to-the-moon-and-never-back00

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

To the man I love the most,

• August 1,2021

Hi, kung nababasa mo to ngayon, siguro tayo na ulit. (sana nga 🥺) Basta umaasa pa rin ako. Kasi no matter how many times I tried to leave, I know deep in my heart na babalik ako. I would even run back to you the moment na kailanganin mo ako. I love you so much. I just want to make sure na hindi na ako masasaktan gaya ng nangyari noon. Sorry kung minsan tinutulak kita palayo. I'm just confused kasi di ko na alam yung gagawin ko sa mga mixed signals na binibigay mo.

Once na pumayag akong makipagbalikan sayo, ibig sabihin lang nun buo na ulit yung tiwala ko. Sigurado na ako sayo. I really hope you don't break my trust kasi hirap akong ibuo yun. Trusting you again means I would willingly let you point a gun pointed at my heart. I wish you never pull that trigger.

I know I was broken, I don't know if I am still, but I did my best every day to pick up all the pieces. Healing is not linear. Minsan magulo ako. Minsan nattrigger nga anxiety. Sana hindi ka magsawa na intindihin lahat ng yon. Be patient with me as I am still healing from those things that broke me. I don't know kung hanggang kailan ako ganun. I don't know kung ganun parin ako pag nabasa mo na 'to. But one thing is for sure, I would risk jumping off that cliff again para lang makasama ka. I will risk it all, like I always do. I know I could heal with you by my side. Help me. Alam ko naman na gagawin mo rin yun kahit di ko sabihin. Masyado lang siguro akong nag ooverthink hehe.

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• September 6, 2021

I found a quote on tiktok, it says "...True love never surrender. It always finds a way to understand the pain." Kahit na ano pa yung nangyari noon, it will never change the fact na mahal kita. Pinipili ko pa ring mahalin ka sa kabila ng lahat. Ikaw yung paulit ulit kong pipiliin. "nag iisang tiyak, sa isang libong duda"

I also want to say, Thank you for loving me in all ways that you know. Thank you for staying in my life kahit na ilang beses na tayong nayanig ng mga pagsubok. Thank you hindi ka sumuko. Thank you sa walang sawang pag-intindi. Thank you sa mga oras na nilalaan mo para makausap at makasama ako. Salamat sa pagmamahal mo. Kung hindi dahil sayo, hindi ko matututunan mahalin pa ang sarili ko. Higit sa lahat, salamat dahil patuloy mo akong ginagabayan papalapit kay Lord.

Sa mahigit na isang taon na ang nakalipas mula noong minahal kita. Still the best decision I made na hinayaan kitang pumasok sa buhay ko at piliing mahalin ka. If God would let me, I will love you for the rest of my life. I never want to be away from you anymore. I am very willing to spend this lifetime with you. Mahal na mahal kita, siguro araw araw ko naman sinasabi yun sayo.

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September 17,2021

Walang katumbas yung kasiyahan na nararamdaman ko ngayong araw. Maraming salamat kasi lagi mo akong binibigyan ng dahilan para ngumiti araw araw. Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na boyfriend na ulit kita. Ito na yung perfect timing na binigay saatin ni Lord. Ito na yung pinagdadasal natin noon. The moment finally came at hinding hindi ko yun sasayangin.

Ilang buwan akong naghintay, the long wait is totally worth it. Halos nasanay na nga ako sa set up natin noon. Sabi ko ng sa sarili ko baka kailangan ko mag adjust. But then I realized that I have loved since then, kung ano yung ginagawa ko noon pareho lang ngayon. I'll just shower you with love every single day hihi cuz you deserve it.

Sa lahat lahat ng pinagdaanan natin, hindi tayo sumuko sa isa't isa. I'm so proud of what we have become. Natuto na tayo and we are both ready to continue our journey as a couple.

I promise you that I will be the best partner in the world. Hinding hindi kita iiwan. I will always make you happy. I will always care for you. Aalagaan kita in every way that I know. I will be there for you whenever you need me. I will always understand you. Kasi you always have. I'm your girl, your partner in life, cuddle buddy, your future wife and your home. Always and forever.

We have a long journey ahead of us. I am so excited to be with you 'til the end. I love you, I always have and I always will. We will continue make more memories together. We will continue to be the best versions of ourselves. We will continue to cherish the moments we have. We have a lifetime waiting for us, love.

