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Twenty-One Years Old - May 8, 2018

At twenty-one years old I had already moved back into my mother’s home. While I was twenty years old I returned back to UC Berkeley for my junior year, but the influence of drugs, the home sickness, and the feeling of not really knowing who I was started to overwhelm me. But I had a few goals when I started my junior year. First, I wanted to excel in all of the programs I was apart of. Secondly, I wanted to stay in shape and join the Air Force Reserves. Third, I wanted to join the UCPD during my last couple years of undergrad. Fourth, I wanted to build a resume so that I could enter law enforcement after graduation. Fifth, I wanted to impose more self control and discipline in my life. Sixth, I didn’t want to have a repeat of my former addictions during my sophomore year. But those six goals did not fall through. Why? Because each goal I had was interdependent upon another goal, so if I failed or could not accomplish one of my goals it would effect my other goals even if it was in a minuscule manner. The first goal I was achieving, but the second goal I could not accomplish because the informations person for the Air Force Reserves stated that the tattoo on my right leg was too big, so I gave up. Looking back on that moment I should’ve just kept my tattoo size to myself and showed up, and let the people at the Air Force Reserves tell me to my face it was too big. The third goal I couldn’t accomplish it at that moment, because the UCPD officer I spoke to notified me that I needed to have a driver’s license, which I didn’t have at the time. The fourth goal wasn’t happening in my perspective at that time, because I could not accomplish getting into the Air Force Reserves or UCPD. The fifth goal I was enacting in my life, because I was going to the gym early in the morning for runs and weightlifting sessions, but not fully. Why? Because by not fully enacting the fifth goal it caused me to fail my sixth goal, which was not to perform a repeat of my past addictions, which I failed miserably at not trying to do. My addictions were going off the charts once again. In addition to that, UC Berkeley was stating that I owed a couple thousand dollars during the beginning of the semester which was money that I did not have. Due to my inability to pay that sum back at the beginning of the semester, UC Berkeley froze my transcripts and my student portal account so I couldn’t add or swap classes. At that moment I realized being at UC Berkeley was not the most beneficial environment for me. My mental health, physical health, my identity, my discipline, my self-respect, self-growth, spirituality, and emotional well-being were all being compromised while at UC Berkeley. So I left and went back down to SoCal. Moving back down to SoCal was the hardest move for me, because I was losing a huge part of my identity which was education. When I returned to SoCal I fell into depression and suicidal thoughts. I didn’t want to do anything. My mother told me she had no problem with me returning home, but she told me that I either had to work or go to school. But I kept trying to tell my mom I wasn’t mentally stable for that, but she didn’t fully understand where I was coming from. For the first couple of days being at home I was a caterpillar stuck inside of its cocoon. I laid on the floor in a fetal position every day, I wouldn’t talk, I wouldn’t move, I don’t even have the urge to use the restroom, I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t drinking water, I was crying for hours at a time, I was forcing myself to not even think about anything, I wasn’t on any social media, I even turned off my cellphone so no one could contact me, I was just sleeping because I didn’t want to be apart of this world...I wanted to detach myself from my situation, my grief and my self-pity. My siblings were scared and worried about me, they had never seen me so mute, so defeated, so weak, so unhappy. I remember both of my siblings asking my mom is, “Kalob going to be alright?”; “Is ever going to be the same?”