time-2-vent - Tumblr blog

[time-2-vent]

If your curious, no, it's still not better. But there's too much to keep up with. I'm mentally exhausted.

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I havent been posting because im fucking exhausted and I can't keep up with it.

The daily abuse has not changed.

The only thing stopping me from offing myself is the idea that I might be able to move out with some friends soon unless something happens again

Im hoping for the best because I can't keep doing this much longer

Im just at my fucking limit and im barely holding on

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Im just tired. Not physically but.. life just sucks. I cant stay happy. The two people I care about the most in this world aren't doing well. The only people keeping me alive dont even want to be alive and im so tired. I just want happiness. Im cool with just being content and working my way to happiness. But right now is just so depressing and my energy is at 0. I dont know if im necessarily suicidal its more like I wanna go hide away and not talk to anyone.

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Can I just.. have 1 good day? Just one. I need 1 day where I can just be okay. Its overwhelming when nothing good happens.

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I wish I had more distractions. I have therapy on the phone in about 30 mins. So at least there's that. Trying to stick it out until them. Im so depressed. I feel like nothing.

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I am suffering

I just want people to listen to me and tell me its okay

I dont feel okay

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So. This is a master post about my grandma. Some of this has already been talked about here but I posted this on my private fb and wanted to keep it here too.

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Okay.. so. This is gonna be a long and detailed one.

Ive never had a space where I could vent about my grandma to more than just people close to me without being blamed or her finding out. The only family I have on here is my mom and im hiding this post from her for various reasons. I understand if many of you can't read all the way through this because its gonna be a lot. I just want the people around me to have a better grasp on exactly why im so depressed.

Before I start im gonna add a trigger list because there is a LOT and im probably going to be very emotional typing this. A lot of it ive never spoken about publicly.

So for a list of TW:

Emotional, physical, sexual, and animal abuse, r*pe, p*dophelia, racism, su*cide, hospitals, ableism, be******ty mention, fatshaming, weight mention, f slur.

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Okay. Im going to start at when I moved in with her. She tricked my mother into signing over custody of me when I was 10. When I was 9 years old I was forced into a mental hospital after being heavily overdosed on medications meant for adults to the point I was "sitting upside down in my chairs unresponsive and talking about tranquilizers" which i have no memory of. The hospital was probably the worst experience in my entire life and I was almost murdered by one of the older kids. After getting out of there I moved in with my grandma.

Throughout my life shes said and done so many horrible things to me. She would always yell and scream about the smallest mistakes. She used to pick me up by my hair. She was just fucking horrible to me.

Around the age of 10-11 when I started going through puberty she would always make fun of the way my genitals looked. She would ask me to stretch my labia out and move it around. Specifically she would ask me to "show me your bat wings". It was fucking disgusting but as a child I thought it was just haha funny joke.

For a while I thought I just imagined that until my mom brought it up to me and how she CAUGHT HER saying that to me multiple times. So I had confirmation that I wasn't just imagining it. I once confronted her about it and she immediately started crying (ive only seen her cry 3 times in my entire life) and told me if I ever said that again she would tell everyone in my family that I was a "prostitute" and would make everyone in my family hate me, and that it was my mother who did that to me.

My mom lived with me and my grandma for a few years but eventually moved out on her own because she couldn't handle my grandmas abuse.

My grandma dated my moms r*pist, which was my moms uncle, and told my mom she never got r*ped, and said my mom only fucked him for "attention and cigarettes". My mom was 12 at the time.

My grandma told me at 15 that the "only reason you think you're trans is because you got diddled as a kid"

My grandma called me a whore when I started becoming sexually active despite her having her first child at 16.

She once told me I was "just like my father" who is a sex offender and abused me as a child. I was also forced to give my at-the-time step brothers head when I was 3-5 and was taught that it was okay.

My grandma has called me every possible name in the book. Anytime she does something wrong its automatically my fault. She told me she would believe that im trans when I showed her my dick (at 16).

Shes incredibly rude and racist, says she hates how she can't understand Asian people. She's said the n word. She's made so many "jokes" about how "aggressive" Black people are. When my cousin found out he had Black in him she said, and I quote, "I always knew he had a n***r ass" which fucking disgusted me. Shes scoffed at my mother for limping. She scoffs at anyone disabled. Always says "you wouldn't catch me looking like that in public." She would tell my mom she was faking her pain. And coincidentally of all 4 of her kids, one was born with physical deformities. she says thats not the reason why, but she gave her up for adoption. She yells at anyone standing in her way who isn't aware. She is incredibly rude when she speaks to people to the point its embarrassing.

