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April 16, 2024

Washington Post Hikers kept climbing Hawaii's 'Stairway to Heaven.' Now it'll be removed. (Editor's Note: Given the state of things in the world, the 'Stairway to Heaven' is quite possibly being replaced by a 'Highway to Hell.')

CNN US expects 'limited scope' Israeli response against Iran, sources say (Editor's Note: Yes, I'm sure the administration feels reassured, given the 'limited scope' response Israel has shown in Gaza.)

CNN Colorado funeral home owners accused of mishandling 190 bodies charged with Covid-19 relief loan fraud, officials say (Editor's Note: This is a very curious headline. Were the funeral home owners accused of Covid-19 fraud? What did they do, prop the bodies up in the office and say they were employees? Or was it the 190 deceased people that were charged with relief loan fraud, and if so, isn't that trial going to be a real snoozer?)

Washington Post Could you be an impartial juror on Donald Trump's trial (Editor's Note: Not on the guilt/innocence phase. But if I tried extremely hard, I think I could be impartial on the capital punishment phase.)

Washington Post What colors fit you best? These apps help you decide your season (Editor's Note: We need apps to tell us what season it is now? What are we teaching kids in school these days anyway?)

NY Times After Decades of Delay, U.S. Will Limit Deadly Mine Dust (Editor's Note: Ordinary mine dust will still be allowed.)

NY Times Biden heads to Pennsylvania to Talk Taxes and Hit Trump (Editor's Note: Someone please tell the president that Trump is in New York right now. Although he has a very effective left jab, Biden's reach isn't long enough to cross state lines.)

NY Times The N.B.A. Postseason Is Beginning. Here's What to Know. (Editor's Note: The most important thing to know is that it will be over sometime in mid-June, so no reason to stress about it for a while.)

NY Times Caitlin Clark and the Best-Dressed Stars at the W.N.B.A. Draft (Editor's Note: Really, NY Times? What's the implication here, that Caitlin Clark wasn't best-dressed, or that the other "star" draftees don't deserve to be mentioned by name?)

NY Times A 3-Ingredient Roasted Cauliflower Soup That Is Practical Magic (Editor's Note: Personally, I think practicality kind of ruins the entire concept of magic.)

NY Times Compostable Bags for Food Scraps May Do More Harm Than Good (Editor's Note: As they say, no good deed goes unpunished. Thanks for that cheery story, NYT.)

CNN Mussolini's wartime bunker opens to the public in Rome (Editor's Note: If this doesn't work out, they can always convert it to an AirBnB for those seeking to avoid Rome's tourist rat race.)

CNN Courtney Love thinks Taylor Swift is 'not important' and has some thoughts about Beyoncé Lana Del Rey and Madonna, too (Editor's Note: A perfectly acceptable alternative headline would have been "Courtney Love is really, really desperate for attention.")

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March 12, 2024

CNN Rift between Biden and Netanyahu widens as Israeli leader vows to press on with Rafah operation (Editor's Note: It's rather like a parting of the Red White & Blue Sea.)

CNN Many Republicans plan to skip House GOP retreat as they grumble about location and spending time with one another (Editor's Note: Even the House Republicans don't want to align with House Republicans.)

CNN Biden drops campaign ad addressing his age (Editor's Note: To be fair, it's tough to count up all those years in a mere :30 spot.)

Washington Post France's love of frogs legs is contributing to species decline, experts warn (Editor's Note: BTW, has anyone seen Kermit recently?)

Washington Post How do I know if my spouse and I should file joint returns? (Editor's Note: I've heard that if you include joints with your returns it lowers your chance of an audit.)

Washington Post Jerk chow mein is a fiery example of third-culture cuisine (Editor's Note: Sure, but how do you know if your chow mein is a jerk?)

NY Times The 7 Keys to Longevity (Editor's Note: #1--Don't die.)

CNN US will contribute $300 million to Haiti's multinational security mission (Editor's Note: After weeks and weeks of haggling over whether to continue to support Ukraine, the Biden Administration scrounged and lifted the couch cushions and turned up $300 million to send today. Meanwhile, far below the radar, we're casually sending $300 to…Haiti...for 'multinational security'? Sheesh.)

CNN Former Jacksonville Jaguars employee who stole more than $22 million from team sentenced to 6.5 years (Editor's Note: And 15 yards.)