. Hearing those sincere concerns broke my heart even more. But the final straw that sparked me to do something a little different was when my brother came back home crying, telling me he just wanted his brother back, telling me how he had told one of his close friends Dayron about my current mental state and situation. I was embarrassed that my brother had told a friend of my personal business, but more so I was disappointed in myself that I had failed not only myself but my brother, my sister, and my mother. My mother even tried to motivate me to read the bible, but it was hard for me to make that move because no one in my mother’s home actively seeks out and tries to read the Word of God. So my mother contacted my aunts Karen and Monica, who are hard core bible thumpers, and they talked to me. My aunts told me that I could come spend the night for a couple of days if I wanted to. And I decided that was a solid move for me to make, being around my siblings and mother wasn’t helping me either. I decided to move into my aunts home, instead of just sleeping over. From September 2016 to March 2017 I lived with my aunts and grandmother, and trust me when I say it was a very transformative experience. When I moved in I once again was doing the same things I was doing at my mother’s home. I was stuck in a fetal position on the couch. But my aunts kept trying to talk to me and ask me questions, conversations that I did not want to participate in. So I asked if they had a bike and they said, “Yes”. So I asked if I could use the bike to exercise on. And they said, “Yes”. So I took the bike and escaped. I did something I had not done during my first week back in SoCal. I actually got up and took the initiative to go outside. When I hopped on that bike I started riding around looking for drugs, thinking that a drug was going satisfy me better than anything else. But I could not find any drugs. When I returned back to my aunts home from back riding they were already outside on the porch. And its as if my aunts had read my mind or my intentions to ride the bike. And my aunts asked in unison, “Were you looking for marijuana?”. And I said, “Yes I was”. So my aunt Monica said, “You should’ve just told us. I know a weed shop that I can take you to. Don’t buy weed off the streets, because people sometimes lace the weed with other drugs”. So my aunt Karen drove me to the weed shop. When we made it back to the house, I broke down the weed, split open the Dutch cigarillo, stuff some weed inside, rolled up the weed, and sparked the blunt. The euphoric feeling I thought I was going to have to come, but it didn’t last how long as I thought it would. I immediately started becoming extremely paranoid. I started contemplating all the things I had done in my life. I felt that I was a very selfish person, who had never truly loved anyone; and so I ran away from my aunts crib. Why? Because I even felt like my aunts were toxic for me as well. As I started running towards 94th and Budlong, I contemplated what I would want to do with my new acquired freedom. So I started digging in my pockets and I found: a lighter, a blunt, some weed in a canister, Dutch wraps, over $20, and my cellphone. After that discovery, I decided that I was going to go to the liquor store, buy some alcohol, smoke the rest of my weed, and kill myself. When I reached the liquor store I noticed that a prostitute was standing outside, she approached me and asked if I was interested. I told her yes and asked how much. And she said $20. I said ok. So I went inside the liquor store to break the change and I bought a condom. I remember the cashier looking at me, then her, and shaking his head, because he knew what were about to do. I followed her to her crib, and she led me upstairs to her room. Right before we entered her room, there was a young guy probably in his 20s who acknowledged. At that moment I assumed that was her pimp, and I started feeling anxious. I had watched several movies, where men had solicited sex from prostitutes, only to be killed and robbed by either the prostitute or the pimp. When I entered her room, she turned on her tv and played some pornography and then she sat down on the bed. I unzipped my pants, pulled my penis out, opened the condom wrapper, and began sliding the condom down the shaft of my penis. Once the condom had been put on, the prostitute started performing oral sex on me, but I couldn’t get an erection due to my fear and anxiety. So I told her to stop and that I had changed my mind, but that she could still keep the money for her time, and I quickly speed walked out of that house. I started walking around. I called a couple of my fraternity brothers Morino, Mata, and 50; to tell them that I loved them and appreciated them, but that I was tired of everything and that I was going to end my life. They begged and pleaded me not to, but I didn’t continue to listen and I hung up. Next I called Tommy and Erin, in order to meet up with one of them, and smoke some weed and drink, and then kill myself. But I believe Erin was either busy or I didn’t want to hang with him. And Tommy was way too far, all the way in Redlands,CA. So I kept walking until I found a tree that was secluded in the dark, and I approached it and lay down under the tree. I remember the ground being so comfortable, and soft, and cold, and the darkness having such a calming effect on my mind and body. As I laid on the ground, I planned to get up and jump in front of a car, so I would die. (To be continued)