I can't wait to love more today, tomorrow and always.

Mahal na mahal kita sean ko. I promise to make it worth your while.

The happiest woman on earth,

Laila 💙

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

Wildest Dreams (Taylor’s Version)

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

i thought, “heaven can’t help me now.” 

WILDEST DREAMS (TAYLOR’S VERSION)

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

There are only two things in the world that make life worth living, love and art.

- W. Somerset Maugham, Of Human Bondage

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

august slipped away into a moment in time ✌️

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

“You often feel tired, not because you’ve done too much, but because you’ve done too little of what sparks a light in you.”

— Unknown

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

“Sometimes the long way is the only way home.”

— Unknown

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

“Never apologize for burning too brightly or collapsing into yourself every night. That is how galaxies are made.”

— Tyler Kent White

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

I'm here

April 30, 2021 2:15 am

Last day of the month. Gusto ko lang balikan yung mga nangyari ngayon month of April and see kung may improvements ako when it comes to my mental health.

First, I cried less than last month 🤧 Dahil na rin siguro sa gamot and dahil tulog ako most of the time at wala akong time para umiyak 🥴

I also feel less emotions than usual. I can't remember the last time I smiled or laughed out loud. All I can remember are nights when I was crying over my emotions na hindi ko mailabas. Hindi ko maintindihan yung nararamdaman ko most of the time. Minsan nakatulala lang ako.

For the first time, I felt peace. Nangyari lang siya once or twice ata. Yung wala talaga akong naramdaman na lungkot at worries. The feeling is unfamiliar. Nilalabanan ng utak ko yung "feeling" na yon kasi hindi ako sanay. And that "feeling" itself gave me a whole new anxiety. It was as if I was numb, kaya sobrang natakot ako. I was crying for hours. Kung kailan akala ko na payapa na ulit pakiramdam ko doon ulit ako inatake ng anxiety. When will it end? No matter hard I try to fight, lagi akong bumabalik sa ilalim. Its tiring. This whole thing is an endless cycle.

On the brighter side, I cried less. Minsan na lang yung mga anxiety attacks, hindi na palagi. I always have enough sleep a day. I'm taking my time to fully understand myself. I have more "me time". I tried to focus on myself. Literal na I detached myself from the social media world for a while. Its actually nice not trying to live up other people's expectations on you. I was busy pushing myself to heal para sa iba and then I realized I'm doing it wrong all this time. Sure, my family want me to get my life back together because they need me. Sanay na sanay na ako na gawin lahat ng bagay para sa iba, to the point na kinakalimutan ko na sarili ko. I was too pressured last month kaya lumalala. Kaya naniniwala ako na iba iba talaga yung pacing ng bawat isa when it comes to healing.

But again, "too much" is not good. I detached way too much. To the point na iniisip ko lang is 'sarili ko lang kakampi ko and I don't need anyone else para malagpasan lahat ng to'. Narealize ko to ngayon, I can't just turn away and leave. I don't have the heart to turn my back on those people na hindi napagod na initindihin at suportahan ako. Bakit ako lalayo? Pinapatunayan ko lang sa ego ko na kaya ko mag-isa when in fact, hindi talaga lol. At one point I was as hard as a shell. I was too hard on myself,, again. Di na ako natuto.

'Til now I'm still trying to figure out my next step kasi di pwedeng ganito ako habang buhay, I have to move on with life. Kahit gaano pa kahirap ang buhay, we need to keep up with it. We'll only be stronger as we went through it. That's growth✨

On the second note, I finally submitted my freakin resignation letter. After so many months of avoiding anything work related stuffs. I even ignored my manager for weeks. I was almost tagged as AWOL, eventually naintindihan rin naman nila reason ko though its still unprofessional. But yeah, rendering na ako and my last day will be on May 12. I'll be free in no time 😊

Right now, I try to go back to my usual hobbies, like reading. I m reading a lot I even bought a pdf copy—yes binili ko sa shopee 🤧— of the Firebird series and book 1 palang ako which is entitled "A thousand pieces of you" 💕 Sci-fi siya and I luvv it cause science heart heart hahaha. Kumakanta ulit ako. Music makes me happy talaga. I really can't live a day without it. Make up, don't me. I feel so so confident with make up on. Kahit nga red lipstick lang eh 🤧 It was my coping mechanism for the past few years as if make up will cover up my mental health issues 😗✌🏼 and I'll take a selfie kasi catfish ako at sa picture lang ako maganda 😩 sad truth.

