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tojiaesth · 4 years ago

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ice queen. three.

toji fushiguro x f!reader

summary: figure skater!y/n once found solace in the scratching of her blade against the ice, the aches and pains of her body proof of her dedication. after breaking world records and reaching the top she so desperately climbed her way to, she’s at a loss. a meeting by chance, broken promises and guarded walls, y/n gets more than she bargained for by one introspective man.

word count: 1k +

warnings: angst, depression, panic attacks, suicide attempt, mentions of self harm, lots of depictions of poor mental health. read at own risk.

A/N: sorry that this took so long, i’ve been sick :/ i kept editing and editing, it got to a point that i just had to post and hope for the best.

series masterlist -> current -> four

You were exhausted. It had been several hours since you had won gold, having been subjected to countless interviews, photographs and the overall management of press. After millions of congratulations and conversations with other skaters, you were drained. When you finally walked out, dressed casually and grateful for your very comfortable gym shoes, the previously bustling arena was silent. It lingered in the air, and for the first time you actually admired its beauty, the stress of your programme and the masses of people meant you hadn’t really looked around. You weaved around the stairs and sat down, taking a deep breath.

You waited.

You waited for the wave of happiness and gratitude fill your body at the unwavering fact that you had fulfilled your life long dream. Instead, dread sat snugly in the pit of your stomach and you burst into tears. Your shoulders shook violently and you attempted to quieten the sobs that wrecked your body but you couldn’t. You cried like a child, and for a few minutes, you were. The overwhelming numbness washed through you, it was suffocating. You couldn’t breathe, it was too much, this was too much.

You stood up, shakily but swiftly trudging down the stairs, cheeks wet with tears.

What was the point? You had tried everything, furiously wiping your tears of frustration. Nothing had changed since you won, it was disheartening.

You didn’t know if it was your parents fault, if it was yours, if it was starting such a gruelling profession in the first place but you were tired. You reached for your phone in the pocket of your raincoat, fingers unable to punch in the passcode. You lifted down your mask and used the face ID, eyebrows furrowed as you saw you had no new notifications.

You just needed validation, desperately searching through the contacts for the one woman who had her claws in your every thought. You pressed dial, the sound of the phone ringing accompanying the heaviness in your chest and with a couple rings, she picked up.

“What is it, Y/N? I’m busy.” Your mothers usual snappy tone hit your ears and you swallowed down more tears.

“D-did you get my voicemail?” You cringed at how pathetic you sounded, voice cracking and evident of your breakdown.

There was a long pause as you heard voices in the background, it sounded like your father.

“...Yes.”

More pauses.

“Is that all you can say, Mom? I won. I did it for you and Dad. It took everything in me and I just...I want you to-”

“I don’t have time for what you want. Our business is on the verge of collapse and you think your stupid problems matter? As selfish as always.”

You clenched your phone, she had continued in a condescending tone but your attention was elsewhere. The growing anger that had slowly risen over the years was finally reaching a tipping point, boiling and twisting itself into an unpleasant form.

“Fuck you.” You spat.

“E-excuse me? How dare you-”

“I said fuck you, Mother. When have I ever been selfish? You and your husband have completely neglected me for the past twenty years and I’m the selfish one? You know what...I’m done vying for your approval. All I ever wanted was to hear you say you were proud of me, but that’s clearly never going to happen. You treated me like shit since the day I was born. You’re a terrible person and it breaks my heart knowing I was never given a chance. I don’t deserve this and as far as I’m aware, I don’t have parents. Have a nice life.”

You pressed end before you heard her reply, your fingers moving to block the number. You calmly placed the device into your trouser pockets, shrugging off your coat. You suddenly felt hot. As you walked out of the arena and into the main building, the air was cool on your t-shirt, bringing you back to reality. Your ears began ringing and air constricted around your lungs. Ignoring the torturous sensation, along with the heavy sound of the rain, you dragged your suitcase and opened it up, digging wildly around. Grabbing your skates you searched for the nearest window, which unfortunately were pretty high up, mouth twisting at the burning need to dispose of them.

