tonycuseoblog

[tonycuseoblog]

Too Short

I’ve felt self-conscious about my height for as long as I can remember. In elementary school, I was the smallest kid in my class and I was teased about it. I remember other kids picking me up without asking and me feeling embarrassed by it. 

In high school, I remember googling “how to grow taller” and doing extensive research into the subject. I read books and PDFs, did stretching exercises, slept with one side of my bed raised (one writer said that this would help). I even bought special inserts made of plastic with sharp bumps all over them that were said to stimulate growth. 

The inserts were incredibly painful to wear - I could only leave them in for 15 minutes or so at a time without immense pain, but I was determined to grow so I kept this up for a couple months. Later I bought inserts made of foam to make me appear taller, but they too hurt my feet and I always felt fake when wearing them. 

In college, I looked into “leg-lengthening surgery” - a procedure that costs about $16,000 and claims it can add 2-3 inches to a person’s height. The procedure is rather gruesome - the doctor breaks the patient’s tibia and fibula in two and inserts a telescoping rod directly into the cartilage. 

Over a period of about 3 months, the rod gradually pulls the bones apart, about 1 millimeter a day. As the leg bones are stretched apart, the body’s natural healing response is to grow new bone, nerves, arteries, and skin to renew the area and replace the gap. Next comes 3+ months of intensive physical therapy. Risks of the surgery include stretching of the blood vessels and nerves surrounding the broken bone, nerve damage, uneven lengthening, hip problems, and even paralysis.

As I wrote that - I notice myself holding my breath, feeling anxiety, and recognizing on some level the absurdity of the idea. Yet, there’s still the part of me that thinks: “Two to three inches...it might be worth it.” 

I worry about the perception of you reading this now - will you think I’m vain? Will you think I’m being dramatic or that I’m feeling sorry for myself? 

I imagine I am feeling sorry for myself. I feel helpless when it comes to my height. I like telling myself that being short is the worst thing I can be. If I were overweight, I could lose weight. If I had grey hair, I could dye it. There’s no “cure” for being short. 

I am 5’4. I usually lie and say I’m 5’5, which is pretty hilarious, in a way. Somehow in my mind that one inch makes all the difference. 

What it really boils down to is that I don’t feel attractive being this height and I imagine women don’t find me attractive because I’m too short. I meet many men who say my height doesn’t matter, and women who say I shouldn’t worry about it or that women don’t care as much as I think. 

And yet, I could count on two hands the number of women who have told me I was too short over the course of my life, and there have been at least 3 in the past 6 months. Frankly, I imagine there are many others who have thought it but haven’t said it. 

I’ve started listing my height on my dating profiles now. This is partly an attempt on my part to own it and just be upfront with who I am and how I am. But in truth, it’s largely a practical decision. Inevitably, at some point, she asks me how tall I am via text and when I respond with the lie: “5’5” it’s most often met with “I’m sorry, I like taller men” or with silence and ghosting. 

I like to tell myself this story that my life would be totally different if I were taller. I’d be more respected, people would notice me more, women would find me more attractive and I could more easily be “rough” and “dominant” in the bedroom, which seems to be the preference of almost every woman I meet these days. 

I feel inadequate. And I feel shitty about feeling that. I notice myself having the thought often lately: “If I could, I would change almost everything about me.” I feel some pressure behind my eyes and my eyes are watering slightly as I write this. 

In saying this, I am reminded of what I think of as a cruel irony that I often find myself stuck inside: 

Me feeling unattractive is unattractive. Me saying I don’t feel sexy is un-sexy. 

As such,  I feel really trapped. I don’t know how to get to a place of loving me or even liking me, frankly. I have moments of acceptance, but there aren’t many. 

I can recognize that much of what I’ve written are simply beliefs. Maybe women don’t care if I’m short. Maybe I don’t need to feel sexy to “be” sexy. But even as I type that I notice I’m shaking my head. I feel pretty attached to these beliefs and seem pretty insistent on feeling sorry for myself. The end. 

