toi-tabiji

[toi-tabiji]

the concept of distant relatives is so beautiful to me. somewhere, a long time ago, our bloodlines were directly related to each other. 200 years ago, our family was made up of one set of parents. we were siblings.

[toi-tabiji]

the only reason i'm still alive is because everything really is gonna be okay.

[toi-tabiji]

getting cracked on thursday, god is so good

[toi-tabiji]

6/30/25 ok so i texted him last night, i was kinda worried that it was too late to text him and it was. he didn’t text me until noon today and i was kinda worried all morning that he wasn’t going to respond or that he was gonna be dry but i think his autism makes him funnier or something. i’m not gonna text him back immediately because that would be so embarrassing considering i had to wait like 13 hours for a response. im getting my chest tattooed right now so when i get home im gonna text him back.

[toi-tabiji]

i think the perspective i have in life is too pessimistic, and i focus far too much on how my life could end at any moment and anything could go wrong any day now and my life could be flipped upside down and turned to shit. i know that ideally, i should be anticipating life from a long-term perspective, like how my parents will die at 80-90 years old, and i will probably do the same. but sometimes, i can't help but place tragedy in my windshield, and cut my perspective short. maybe i imagine a hypothetical life where i die from some tragedy. it happens to people, people die in car crashes, get cancer out of nowhere, die of some unimaginable terminal disease, you go to the hospital for a routine checkup and you're told you have maybe a week to live. it fucking sucks

and it can happen to anyone

no one is exempt

but that's the pessimistic outlook on life, is that it has to come to an end eventually.

but i know deep down that i need to have a more optimistic outlook on life, because otherwise what would motivate me to do anything

the way that i live my life is dependent on my philosophy and my morals and values. i don't depend on some arbitrary point system to tell me what would make me a good person, or give me eternal life after i die.

i think death is like going to sleep. if you're lucky enough, you get stuck in a dream, if you're strong willed enough to conjure up an eternal dream for your consciousness. i think for some people, it's just black, nothing.

the only thing i'm unsure of is what happens to your consciousness when you die.

i think science might say that the brain creates your consciousness, and when the brain no longer has activity, your consciousness fizzles out of existence. even though matter cannot be created or destroyed, i think your consciousness might travel somewhere maybe, after death.

that's what scary, is that i can't be 100% sure.

[toi-tabiji]

i mention that fact that i was bullied sometimes in conversation

it comes up

but i don't think i was every really bullied

sure, purposefully excluded, isolated, called names

however, it was never really to an extent where people didn't like me

i was weird enough to be on a first name basis with the weird kids, but i was amiable enough and funny enough that the kids that had a little more social credit still hung out with me and talked to me

i was right in the middle

but i was still a weird kid, and it wasn't that the more popular kids made fun of me because it entertained them

they genuinely observed me being a freak of nature and acknowledged it and reacted accordingly

i used to say weird shit and they would respond adequately

it was never without justifiable reason

honestly i would've stayed away from me too if i knew then what i know now

sometimes i crossed the line of socially acceptable, but it just meant that my friends at the time were not accustomed to a certain set of behaviors

that didn't mean they didn't like me, it just meant that they practiced moral isolationism and instead of accepting my behavior indiscriminately, they approached it from a critical perspective

if anything they were modern day philosophers

[toi-tabiji]

and like i said, i genuinely believe that these events gave me whatever eating disorder i have today

i have safety foods, the spans used to be much longer; the same meal, 3 times a day, for months at a time.

it went on like that through the beginning of college too

a sandwich and fries for breakfast, a sandwich and fries in the dining hall, a sandwich and fries for dinner.

before that it was chicken and potatoes. chicken tenders and tater tots, chicken nuggets and fries, chicken breast (only if my mom cooked it for me) and mashed potatoes.

eventually i just started buying the food they sold on campus; subway, chick-fil-a, portillo's

and that gave my diet a little variety

not much in terms of nutrition, but my taste buds at least got a fucking break

now my safety foods span about a month to three months at a time, but not for every meal of the day, one or two meals in a day, usually lunch and dinner

for a few months it's been hummus and naan or pita chips

i'm back on sandwiches currently, not too bad, every few days, but i've been making beef stew like once a week recently and even though it's a lot of effort and prep and dishes, i've begun perfecting my recipe, and it's probably just as good as my mom's.