CNN Justice Barrett: 'Why should any of us want to obliterate the opposition or even see another person as the opposition?' (Editor's Note: Perhaps you should ask that of the January 6th defendants, Justice Barrett.)

CNN Trump labels Facebook the 'enemy of the people' in interview (Editor's Note: Or perhaps you should ask that of the former president, Justice Barrett.)

CNN India joins select group of nations able to fire multiple warheads on a single ICBM (Editor's Note: Well there's something to celebrate.)

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March 8, 2024

Washington Post That one last phone call Joe Biden always needs to make (Editor's Note: "Operator, oh, could you help me place this call? See the number on the matchbook is old and faded.")

Washington Post Trump posts $91 million bond while appealing E. Jean Carroll defamation judgment (Editor's Note: Clearly an appropriate presidential candidate.)

Washington Post Should I use diaper cream on my face? (Editor's Note: And there we have discovered the origin of the term 'buttface.')

Washington Post The 7 things house cleaners wish every client would do (Editor's Note: #1--keep their damn houses cleaner!)

Washington Post Carolyn Hax chat: How do I fall out of love with a married man (Editor's Note: It's time once again for You. Choose. The. Joke! Joke #1: Simple--do not fall in love with a married man. Joke #2: Simple--file for divorce. Now, You. Choose. The. Joke!)

Washington Post Expelled congressman George Santos plans another House bid (Editor's Note: And speaking of jokes…)

Washington Post Rupert Murdock is engaged again. No, seriously. (Editor's Note: Does this guy just have a full-time pre-nup writer or what?)

NY Times Donald Trump believes that his pick to lead he R.N.C. is more in sync with his views about voter fraud. (Editor's Note: "The party of Lincoln," now fully supportive of any fraud necessaryt to break the democracy. What a time to be alive.)

CNN Top US cybersecurity agency hacked and forced to take some systems offline (Editor's Note: Top cybersecurity agency hacked. Well, that's reassuring.)

CNN Do this now to ease you and your child's transition to Daylight Saving Time (Editor's Note: Teach your child (and yourself) to toughen up and deal with a ONE HOUR time change. Sheesh!)

CNN Former Honduran president found guilty in drug trafficking trial (Editor's Note: See, in some countries they actually do try and convict former presidents.)

CNN America isn't cool anymore (Editor's Note: Climate change strikes again.)

ABC News Italians cut back on olive oil as prices surge (Editor's Note: If we could just cause the price of salt to surge, everyone would be a lot healthier.)

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March 1, 2024

Washington Post Trump said he had $400 million in cash. Now his lawyers say bond is a struggle. (Editor's Note: Since he testified under oath that he has the cash, isn't that perjury?)

Washington Post Supreme Court divided over gun-rights challenge to Trump bump stock challenge (Editor's Note: The 'Trump Bump' is the 15 pounds you put on binge eating when you're worried we might have to suffer through another Trump presidency.)

Washington Post PETA says it 'rescued' racing pigeons from King Charles, urges end to sport (Editor's Note: Rescued, eh. You mean that sent in a PETA SWAT team to birdnap them. And now they want an end to all sport?)

Washington Post A U.K. company gives a second life to old stuffed animals (Editor's Note: Donald Trump is kind of an old stuffed animal, perhaps that's what the Trump Bump is all about.)

Washington Post Does the world really need an Eggo pancake vacation rental? (Editor's Note: Maybe, if it's right next door to the Log Cabin Syrup log cabin rental.)

Washington Post At Europe's sauna marathon, schvitzing is a sport (Editor's Note: Sauna Marathon? And I thought Americans were crazy.)

NY Times Trump Lawyer Argues 'Appearance of Impropriety' Is Enough to Disqualify Prosecutor (Editor's Note: So if that's true, how much actual impropriety is it going to take to disqualify Trump?)

NY Times They Promoted Body Positivity. Then They Lost Weight. (Editor's Note: So losing weight is now body negativity? Really?)

NY Times Could You Pass the Presidential Physical Fitness Test Today? (Editor's Note: Probably not. I'm working on my Trump Bump and body positivity quotient.)

NY Times The Ultimate Workout for Pickleball Lovers (Editor's Note: Be aware, it involves brining your feet.)

