toivotonn-blog

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im finally decided and it feels like freedom its just one step far

i just need the tools and a good plan to make sure i dont fail

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I can’t stop this sadness, but death can.

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I wish there was a word for looking completely "like a guy" to the point always being mistook for one in public, basically dressing n looking like the stereotype of guy. Im not sure if butch would fit on this description, regardless of it i dont like that word so i just cant never find a word to fit myself in. Another way of expressing it a bit maybe just, a dysphoric lesbian. But again i just never feel okay labelling myself with these words yet i want to find a word i feel comfortable with

[toivotonn-blog]

this

follow my art on insta!

(C.B)(5.4.19)

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I feel the need to protect others from myself

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Stop the Stigma-Talk about Mental Illness

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i had so many chances to have a good & happy relationship w so many people.. & i ruined them. i ruined every single one of them. WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?

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“Most people need love and acceptance a lot more than they need advice.”

— Bob Goff

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Chronic emotional abandonment is one of the worst things that can happen to a child. It naturally makes her feel and appear deadened and depressed. Functional parents respond to a child's depression with concern and comfort; abandoning parents respond to it with anger, disgust and further abandonment, which in turn create the fear, shame and despair that become characteristic of the abandonment depression. A child who is never comforted when she is depressed has no model for developing a self-comforting response to her own depression. Without a nurturing connection with a caretaker, she may flounder for long periods of time in a depression that can devolve into The Failure to Thrive Syndrome. In my experience failure to thrive is not an all-or-none phenomenon, but rather a continuum that begins with excessive depression and ends in the most severe cases with death. Many PTSD survivors "thrived" very poorly, and perhaps at times lingered near the end of the continuum where they were close to death, if not physically, then psychologically. When a child is consistently abandoned, her developing superego eventually assumes totalitarian control of her psyche and carcinogenically morphs into a toxic Inner Critic. She is then driven to desperately seek connection and acceptance through the numerous processes of perfectionism and endangerment described in my article "Shrinking The Inner Critic in Complex PTSD" (see link for this article: Shrinking the Inner Critic). Her inner critic also typically becomes emotional perfectionistic, as it imitates her parent's contempt of her emotional pain about abandonment. The child learns to judge her dysphoric feelings as the cause of her abandonment. Over time her affects are repressed, but not without contaminating her thinking processes. Unfelt fear, shame and depression are transmuted into thoughts and images so frightening, humiliating and despairing that they instantly trigger escapist 4F acting out. Eventually even the mildest hint of fear or depression, no matter how functional or appropriate, is automatically deemed as danger-ridden and overwhelming as the original abandonment. The capacity to self-nurturingly weather any experience of depression, no matter how mild, remains unrealized. The original experience of parental abandonment devolves into self-abandonment. The ability to stay supportively present to all of one's own inner experience gradually disappears.

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i think of you and i feel every emotion all at the same time: anxiety, hate, love, resentment, endearment. it's too much for one person to take, so instead, i'll think of you and feel nothing

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I’m so fucking tired of being depressed…Laying in bed for two days..not eating…having to shut brain completely off to even try and get through the day…I’m over it…I am so fucking tired of fighting.

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will you still love me when i start pushing you away because of my deep-rooted fear of intimacy and commitment?

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I know you’re here now. I love the moments when we’re together. But I’m constantly scared you’ll leave me when I show the ugly symptoms of my mental illness