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Twenty Years Old - August 9, 2016

At twenty years old, I owed thousands of dollars to my university. This massive debt that I owed caused me to fall into depression and anxiety not knowing whether or not I would be officially registered as a student for the Fall 2016 school semester. In May of 2016, I arrived home to Long Beach, California where I went to the Department of Public Social Services in order to apply homeless and I received Food Stamps. After receiving these government benefits, I proceeded to apply to a staffing agency called Staffmark and started working at a factory called Gordon Laboratories Inc for about a month and a half, then I proceeded to get relocated to a factory called General Mills. I decided to work at factories this summer in order to pay off the debt I owed to my university. To this date on August 9, 2016 I’ve payed off the $1,000 I owed to my university. On December 2015, I decided to embark on a transformative journey in which I lost 110 pounds and went from originally weighing 335 pounds to weighing 225 pounds currently. When I go back to school on Monday, August 15 I plan to enlist into the Air Force Reserves. At twenty years old I will be entering the University of California at Berkeley as a: Junior, a fraternity member, External Social Chairman of Pi Lambda Phi Fraternity, Rhetoric Society Member, Political Section Editor for UC Berkeley’s Rhetoric Undergraduate Journal, and a exercise enthusiast.

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Fifteen Years Old August 9, 2016

By the age of fifteen years old I had joined the football team at Susan Miller Dorsey High School and started having aspirations of playing division 1 football at any college. Ultimately by the end of my high school career I had an opportunity but it was to play Division 3 football at Lawrence University, so I decided to opt out and attend the University of California at Berkeley instead. At 15 years old I was focused on school but didn’t take it as a serious option for another avenue of life, besides walking the streets of Los Angeles, California.

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Eleven Years Old - August 9, 2016

At eleven years old, specifically during my 6th grade year at Palms Gifted Magnet Middle School, I missed my entire second semester of classes because I had to take care of my mother who had went through a traumatic surgery. From that point I needed to help my mother bathe, I had to go grocery shopping, I needed to make sure my family ate, and that my brother and sister were going to school.

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Ten Years Old - August 9, 2016

At ten years old, I was robbed at knife point. Why is this important? My neighbor and friend, an older man in his 50s saw me getting robbed by an 18 years old, yet he allowed it to happen and it sparked my distrust in others while igniting my sense of self worth. Why? Because I realized I could no longer be dependent on others to assist me in times of struggle, but that I needed to strengthen myself on my terms in order to assist myself in the struggle. After this incident my mother moved our family into a gated community and I felt more comfortable/safe to focus on my studies.

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Five Years Old - August 9, 2016

At five years old I moved to The Jungles, a small subsection in Los Angeles, California. Why is this important? During my time in this neighborhood a former gang banger turned crack head tried to injure me by throwing a large cinder block in my direction, but it missed me and he arrested by the police that same day. I sent my stepfather to jail by calling 9-1-1 after seeing him landing punches with his fists on my mother’s body. I read an autobiography by Cesar Chavez to my 1st grade class. Why is this important? My 1st grade teacher Ms. Cross at Hillcrest Elementary School tried skipping me to the 3rd grade, but I had behavioral problems and was constantly getting in fights.

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Catfish 7/11/16

Catfish is an urban term, which means that someone perpetuates one identity and then once seen in person, the actual identity is a stark difference then their social media appearance. I had this experience from a young lady that I matched with on Tinder. Despite her appearance I continued to go over to her home, 3 nights in a row in which I had to finally admit that I wasn’t attracted to her and there was no further use of me going over to her home.