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February 28, 2024

NY Times Companies Were Big on CBD. Not Anymore. (Editor's Note: How do you miss the headline "Companies Were High on CBD"? C'mon, New York Times!)

NY Times Biden Undergoes Annual Physical at Walter Reed (Editor's Note: At this point, do they just count the rings on Joe to get an age estimate?)

NY Times Sore After Working Out? Here's How to Manage. (Editor's Note: Easy. Don't work out. I'm a problem-solver.)

Washington Post 'Star witness' testifies his claims about Fani Willis were only 'speculation' (Editor's Note: Between this guy and the Russian accused of lying to the FBI about the Bidens, the right-wing folks really have to recruit better actors and give them way better scripts.)

NY Times Why the long-term success of weight loss drugs may depend on exercise (Editor's Note: Duh.)

Washington Post Alabama judge says God opposes IVF. Religions hold varied views. (Editor's Note: My memory of Civics class is a touch faded, but wasn't there something about 'separation of church and state'?)

Washington Post Ask Amy: My wife keeps asking about her wrinkles. Should I tell her the truth? (Editor's Note: No. No way. Never. Not ever. Nein. Nyet. Just no.)

Washington Post Macy's to close 150 stores as it bets on luxury brands (Editor's Note: Typically when I think of luxury brands, Macy's is the first store that comes to mind…)

CNN 'Buy Now, Pay Later' CEO says this generation is the most financially responsible (Editor's Note: Which is why he's marketing the 'buy now, pay later' concept?)

CNN Bride in labor gets married in wedding gown of hospital's 'finest sheets' (Editor's Note: These kids today and their multi-tasking.)

CNN He's visited every corner of the Earth. Now he wants to try a very different challenge (Editor's Note: Having visited he corners, he's going to go for the acute and obtuse angles of the Earth.)

Washington Post Roasted Brocolli Tartine With Spicy Whipped Beans (Editor's Note: If beans are the musical fruit, spicy whipped beans may be the Flight of the Bumblebee.)

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February 27, 2024

ESPN Sources: Bucs to cut 2-time Pro Bowler Barrett (Editor's Note: Why was a professional football team employing a professional bowler in the first place?)

CNN 'Amusing insight' revealed in Marx's 'Das Kapital' gift to Darwin (Editor's Note: It turns out Marx had evolved into a capitalist!)

Washington Post Easy ways to make your kitchen happier and more functional (Editor's Note: We have to make inanimate things happy now? How much more oppressed syndrome can we take?)

Washington Post Florida surgeon general defies science as school tries to contain measles outbreak (Editor's Note: Does 'Florida defies science' even rate a headline any more?)

Washington Post The sun just launched three huge solar flares in 24 hours. What it means. (Editor's Note: It means double the sunscreen application, fools.)

Washington Post Is it better to recycle cans, glass, or paper? Our climate coach took your questions. (Editor's Note: What, recycling more than one of them is too much strain for you?)

Washington Post Could wearing high heels be good for you? (Editor's Note: It's done wonders for my calves.)

NY Times The Latest Frustration From Nike's M.L.B. Uniform Rollout: A Pants Shortage (Editor's Note: Major league culottes, the newest fashion trend.)

Washington Post Kellogg CEO under fire for suggesting cereal as a money-saving dinner (Editor's Note: If only he'd been speaking to a bunch of college students he could've gotten knowing nods and raucous applause.)

Washington Post 7 rules for red-eye flights: No bare feet or lavatory hogging (Editor's Note: Is there some reason these have to be limited to red-eyes?)

Washington Post Dozens of new species found 14,000 feet underwater (Editor's Note: This is what happens when the ocean sweeps everything under the rug.)

Washington Post Carpet stains seem to go away and then they reappear? What can I do? (Editor's Note: Far be it from me to criticize, but have you considered working on your scrubbing technique?)

Washington Post I used AI work tools to do my job. Here's how it went. (Editor's Note: You may find that if you keep using AI to do your job, how it went, will be 'away.')

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February 20, 2024

Washington Post Greece legalized same-sex marriage (Editor's Note: Greece is the word, have you heard?)

Washington Post What it's like to cover New York Fashion Week (Editor's Note: From what we can observe, New York Fashion is largely un-covered.)