Everything they represented was ruined. Your accomplishments, passion and determination was rooted out by the stem and ripped from the ground. All you saw now were your parents sneering faces, along with everyone else who had ever mistreated you.

You knew you looked crazy, eyes red and puffy, mascara dripping down your cheeks as you shivered at the cold, holding your skates like a newborn baby. You had tipped your suitcase over in the frenzy to find the equipment that you usually placed at the bottom, and your clothes were all over the footpath. A few individuals were still loitering, eyes curiously on you but your eyes were fixed to the window, deep in thought.

The roof! How could you forget that all arenas usually had large rooftops? They were your comfort when you needed a quiet place before a programme. You turned around quickly, ignoring the screaming at the back of your head and the sobs that threatened your body. Your phone buzzed wildly in your pocket, hot to the touch but you barely noticed, feet walking for you as your mind shut down.

“Isn’t that...Y/N?” Megumi asked, turning to his father. They had both snuck out, hiding from Mai’s overbearing parents who insisted on multiple family photos.

Toji slowed down as he noticed you open what looked like a large, heavy side door that you wouldn’t have noticed if you walked past. You struggled, the skates awkwardly placed in your hands reducing your strength. He could only see your side profile and they were still several feet away, but as someone who could quickly read situations, he determined that something was wrong.

“Dad?”

“Yeah? It looks like her. Megumi I think Maki went to get some snacks, go find her.”

Megumi side eyed his father, who simultaneously looked back at him. A silent agreement took place and his son turned around in the other direction.

Toji looked back at where you were spotted, except you weren’t there. His eyebrow knitted in confusion when he saw a single figure skate outside the same door. Moving closer, a black iPhone was placed next to it, a small crack lining the screen.

What the hell? He picked up the phone and it’s sensor lit the screen up, his eyes automatically scanning the text messages.

Akira: Please please pick up the phone. I’m really worried. I heard what you said to Mom, can we talk?

Father: How could you speak to your own mother like that? I have grown tired of your temper tantrums. Contact us when you are ready to apologise.

Shoko: I’m outside, let’s get drunk olympic athlete!!

Kou: Congrats, princess. I wish I was there. Call me later? I’m so proud of you.

Toji stopped reading, realising he was invading your privacy. But from what he could gather someone was worried and something had happened. Your phone rang again, and he froze, debating whether to answer.

His fingers moved before his mind.

“Y/N! Oh thank god, are you okay? I was really worried that something had happened, you sounded really upset on the phone and it scared me-”

“Hello?” Toji’s deep voice hit Akira’s ears and there was silence for half a second.

“Who is this? Where’s my sister?” Akira ran his fingers through his hair, he was surprised he still had hair at the severe stress he was going through.

“I’m...a friend. She left her phone on the floor? I think she went somewhere.”

Toji couldn’t explain he had only met you once and had picked up, essentially, a strangers phone.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck. Please could you go and look for her...she’s upset and,” He trailed off, not wanting to cause a panic.

“it’s complicated.” He finished.

“Okay, I saw where she went but it looked like she wanted some privacy. I can go and get her.”

Thank you. Tell her to call me when you do.” Akira let out a sigh of relief and ended the call.

Toji pocketed the phone, his eyes trailing at the random clothes strewn near the entrance. He recognised the dress you wore in your programme, and how sad and lifeless it looked curled up in a ball.

Quickly opening the door, he slipped through and let it clang behind him. There was a flight of stairs leading to an open door, wind blasting through and making him shiver. Even with his suit jacket, the air was bitter, a tender drizzle lightly spraying his skin as he concentrated on not falling on the slippery stairs. As he walked into the open air, he looked around, the stormy clouds ominously patterning the sky and darkening the area. There was no chairs or anywhere to sit, just a huge rooftop with a small, short railing that poorly lined the wall. He finally noticed you tucked into a corner, arms beside you, the one skate in your hand. You were soaked, hair clinging to your forehead as he moved closer, the wind was loud and he couldn’t hear anything but it looked like your lips were moving.