[tonycuseoblog]

Be Impressed

In my last post, I shared my intentions for 2020 and my Life Purpose write-up. I think I had some illusions of grandeur about the response it would receive. I had a fantasy of seeing lots of comments on the document and people making positive comments about me, saying how great I am and how inspired they were, and so on. As a result of these fantasies, I managed to create a bunch of expectations and in turn, a lot of disappointment. I imagine this is something I do a lot in my life. I have a pattern of expecting a lot from other people and then feeling disappointed when they don’t deliver. I think I do this with life in general too. I expect a lot out of life and am often disappointed when I don’t get what I hoped for. I notice myself frequently having the thought lately, “Life really isn’t all that much fun…” I feel sad and embarrassed writing these things. I feel keenly aware lately just how often I want to be impressive or be perceived as impressive. This is especially prevalent when I’m around women. I would go so far as to say that I want nearly every woman I meet to think of me as impressive and to feel attracted to me in some way. I feel slimy admitting that. I judge myself for all of this. I am often “on guard” against my desire to perform and impress and I tend to hate myself for wanting to seem impressive. I also pretend to be modest sometimes, in order to give the impression that I don’t care about being impressive but it’s largely an act. I’m telling myself this post is too short and, of course, not very impressive. I’m tired of writing and don’t feel like doing it anymore so I’m stopping here.

[tonycuseoblog]

Intentions for 2020

I have been delaying this post for several weeks now. As I prepare to write it and to share what I’m going to share, I’m trying to understand what I’m feeling. I think there’s a bit of fear and apprehension and also some apathy and disconnection. 

I’m going to share with you my intentions for 2020 along with my “Life Purpose Statement.” I wrote these at a Life Planning Workshop several months ago. I am experimenting with living a more intentional and directed life. Frankly, I want my life to be about something. I want to create a life for myself that excites me and helps me feel, well, alive. 

I want to explain a bit of the background of this document before I share it so it has a bit of context:  I followed a system outlined by Dr. Brad Blanton in his book ‘Practicing Radical Honesty.’ If you read this post/document and are interested in learning more, I recommend getting to book or you can get in contact with me and I’ll take you through it! 

Here’s a brief breakdown of the structure of this document:

First, you’ll see the title of the document and my theme for this year, along with what I’m calling my “Credo” and some quotes that I feel fit my theme. After that, you’ll find the “My Story” section where I’ve written a bit about my upbringing, my wounding, and how I want to use those things toward creating a life I desire. 

Then, you’ll get to the crux of the document, my “Life Purpose Statement” which states what I want my life to be about and what type of world I want to create. 

From there, you’ll see my “project write-ups.” My life is broken down into a series of “Domains,” which are essentially categories of my life - a way to sort all the things I’m already doing and the things I want to be doing into logical groupings. Within each Domain, there are “Projects” - things I want to create and call into being. Each project has specific sections which I won’t describe here because they are self-explanatory and because I’ve grown tired of describing this document.

I am going to post a link to the Google Doc at the bottom of this page. I’m curious to see what happens. Essentially, anyone who reads this post will not only have access to the document but will also have the ability to comment on it (you’ll see some comments from others on there already). I feel a bit nervous and excited about that, and deeply curious to see what, if anything, this creates.

This document is quite personal to me. It reveals what I want for myself and for the world. It tells about what’s important to me and how I want to spend my time. I feel scared of what people might say in response. I fear your judgments about what I want for my life, especially when it comes to sex and relationships.

I also feel excited. I anticipate feeling “freer” after posting this. Everyone will know what I want and what I’m about. They might love it, they might hate it. I am curious to see what happens. 

Here’s the link. Have at it: 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bEkQF-FBSqruEHgfk3ZII0AuynHfljgpmh3gRaqDkoU/edit?usp=sharing

[tonycuseoblog]

Winter Woes

Welp. I have not kept my commitment to writing every week. And, I feel sad about it and a bit embarrassed too. I also imagine I learned something: The longer I wait to restart a habit, the harder it seems to be for me to get back into it. More or less every day for the past couple weeks I have had the thought, “I should write a blog post today” and each day that I didn’t follow through, the more I didn’t want to do it. I’m not sure I really want to be doing it now, frankly. 

I imagine myself to be deeply feeling winter this year. By which I mean, it seems like my body and mind don’t want to do anything except sit or lay down and watch movies or bum around on the internet. It feels like I’m often at war with myself - rest or work? Relax or get things done? 

I’m of two minds (per usual). Part of me says it’s good to rest. I should allow myself to relax and recuperate. The other part of me says I should be doing things and making moves and getting shit done. Ideally, I’d like to simply observe both sides of myself, but more often than not I notice myself jumping on Team Productivity for a while, then switching to Team Relaxation, then back again, over and over and over. It feels rather shitty. 