Washington Post Ex-Trump aide Navarro faces contempt in White House email records fight (Editor's Note: It's not a fair fight--few people know more about contempt than Trump and his aides.)

Washington Post Falls are a leading cause of bone breaks, brain injuries for U.S. seniors (Editor's Note: Aren't falls a leading cause of bone breaks for people of most any age?)

Washington Post Burned by a bad snow forecast? Here are 5 tips from a meteorologist (Editor's Note: If you've been burned expecting snow, that forecast wasn't just bad, it was awful.)

Washington Post Glimpsing a papa bear in Georgia (Editor's Note: Georgia? Shouldn't that be Illinois? Papa Bear George Halas?)

Washington Post In what month are you most likely to die? (Editor's Note: I'm gonna take a wild stab and say September, 2052. Check back with me then.)

Washington Post Virginia labor unions come out against plan for new Caps, Wizards arena (Editor's Note: To be fair, the unions are merely providing an accurate representation of how the fans feels about those two organizations.)

Washington Post Utah senior center tackles loneliness with 60,000-piece puzzle (Editor's Note: That's right, they're going to use insanity to combat loneliness.)

NY Times The 'Unimaginable' Smell in Cape Town? A Docked Ship With 19,000 Cows. (Editor's Note: At the Headline Blog, we've been working feverishly on scent-strip Editor's Notes, precisely for a headline such as this. Unfortunately, the technology is just not ready yet. Or perhaps, fortunately.)

NY Times Do You Really Need to Shower Every Day? (Editor's Note: If you've been anywhere near those cows, once a day may not be enough.)

NY Times It's Time for a Reality Check on Eggs (Editor's Note: What's the setting on your egg timer for 'reality check?')

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February 16, 2024

CNN Trump reacts after judge orders him and companies to pay $355 million (Editor's Note: Just a reminder that every time Trump says these trials are a "political persecution," the star witness in this trial was his own CFO.)

CNN Skier records moose chasing him down ski slope (Editor's Note: Amazing footage. Who knew moose could ski that well?)

CNN Lift tickets at US ski resorts can top $250. See how much cheaper they are in Europe (Editor's Note: Sure, but when you factor in the cost of the commute…)

CNN Meet the cousin to the Mediterranean Diet (Editor's Note: It's known as the Florida Diabetes Diet. Nobody said it was a healthy cousin.)

CNN Rep. Matt Gaetz's ex-girlfriend subpoenaed by House Ethics Committee and is expected to plead the Fifth (Editor's Note: They'd offer her a shot from the fifth, but it's not clear she's old enough to drink yet.)

CNN Headbanging horse goes viral for its love of metal music (Editor's Note: "Mr. Ed Gone Wild!")

CNN Michelin Guide history: How did a tire company become and elite restaurant rating guide? (Editor's Note: Apparently it all started after one too many rubber chicken dinners.)

NY Times The Turtle Mothers Have Come Ashore to Ask About an Unpaid Debt (Editor's Note: Geez, Trump owes turtles too?)

NY Times The Couples Who Spent Valentine's Day at Ikea. On Purpose. (Editor's Note: They're trying to build relationships, but it's hard to put them together.)

Washington Post A dead whale raises a fresh question: Should you eat lobster? (Editor's Note: Apparently too many lobsters with butter sauce led to the whale's heart issues.)

Washington Post 5 ways to build or enhance one close friendship this year (Editor's Note: Obviously a trip to Ikea is involved.)

Washington Post We've been dating for over a year but haven't said, 'I love you' (Editor's Note: I believe that is the dictionary definition of Friends with Benefits.)

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February 13, 2024

CNN Super Bowl LVIII saw the biggest TV audience since the 1969 moon landing (Editor's Note: The Super Bowl was watched by an estimated 123 million Americans, roughly 37 percent of the population. The same viewing audience in 1969 was 61 percent of the population at the time. Math counts.)

CNN Nor'easter set to impact Northeast early this week (Editor's Note: Isn't that where the Nor'easter should be?)

Washington Post Why are Republicans more likely to suffer hearing loss? (Editor's Note: Wouldn't listening to their leaders make you want to lose your hearing?)

Washington Post Venice likes a good party, just not the crowds (Editor's Note: As the great Yogi Berra once said, "Nobody goes there anymore. It's too popular.")