it also makes me feel a little better that i cook it with onion and tomatoes

even though i sweat them down to a stew and i don't even serve them on my plate, the essence of onion and tomato is all over the dish, and i feel some dietary gratification.

also sometimes i'll do one of the frozen containers of beans my mom bulk packs for me when i go home, and ill eat it with some rice and a steak or something

i've been into cooking myself steaks recently, even though a ribeye cost me like $14 at aldi

don't know what i was thinking, i couldn't even finish it, threw away 1/3 of it

today i bought 2 little ones for $13, so hopefully those are a more reasonable serving size

my breakfast also changes up, i was doing bagels with cheesy eggs on top for a while but now the thought of it makes me queasy.

now i'm doing waffles, probably not for long, i'm already getting sick of them

like i said, i'm back on sandwiches, i just bought a loaf of bread and a pack of sliced cheese, plus i have a fresh-ish container of turkey in the fridge i opened today, and a jar of mayo, some baked lays, plus i have some protein shakes that i drink with at least one meal a day to make sure i'm getting any sort of nutrition

i'm so broke i usually go to the dining hall for dinner with the meal swipes i have left from freshman year

and then i come home, snack, go to bed, and do it all again the next day

[toi-tabiji]

i genuinely believe my disordered eating stems from my relationship with my mom

which, i glaze the shit out of my mom on here, but she and i have had such a tumultuous relationship over the past 20 years like you would not believe

i can't even get into it as in-depth as my therapist would probably like, but it molded me into the person that i am today, and if she had never improved upon herself and realized that the most important thing in her life is her children and their happiness, i don't know what kind of person i would be today

but unfortunately, the first 16 years of my life DID happen

and during those 16 years she was not the best version of herself

hell, if you asked me at 16, i would've told you she wasn't even a good version of herself

unfortunately, as i've come to realize later in life happens with so many people you meet, and my mother is no exemption, sometimes your personality just doesn't match someone else's.

and it's no ones fault

it just happens

but she was my mother and we didn't see eye to eye

we didn't have the same fundamental values, and we didn't agree on most topics, and she didn't have the empathy that she does today

today, she would take the shirt off her back at a busy intersection in the middle of the day to clothe me. she would shave her head and rip her clothes if it meant my wellbeing was ensured.

i don't know what it took for her to become the person she is, but looking back at everything i had to go through, i'm so glad she did. i would've never believed she was capable of it.

but unfortunately, i did have to go through the worst of it. i don't know, maybe my older sisters had it even worse, but i'm not going to sit here and compete in the suffering olympics with 2 other people who should be over their trauma by now. cope with that how you will.

since i can remember, eating was not a choice in my household

you either ate the meal that my grandmother or my mother made, or you sat there until you ate it cold, but you sat there till that plate was cleared.

and i could not stomach the vegetables that they would put on my plate, she would make sautéed beet salad, or squash soup (my least favorite), or col, which is the leafy part of the cabbage, i'm sure there's an english name for it.

and i would have to sit there and eat them

and they would make me a plate with meat, rice, and a vegetable, and i would postpone the entire meal because i knew i couldn't eat the vegetables on their own

so everything got left on the plate

and i wouldn't even fucking eat them

i would tire them out and wait for them to go the bathroom or something, and throw it away

or i would chew it up and spit it into a napkin, and then shove it deep in the trash

and i don't think i ever really ate my vegetables

but eventually, around 10 or 11, my mom bought a juicer

and she would make green juices, mostly consisting of carrots, celery, apples, or anything else she could find in the fridge

and i fucking hated them

they were so disgusting, they tasted awful, they made me want to puke

however, my mom was so sick of me not eating vegetables, and honestly i understand her concern. i probably would've been a sickly teenager if i was only eating meat carbs and dairy.

she couldn't take it anymore, and i know she was just concerned for my nutrition, so eventually, i would dance around drinking the stupid fucking juice for so long and make myself late for school that she would put as much juice as she could fit into my mouth and plug my nose.