I tend to make the shitty feeling shittier by judging myself for relaxing, or for not getting enough done, or both! I notice lately just how often I’m taking myself to task. On some level or another, I feel displeased with myself and what I’m doing/how I’m being almost all the time. It’s exhausting. And, I don’t know how to break the pattern. 

I’m in an almost constant state of resistance. I’m in a state of resistance at this very moment. As I’m writing this I’m thinking, “This isn't very good. People aren’t going to like this post - it’s boring and negative and frustrating to read.” 

The subject matter for my Radical Honest course this week is “Self-Disclosure,” so I’m going to do a bit of self-disclosing to finish up this post. I might be doing this as a way to “save” this post and add a bit of excitement. I’m not sure. I’m not certain of my motivation. So, here we go:

-I think this blog post is shitty and I feel a bit scared to post it. I also feel proud knowing that I will post it and I’m trying to relieve myself by having the thought, “I don’t care what people think.” But, I know that thought isn’t true, so it provides little comfort.

-I notice I feel a bit more alive after writing that last bit. I can make myself feel “cool” and “tough” for writing what I wrote and I like making myself feel that way. 

-I want people who read this to be impressed with what I’ve written. I want them to think I am brave, interesting, and attractive. I want you to be impressed by my honesty and think good thoughts about me. 

-In a previous post, I wrote that I was going to share my intentions and goals for 2020 and I haven’t done that yet and I imagine I’m resisting doing it and avoiding doing it by telling myself I don’t know the “right time” to post it.

-I’m trying to come up with one more thing to reveal so there will be 5 bullet points because I’ve convinced myself that having 5 is a pretty good number. I am smiling a bit thinking about this and I imagine it’s a silly and absurd thing to think. I want you to laugh or smile when you read this last bullet point. I also just read back through this post and I kinda like it and am surprised by that.

[tonycuseoblog]

Impermanence

I imagine this will be a short post this week. I am writing with a heavy heart. A few days ago, a friend of mine died in a car accident. It took a bit of time for the news to reach me, and even more time for it to sink in. 

For the first few hours after having heard the news, a part of me was hanging onto the idea that my friend would come back. I kept imagining that her absence was only temporary. It felt almost like she was just on vacation in another country - I wouldn’t get to talk to her for a while, but when she returned, we’d reconnect. 

It was only when I had the thought, “I will never talk to my friend again, she’s gone forever” that I finally felt the sadness in my body, and later, the tears on my face. 

I have been “lucky” in some ways - I haven’t dealt with much death in my life to this point. However, I have this sense that it will become a greater part of my experience moving forward. 

I notice myself not wanting to turn this post into a “Live every moment like it’s your last!” or “Make the most of your life while you still can!” speech. Even when I faced my own mortality during my years of cancer and chemotherapy, I never connected to these popular inspirational adages. 

Having lost my friend, I still don’t sense freedom or gratitude for having survived when others have not. There’s a part of me that wishes I did feel I have a “new lease on life” or that “every day is a gift.” There’s a part of me that feels guilty for not feeling these things. The only change for me is a felt experience of the truth of impermanence - a visceral sense of the way in which all things come into being, and eventually dissolve again into nothingness.  

I miss my friend. I wish she were still here. I feel sad that she’s gone and sad that I won’t ever speak to her again. And, I acknowledge that this is the way of all things. Coming and going, coming and going. 

Everything is changeable, everything appears and disappears; there is no blissful peace until one passes beyond the agony of life and death.

— Gautama Buddha

I love you, Brooke. I will miss your laugh and your smile and your warmth. 

[tonycuseoblog]

Ohh Life

Welp! I made a commitment to writing each week, so here I am. I have been in a training for the last couple of days and will be for the following two weeks, approximately. 

I have not had the time (according to me) to write an in-depth post. So, instead, I am writing this so I can fulfill my commitment to post every week. 

I imagine I’m cheating a bit. And, I’m ok with it. 

[tonycuseoblog]

Life Purpose - Part 1

Yesterday, I looked on facebook to see when I last wrote a blog post and saw that it was a week ago today, meaning that if I wanted to stick to my commitment of one post per week, I needed to get one out ASAP. I will confess to feeling a bit panicked and resistant toward posting. To be blunt, I didn’t really want to do it. 