Washington Post I lived inside a Vision Pro for two weeks. Here's what it was like. (Editor's Note: Wow, I had no idea the Apple headset was so roomy. It might be worth $3,700.)

Washington Post Can chocolate be a health food? What to look for in your favorite candy. (Editor's Note: Chocolate as a 'health food'. Finally, news we can use.)

Washington Post Trump will attend New York hearing on Thursday, but not the one in Georgia (Editor's Note: How disappointing it must be for him that he can't schedule his court appearances efficiently enough to attend them all.)

CNN Australian nude beach faces possible closure (Editor's Note: Do you think they actually meant "clother?")

CNN A 1940 shipwreck discovery in Lake Superior revisits an old mystery (Editor's Note: The Edmund Fitzgerald?)

NY Times What happens when your better half is worse in the kitchen? (Editor's Note: We're participating in a test study on this very subject!)

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February 9, 2024

CNN This tool will change the way you use the toilet (Editor's Note: Ah, CNN, getting to the bottom of the most important stories.)

CNN It's not just Taylor Swift: Record number of private jet flight expected for this year's Super Bowl (Editor's Note: It's reported that the average price for tickets on thge secondary market is $9,400. Suites are going to for $800,000 to $2 million. You'd better have a private jet if you're going to Super Bowl. You need it for collateral on your tickets.)

CNN Ford says it has a 'Skunk Works' team trying to make lower-cost EVs (Editor's Note: This could bring a whole new meaning to 'new car smell.')

CNN Canterbury Cathedral is hosting silent discos. Not everyone is happy (Editor's Note: Hmmm. Bad dancing to no music. It's surprising that anyone is happy.)

CNN It's suffering from overtourism. Now it's getting its own airport (Editor's Note: Well, that should help.)

CNN Eight years, 700,000 matches and 51 pounds of glue. The emotional rollercoaster of building the world's tallest matchstick Eiffel Tower (Editor's Note: Turns out you can move on from merely sniffing glue to doing something of note.)

Washington Post Putin, in rambling interview, barely lets Tucker Carlson get a word in (Editor's Note: I suppose we have to give the Russian leader credit for one good deed.)

Washington Post How can I avoid chatty trainers and instructors? (Editor's Note: The solution for this one is simple: stop working out!)

Washington Post Meet the people who love Spirit Airlines (Editor's Note: Yes…both of them.)

NY Times How 2 Irish Businessmen Almost Took Nigeria for $11 Billion (Editor's Note: Wow, two guys almost pulled off that whole Nigerian email scam. Amazing.)

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February 6, 2024

CNN He decided to move to Italy with his husband. Then his ex-wife bought a home down the road (Editor's Note: What is this, Netflix Italy's Grace and Frankie?)

Washington Post We all have hemorrhoids. Here's how to keep them happy. (Editor's Note: Because if there's one thing we can agree on, even in our badly divided society, it's that we all want to have happy hemorrhoids.)

Washington Post Why scientists are starting to worry about the moon shrinking (Editor's Note: I told you we never should have washed the moon in hot water.)

Washington Post Here's how to finally clean out your closet (Editor's Note: Here's an executive summary in just two words: Flame. Thrower.)

NY Times Bedrooms Aren't Just for Sleeping (Editor's Note: That's a little racy for the Times. Seems more like a NY Post headline.)

NY Times A Day of Dysfunction for House Republicans (Editor's Note: Also known as "a day ending in 'y'.")

NY Times How to host a winning Super Bowl party (Editor's Note: For starters, you have to move to either San Francisco or Kansas City.)

NY Times Trump has no immunity from Jan. 6 prosecution, appeals court rules (Editor's Note: So now it's all down to a stacked Supreme Court. You hoped you were done with Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell? Guess again, and it will be your fault.)

NY Times Kari Lake's leaked recording is causing trust issues in the Arizona GOP (Editor's Note: Lake leaks, trust dam collapses.)

Washington Post Alaska flight that blew hole had bolts removed at Boeing facility (Editor's Note: If you're working on an airplane door, and when you get finished, you have some parts left over…you're not finished.)

Washington Post Why don't the Amish water-ski? (Editor's Note: It's probably difficult to get the horses to pull the boat fast enough.)