When I hung myself earlier this year and a friend came to pick me up she was yelling at me like "Oh so you went and tattled on me didnt you? Did you say oh boo hoo shes so abusiveeee!!" As I had literally just laid passed out in the snow from hanging myself.

When she found out I hung myself she bitched about how I had her snow boots and how she would have had to climb up the hill to find my fucking body as if it were a chore. She asked me if I wanted to be cremated out of nowhere and when I said no she replied "good I didn't want to have to pick your piercings out of your dead body" when I told her she made me want to kill myself she laughed at me and said "well then you'll never survive" my first suicide attempt was at 12 years old. A few weeks ago I started carving at my throat in front of her because im so desperate for her to LISTEN to me for 5 FUCKING SECONDS. I have legitimately cried on my knees and begged her to treat me like a person time and time again. She laughs at me and turns it around to my issues. She guilt trips me and makes me think everything is my fault. She calls me disgusting for having 1 or 2 shirts on the floor. She told me to MY FACE she will never see me as trans. Misgenders me, misgenders my friends. I jokingly told her one of my cis friends was trans, and when she left she asked me "does he really have a penis?" ABOUT A WHOLE ASS CIS WOMAN. She told me she ran over and killed a dog with a broken leg to "put it out of its misery" she would always use glue traps and I told her not to tell me about it so she waits until were in public and says "yknow whenever I catch a live mouse on one of the traps I throw it into a plastic bag and then go do the litter box to suffocate it". Shes threatened to make me pay the hospital bill when I called 911 because she was unconscious. She says horrible things to me EVERY FUCKIJG DAY. She's always making everying my fault all the time and sits and smiles while I'm sobbing and pouring my heart out because im tired of the abuse. Im so fucking tired. It goes on and on and on every day of my life. I literally slit my throat in front of her and she only stopped being mean for about a week. Im so depressed and mentally ill and this is beating on me every moment of my fucking life.

In not done but im shaking and need to stop typing for now

Edit: some other notable things, when my grandpa disowned me and stopped speaking to me for over a year she told me it was probably because of how disgusting I was. And "nobody wants to be around that".

She will ask me specific random questions about specific friends and if I dont know the answer or I forgot, she goes on a tangent about how terrible of a friend I am.

When I was cutting her hair she kept telling me I was doing it wrong, so I did it her way and she hated it and told me she's glad I didn't pursue hair because im terrible at it.

When my cat was dying she originally refused to take him to the vet because he was "just gonna die anyways so I might as well let him", then gave up her cat to the vet because she was peeing but didn't wanna take responsibility for that so she lied to them and said she showed up at her door and didn't tell them her age or even her name and that was so fucking cruel.

When she starts laughing at me sometimes she'll talk to me in a whiny "baby voice" and be like awwww, waaa im so abusedddd *mocks me crying*.

And she always talks in a tone that sounds pissed off and seems confused when I feel like I'm being scolded.

She gets in my face and puts her finger in my face and backs me into corners sometimes and then when I smack her hand out of my face she says she'll put me in jail for abuse.

Oh yea and simetimes when she gets mad at me she'll be like "ok GIRL" in the middle of me talking. Like its annoying and uncalled for.

I cant believe I forgot this holy shit. Years ago (was a minor here as well) I was attacked by my neighbors dog and it knocked me down and when I got home my grandma was accusing me of be******ty and said she was "watching it fuck me" and I was so fucking disgusted and hurt.. I try to block that from my memory because it was my third dog attack and I was traumatized.

She also regularly calls her brother a F@ggot. He is the only lgbt family member (he's gay) that i have.

She regularly fatshames people while only a few feet from them. And will whisper to me about how disgusting they look.

She asks for all of my friends deadnames and gets mad when I dont answer.

"I can't be abusive because I give you a home. I could have let social services take you."

"I cant be racist because my ex husband is Black"

"You must be living in a fantasy world where you make up shit that ive done."

"Id be depressed if I stayed in bed all day too."

"I need to learn to have lower expectations for you."

"I'm starting to resent you. So ill be taking 200$ a month for rent." (She has stopped this thankfully)(edit #2, she started taking it again im gonna be here forever lmao)

When I was underweight she would say things like "you look like an aids patient." And "Are you trying to look like your mother?"