- - - - - tw: suicide attempt - - - - -

His mouth closed as quickly as it gestured to open, not wanting to startle you as your feet teetered on the edge. Toji was not one to panic, usually very calm and collected, a trait that many of his subordinates respected. In spite of this, his heart was beating out of his chest, a light sweat broke out on his forehead as he slowly neared. He slipped off his jacket, his mind reaching a million conclusions as he thought of ways best to reach you.

Time seemed to slow down when your stance wavered, foot slipping off the edge. Your skate dropped first, cruelly beckoning you as your body moved to follow. It looked so serene, the lightning glinting against the blade so quickly you didn’t even think about the sheer consequence of your actions. Would there be light? Or darkness? You had contemplated death so much but never what followed. Despite your acceptance, and as you braced yourself, your arms were grabbed and shoved with so much strength, you shrieked, body collapsing onto an arm as you fell back. Your chest was against someone, sensing their heartbeat wild in their rib cage, which mirrored yours. The adrenaline coursed through your body and you found yourself out of breath, lost as to what just occurred.

You both lay there, making no attempt to move, heartbeats simultaneously slowing down as the rain seemingly took its anger out on your surroundings.

“I’m...sorry?” You whispered, your questioning tone laced underneath your voice, now thick with tears. You didn’t know why you were apologising, but the heaviness in your chest returned when you began processing what you attempted. You were only brought back to reality by the strange man you were on top of, his somehow warm fingers laced around your arm.

Your head moved slightly everytime he inhaled, remaining silent.

Toji on the other hand, needed a moment. He never expected to be in this situation, nor worry that he had to stop a woman from dying. The look in your eyes were morose and completely defeated when you tried to fall, for a second everything slowed down and his body filled with dread.

“It’s okay. Here.” Toji shuffled up, bringing your shaking body with him, he gestured to the jacket he previously wanted to place on you, hesitating when he saw it was ruined. It was drenched with the rainwater that was beating against your heads, lying in a puddle on the floor. You were both ice-cold and needed to go inside, the unfriendly clouds aggressively emptying on the rooftop. Your legs were still jelly like, the adrenaline was still pumping in your veins and the drowning sadness was...gone.

You giggled, and it turned into laughter, head thrown back as your eyes closed. After a few minutes, you sighed contentedly, looking up at the sky as the rain drops fell softly on your cheeks. Your eyes glistened and you felt the man’s presence behind you, his hand gently placed on your shoulder, as your head dropped into his chest.

It was strange, in spite of the fact that he was a stranger, he was oddly comforting, assuaging the intense emotions raging through you. For a split second, as you fell it felt freeing.

But that scared you. As hard it was to live sometimes, you swore you’d never do anything like that. The small circle of people you cared about would be devastated. You couldn’t do that to them. Although a minuscule, albeit hated part of you wondered...would your parents care? Would they be full of regrets?

You didn’t know. You despised that they still inhabited your thoughts. You also despised that they could invoke such strong and scary emotions from you sometimes. You couldn’t believe that for a second they drove you to want to hurt yourself.

“You must think I’m crazy.” You stated. As you both stood there, the occasional clap of thunder making you jump, his protective arms lay across you and you did nothing to deter them.

“I don’t.” The bass of his voice rumbled against your back, piquing your curiosity at its familiarity. You turned around, his thoughtful eyes landing on yours. His hair was stuck to his forehead, draping across his eyes as rain droplets slid down his lips, a softer, more rosier colour than you imagined. The rain continued around you and you stared at each other, his green eyes boring into you. They were sincere, slightly concerned and not at all glancing at you in disgust like you feared. He was the kind man from earlier who gave you flowers. It stuck with you. Your eyes became misty and you looked away, the chemical reactions in your body altering itself back to normal.

“What’s your name?” You asked, eyes transfixed to the floor.

“Toji Fushiguro.”

“I’m Y/N L/N.” Your back was now to him, fists clenching at the soreness in your heart.

“Yeah. I know.” He replied softly. His hand clasped around yours as he guided you towards the door.