Washington Post Hurricanes are getting so intense that scientists are proposing a new tier: Category 6 (Editor's Note: I blame Spinal Tap. This all started with turning the amps up to 11. There's just no numerical integrity any more.)

Washington Post Everyone is using the Apple Vision Pro all wrong (Editor's Note: First off, the Apple Vision Pro has been released for less than 96 hours. Not everyone is using it. Second, who are you?)

Washington Post Miss Japan 2024 made history. She gave up her crown over an affair. (Editor's Note: It was the most amazing abdication since King Edward!)

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January 23, 2024

CNN Police arrest California woman for allegedly stealing 65 Stanley cups (Editor’s Note: What’s even crazier is, she doesn’t even like hockey.)

CNN What the slew of Republicans now backing Trump may signal (Editor’s Note: 1. Insanity 2. Spinal fracture 3. Both)

CNN ‘We aren’t going anywhere’ Haley campaign says as New Hampshire voters cast ballots (Editor’s Note: When you think about it, it’s interesting how close ‘we’re not going anywhere’ is to ‘we’re going nowhere’)

CNN When you give the middle finger, this is what you’re actually saying (Editor’s Note: I wasn’t aware there was any confusion on this subject.)

CNN Nikki Haley sweeps 6-person midnight vote (Editor’s Note: We’ve received an official response from the Trump campaign: “It was rigged! Confiscate the voting machines!! The votes were all cast by Democrat infiltrators!!! Trump clearly received all six of those votes!!!!”)

CNN New Doomsday Clock times show how close the world may be to ending (Editor’s Note: “The world” isn’t ending. In the words of the great George Carlin, ‘The planet is fine. The people are f**cked.”)

CNN In-N-Out has never closed a location, until now (Editor’s Note: They’re changing the sign to Over-N-Out.)

CNN Mexico can sue US gunmakers, federal appeals court rules (Editor’s Note: So to review, the US can’t have reasonable gun regulations, but foreign countries can now sue US gun manufacturers. I’m sure it all makes perfect sense to someone.)

CNN These Japanese beef croquettes are so popular, there’s a 43-year waitlist (Editor’s Note: That’s a pretty big bet if you don’t order before you turn 40.)

CNN ‘This is not over’ Texas says after Supreme Court lets Biden Administration remove razor wire at US-Mexico border (Editor’s Note: When it comes to accepting a defeat from the highest court in the land, Texas is showing there is a fine line between ‘conceding’ and ‘seceding.’)

Washington Post The surprising environmental benefits of doing nothing (Editor’s Note: Hey, one of my key retirement strategies is helping save the world!)

Washington Post ‘Am I using too much weed?’ Ask yourself these questions (Editor’s Note: Really, if you’re asking yourself that question, you probably already know the answer.)

Washington Post Pastor accused of $3M crypto scam says he may have ‘misheard God’ (Editor’s Note: First we had ‘alternative facts.’ Now we have alternative scripture.)

Washington Post Bob Menedez’s golden rule (Editor’s Note: “You give me the gold, you get to make the rules.”)

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January 16, 2024

CNN What weight tells us about out health? (Editor's Note: A lot. it's a heavy subject.)

CNN Taking both erectile dysfunction and chest pain drugs linked with early death risk, study finds (Editor's Note: You know, the guy was just trying to go out happy…)

Washington Post Trump's biggest Iowa gains are in evangelical areas, smallest wins in cities (Editor's Note: Because if anyone's behavior could ever exemplify true Christian principles, it's Donald Trump.)

Washington Post Entrepreneur Vivak Ramaswamy ends bid for Republican presidential nomination (Editor's Note: Well, most new businesses do fail in the first year.)

Washington Post The best-case scenarios for Haley and DeSantis don't end in nomination (Editor's Note: There's a headline that is sure to fire up their campaign staffs.)

Washington Post Miss Manners: I hate being called 'dear' by strangers (Editor's Note: Congratulations! You have smaller problems than pretty much every single other living human today.)

Washington Post Can I ditch my PreCheck-less partner at security? (Editor's Note: Six months later, the therapist asks, "Tell me again the reason for your breakup?")

CNN Nikki Haley explains why she won't participate in next debate without Trump (Editor's Note: Apparently she prefers to be insulted to her face, rather than from afar.)