"You're a hoarder"

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Life is very overwhelming to say the least. I wanna be better. I wanna be happy and healthy. Its just so fucking difficult. Being in my brain is constant torment and I just want to shut it off. Thinking about deleting this account if I cant private it. I need to keep a log of my feelings but im so paranoid someone will find this and post everything or figure out who im talking about in different posts and then they'll be mad and hate me. I feel scared in my own safe space despite being anon. The people who ive told this account about never look at it. Which is OK I get people forget and thats fine. But I dont know if I wanna keep this public anymore. Im tired. Im exhausted. The littlest things make me break down and cry. Everyone around me is falling apart as well. Im trying to keep people positive when I have none left in me. I feel like I'm just a walking empty shell. I feel pathetic and useless. I havent achieved much. Theres nothing im proud of myself for, nothing im looking forward to, nothing to do, and on top of that im trapped in a house with someone who makes me feel the lowest I can possibly go. I dont know how much longer I can live like this, honestly. Im so unhappy. I feel like my emotions are draining away and im shrinking away to nothing. The people who do take me seriously have no way to help me. Even seeing multiple therapists I just dont feel like people understand. Im legitimately suffering and my brain is deteriorating away and nobody sees it.

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So much has been happening that its been hard to document it all but I still want to die

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How else am I supposed to know if someone is lying to me without hurting anyone ?? I just feel like I have to hide how I truly feel to people. Bad things keep happening between myself and friends,, and people who i ended up losing as friends. And then everyone talks about me? I dont do things with harmful intentions. I really don't. But its so hard to fix my problems when people lie to me and say I'm doing everything right and then suddenly snap and think of me as a terrible person. I feel like things can be avoided if people tell me when im wrong or try to explain things to me. Im a good listener and with people I care about ill always make an effort to understand.

But I cant say these things to those people because I literally have no idea if any of this is offensive, and how I can say things differently because nobody talks to me.

Nobody necessarily owes me anything but when you're extremely close with someone, you wouldn't expect them to keep things like that from you. Especially when they're well aware im mentally unstable and trying to fix myself.

Its just difficult for me to wrap my head around and understand properly. I really just dont get it. I dont know what im supposed to do or say anymore.

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Somehow me asking people who are close to me to not lie to me so I can recognize and fix my issues is manipulative and i??? Dont understand.. how am I supposed to trust anyone?? I dont know who's agreeing with me honestly and who is saying it to avoid a disagreement. Im very open to learning new things and im open to discussion always. I wish people had more faith in me. It really drains me.

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Im crying again and I just can't help it. Its such an awful feeling when one of your best friends is just worried about you but the way they say things makes you feel absolutely fucking miserable. I already don't do well with unasked criticism but when you're telling me how horribly mentally ill I am over and over because of something you dont understand it fucking drains me. I dont want to tell them this or make them feel bad because I honestly feel like the intention was meant to be good but I cried so much over it last night and now im crying again I can't stop fucking thinking about it I wish it never happened I feel fucking terrible and God I absolutely hate myself so fucking much I wish people would listen to me and trust me instead of thinking im delusional and then lowkey blaming your panic attacks on me for a post that had a tw and no photos bc I only sent them to people who specifically asked. Its not my fault its not my fault its not my fault its not my fuckjng fault im just trying to be happy im not trying to hurt people whu is my happiness hurting people im going to lose everyone because everyone thinks im crazy and honestly shit like this is pushing me that way its not my FAULT

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Too many thoughts and nothing to get rid of them please go away

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I have ptsd from being forced into a mental hospital as a child and nothing infuriates me more than people trying to convince me to go back to one.

No.

Its literally not an option for me.

Please stop

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Art makes me happy please don't take art from me I have barely anything that makes me happy anymore and now im afraid to post because people are gonna call the hospital on me and im fucking mortified

This is the last place I feel safe posting I dont feel safe anywhere else and the sad thing is that barely anyone knows this account exists so it feels like nobody is actually listening to me im just freaking out and rambling bc it was just a very close friend who I knows cares about me

But I dont think people realize that what I do makes me so undeniably happy and I font have much of that left

I feel like I'm just scrambling for any source of happiness now and im paranoid because everyone i know is catching on that im not okay and its scaring me

I want people to listen to me and keep me in their thoughts but me getting better is something I have to do myself and repeatedly calling me mentally ill for something I see as art REALLY got to me and now I can't fucking stop thinking about it even though I wanna just ignore it

I feel like I have to watch my every word and every move because if something seems off then people will confront me about it

Idk what to fucking do or think I just want to be happy

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Oh hey guess who's back and depressed because people are taking my coping mechanisms that actually help me and telling me no thats bad when im on the verge of a breakdown and im just trying to make myself happy.

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I feel absolutely terrible im just sitting here sobbing in my friends room because I can't focus my thoughts and everything is just too overwhelming