i relate it like something funny that used to happen in my childhood.

you know how everyone's mom used to do weird stuff like that

but i think back to it and i think about how much it impacted me

how much i dreaded waking up in the morning, knowing what was coming

how she would wake me up an hour earlier because of how long i took

how she'd have it ready for me, every morning, on the table

the hours i'd sit there, watching people come and go

how she'd knock the cup against my lip, pinching the skin against my teeth

her hands around my jaw

how my body would reject it

how it singed my nostrils when it came back up

how i cried

how she'd make me drink it anyway, backwash and all

how she'd hit me

how no one stood up for me

how no one told her there was another way

no one told her it wasn't necessary

the lack of empathy in everyone's eyes

how they looked at me

like i had earned this

like it was my fault

a lot of people talk about how in puberty, your body makes you resent your parents to prevent mating, as an evolutionary tool

it's biological, you can't control it

but this was my catalyst

this bred years of hatred and resentment and anger and hostility

i was the family pariah for so many years

but i wasn't just a moody teenager who thinks everything and everyone is lame

i genuinely hated every single member of my family for allowing everything that happened to me

[toi-tabiji]

i know for a fact i'm malnourished, because i don't willingly eat fruits, vegetables, or drink water

and most people would tell me "aren't you a little embarrassed?". No.

I'm insanely embarrassed

I hate eating out with people, i hate going to restaurants that only serve healthy, nutritious food

i've relied on fast food my whole life because i know that they don't give a shit about sneaking a little greenery on my plate

the sooner they can give me heart disease the better

and i've never been able to tackle this problem

most people grow out of it, but I was never able to. I have the worst appetite of anyone I've ever met. Thinking about eating a vegetable makes me want to throw up

granted, there are vegetables that i will eat, some more willingly than others.

avocado, in the right context, i will destroy

peas corn and carrots mix(sometimes green beans), paired with a meal, i will eat willingly some days

spinach, on the right dinner plate, will eat willingly

that about sums it up

as for fruit, banana, apple with no peel, pomegranates, seedless grapes with no skin

i spend my life lining up my symptoms and trying to figure out a cure

every health issue i have is a visit to webmd telling me i have crohn's disease

granted my symptoms get more and more severe by the day, i'm gonna have to work something out

but i know i'm approaching this the wrong way

life is not a survey that you fill out and get your answer

i'm not going to find the solution to my problems

it's an open world rpg and i just have to make the best of my situation one day at a time

[toi-tabiji]

i would venture to say that both of my parents are smarter than most people.

my dad knows so many things, which unfortunately he learns from watching so much history channel and the discovery channel, but he knows so many things and he's always asking me things he doesn't know (mostly about the english language). and my mother, who got further ahead in school than my dad did, and even went to college and something adjacent to med school, is unfortunately not the most book smart person i've ever met. she does, however, have more common sense and emotional intelligence than most people.

unfortunately, boomers and gen x-ers from latin america are not usually intelligent or well spoken people. they are usually from backwater little towns and grew up with no money and no education. all they know is hard work and having kids.

i was lucky that my parents value education so much. most hispanic parents care about their kids being successful no matter what. that they make money, and maybe, if time permits, that they're happy.

my advantage is that my parents also valued intelligence and civility. they taught me manners, they taught me how to properly communicate, they taught me vocabulary, grammar, basic language rules. i'm fully fluent in both english and spanish.

most people say that they're fully fluent in spanish, but unfortunately this is a complete lie.

most people i know are complete asses at speaking spanish. they have terrible pronunciation, almost no vocabulary, or zero understanding of basic grammar rules. the worst of them suffer from all 3.

i'm not saying that it's a bad thing if your parents never properly taught you spanish, but unfortunately, when your parents only speak spanish, and you speak to them in english, that's a sign that your language skills are your own fault. or it's a sign that your parents were selfish enough to make you only speak english to ensure you didn't grow up into a dirty little wetback.

have some pride

you're never gonna be white

all you have is that sweat down your back

[toi-tabiji]

also i've just been stressed out big time recently, i'm moving apartments and this semester has been whooping me in my ass and i can't seem to catch a break.