“Let’s go inside where it’s warm.”

You tugged his arm back a little, planting your feet on the floor and he stopped his motion. Lightning flashed across the rooftop, the both of you becoming significantly more soaked but you were distracted by his eyes, noticing golden flecks aligning his irises, emphasising its virescence.

“Do you ever feel like dying, Toji?”

His eyes fell on yours, scanning your face as you watched a reflection of the next flash of lightning in a puddle.

“Sometimes it’s all I think about. Maybe even everyday.” You continued, not waiting for a response. The sudden urge to empty out your soul to the tall man next to you was overwhelming.

“No matter what I do I can’t shake this suffocating feeling that my life will come to an end and I’ll be filled with regrets. It’s like someone is constantly sat on my chest and it goes away briefly when I skate.”

You sniffled and attempted to talk through your tears,

“Pretty heavy stuff for a 24 year old huh? I’ve accomplished everything I wanted...except the one thing that really mattered. My parents hate me so what’s the point? I was doing it for them - skating I mean. Now I feel like I’ve wasted years of my life, ruined the passion I had for the sport, pushed people away in a desperate attempt to stay focused. For what?”

You grew angrier, your fists clenched, the material of Toji’s dress shirt was bunched as your forehead leaned against his chest.

You sobbed for what felt like hours, eyes raw and cheeks red as he silently comforted you, his large hand pressed against the back of your head.

“Y/N. Chasing after unattainable goals was bound to make you feel this way. You are too hard on yourself. I don’t want to presume anything but instead of treating skating like a way to win the approval of others, treat it like a hobby. Maybe that way you’ll fall back in love with it again. I also think you deserve a break.”

He spoke softly, his smell enveloping your nostrils and as his hand lightly touched your hair, you felt your tears quieten. You didn’t want to have another panic attack. Your eyelids became heavy, and for a few more minutes you calmed down against the heartbeat in his chest, mimicking his slow breathing.

Part of you wanted to scream and run at the mere thought that this man had seen you in your most vulnerable moment, but he was sincere. You also understood what he was trying to say, now that you had won a gold medal, it was time for a long break - maybe even forever. You weren’t sure. It saddened you but you also felt relief. Maybe all you wanted was to hear that from someone else.

“Okay. Thank you for hearing me out, I truly appreciate it.” You gazed at him, his blurry figure underneath your eyes as you blinked back tears.

You looked up at the sky again, the rain slowing down and you wanted to laugh. The pathetic fallacy of the situation was amusing but liberating. The rain represented your struggles but it was now coming to a close.

“Let’s go back.” Toji took his hand in yours again and the feeling of safety washed through you.

You gently squeezed his hand as a response and your legs moved for you. Before you knew it, you were back in the arena, the area void of people. You sighed in relief and looked at your clothes that were still chaotically placed on the floor. Your foot brushed your other figure skate, the guards removed, the fluorescent lights catching on the blade.

Toji saw your demeanour change as you let go of his hand, shoving any piece of clothing into the case, purposely avoiding the equipment that your life revolved around. Your clothes dripped water onto the floor as you looked around wildly.

“Ah shit, where’s my phone?” You muttered to yourself, annoyed at the drama you felt you caused. The bright lights provided sudden clarity and you felt saddened that you had truly reached rock bottom.

“I have it, I noticed it on the floor as you left. I apologise for taking it.” Toji answered, reaching into his pocket and taking out the device.

“It’s fine, thank you.” You took it from his hands and as you looked down and scrolled through your notifications, Toji studied you. He wanted to ask if you were feeling better, or even probe more at what drove you to such a dark spot, but he appreciated that you were a reticent person and had actually opened up more than he’d expect. He also wanted to ask if you had any support, reluctant to let you leave his sight.

“Someone named Akira called. He...wanted to know if you were okay. He actually asked you to call him.”

You looked up slowly, eyes ascertaining his.

“That’s all he said.” Toji’s inquisitive eyes continued to look through you.

You fumbled with your phone, sensing his next question.

“I’m never going to do anything like that again so you can stop looking at me like that.”

