tolkientolkientolkien

[tolkientolkientolkien]

Ungoliant produces a darkness so thick it can actually counter light, which is terrifying, but I would kill for that when it’s noon on a sunny day and I’m trying to nap. 

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Bill the Pony would have made it all the way to Mordor, fight me on this. 

[tolkientolkientolkien]

you should come within biting range. no reason

[tolkientolkientolkien]

Boromir Lives AU: High Uncle of the White Tower

A follow-up to It's a BABY

First, as so many folks have pointed out, the baby's name, with the boron root, meaning "steadfast, trusty, enduring;" ergo Boromir: "steadfast jewel" and Elboron: "steadfast/enduring star." I love this as a memorial in canon, but we ain't in canon here and I get to make it an honorarium instead because I am drunk with power.

Good luck getting that baby back, Faramir.

"I'll have him wear nonskid waders, I swear."

While this is obviously a nod to Sharpe, I was actually inspired by Sean talking about how he used to play with toy soldiers when he was young ("you know, about twenty") on History Hack.

Later, at the all-units Pass in Review:

Boromir Lives: Helm's Deep

Boromir Lives: Whump-Time After Pelennor

Boromir Lives: GO TO SLEEP

Boromir Lives: Aragorn's Coronation

Boromir Lives: Faramir and Eowyn's Wedding

Boromir Lives: It's a BABY

Boromir Lives: The Haircuts

[tolkientolkientolkien]

My two last neurons, I love them dearly

[tolkientolkientolkien]

First rule of worldbuilding is think about the economics too hard. What's going on with the coffee, chocolate, sugar etc. Establish trade routes about it. How high are the import taxes. What is the conversion rate of your fantasy currency. You won't need to know this unless it's thematically relevant but a certain type of reader will ask

[tolkientolkientolkien]

I don't fuck w nerds, the moment I can smell lore correction coming I'm like "Oh Neptune" and I gotta call my mom and ask her to pick me up

If I'm like "I really liked the scene where Gandalf learns the truth about the Ring in the first movie" and someone's like "Oh you mean when he was in Minas Tirith, originally known as Minas Anor when it was first built in the Third Age?" I am pulling the nearest fire alarm

[tolkientolkientolkien]

“What do you fear, lady?” Aragorn asked.

“Surface-level anti-femenist interpretations of my character,” Éowyn said. “To kill a major antagonist and then to become a healer and have people say that it’s because I’m a woman or something. I’m a complex character.”

[tolkientolkientolkien]

[tolkientolkientolkien]

my mum was googling for an article about why everyone in the lord of the rings film is white (like to be clear she was annoyed by this) and the google ai was apparently like “everybody in the lord of the rings is not white. gandalf is grey.”

[tolkientolkientolkien]

Galadriel: To bear a ring of power is to be alone

Sam: God dammit Frodo stop trying to get away from me I’m coming with you no matter what. 

[tolkientolkientolkien]

“Sauron is a loyal Maia” factoid actualy just statistical error. average Sauron betrays   several people per year. Morgoth Georg, who lives in a cave & gets 99.99 percent of Sauron’s loyalty each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted. 

[tolkientolkientolkien]

Me trying to flirt: would you like to watch The Lord of the Rings (extended editions)

[tolkientolkientolkien]

lotr but nobody knows anything about the other races

Pippin thinks Legolas is a woman

Boromir is convinced that the hobbits are all 15 max

Everyone thinks that Merry and Pippin are twins, except for Legolas, who is convinced the hobbits are quadruplets

Sam thinks that Aragorn, Boromir and Legolas don't have to eat to survive

Legolas doesn't mention things he sees or hears because he thinks the others have noticed them too and just assumes they have a plan

Pippin complains that he is hungry and Legolas just gives him a handful of grass. Pippin is so confused that he just takes it, and now Legolas tries to figure out what hobbits can eat by just giving them random shit, like

Things the hobbits have accepted and likely eaten later (a list by legolas)

-Grass - Leaves

-Stones - a hair tie

-A feather - one of Gimli's shoes

The hobbits and Gimli just assume that this is what elves eat

[tolkientolkientolkien]

Gigolas kings of miscommunication and cultural differences

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[tolkientolkientolkien]

i love how Gandalf invested in Hobbits in year one and has been pushing them ever since. Thorin, i hear you need help with a breaking and entering. Can I recommend one of these little cunts? Silent as fuck, trust me. Elrond my dude i know you're skeptical but these four chucklefucks just transported a weapon of mass destruction all the way here. Theoden, you've gotta get yourself a hobbit man, I've got a spare one here. Denathor you big prick, take a hobbit - literally this is the bottom of the range but listen to him sing. Beautiful little bastard.