Anywayss, napaka haba na nito ugh. Thanks for your time catching up with me.

I know its hard, this pandemic is making it worse 😩. I know hindi lang ako yung nahihirapan and all of us are facing different struggles in life. Kaya we deserve a little celebration for ourselves kasi we are strong enough to continue life kahit mahirap. Don't forget to breathe/pause when everything is in shambles, afterwards you can continue. Ang dali dali sabihin no, pero mahirap gawin. We can do it frends. I know we can.

Hey you! Thank you for being with me at my worst. I love youuuu huhu. I'm cryinggg. I can't believe I have you with me this whole time and nandito ka parin 😩 I'm forever grateful. Promise, a time will come na lahat ng to babalikan nalang natin kasi nalagpasan na natin siya. I'm living for that day to come 😊

Sincerly,

Laila

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

“You make my life better just by being in it.”

— (via perfectfeelings)

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

“I write because you exist.”

— Michael Faudet

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

“Sometimes, the strongest people in the morning are the people who cried all night.”

— Book of prosperity

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

“Your peace is more important than driving yourself crazy trying to understand why something happened the way it did. Let it go.”

— Mandy Hale

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

“It’s okay if I’m not your favorite chapter you have written, but I hope you sometimes smile when you flip back to the pages I was still apart of.”

— Unknown

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.”

— C.S. Lewis

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

La Luna

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

Let me tell you something about the moon

What am I afraid of? Is it really the darkness? or is it because we don't know what's inside the dark? It's the latter. The fear of not knowing what is in the dark. It's the fear of emptiness and uncertainty.

I am in the dark. I can't see what's ahead of me and the emptiness is drowning me. Every fear that I have is right before my eyes. It's too much. I'm barely living, but I'm trying.

I realized that I've been in here for the longest time in my life. At one point, I manage to escape but it didn't last long. Free trial lang kung baga, 'cuz the brightest part of the world doesnt belong to me. In other words, I really don't deserve good things in life lol. Binalik ulit ako kung saan ako nararapat. I learned to accept it. I'm so tired of trying to find my escape. I just wish for it to end. When will it end?

Ang sakit sakit na mabuhay dito sa mundo. Why do we have to feel pain? I just wish to have better chance in life. Maybe- just maybe, things will be different.

At this point, hindi ko na kilala yung totoong ako. I'm living for the sake of other people-for my family. When will I have the chance to live for myself. I never had this kind of priviledge.

Earlier this day, I watched 'Hello Love, Goodbye'. The movie came out last 2019 pero ngayon ko lang siya napanuod hehe. I found myself in the same situation as Joy. I can't even put it into words. If you already saw the movie, malalaman mo kung pano naging ako si Joy. Pero siya kasi nagawa niyang i-pursue yung pangarap niya. Ako? Kailan kaya?

Kasi hindi ko kayang piliin yung sarili ko. Yes. I have a choice. Pwedeng pwede ko piliin sarili ko but that will cost us everything. Saakin sila umaasa, I don't want to disappoint them. I need to be strong for them. Ang sakit sakit saakin pero ito yung kapalaran ko eh. I was programmed for this kind of life. Alam ko na ganito yung magiging ending ko matagal na.

Masyado lang talaga akong naghangad ng masayang buhay. Pwede pa rin naman akong maging masaya ng ganito eh. I just thought na baka may iba pang paraan para makaalis ako sa sitwasyon ko. Pero mahirap mabuhay sa panaginip, gigisingin ka ng realidad ng buhay. If I will choose myself, EVERYTHING will fall apart and I can't afford to do that. I can't risk it.

I'm miserable but I will still try to live a happy life. Sana dumating na yung time na hindi na ako mahihirapan na piliin yung sarili ko. I'm so used of choosing others over me. I don't think I could ever do anything for myself without feeling guilty.

Am I too harsh on myself? Siguro kasi gusto kong magalit sa mundo dahil sa sitwasyon ko ngayon pero nagagalit ako sa sarili. I'm trying to punish myself as if I not living in hell ever since lol. My whole life is a whole ass drama plot. Maybe I could try to write my story and try to sell it para may kwenta naman yung buhay ko lol.