CNN Costco is testing out a new system for entering stores (Editor's Note: In an effort to make the Costco shopping experience even more exciting, customers will now be given the choice to enter the store by running through an active paintball zone, or by parachute.)

CNN 'Oldest ever dog' has title suspended amid investigation (Editor's Note: Perhaps the old dog really was up to some new tricks.)

CNN Moon plans dashed, the first US lunar lander mission in decades is still traveling through space. Here's where it's headed (Editor's Note: "Rerouting.")

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December 22, 2023

CNN He served the longest prison sentence before exoneration (Editor's Note: I know for a lot of people, making the Guinness Book of World Records is a bucket list thing, but this seems like an extreme way to go about it.)

CNN Buttigieg warns bad weather may impact holiday travel (Editor's Note: Is this a piece of learning we need to get from a Cabinet official? Is this new news in some way?)

CNN Older weight loss drugs are making a comeback as Zepbound, Wegovy remain out of reach for many (Editor's Note: You'd think older weight loss drugs would be past their expiration date by now.)

CNN NASA just beamed a cat video to Earth from 19 million miles away in space (Editor's Note: I see they're focusing on the hard science stuff at NASA these days.)

CNN Uranus' mysterious features on display in new Webb image (Editor's Note: Insert your own sophomoric joke here. It would be too easy for the crack staff, so to speak.)

CNN Trump says he's never read 'Mein Kampf' as he doubles down on anti-immigrant rhetoric (Editor's Note: It's entirely likely he's telling the truth here. I doubt Donald Trump has ever read anything much longer than a menu. But that doesn't rule out the audiobook version.)

CNN Tracking Donald Trump's indictments (Editor's Note: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that's your Republican frontrunner for President. A guy who is facing so many criminal indictments there needs to be a tracker for them.)

CNN 20 shoes that are perfect for traveling (Editor's Note: I'd think you could start with whatever NBA players are wearing these days.)

CNN The weather most likely to ruin your flight plans (Editor's Note: "We take you now to our ace weather reporter, Pete Butigieg…")

Washington Post Madonna used to be a provocateur. Now her music sounds timeless. (Editor's Note: I'm not sure if I agree with the musical assessment, but "timeless provocateur" would be badass self-description in a social media bio.)

Washington Post Golden Milk Sugar Cookies (Editor's Note: I don't know about you, but I'm not making anything with 'golden milk.')

Washington Post My son can dress himself, but some mornings refuses. Do I make him? (Editor's Note: Alternate solution--move to a nudist colony.)

Washington Post Octopuses help solve a long-standing mystery of West Antarctica demise (Editor's Note: Human scientists had wrestled with the problem for years, but could never quite get their arms around it.)

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December 13, 2023

CNN World agrees to new climate deal, making unprecedented call to move away from fossil fuels (Editor's Note: It's great that the world agrees, but isn't it the countries and the humans that have to make this happen? The world is gonna be here no matter how hot it gets. We're the ones in trouble.)

CNN 5 things to watch at CNN's town hall with Vivek Ramaswamy tonight (Editor's Note: 1. MSNBC. 2. ABC. 3. CBS. 4. NBC. 5. ESPN.)

CNN Biden's democracy pledge is in danger (Editor's Note: The 'pledge' really isn't the issue here. It's the 'democracy is in danger' part that's important.)

CNN Diverted Delta passengers spend the night in remote military barracks in Canada (Editor's Note: That's quite a diversion, eh?)

CNN Tesla recalls 2 million cars with 'insufficient' Autopilot safety controls (Editor's Note: I can just picture the person in the car screaming "Stop!" and the Tesla responding, oh so calmly, "I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that.")

Washington Post Pregnant women take a leading role in new legal battles over abortion (Editor's Note: Oh, now we give women choice--to fight their own legal battles.)

Washington Post N.H. Gov. Chris Sununu (R) endorses Nikki Haley for president (Editor's Note: The gov is bringing in that key New Hampshire voter tsunami for Haley, huh. Also, is it really necessary to note that Sununu is a Republican? Are there a lot of Democrats out there endorsing Nikki Haley?)

Washington Post How do I get my children to move more quickly? (Editor's Note: You used to be able to say "tasers," but I guess those days are gone now.)

Washington Post Satanism comes to the 2024 Republican primary (Editor's Note: Evidently, that must be the Christian far, far, far right.)