Toji moved to reply, stepping towards you.

“Y/N?”

You both turned around.

Mai had come from the opposite direction, entire family in tow as their voices filled the area. They quietened down quickly, faces screwed at the scene before them. You both must’ve looked strange, stood stiffly in a corner with clothes soaked and uncomfortably clinging.

They were honestly the last people you wanted to see.

“Hi.” You forced a smile, willing yourself to act normal.

“I didn’t realise you were still here! I actually wanted to talk to you - wait why are you guys soaked? Or even...together?” She fired, hands placed on her hips. She too, was dressed down compared to before.

You froze, unable to come up with an excuse, faltering under the gaze of several eyes.

“Someone threw her things outside, I was helping her get them back.” Toji coolly replied, hands in his pockets.

A woman gasped behind Mai, moving closer.

“Oh my, are you okay? Have your things been returned? Some people can be very nasty! Well I guess with winning gold you’re bound to make enemies, Mai unfortunately was subjected to bullying when she was-.”

Mai cut her off as she rambled,

“Mom. Not now.”

She turned to you sheepishly.

“These are my parents. Don’t take anything they say seriously.” She gestured to the couple, continuing her introductions.

“This is my sister Maki. We’re twins. Oh and this is Megumi! Toji’s son.”

Despite your causal nodding and friendly acknowledgements, your eyes must’ve given away your shock at the new fact.

Toji chuckled next to you.

“I...thought he was your brother.”

“I get that a lot. No surprise with my good looks and-.”

“Dad, give it a rest.” Megumi huffed, seemingly used to his behaviour.

You smiled and awkwardly clutched your suitcase.

“I should go. It was nice to meet you all. Congratulations Mai.”

“Thanks!” Mai beamed at you, nudging her sister, who smiled back at her.

“It was lovely to see you skate in person, Y/N. Please, you are welcome in my home anytime.” Mai’s father shook your hand and his friendly aura almost made you forget your embarrassing appearance.

“Thank you, Sir. I appreciate it.”

“Oh no need to be so formal! Please call me by my first name.” You bowed appreciatively, really needing to leave.

“Wait! Could I have your number? Um I was hoping we could, talk? I don’t know, you don’t have to!” Mai shyly asked, hands behind her, her cheeks dusted pink.

“Sure.” You unlocked your phone and she quickly punched her number in. After she finished, you gave one last wave to the eccentric family.

“Thanks for your help, Fushiguro. It meant a lot.” You whispered, smiling. Toji felt a pang to his stomach, your smile was genuine but the hint of sadness hit his chest. He straightened up, ruffling your half dry hair affectionately.

“No worries.” He hesitated, worry evident.

“Do you need a ride home?”

“No! I think my friend has been waiting for me.” You had seen more texts from Shoko within the last ten minutes, her impatience obvious.

“Okay. Please take care of yourself.” He had lowered his tone amongst the chatter and you smiled weakly.

“Don’t worry. It’ll take time but I’ll be fine.

You shivered again and his eyebrows furrowed.

“Megumi. Give her your jacket.”

Your eyes widened, “No it’s okay!”

The warm material was draped around your shoulders anyway as Toji moved closer to you. You turned your face away so your blush wasn’t noticed. He smiled.

Maki and Megumi, two very perceptive individuals, glanced at each other, eyebrows raised.

Your phone rang, your cue to leave and you gave them one last goodbye.

“Uh, your skate? It’s on the floor.” Megumi remarked, pointing towards the equipment you had kicked earlier, shoving it behind what you thought was a hidden curve in the wall.

You sighed wearily.

“Ah! Thank you.” You grudgingly picked it up, hiding your dismay and as your eyes found Toji’s again, you could see the concern in them. You gave him one last reassuring nod and left again, hypersensitive to your surroundings. You sent your brother a quick text, tucking the skate into your arm.

Me: I’m okay. I think I need some time away from everything. I probably won’t be replying to any messages in the next few weeks but just know I’m safe.