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Summer 2k16 7/5/16

Since I left Berkeley in May of 2016, I’ve come down to Southern California to stay with my mother and siblings in Long Beach. While in Long Beach I started looking for means in which I could support myself, specifically monetarily. Within a week of being in my mom’s home I applied for homeless at a local department social services building, in which I was provided with cash aid and food stamps. The benefits provided by DPSS allowed me to buy food for my family, and allowed me to pay my mother back for using her credit card to pay my phone bill of $71.14. After applying homeless and receiving my benefits, I started to look for job openings, hoping that I could land a job within at least 2 weeks. After about a week being in my mom’s home, I heard back from a staffing agency by the name of Staffmark, which stated that they had hired me and just needed a fewer extra steps on my part in order to verify my identity and criminal background for the job. After turning in additional items to the staffing agency I was notified that I had been assigned to Gordon Laboratories Inc as an order puller. On my first day of the job, I wore a black shirt tucked into my blue levi jeans wearing some Timberland boots, and a black back brace. During that first day as an order puller at Gordon Laboroatories I was assigned to line 5 in which my duty was to collect flat boxes, prop them open, place lables on them, and then hand these same boxes to women who were working on the assembly line. Once these women on the assembly line packed products into the boxes, I then had to collect the boxes and place them on a wooden pallet. This specific part in which boxes were placed on the pallet, was called palletizing, once I was done stacking the boxes I had to grab shrink wrap and cardboard sheets in order to make sure the job was done well. In addition to needing a job, there are 3 seperate debts that I owe: one to my university, another to a past phone company, and finally one to my fraternity. For my university I owed $965.00 and have payed $940.00, with me still owing $25. For my past phone company I owed $586.00, but I’ve payed $50 so far with me still owing $536.00. An finally for my fraternity, I owe $1,750 but I haven’t deposited any money towards that balance yet. As for my health, I went to the dentist and I had several cavities and need my wisdom teeth to be extracted. I’m on my way to attend the doctor’s office for a physical examination later this week. Also, I finally had sex with a girl that I’ve been trying to sleep with for 2 years this summer, it was an experience and one to add to the memory books, but more than likely will we never have sex again. I started using this dating app called Tinder, and I’ve made several matches with young ladies; even though I believe 2 out of the 9 are imposters who were trying to probably pull a scam on me. Besides that I met up with a girl named Malesha that I matched with that same day and we went to the movies to see Finding Dory. At the movie theaters she showed up almost an hour late, and I had to exchange our tickets for 6:30pm for 7:25pm. During the movie previews, she pulled a bong out of her purse, with me getting water from the restroom, and we took bong rips in the movie theater with children and parents around us. After the bong rips, we proceeded to the concession stand grabbed popcorn and soda, then proceeded back to the movies where we sat back, ate, laughed, conversed, and cuddled during the movie Finding Dory. During the movie I asked for a celebratory kiss, because Dory found her parents but she said no and it didn’t happen. Despite the no, we moved forward and continued to watch the movie, make jokes, and eat. After the movie, she was in the bathroom for a while, we left and I began to walk back Lakewood to the Parwoods. As I walking back, Malesha and her mom pulled up offering me a ride back to my mom’s home, in which I accepted. I will no longer be receiving cash aid, because I asked my case to be terminated on July 31st. I’ve been accepted to an African American Male Leadershape Institute in which I’m on a all expenses paid trip to go to Champaign, Illinois. I’ve been elected as the External Social Chair Man for my fraternity, and I’ve been sticking to my agenda. My brother has gotten into boxing, and is en route to becoming a professional boxer. My sister is doing dance classes. I have 2 more years, at my university in total 4 semesters and a summer to complete 62 units en route to graduation. Besides that before I left Berkeley, I was dealing with depression, an inability to speak, MONEY PROBLEMS, and drug abuse. As of right now I’m just experiencing each day, planning each week, each month, and each year. I’m not allowing my emotions to override who I am. I am the master of my own temperament, performance, and destination.