Washington Post DeSantis staffers blocked release of travel records, whistleblower says (Editor's Note: Any avid fan of the NBA knows how rare it is for a whistleblower to call traveling.)

Washington Post The world just made it clear the fossil fuel era is ending -- with some wiggle room (Editor's Note: Just how much wiggling can a fossil do?)

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December 8, 2023

NY Times The 71 Most Stylish People of 2023 (Editor's Note: Despite reading this article very carefully, twice, I could not find my name anywhere on the list. It turns out the Times really is filled with good reporters.)

NY Times E.U. Agrees on Landmark Artificial Intelligence Rules (Editor's Note: Along with climate change, the ability of regulators to keep up with the pace of tech development is the most important issue of the next 50 years.)

NY Times Michigan Teenager Who Killed 4 Students Is Sentenced to Life (Editor's Note: There's the leader in the clubhouse for most ironically phrased headline in 2023.)

NY Times My 70-year-old mother spends too much on porn. What should I say? (Editor's Note: "You'll go blind!")

NY Times Can't Sleep? Try Sticking Your Head in the Freezer (Editor's Note: Hmmm. That seems like a prescription for a very, very long sleep.)

NY Times How I Fell in Love With Middle Age (Editor's Note: Mostly it happened after I entered Old Age.)

Washington Post You asked: What does it mean to 'let the flavors come together'? (Editor's Note: I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like maybe they just need to be left in heat a bit longer.)

Washington Post Oldest, tallest, sandiest: Comparing America's quirky Christmas trees (Editor's Note: Sandiest?)

CNN Trump lashes out at court's gag order decision in election subversion case (Editor's Note: Doesn't seem like the gag order has all that much effect, does it?)

CNN The self-checkout reversal is growing (Editor's Note: That's right. Now when you go to a store, you have to check yourself in.)

CNN Companies invested $6.6 billion in ghost kitchens. Why they're now crashing (Editor's Note: Obviously because ghosts are lousy drivers.)

CNN Venice gondola capsizes after tourists stand to take selfies (Editor's Note: Going forward, such photos will be called 'sinkies'.)

CNN Pompeii archaeologists uncover bakery that doubled as a prison (Editor's Note: It's where they originated the phrase "that pastry is to die for.")

[timomaraus]

December 6, 2023

CNN Johnson says Jan. 6 footage will be blurred to protect Capitol rioters (Editor's Note: "The Louisiana Republican said during a news conference that he wants to make sure rioters don’t get prosecuted." Maybe we'll just let you ponder that for a moment.)

CNN Biden tells donors he's 'not sure I'd be running' in 2024 if Trump wasn't in the race (Editor's Note: Oh, Joe, don't say things like that.)

Washington Post Woman sentenced to fast-food job after hurling Chipotle bowl at worker (Editor's Note: Look out, customers!)

CNN Owner freaks out when all her chickens freeze simultaneously (Editor's Note: Yeah, well, imagine how the chickens freak out when one of them gets their head chopped off and starts running around.)

CNN Almost half the men surveyed think they could land a passenger plane. Experts disagree. (Editor's Note: The real problem isn't whether men could land the plane. It's whether they'd be willing to ask for directions to the airport.)

NY Times How Nations Are Losing a Global Race to Tackle A.I.'s Harms (Editor's Note: Who could have predicted this? Oh, only about 10,000 sci-fi writers over the past few decades.)

NY Times A Family Tries to Track Down a Lost Painting (Editor's Note: As a first step, they've stapled its name and photo on telephone poles all over town.)

NY Times Boris Johnson Apologizes at U.K. Covid Inquiry for 'Pain and Suffering' (Editor's Note: And that's just for people who had to look at his hair.)

NY Times Our Favorite Car Phone Mount is More Useful Than a Backseat Driver (Editor's Note: Well, that seems like kind of a low bar, doesn't it?)

Washington Post An iceberg three times the size of New York City is on the move (Editor's Note: And it's looking for trouble!)

Washington Post Trump says he wouldn't be a dictator 'except for Day One' (Editor's Note: And he has such a strong record of telling the truth and keeping his promises.)

Washington Post A single-serving chocolate chip cookie recipe for dessert emergencies (Editor's Note: If we're talking true emergency, a single-serving isn't going to solve it.)