As I sit here now, however, I am checking in with myself to see how I’m feeling about writing this post. “Do I want to be doing this?” And “How do I feel as I’m doing this?” are questions I’ve been experimenting with asking myself lately. In my pursuit of living more intentionally this year, I find these to be important questions. I imagine that for much of my life I’ve mindlessly done things I thought I was “supposed to” do. I want to break that pattern. 

(I notice that I feel more energy in my body as I’m writing this now, and I’m having the thought, “Hey! This is coming out pretty easily and sounds pretty good so far!”)

I recently attended a Life Planning workshop led by Dr. Brad Blanton, someone I consider to be a dear friend, a mentor, and an inspiration. I spent five days with Brad and the other trainers and participants learning a method for becoming the creator of my life and living according to my preferences, rather than seeing myself as a victim of circumstances and living in accordance with my “shoulds.”

Over the past several weeks, I have created a document that summarizes what my life has been like up to this point, what I’m doing with my life right now, how I want my life to be moving forward, and what kind of world I want to create for myself and others.

I’ll be sharing all the aspects of this document with you in the coming weeks. It’s my hope that at the very least you’ll read these posts and they’ll foster some reflection and interesting conversation for you and the people in your life. My ultimate hope is that I can manipulate you into living more intentionally and influence you to create a plan for how you want to live.

In this post, I’m going share my “Theme for the Year,” my “Credo” and my “Quotes for the Year.” I’m going to paste them here and then discuss them a bit afterward, then I’m going to get the hell outta here! So, without further ado, here they are: 

RADICAL LIVING & LOVING

Jan-June 2020

by 

Tony Cuseo

Theme for the Year: Coming out of the Dark, Stepping into the Light, & Giving Up Anonymity

My Credo:

I am worthy of love. I am worthy of being desired. I am worthy of esteem. I am of value. 

I am a leader. I allow myself to receive. I gift myself abundance, pleasure, and ease. 

I give myself permission to take up space, to speak my mind, to share my gifts, and to inspire others. 

Quotes for the Year:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness

That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small

Does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking

So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,

As children do.

We were born to make manifest

The glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;

It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we're liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.” 

- Marianne Williamson

“Man is most nearly himself when he achieves the seriousness of a child at play.” 

-Heraclitus 

“Such vision is for those only who see with the Soul's sight ‒ and at the vision, they will rejoice, and awe will fall upon them and a trouble deeper than all the rest could ever stir, for now they are moving in the realm of Truth. This is the spirit that Beauty must ever induce, wonderment and a delicious trouble, longing and love and a trembling that is all delight...the Souls feel for it, every soul in some degree, but those the more deeply that are the more truly apt to this higher love...those only that feel the keener wound are known as Lovers.” 

-Plotinus 

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- - 

(I feel warmth in my chest and face. I feel proud of myself for sharing this with you and I feel a bit nervous about it as well)

I think I’ve spent most of my life playing small and feeling unworthy. I could probably come up with all sorts of reasons “why” I lived like this, and next week I’ll be sharing the “history of my life” with you, but in the end, those “explanations” don’t really matter. They’re most likely rationalizations anyway. 

The important thing is that I’m fed up with doing it. My intention for this year is to experiment with valuing myself more and seeing what happens if I put myself in a position to be noticed and fully seen. This is what the “Giving Up Anonymity” line is all about. I’m tired of hiding and I’m done playing small. 

Next week I’ll continue this process of revealing myself by sharing with you my Life Purpose Statement. I’m looking forward to it. See you then!

[tonycuseoblog]

It’s Me, Again...

Welp. It’s been a while. It seems I have stopped and started this blog at least three times now. I find New Year’s resolutions a tad cheesy and have often resisted making them, but I’ve discovered that when a live my life without specific intentions, I end up living through my old patterns and other typical bullshit. 

So, I have set an intention for 2020 to write a blog post each week for the next year. I am making a commitment to myself to publish SOMETHING every week, even if it’s short and terrible. I imagine ‘consistency’ to be something I don’t do all that well, so I think this will be an interesting and enjoyable challenge for me. 

Furthermore, I plan to use this blog as a practice in continually revealing parts of myself that I want to hide. As I believe I mentioned in a previous post, one of my favorite comedians - Mike Birbiglia - has an album entitled, “My Secret Public Journal.” I think it’s a great title and I wish I’d thought of it first, frankly! 

