tofindloveinpoison - Tumblr blog

[tofindloveinpoison]

randomly remembering the time in 2012 when everyone kept saying the world was going to end at midday that day and like, i didnt really believe it, but i didnt want to be a complete fool if i was wrong, so i excused myself from class to go sit the field and perfectly timed the beat drop to a skrillex song just in case something happened. and im just. retroactively amused by the idea of ushering in the appocalypse with skrillex. most 2012 thing you could possibly do.

[tofindloveinpoison]

The anti-mask brain rot is penetrating the hospital system in a terrifying fashion.

Masks are necessary for accessing central lines, and more and more nurses are starting to have issues with wearing a mask during STERILE PROTOCOL.

These lines are going right into our hearts and nurses are throwing tantrums about having to cover up their faces for 5 minutes.

This has not happened at my infusion center personally but I have mutuals and friends who have had to beg their nurses to put on the mask that literally comes in the sterile access kit.

[tofindloveinpoison]

No I’m not attracted to you. Quit your evil putting your finger under my chin to make me look up at you. I know I’m your nemesis and all but we really need to set some boundaries when you’ve got me tied up like this.

[tofindloveinpoison]

[tofindloveinpoison]

There's a post going around Tumblr about how if you're post-menopausal and have bleeding, you should get it checked by your doctor. I brought some minor bleeding I'd had up in a doctor visit earlier this year, prompted by that post, and this week, after a biopsy, I found out I have cancer. It's early stage and the survival odds at 5 years are 99%. I have an oncologist appointment and we may have caught it early enough that surgery alone will be sufficient treatment (no radiation/chemo).

So that post may have saved my life and it may have made my treatment a lot easier too.

If you get into menopause and then start bleeding again, really, get your reproductive innards checked out. The life you save may be your own.

[tofindloveinpoison]

There is a reason that there has been such a concerted effort to remove queer people from their history. Queer history, in its nature, is empowering. It debunks the belief that queerness is unnatural. It reminds queer people that their legacy is that of change, revolution, and beauty. It challenges every defended belief about history being a story of cisgender straight white men doing brave things while the rest of us sat at the sidelines. There is a reason that so many people are so scared of queer people having access to their history.

[tofindloveinpoison]

[tofindloveinpoison]

“I would buy a mansion” “I would buy designer” “I’m getting a pool” Don’t give me that lame ass if I won the lottery shit. You’re all pathetic. If I came into a significant amount of money, you know what I’d do? I’d go to the Ren Faire, B-line straight to the cloaks. I’m talking floor length, heavy, wool, felted details, huge hooded cloaks that are like 450 a piece and all handmade and I’d get me one. Maybe even get one of the smaller ones that hangs off the shoulders and lands just above the elbow that are 90 by themselves. And I’d be the baddest bitch around because I’d wear that shit everywhere. It’s 115 degrees? I’m sorry do I look like I give a fuck? I have a cloak bitch I don’t need your fahrenheit bullshit. And you’re a FOOL if you wouldn’t do the same.

[tofindloveinpoison]

enjoying baked beans with can-opener smoothdream

[tofindloveinpoison]

Cute goth bunnies 🖤 Artworks by @dayrisfelix on Instagram

[tofindloveinpoison]

Something that literally changed my life was working with a friend on a coding thing. He was helping me create an auto rig script and was trying to explain something to me but his words were just turning into static in my brain. I was tired and confused and there was so many new concepts happening.

I could feel myself working toward a crying meltdown and was getting preemptively ashamed of what was about to happen when he said, “Hey, are you someone who benefits from breaks?”

It broke me.

Did I benefit from breaks? I didn’t know. I’d never taken them.

When a problem frustrated or upset me I just gritted my teeth and plowed through the emotional distress because eventually if you batter and flail at something long enough you figure it out. So what if you get bruised on the way.

I viscerally remembered in that moment being forced to sit at the table late into the night with my dad screaming at me, trying to understand math. I remembered taking that with me into adulthood and having breakdowns every week trying to understand coding. I could have taken a break? Would it help? I didn’t know! I’d never taken one!

“Yes,” I told him. We paused our call. I ate lunch. I focused on other stuff for half an hour. I came back in a significantly better state of mind, and the thing he’d been trying to explain had been gently cooking in the back of my head and seemed easier to understand.

Now when I find myself gritting my teeth at problems I can hear his gentle voice asking if I benefit from breaks. Yes, dear god, yes why did I never get taught breaks? Why was the only way I knew to keep suffering until something worked?

I was relating to this same friend recently my roadtrip to the redwoods with my wife. “We stopped every hour or so to get out and stretch our legs and switch drivers. It was really nice. When I was a kid we’d just drive twelve hours straight and not stop for anything, just gas. We’d eat in the car and power through.”

He gave a wry smile, immediately connecting the mindset of my parents on a road trip to what they’d instilled in me about brute forcing through discomfort. “Do you benefit from breaks?” he echoed, drawing my attention to it, making me smile with the same sad acknowledgement.

Take breaks. You’re allowed. You don’t have to slam into problems over and over and over, let yourself rest. It will get easier. Take. Breaks.

[tofindloveinpoison]

The thing is, those Manic Pixie Dream Girl movies aren't unrealistic because that kind of thing never happens in real life. They're unrealistic because they never show the epilogue five years later, where the Sadboy Protagonist is posting on reddit going "help, my girlfriend has cool unique hobbies and it's embarrassing me."

I don't know how this comes as a shock to some people, but if you're dating a girl with a bug collection, you're going to be dating a girl who proudly shows dead bugs to your mom.

[tofindloveinpoison]

This’ll be my first slide when I teach butchfemme 101 to my non-butchfemme queer friends

[tofindloveinpoison]

if we ignore all the stuff that's gone wrong ive kind of had nothing but wins

[tofindloveinpoison]

[tofindloveinpoison]

Ambystoma maculatum (spotted salamander) egg masses with algae visible inside the eggs at the University of Mississippi Field Station.

[tofindloveinpoison]

*Stares directly into the camera*