leave again. I am dreading the day of reopening. I’m not even afraid of whether or not I’ll pass because at this very moment, the dark clouds are dawning closer and I want so badly to just whoosh them away. 

I want to study here, in the comfort of my home. I know that getting out of your comfort zone can make you a better person and I have gone through hell and back to change myself and get out of trouble. Even though that has been a great lesson to not rush things and not open up to anyone too fast, it has left me barren and got me to build a shell where I constantly shut myself in. Building that shell is my own choice and I’m comfortable in it even if it means not socialising with anyone in my class- which is what I would prefer because quite frankly, my opinion is that most of the girls in my class are backstabbing bitches with the excess of sadism as an added flavour. The few that I think are really good are either in the company of said backstabbing bitches or they are on the path of becoming one, which is actually one and the same if you think about it. Which brings me back to not going back to that wretched place. I know I have no right to call it a wretched place; some people have it much worse than I do. But in this case, I don’t want to give a rat’s arse as to what is going on in the other people’s lives even if it makes me sound like a complete bitch!

so here are the reasons why I absolutely loathe the place:

1. The people of that place are SO CONSERVATIVE! And they JUDGE people like crazy! (I hate when that happens; why can’t people go about minding their own fucking business?)

2. I HATE that climate- it’s dark almost 7 months a year and it’s cold almost every night; makes getting up in the morning a pain in the arse

3. I am pretty sure that almost every person in the class would love it if I somehow disappear; not that they acknowledge me much even if I am there! Basically, my existence there doesn’t matter.

4. It physically hurts that I miss my home environment so much. I took my counsellor's advice and tried making my room just the way I want it- to no avail! It didn’t change the way I feel about the place. 

5. The fucking rules at the hostel! I get it that they are responsible for us but so many rules! And because three idiots chose to break the rules in front of our caretaker, whatever little amount of freedom we had is now down the toilet!

6. The hostel- I like having a room to myself, now that my roommate has left, but the toilets there- ugh! I’m surprised that we’re not getting urinary tract infections! There is one western styled toilet and the seat’s broken! And the Indian styled ones- why can’t these people put in a little extra money and get fucking flush tanks for all of the toilets?

The list isn’t gonna end here. It’s endless and I’m getting tired of typing anyway. 

The above list probably makes me sound a selfish, greedy bitch who only thinks of herself. But don’t I have a right to happiness? Yes, I need to adjust but what can you do even if you’ve tried to for 6 months? 

I need a solution to this. I don’t know how long I can keep pretending to like the place.

Sometimes, I just want to disappear into one of those fantasy novels- be a wizard, or a demigod, or one of the Selected, or divergent, or a Shadowhunter, or a runner- anything! Even if it means untimely deaths or constant danger throughout- at least I know that there’s adventure out there and probably a very handsome bad boy who you just can’t help but fall in love with! If only there was a Jace or Tobias or Percy or Harry or Maxon out there... if only the world was coloured by magic, Angels, Runes and of course, the Hogwarts Express!

 So many if onlys....

[tillyhavens]

Bad is an understatement

Yep... that's right, bad is an understatement when it comes to my performance in today's anatomy exams. It's my university exams right now, and I thought it would go well but NOOOOO!!!! It's like I'm destined to question every fibre of my being everytime there's even the slightest disturbance. But today's wasn't a slight disturbance. It was a hurricane!!! And the worst part- it was my fault. If only I had studied better... but how many if onlys do I have to put myself through?? If this is how it's gonna be everytime I write an exam.... damn that's some shit luck!! Today's paper, the essay- I didn't remember coz I had studied a loooong time ago. My heart sank when I saw that essay. My mind went crazy. Still, I tried to calm myself and looked at the other questions. Turns out they're worse. So what I do- I hope. I hope that I have a chance at passing. I hope I remember whatever I know. But the thing about hope is that it only gets you so far. If u can't remember, you can't remember. Hope will not change that. Maybe it'll give you that one flicker to get going but after that, you don't have anything to stay on the road. That's what happened to me today. I hoped and hoped and hoped that I could somehow remember and just freaking pass. But reality- a very little chance of passing. I guess I'm still hoping tho....

[tillyhavens]

Inferior

It's 2.47 in the morning and I'm crying all over my pillow in my hostel room, the tubelight shining in my eyes. My eyes are literally red. My lips are bleeding from the endless pinching and pulling of the skin. My stomach is growling as a result of a poor dinner and not having eaten anything for a while. My chest is burning because of the continued hyperventilation. Why- because I have exams the day after and I feel like... I know nothing!! Sqaut!!! I am a medical student still in her first year who is going to be facing her exams the day after. I don't know if it's the lack of preparation or simply my negativity blowing things out of proportion. But whatever it is- IT SUCKS!!! It's a crappy feeling and I hate it. But I'm guessing that hate stems from the fact that I feel insecure about myself and my knowledge. This inferiority complex is killing me from the inside and the sooner I do something about it, the better