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Young Omni 12/14/15

Dear Self,

I want to start off by saying I haven’t wriiten anything on Tumblr in about 5 months. Wow! That’s a long time in my standards. That really just means in these past 5 months you’ve experienced a lot. Let’s reflect on these past 5 months by breaking them into 3 themes: summer, first half of Fall semester, and second half of Fall semester. During the summer you worked tow jobs as a security monitor and peer academic counselor. While also taking two classes: Music during session A and EPS during session D. You recieved an A in Music, but an F in EPS due to you slipping into depression. During the summer you partook in a lot of drugs, alcohol, and parties which may have been stimulants to the low I was feeling. 2 weeks before fall semester started you went home and saw Straight Outta Compton with your family; overall a great experience. A day before you left, you went to a karaoke bar with Yarie, Blaq, his son, and your Moms. Yarie was tripping as always, trying to tease and make you jealous. And us usual you allowed it to irritate, but not as intenseley or long as usual, because you knew your Moms happiness was the most important. During the first half of the Fall semester you went crazy: taking a wide variety of drugs, going to concerts, tailgates, parties, football games, and raves. You definitely lived a bosses life for about 2 months. Despite the added list of festivities you managed to fit in studying, working, turning in assignments, papers, and brotherhood activities (not at the top level you know you possess though). Before entering the start of the 2nd half of your Fall semester you took a specific drug that allowed you to reach a new level of conscious in which you were able to remove yourself from the physical world and re-evaluate yout entire life and the decisions you’ve made to lead to this point. This specific drug allowed you to multiply 10 fold the amount work you were already doing. As of right now you’re taking 4 classes for letter grade -- handle it. In terms of females: once again you’ve managed to go in with the agenda to fuck, but go through the process as if you’re trying to date/fuck, and I either fuck it up due to moving too fast, hitting up the female too fast, or by not being patient which makes sense for a guy just trying to f***k. But in order to increase the success rate I need to: become more patient, tone up, create my brand, and keep swagging. Last weekend you had a banquet and took this girl that you’ve never really payed attention too -- low key ignored her for a 1 1/2. Tried hitting on her after gave me the swerve. So as of right now Im playing it cool and waiting until after the New Year to try one more time. You know me I have to try a couple of times, before I quit. In terms of personal agendas: finish this semester, enjoy classes next semester, close out with one of these females that you want (both in the bay and la), keep writing, expanding vocabulary, catch up with mentors, tone up, and enjoy my life......and winter break.

Sincerely,

K.J. Houston aka Omni

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Self Discovery 7/17/15

Dear Self,

There are moments when I contemplate if self progression is the way to go. Due to the fact that every time I try to elevate myself socially, financially, and academically there are certain nuances that occur. These nuances manifest themselves into people that don't want to see me succeed, educational institutions that repeatedly oppress my blackness and make me recede to the farthest outskirts of the classrooms, a society that sends macro-aggressions towards minorities while enabling a judicial system that expedites cases surrounding hate crimes an allows its offenders to get off on minimal charges, and finally a economic system that continuously elevates the elite 1% of America while simultaneously diminishing the middle class and  relinquishing the governmental services available to the poor. As I walk through the shadows in these valleys full of death I ask myself do I keep on striving or do I allow my circumstances to inhibit my progression. And finally I say to myself no because the content of my character and the resolve that I have constructed are stronger then the trials and tribulations that come my way.

Sincerely,

Kalob J. Houston

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Love 6/21/15

Dear Self,

I recently just met a girl. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t stop thinking about her no matter what. For the first time since my ex I’ve found a girl that i’m completely attracted to both physically and mentally, which is a very extravagant and rare thing to find. Whenever I’m in her presence I appreciate every moment of it, and make sure to capitalize off of every second as much as I can. The first time I met her I felt an instant attraction but didn’t read too much into it. But after the second time seeing her and talking to her I realize this was a girl that I was completely infatuated with and couldn’t resist the temptation of talking to her, looking at her, and smiling with such a chestercat like smile. This past Friday I decided to wake up very early in preparation for heading to her job so that I could spend a much longer amount of time with her. At first I felt as if I was being abrasive but then I quickly absolved those thoughts by reassuring myself the urges and temptations I was feeling was quite normal for someone in my dilemma. So after getting dressed I quickly headed to her job and from there everything just went perfect: she had prepared a lunch from leftovers that she had cooked the previous night and went on to share it with me, next we decided to go and get some ice cream together, after that we went back to her job and she started proposing for me to play certain love songs, once the love songs started to play she proceeded to start recording us singing with each other. Overall that day was one of my best moments with a young lady since i’ve been in college. I’m suppose to be going to PRIDE with her next weekend on Sunday. I’m hoping, praying, and wishing that everything works out on that day and that we have a wonderful time, which hopefully transpires into us progressing further from flirtatious associates/friends to being a couple.