I see this blog as my own secret public journal. I’ll be sharing my inner world, so to speak - revealing my nagging thoughts, fears, self-destructive patterns and hopefully some love and joy on occasion as well. 

Largely, this blog is a selfish experiment. It’s my hope that in continuously saying “out loud” what I’m thinking and feeling, I’ll escape my own attachment to my mind and what it says. Instead of identifying with thoughts and feelings, I’d like to be the being that simply notices them coming and going. I’m hoping this blog will help me toward doing so. 

In sharing this process publicly, I’m hoping to inspire (manipulate) you to do the same. I want you to start telling people the things you don’t want them to know about you. I also want to normalize this behavior. I want all of us to share our secret hidden thoughts so we can a) escape the jails of our minds, b) see that everyone else is just as crazy as we are and it’s not a big deal and c) connect intimately with each other.

In the coming weeks, I will be sharing with you my intentions and projects for 2020. I want to tell you, and everyone, what I want my life to be about and the things I want to create. At the same time, I feel a bit vulnerable sharing these things - part of me wants to hide instead. Anyhow, stay tuned for that in the weeks to come. Happy New Year and thanks for reading!

[tonycuseoblog]

On Heartbreak: Part 2

I titled my previous post “On Heartbreak: Part 1” because I imagined I had a great deal to say on the subject. I was feeling so much at that moment and thought, certainly I’ll be writing post after post about heartbreak.

What I found was that my thoughts and emotions were moving so fast that I could hold onto one thought of feeling long enough to write about it. By the time I sat down to put words on paper it was gone and writing about it then felt like a lie of sorts, because it wasn’t real for me anymore.

I find this to be the case with most everything. Emotions, thoughts, feelings, and dare I say life move so fast that I can’t keep up. There’s a certain hilarity (or perhaps madness) in the fact that I’m still trying to keep up. I wish I would learn.

Looking back I often think, “Oh that was silly. Why was I so wrapped up in that thought or feeling? It seems so meaningless now.” But in the moment, whatever I’m experiencing seems incredibly important. I make it into a huge deal when in reality I will likely look back on it and laugh if I even remember it, that is.

Now, back to heartbreak:

There’s a certain beauty to having a broken heart I find. Maybe it’s the sappy romantic in me (or the masochist) but loving when your love is not wanted has a certain poeticism about it. And in a sense, it’s representative of how I want to live.

If you’ll allow me a rather nostalgic and perhaps absurd metaphor, I’m reminded of my dog Willie, who kept me company during most of my childhood. Willie loved EVERYONE. It didn’t matter if he knew you or not. If he saw a stranger, he’d run up to them with his tail wagging and rollover within moments in hopes they might scratch his belly.

Willie didn’t stop at just humans either. He tried to befriend other dogs in the neighborhood who were rather overwhelmed and put off by his energy and enthusiasm. He went even further and tried to befriend the cats in the neighborhood as well. And while his efforts were met largely with hisses and claws he was undeterred. He’d leave with scratches but that didn’t seem to dampen his spirits in the least.

I consider him an inspiration. I wish to love the way Willie loved - with reckless abandon. Rejection be damned! May I love and love regardless of whether my love is accepted or reciprocated. 

I wish to love the way Willie loved - without bias. May I love anyone and everyone. And may I not stop there - may I love all things, all emotions, all outcomes.

I wish to love the way Willie loved - all the way, with a full heart. May I be so full of love that I cannot help but give it all day every day.

“Love people not for any reason at all - just loving is so good, so beautiful, so intrinsically blissful that it is not a question whether the person who is loved deserves it or not. You are in love just like a raincloud - so full of rain, ready to shower. You cannot bother whether the rain falls on the rocks or on the thirsty ground, it is not your concern. Your whole concern is you are so full and overflowing that you have to share” - Osho

(Me and Willie hanging out in the backyard)

[tonycuseoblog]

On Heartbreak: Part 1

I don’t want to be writing this. I don’t want to reveal it.

I’m embarrassed by how often my heart seems to hurt over love lost.

To all the people who when learning that I am polyamorous accused me of being a player, a womanizer, a slut - fuck you. I love to love. 

I love HARD. I love all the time. And as a result, my heart breaks all the time.

You would think that after all the loss I’d toughen up or the pain would lessen, yet here I am, wanting to dig my nails into my face and shred the skin.