Everyday is a struggle. I cry myself to sleep. I tried so hard to be happy. I'm actually a cheerful person kung wala akong mental issues. A lot of things could make me smile: like the moon and the stars in the sky, like food; food makes me happy hahaha, like the smell of books, like the flowers that blooms randomly on the ground and etc. I don't know why I'm very fond of wildflowers. Like flowers that randomly grow anywhere (favorite flower is a daisy 🌼). Some will call it weed or unwanted plants/flowers, common flower or fillers sa mga boquet, pero yun yung mga gusto kong bulaklak. Yung tingin ng iba ay walang kwenta. Kasi theres so much to see in this world. You can always have a reason to be happy, you need to look for it and appreciate. Pero kasi bakit ganito ako ih. Bakit ako nalulugmok sa kalungkutan? Bakit nahihirapan parin akong maging masaya?

I'm too depressed to even talk to anyone. I'm too scared na mapagod silang intindihin yung mga kadramahan ko. Kasi paulit ulit lang naman eh, araw araw ganun walang bago. Ako nga pagod na sa sarili ko, sila pa kaya? I'm scared that one day they will leave. Kaya ba iniiwasan ko silang lahat ngayon? Maybe? Di ko rin maintindihan sarili ko. I know marami akong kaibigan na iintindi saakin at naappreciate ko silang lahat. Natatakot parin akong di nila ako maintindihan at magsawa silang intindihin ako. Kaya most of them will not ask or check on me kasi ang alam nila na I will reach out pag ready na akong magopen up. But often times, I try to keep everything to myself to the point where I will miss the chance to talk about what I really feel.

Most of the time I just need someone who will listen sa mga rant ko. Kahit minsan walang kwenta yung mga sinasabi ko. Kahit wala ka ng advice or comment. I just want to be heard. I want to be seen.

I don't know how to handle myself anymore, tbh. One moment I will try to distract myself by doing some workouts etc and then bigla akong hihinto midway kasi I suddenly felt like crying. And I have to get through the day with a heavy heart.

I will stay where I am, for now. I hope and I pray to have the chance I deserve. A better chance in life, perhaps.

Because life is a battlefield, you need to learn how to wield a sword. You have to fight for your life and face everything that is coming your way. Hindi maiiwasan yung casualty, you could fall but you need to learn how to stand again para ituloy yung laban. The goal is to make it out alive. So, we need to have courage to live. The prize will be worth it in the end.

I know I can't do this alone. I'm sorry if there would be ocassions where I'm hard headed and not easy to be understood. Sorry if I ever try to push everyone away cause I feel like I will not do you any good. I tend to overthink a lot kaya I'm sorry for some unecessary thoughts or shits that I may have said that doesnt makes sense at all. I'm sorry if there are times na ang sakit kong magsalita at maattitude ako, sometimes its trauma response to protect myself from getting hurt.

Ikaw na nakakabasa nito. Yes, you!! I love you. Thank you for staying in my life kahit magulo ako most of the time and I know I have toxic traits rin. Thank you sa walang sawang pag intindi. Thank you for being patient with me. It's rare to have someone like you and I thank God every single day. I sent this to you kasi I trust you with every bits of my soul. Ipagkakatiwala ko sayo even the darkest part of my mind.

You would probably think na baliw na ako hahaha I was crying while typing the first half of my post and then afterwards I found my 'strong self' again. Very therapeutic talaga itong ginagawa ko hahaha.

Also, I found out that my name "Laila" originated from an Arabic/Hebrew word which means 'night/dark' it could mean 'beauty in the dark', 'daughter of the night', 'dark hair beauty'.

Amazing right? Maybe I'm really destined to be in the dark lol. Coincidence lang talaga yung pangalan ko huhu. Di nga alam ni mama kung ano ibig sabihin ng pangalan ko eh hhhh. Maybe I'm really the daughter of the night kasi I love to associate myself with the moon or the stars. I always fall inlove with the nightscape or nightskh. It's the only time of the day where the stars will shine and the moon will be seen. Bagay na bagay saakin yung pangalan ko.

Anyways, thanks for reading. You made it this far sa post ko so, thank you for your time and effort.

Hope you have a great day and stay safe.

Your dramatic Leo girl who has anxiety issues,

Laila

I'm cute or whateva