Sincerely,

Kalob J. Houston

P.S: I really think she is the one. Finish what’s been started.

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May 16, 2015

Dear Self,

I just finished my freshman year at the #1 Public University in the world. As I sit here and reflect upon this time. I realize that during my Fall semester I was lost and didn’t really no what path or major I wanted to be involved in. My main focus was to join the social scene as fast as possible which wasn’t hard it, within a week a fraternity had already given me a bid (which is an invitation to join a fraternity as potential new member). I quickly enveloped myself within this fraternity taking leadership positions as President of my pledge class. As the days, weeks, and months progressed I lost my focus on what was most important and why I had come to UC Berkeley. My only goal during fall semester was to be a good president for my pledge class and make sure that we all transitioned from pledges to brothers of Pi Lambda Phi fraternity. After I became a brother I know longer felt the pressures of having to prioritize it over everything else. During winter break I allowed myself to relax and to enjoy what I had in life. About two weeks into winter break my Fall semester grades were released and as I looked at them my heart sunk. I fell into despair due to my inadequacy in my classes and felt too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it. But then I remembered that every successful person in this world has had their trials and tribulations and the true test of their merit and character, was whether or not they were going to allow those obstacles to defeat them. I decided that day that I was going to rise to the occasion and improve in every area that I had slacked off on during Fall semester including: poor attendance, not doing assignments, not doing readings, procrastination, not studying, not taking effective notes, and overall just not being a good student. I honestly feel like I’ve improved in all of these areas and even though I’m not perfect in each category I feel more confident in my capabilities as a student at UC Berkeley. Now the reason I started to type this reflection is due to the fact that I’m going to be ending my 1 year stint leaving in the dorms and its kind of bittersweet. On one hand I’m going to be living in my fraternity house for now on with free wifi and washing/drying, I’m going to be in a house full of my brothers, and I’m going to be living in a fraternity house lol. But on the bitter side I’m going to be leaving a pace that I’ve built so many memories in and I’m going to be leaving a roommate that I’ve had a lot of up and downs with but overall has turned out to be really cool person and friend. As of right now I feel very empty because I feel like there is nothing for me to with my life as of this moment. This aforementioned sentence may seem likes it foreshadowing depression but I promise you its not, I’ve just become more of an introspective person since I’ve been here. Overall though I’m having the best time of my life. 

Sincerely,

Kalob J. Houston aka Juicy

Class of 2018

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Not Four Years But A Lifetime: The Day I Lost Hope and Found It Again

Dear Self,

There was a moment when I lost hope in my fraternity. When I displaced my anger upon on it and stated that "Im tired of the house's ideology and its misperceptions of individuals. I'm focusing on myself from now on." There was a moment when I was so angry that I could no longer face anyone or even stomach the thought of looking at my fraternity. This was the darkest of times when I viewed my inability to attain what I wanted in the house, as the upmost betrayal to all that I had sacrificed. But there was a moment in these darkest of times, when a very few of my brothers decided to rise from the shadows and rescue me from the darkness of my hatred. But still those sacrifices they made only mitigated the pain I felt. It wasn't until tonight when I saw my brotherhood all come together for the first time and sacrifice apart of themselves for a cause that was a bigger than them. A moment when my fraternity decided to pay for a roundtrip plane ticket for one our brother's to go to Guatemala and see his dying grandmother for the last time. It was this sacrifice that healed my wounds, that made me feel and realize that the sacrifices I had made were for a good cause.

Sincerely,

Kalob J. Houston

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Link to College Writing N2 Final Digital Presentation. http://youtu.be/ot9zZSrc940

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25 posts!

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Going into week 5 of Summer Bridge at Berkeley. A list of the progression I've had at CAL as a writer/reader/thinker.

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Week 4 of Summer Bridge at Berkeley. Here is a list of the things I still want to work on as a writer.