tinyperson00-venting

[tinyperson00-venting]

Just now starting to realize that my 'oh well, if I die I die!' Approach to life that I've had since I was 10 isn't actually normal ;-; like..-

jump of a bridge with shallow water underneath? Oh well, if I die I die!

take contradicting medication at the same time? Oh well, if I die I die!

run headfirst into danger even when I know my body can't handle it? Oh well, if I die I die!

going out in the snow wearing little to nothing and flip flops? Oh well, if I die I die!

Stay up for 48 straight hours while doing extreme physical work? Oh well, if I die I die!

got appendicitis and wouldn't even cry through the extreme pain? Oh well, if I die I die.

held at gunpoint for gun defense in karate class with no real reaction when the person fires (nerf guns) even when everyone else is flinching and shouting? Oh well, if I die I die.

Gutting sucker punched in the gut so many times I can't breathe? Oh well, if I die I die.

continuing with 8 hours of heavy level black belt camp even when halfway through my heart started acting up and I went tunnel visioned? Oh well, if I die I die.

running out into traffic hoping no one's coming? Oh well, if I die I die.

stopping with all hygienic things because I just can't keep up anymore? Oh well, if I die I die..

Dropping out from school and isolating myself from everything and everyone? Oh well, if I die I die..

getting suicidal thoughts nearly daily and almost following through a couple times? Oh well, if I die I die..

not eating or taking my Iron pills anymore even tho I'm anemic and dangerously underweight? Oh well, if I die I die..

Purposely angering people and pressing buttons so they get physically violent with me? Oh well, if I die I die..

[tinyperson00-venting]

Running and hiding after finally posting this 🤩

total time: 6 hours, 5 minutes

[tinyperson00-venting]

Earlier today I somehow ended up trying to vent a bit to my middle sister, and just the very surface level stuff that goes on with me literally caused her to cry hysterically and hyperventilate worse than I've ever seen...

I just decided to go back through my messages with ace to find some of the screenshots I sent them back when I was still with my ex since he was the main reason I got so bad, and suddenly I realize why I spiraled so badly the way I did.. bro he literally killed the sweet optimistic girl I forgot I was 😭 I literally fucking hate everything right now, because I'm slowly realizing that I've turned into the person he described me as back then as well.. I had literally forgotten and blocked out every bit of this, and reading it back over broke something inside of me omg

I'll add in the screen recordings and screenshots I found, but fare warning this was the end of 2023, very beginning of 2024 - meaning it's slightly cringy and whatnot. But omfg-

also I gave up on filtering out mine and his name, he also mentioned another boy who I've talked about in a previous post. Please just uh.. if anyone does see this, don't repeat or say my irl name anywhere on this platform 🙏 I only left it unfiltered here since there were way too many instances for me to get rid of them all, and hardly anyone sees this account.

you have been warned

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Keep in mind, this is the same guy who SA'd me and convinced me it was normal, then proceeded to emotionally manipulate me, turn all my friends against me, and the harass me for 6 months even after I broke up with him ;-;

[tinyperson00-venting]

Is it bad when I start dreaming of me and a guy I used to be friends (??) with getting back together simply because I started rereading a comic where the 2 mains remind me of both myself and him..??

that is literally what he looked like, and that is what I look like as well, and the personalities are also spot on which makes it even more personal and whatever, but abahsjsjahhhh

It's like physically hurting me at this point because I know I messed up our relationship last year and ended up in an abusive and manipulative relationship instead, but never told anyone about it. I seriously did really like the guy as well, and we dated before but we were still pretty young so idk if it even counted

ahsjaodjsgairj

[tinyperson00-venting]

[tinyperson00-venting]

just found out that my younger cousin (he's almost 6) is also incredibly intelligent as well and also is beginning to struggle with the same thing I did when I was his age

oh my poor guy, just you wait

[tinyperson00-venting]

that feeling of not wanting to exist os starting to come back tenfold

[tinyperson00-venting]

dude- I was talking to someone yesterday and they straight up said:

It would seem that because you understand complex things easily, the world seems obvious to you. That can lead to frustration when others don't see it the same way. Does this sound accurate?

never have I ever been able to directly pinpoint and describe that feeling until this I'm not even joking this is like spot on

[tinyperson00-venting]

me: yea no, I'm not lonely at all!

also me: ...

[tinyperson00-venting]

My sister say my problem is that I'm 'too smart'

I'm lonely because no one understands what I say, because what seems like just common knowledge to me is actually mind boggling concepts that take people a while to understand.

I'm angry because people don't understand, because what takes me seconds to figure out or make sense of takes someone else an obnoxiously long time to even begin to grasp it.

I'm sad because I can see what the world really is, because I understand what is happening and I can see how corrupt and backwards things are in the outside world right now.

I'm numb because I understand that other people have bigger issues, because I know how to read people and see that they are struggling and that no one truly cares what I'm going thru.

I'm guilty because I know that what I'm doing will affect someone else's life in the long run, because I understand how things play out and how consequences exist and extend past present generations.

I'm scared because I am able to see how things play out before they even happen, because I realize what's going on and I start to place two and two together to form a final picture.

I'm regretful because I was born different, because I was born into a world that will never fully understand me or what I'm going through..

and that's just the reality I'm forced to face every day for the rest of my existence.

[tinyperson00-venting]

I think I'm giving up again..

[tinyperson00-venting]

Relapse goes hard with everything in my life slowly going to shit again ✨

[tinyperson00-venting]

i think I'm relapsing back into the suicidal thoughts and downward spiral

[tinyperson00-venting]

Had another mental breakdown over my mom yelling at me to shower and whatnot, so I finally did a bit of research after calming down to find what the hell is wrong with me.. I think I've figured it out

[tinyperson00-venting]

A few days ago my partner at Karate asked me whether or not I'd have a bday party since I have a big number coming up, which my bday literally isn't for months so it was kinda odd.. but I told her no, and she asked me why so I straight up had to tell her that it was because 1. I have no friends, 2. My parents can't afford it, and 3. My dad wanted to focus on my mom this year and genuinely forgot about me (I share a birthday with my mom)-

soooo, yea .-.

[tinyperson00-venting]

I guess maybe she doesn't realize, but stuff like this seriously triggers someone with a mental state as bad as mine. I've told her before vaguely that I had some mental problems and get triggered when she says this type of stuff, but she continues anyway. It's like this girl only ever talks to me to complain about her 'enemies' or her 'terrible life of luxury' or flaunts a super cool or expensive trip she went on to me. Maybe she doesn't realize it, but she either talks over me in person, or ignores me over text when I try to add something or speak. I don't think she really means anything bad by it, but whenever I seem to start talking or texting, she always seems to have to go and leave. When we talk during karate class, she usually just rants about her 'ex friends' or how weird I am. She keeps telling me that I should 'respect and fear her' since she's a higher belt ranking than me as well, which I more or leas just ignore every time because to be honest she's not much better than I am since I'm only one or two below her. I want to like her since she is kinda my only friend other than Ace, but she makes it really hard and I usually just feel like shot afterwards. She has made it very clear tho that she will "hate my guts and never forgive me If I betray her" .. ;-;

what is wrong with my selection of people in my life..? It's as if I'm always getting drawn to the worst people. Really loosing my grip and reason to live again too, gonna need to get my monthly reminder that I can't just kms pretty soon, maybe I'll watch a silent voice again or something.

[tinyperson00-venting]

When you want nothing more than to just sit and exist, but you remember life won’t stop so why should you