It sent and you looked through the rest, replying to what you could and ignoring the angry messages from your father. Your phone rang and it was Shoko.

“I’m literally outside, don’t kill me.” You began before being interrupted.

“You’re all over Twitter, your name and Japan is trending and there’s like a million videos of your programme being retweeted. I’ve been busy watching them all and I am so so proud of you, Y/N. Let’s go out tonight, I wanna make up for being a sad excuse of a friend who didn’t even get to see it in person.” She rambled, her voice half sad, half excited for you and your eyes crinkled in happiness.

You needed to hear that.

“Done. Although with my current state, I will need to go home and change.”

Your eyes noticed her range rover parked outside the arena, windows rolled down despite the weather.

“It’s freezing, what’s with the windows?” You asked, having ended the call and leaning on her car.

She squealed in delight and quickly jumped out the car, engulfing you in her warm embrace. Her brown hair draped across your face as you inhaled her sugary scent.

“You’re incredible,” She murmured into your shoulder.

“I don’t think you realise that. But you will, one day.”

Your eyes glazed over and for the tenth time today you cried. She bundled you into her car, ungraciously throwing your suitcase in her boot. She slid beside you and her eyes shined with tears and you forgot everything that happened today. You loved that Shoko could turn the dark feelings that festered in you into smaller, more manageable pieces.

“Now enough tears. Let’s get this party started and for one night I will be an extremely irresponsible doctor and encourage you to get wasted.”

She giggled as you rolled your eyes, pressing a button where music drifted into the speakers. Band-maid, one of your favourite groups, filled the vehicle, the heavy rock sounds of the song Blooming commencing as you tipped your head back against the leather seat. You smiled and nodded your head along as she drove, eyes on the bright lights of the arena that slowly disappeared.

The feelings running through you were now a lot lighter on your shoulders as you twisted the hem of your jacket. Your mind wandered back to piercing green eyes, a distinct scent that would not leave your nostrils and warm hands that you could still feel around your own. You sniffed the collar of the jacket, realising where the same smell was from and scoffed. It made you lightheaded.

Shoko was still rambling in the background, slightly drowned out by the music as she animatedly discussed the itinerary for tonight, it was only 7pm and she emphasised how the both of you hadn’t explored the night life in Tokyo. You were surprised at your excitement as she spoke, earlier events pushed aside, but deep down you knew it needed to be addressed. Yes, you were young, successful and no longer decided to chase after things that made you unhappy but it would take time to heal.

Now was the time to start.

“Hey, Shoko?” You moved to turn down the music and looked at your best friend.

“Yeah?”

“I hate to be a killjoy but I’d rather just have a quiet night in. There’s also...something I wanna talk to you about.” You nervously looked at her, figuring out her reaction. You needed to confide in her and your mental health could only take so much.

She looked back at you, noticing the redness in your eyes and heavy eye bags and smiled softly.

“Of course babe.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

“What the-”

Megumi slowed the car down after hitting something, his eyes glancing in bewilderment at his father.

“What? You insisted on driving, you figure it out.” Toji replied, shrugging his shoulders. Despite having said that, he rolled down his windows and peered out, noticing something shining against the street lamp.

He grumbled and got out the car,

“I’ll have a look. Next time check your surroundings, idiot.”

Megumi cussed under his breath, turned off the ignition and took out his phone.

The air was cooler, compared to the storm from half an hour ago. He walked towards what he thought was a piece of glass, hoping it hadn’t punctured the tyres. As soon as it was in his line of sight, he realised, looking up and seeing the arena’s rooftop above him.

Ah.

He thought about leaving it there but changed his mind, grabbing the lonely skate and discreetly putting it into the boot of his car. He slid back in the car seat, eyes clouded as he scrutinised his earlier conversation with you.

Did he say the right things? Should he have not let you go? Or given you his number? He was kicking himself, but he trusted you wouldn’t do that again.

“Dad? What was it?” Megumi asked, irritated at his father’s lack of response.

“Nothing. Start the car.”

“But I heard you open the-”

“Start the car.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

tag list: @kriswu46 @deadflowerd <3

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