i've gotten a lot of advice from people being like "just give up, move back home, don't make this harder than it needs to be"

but i personally feel like if i give up now, it'll all have been for nothing

i made it this far by myself

no one helped me

sure my parents support me financially any way that they can, but that only comes out to like, $100-200 a month, which is wayyy more than they can afford, and considering my rent is like $700, plus groceries, plus utilities, plus daily expenses on top of the fact that i only work part time so I can go to school full time

it feels like i have a lot on my plate, and i don't feel like i'm enriched academically enough to have a surefire successful path post-graduation, and that's what i'm scared of

is that i'm not going to be able to apply my degree towards anything that I care about, and I'm going to end up with a job that barely even requires a bachelor's, and i'm not gonna be smart enough to get a master's, so i'm just stuck in limbo until i can take out social security

i just want stability, and happiness, and love, and gratification

is that too much to ask for?

[toi-tabiji]

Anyways back to business,

My roommate is such a major bitch, like usually I can assess people and be like "oh she clearly had something happen to her that made her this way" but she is just genuinely a mean person.

Every single interaction you have with her goes to waste if she can't make you feel like an idiot.

And what helps is that she is by no means smarter than me.

Which sounds so snooty to say, like "oh i'm so much smarter than her, she's just the village idiot" but I can't go one conversation without fact checking her to her face and being like "i think i know what i'm talking about, cool it with the constructive criticism"

like i don't understand how after all this time she sees how frequently, blatantly wrong she is and she still feels it in her power to correct people on areas that she knows nothing about, just so she can feel some kind of intellectual superiority bc she has a bachelor's degree before we do.

girl fuck you

[toi-tabiji]

I feel like a bit of a hypocrite when I preach peace and love and empathy but I usually have the hatred in my chamber to be the biggest cunt in the entire world at any given moment, so sometimes when I feel like venting, even though it's not directed at anyone, I feel like I've defrauded myself, and I've let down my own personal image that I pride myself so deeply in.

[toi-tabiji]

if there's one thing i am afraid of, it's death.. not like dying, but death..

i have intrusive thoughts about my parents dying, and sometimes when i get high, i worry that one day, when i'm stoned out of my mind and not be in the right headspace, i'm going to get the call, and i won't be able to process it correctly for a few hours, and then by the time i've sobered up, i have no idea what's going on, and it's an overwhelming concept, and it hurts me so much and i hate it and it makes me mad and i start crying because i don't understand why i'm unable to delay the inevitable.

it's going to happen.

there's no preferred time for it to happen, maybe at least when i've had some happiness and livedness, a stable life, a loving partner, a grandchild or two, and career, menopause, social security benefits, sciatica, 2 hip surgeries later, a terminal cancer.................

people get into accidents, they get cancer, they get murdered, they disappear, their lives are ruined and they're never the same and it's almost worse than dying..

i don't know that i would be able to handle that.

i think it would change the course of my life.

because of how much i love and cherish and depends on by my parents.

they love me so much.

they love me so unconditionally.

i don't know what i could've done to deserve them.

they do so much for me.

no one will ever love my as unconditionally as my parents do.

and it's not a bad thing.

i can still have the love of a sister.

the love of a nephew.

the love of a cousin.

the love of a partner.

the love of a best friend.

they're not the same love.

but they're unconditional.

and i am deserving of the love i receive.

but i will never have another set if parents in my life.

it consumes my thoughts.

i get so paranoid that i'm going to be high when it happens that i spiral.

help me

hhelp me

[toi-tabiji]

the concept of tasting something random that brings you back to a certain age, hits you with a wave of nostalgia.

what about the thing you know will give you nostalgia, but you taste it, it feels unfamiliar. there is no nostalgia, but a fleeting moment of recognition. come and gone.

[toi-tabiji]

i am by no means a poet.

we know this based on my lack of an audience.

but i like to get on here and start talking about things. and letting my feelings out. and just putting things down. because my thoughts are so fleeting.

[toi-tabiji]

bitch you're literally mad at me over something that was entirely your fault why would you wash your bedsheets at 8 pm knowing how early you go to bed

like you're gonna piss me off so bad you're weird as fuck