to-whom-itmay-concern

[to-whom-itmay-concern]

And I don't know if I'll ever stop tbh..

[to-whom-itmay-concern]

I wish I knew how to quit you.

[to-whom-itmay-concern]

I was so right when I said your eyes don’t tell me anything at all - because there is nothing. There is absolutely no emotion behind them most of the time.

[to-whom-itmay-concern]

As much as it pains me to say this, you’re becoming another person in my life that I can’t authentically be myself with. My basic needs are a bother and that will never sit right with me. It will always bother me and affect how I interact with you. You were a dream gone absolutely wrong.

[to-whom-itmay-concern]

How is there any kind of relationship for you without proper connection? How many have tried? How many have you refused to open up and bond with? How many of them have tried with you? How many have distanced and you let them? Please don’t let me.

[to-whom-itmay-concern]

Fuck what you had to go through man.

[to-whom-itmay-concern]

The single most important thing in this life is the ability to interact with others. To care. To love. To feel. To do all that for others. For the people you say you care about.

When you prioritize yourself and only yourself you don’t leave room for anything else. You won’t have the capacity to be affectionate, compassionate or empathetic. You won’t be able to put yourself in their shoes because you don’t want to and you don’t have to. And that’s what I’ve been seeing in you. You’re protecting yourself and I know this is your coping mechanism after what you’ve been through. And I get it. I truly do. As much as it hurts me, I understand. You’re so deep in it though that every time I come to that realization, I know that I won’t be the one to pull you out of there. As much as I want to.

It’s uncomfortable for me to see it from you and not being able to say anything. Biting my tongue and hurting my heart the more the conversation goes on. But I can’t compromise on this. I can’t just not feel. I can’t ask questions and just be okay with what I’m given. I can’t not help. I can’t not feel what others feel. And to ask me not to do this with you - the person I care about the most - is just a killer.

[to-whom-itmay-concern]

I hope to one day be able to love freely with no limits, no conditions, no guilt. I don’t want to filter or hide or mask. I want to let it all out. Feel what I feel and say it. Go where I want to go. Love who I want to love and do what I want to do. I’m tired of secrecy. I’m tired of concealing. I’m tired of watching my words and actions. I’m tired of thinking of others happiness before mine. I want to one day just live for me. Love for me. That’s all I ask.

[to-whom-itmay-concern]

Happiness looks good on you, so so good on you.

[to-whom-itmay-concern]

The truth is, I love you. I’ve loved you for many many moons. I’ve loved you for a decade. I’ve loved you since the day we met and every day we met since then.

[to-whom-itmay-concern]

Doing what you do - it must be exhausting. To keep things in and never let it out. To feel something and force yourself to say something else. To stay silent when all you want to do is make a move. I hate that you had to get used to that. I hate even more that you continuously have to live like that.

[to-whom-itmay-concern]

I am positively giddy. I am giddy with delight. The room was filled with giddy laughter. A feeling I’ve started feeling only when you are there. Only when we spend time with each other. It brings me back to life in ways you’ll never understand. And I pray and pray and pray I never stop feeling this way.

[to-whom-itmay-concern]

— Rudy Francisco

[to-whom-itmay-concern]

I’d honestly hate how I’d feel if I intentionally let you go. So I risk it all and lose you, in order to never go back. Will it hurt? Like hell it will. But I know it’ll be better for the both of us in the long run.

[to-whom-itmay-concern]

I finally understand what you meant by keeping the people you love at arms length. I am a risk, a danger, a poison. My love ruins lives. And with you, I can’t do that. With you, I cannot be selfish. To love you is to love you from afar, to not cross your boundaries - though I desperately want to. To love you is to encourage you to love someone else, to watch you be happy from afar and to help you find and live the life you very much deserve.

[to-whom-itmay-concern]

You have violated me in every way. Broke me and dismantled me. Allowing for my insecurities and ugliness to resurface. I cannot recognize myself. I have become angry. I have become filled with rage. I have become lonely. My mind yearns for the older days. My heart starves for love. I do not have the patience nor do I have the care. I have lost every good that is in me. I feel empty and numb all the time. I spend my days switching between masks in order to survive. I repress to forget until I no longer have the ability to even remember the simplest of things. I lost confidence in my abilities. I lost value of who I am, what I am worth and what I can offer. I self-sabotage and self-destruct. I hurt. I break. Myself and others. I avoid. I isolate. I cry until I am no longer able to. Until they dry out. Until I learn the ability to withhold and restrain. Until I no longer feel.

[to-whom-itmay-concern]

I cry in the depths of the night not knowing where to turn or who to talk to. Longing for a day where I can freely be who I am, be who I want to be with and feel what I want to feel..