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Concusso recovery

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When will the lessons end o lord

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Absolutely fantastic to be busy all day and then shovel sodium and alcohol into your body #digesting

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I’ve gotten used to missing you.

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Hi fall

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To you know who,

I was thinking about what I might say if I ever decided to write a letter to you, and I had some good thoughts, so I thought I might as well be able to remember them if I do decide to.

Anyways, I can’t keep pretending like this is just friendship to me. It’s friendship, and a deeply important one at that, but it’s slowly killing me from the inside out to try to pretend like it’s just that--friendship. It would be simpler if it were.

But, however frail the possibility of a positive outcome, I need to confront it. Because I’ve learned that I can’t be present in any other relationship with you in my life as a question mark. And Covid took that away for a bit, but it’s back in full force, and I’m back to the same place I was, needing therapy over you.

And maybe I’m writing like there’s no chance you feel the same and that’s a way to cope with potential let-down, but either way, it’s okay if you don’t feel the same. I’ll be okay. I just can’t live like this anymore--not knowing. I’d rather sacrifice our friendship at this point than continue living an agonizing lie.

That’s not to discount the depth of feeling I have for you--you’ve been a consistent and honest person, seemingly as invested in relationships for the sake of relationships as me, and I value that immensely. You’re one of the few in this world I admire and deeply respect. I’ve no doubt the time we’ve spent together plays a role in this as well, I couldn’t have imagined being with you the first couple years we were friends (not because of any reason other than that I didn’t know you that well yet). But I trust you and know you, and that means something to me. I have a hard time expressing these feelings in this medium, but I want you to know that if I seem emotionally removed, I’m just protecting myself. I feel deeply, and while I can bounce back, it’s not to say my care for you is superficial.

I don’t know where to go from here or how to make this work. I only know I can’t keep this inside anymore. I’m sorry if this complicates everything. I don’t want you to feel guilt if you don’t feel the same--it’s just life and it’s just feelings and sometimes we have them and sometimes we don’t. I don’t take it personally.

More than anything, I need to do this for me. For my own peace. However you choose to respond is okay.

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Tomberlin is quiet beauty.

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Totes got into UW this week…

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Tina appearing obviously pissed off at me when I don’t get the kids to PE on time because I don’t have the right schedule… I’m subbing and doing a job other than mine, so go fuck yourself, please and thank you. As a specialist, you have it easy right now and have no right. Give me a break.

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Ideas!

- Exhibit of all my family/childhood mementos:

Basket with lemongrass from Easter at Blue Lakes Country Club

*or this could be an exhibit of my memory of gamy?

-Easter weekend with a modern Irish catholic family (stuck together, toxicity, drinking, yelling)

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“Women hold up half the sky.”

- Mao Zedong

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I hate when people are always unnecessarily speaking up about the wonderful things that are happening to them. There’s just some people who always feel like they need to speak up. Like, no, you don’t. And good for you, but it’s annoying and some of us have problems and don’t want to hear about your wonderful life. Maybe you should ask others about what’s going on with them before you spew your mouth about how fantastic everything is with you. Your wistfulness is frankly nauseating.

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In our society, thinness isn’t just thinness. It’s intrinsically linked in the public consciousness with health, beauty, success, self-control and motivation.

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The world is quite surreal and hard to wrap my head around at the moment. I can’t tear my eyes away from the news and constantly updating feeds.

A sweeping pandemic that is killing and will continue to kill millions of people.

Many people who don’t wish to recognize this fact and put themselves and others in danger in doing so.

Still many people who encourage this behavior for their own material gain. And many of them who are in power.

The highest unemployment rate since The Great Depression.

Those who cannot work in person or at all, forced to stay in their homes 24/7. Those without work, with almost nothing to do to distract themselves from the turmoil happening outside, somewhere.

Riots in the streets, violent racial tension (and justified), incredible inequality, downright murderous millionaires and billionaires, selfishness everywhere you look.

Divisiveness never to be recovered from.

Great uncertainty, impending economic catastrophe, possible famine and rapid spread of disease, potential for an authoritarian coup in a democratic country I’ve lived in for my whole life as a free and fair nation.

The United States is a married couple of political parties who fight at the expense of its children. And perhaps never break up, but always subject them to their violent throes. Never comprehending the damage they’ve done, which is invisible to them.

What would a therapist do for me in this state, with these conditions. It’s impossible to bear. Maybe the world has always been like this, but not during my lifetime. I’ve always had faith in most of all people, but also the country I live in. This whole preconception is crumbling, especially for my faith in the goodness of people.

I have London though, and that is the brightest light I could ever hope for. I see great love in my home, and so little outside of it.

I wear the weight of the world as a tightening of muscle, in the neck, the back, the hips. But now they are straining under the enormous heaviness of all that is, and I am ready to sink to the ground in a slumber, one of years and not hours.

Enough poetic justice, it’s just depressing as fuck to wake up to the news now. I can’t even write this without feeling as though all of this is much, much worse than before I sat down to do so. This hopelessness will last for a long while, I’m afraid. I hear sirens outside. 

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Yummy dinner today. I made pasta with roasted red pepper vodka sauce, breadcrumbs with manchego and oregano, and a kale caeser, all topped with some manchego. Proud of this one.

Also baking a lot. Excited for these sourdough cinnamon rolls I’ve been dying to make and happy I finally made something for Ray. Plus, it was pretty yummy and we get some too. Brookies!?

Talked with mom today, was a little cranky, but the conversation went well overall. Just told her I was feeling that way and that I was sorry if I was taking it out on her and she understood and told me she loved me. It was really sweet.

Talked making art with London’s dad, which felt surreal honestly. I’ve built him up so much in my mind, I felt kind of stupid doing it. Especially showing him a work that isn’t truly up to snuff in my mind. Sure, it’s not bad per se, but it’s certainly not interesting and definitely not finished. Oh well. I just have to move on and be comfortable enough with my own skills and creativity to let it be water under the bridge. And I am comfortable enough. It just sucks I guess.

Frustrated with Jooree. It’s hard to feel whipped around by her moods and she doesn’t usually care about social conventions, which can be really irritating to me.

Good self care today. Not for any reason in particular, but I just feel like I’ve done some good things for myself.

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How I feel about Abhay. Thinking about sending it to him. Do I want to break the silence? Isn’t it just to gain the upper hand??

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Okay, one-liners it is.

Every woman I’m following on social media is talking about Fiona Apple’s new album, but apparently none of the men are, cause they all thinking, “Eh, that’s woman music, not for me thanks.” Well you know what’s not for you either? Deservingness of being historically and institutionally deemed the “superior” gender. Bye bitch.