I hate that I’m writing this. I hate imagining you reading it. I envision the eye rolls and scoffs. I fear being seen as dramatic and immature. I’m scared of what you’ll think of me.

I love my heart. I love the way I love. And, I hate it. All at the same time.

I hope when I die I have a heart full of scars and bruises. Shattered and beautiful.

How dull it is to pause, to make an end,

To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use!

-Tennyson

[tonycuseoblog]

My Secret Public Journal

I haven’t written a post in quite awhile. And, in a way, I feel proud of that. As I look back on my “absence” I can see that I’ve been quite busy living.

When I finished airing my “dirty laundry” in my previous posts, I felt unsure about how to continue this blog, and what to use it for - until now.

As I’ve continued my commitment to honesty and truth, I’ve challenged myself to be what I’m calling, “relentlessly revealing,” by saying the things I’m afraid to say, speaking my fears, naming the elephant in the room, and so on.

One of my favorite comedians, Mike Birbiglia, titled one of his albums, “My Secret Public Journal.” My vision is for this blog to be my own secret public journal. I plan to use it as a way to share things I’m scared to share, talk about things that will likely ruffle feathers, and ultimately, I hope it will serve as a tool for me to escape the jail of my mind.

On a workshop recently, I came upon one of my fears: being “seen” and taking up space. So, this blog will serve as a tool for me to take up some space, get over my shit, and reveal, reveal, reveal ad nauseum.

[tonycuseoblog]

Dirty Laundry - Part 3

This post will conclude my “dirty laundry” saga (for now). I’ve tried to have each airing of my dirty laundry correspond to the three levels of truth outlined in Radical Honesty - Level 1: revealing the facts, Level 2: expressing current thoughts and feelings, Level 3: exposing one’s attempts to maintain a certain image to the world in order to manage and manipulate perceptions.

As such, in this post, I’m going to explore the way I attempt to control the perception others have toward me. In essence, I’m going to own up to the games I play. Off we go:

People Pleasing

I think I have mentioned this briefly in previous posts, but I’ve come to realize that this a large part of the identity I’ve created for myself. I have spent most of my life doing most anything and everything for anyone, largely driven by a desire to be liked and loved. I’ve sacrificed my own desires and feelings in order to satisfy others, to the point that I’ve lost almost complete sense of my own needs and sense of being.

Side-effects of my need to please include never saying no, seeing all requests from others as obligations and/or being wary that they are trying to take advantage of me, rarely saying no, rarely expressing my own needs or asking for help, rarely disagreeing with others, avoiding conflict, and suppressing anger.

Craving for Approval & Fear of Disapproval

Again, this has been mentioned previously, but I have become acutely aware of my desperate need for the approval of others. And perhaps even more glaring is my fear of disapproval. I hate being told no, and am quick to change my position or hide my feelings whenever someone opposes me. I believe on some level, I am desperately wanting someone, anyone, to validate what I think and feel, and to tell me I’m “ok.”

Pride in Suffering

Some part of me enjoys being a victim. In the past, I’ve taken great pride in having a “hard life” and enduring so much pain. I will even compare my degree of suffering to that of others in order to feel superior. I’ll often think, “Oh they haven’t suffered like I have suffered” and I’ll get a twisted type of joy from this feeling of superiority. As such, I think I choose to continue to suffer. I like the idea of hurting and it has a certain appeal. It’s possible I could heal quickly starting right now, but the comfort of suffering has such a strong pull I resist.

My Sadness Masks My Anger

For the past 15+ years, I have been some degree of sad, unhappy, or depressed. And, I more or less accepted this and wrote it off as, “I’m just a sad person. That’s the way it is.” It’s only recently that through self-exploration and the help of friends, that I’ve come to realize my sadness is just a mask for underlying anger. I have layered sadness on top of my unexpressed and repressed anger in order to hide it.

I’m Not a Nice Guy

I think most people would consider me “nice.” Which is exactly what I wanted. In reality, it’s an act. As I’ve gotten more in touch with my anger, I now recognize how vicious and judgmental my mind can be. It is almost constantly silently criticizing others and thinking nasty thoughts. Many of the “nice” things I’ve done were an act of manipulation. I desire to be perceived as nice, so I act nice.

A Pompous Self-Righteous Reflection

To conclude my dirty laundry trilogy, I’d like to get on my soapbox for a moment and address a few questions and comments I’ve received during this process and share a few insights.

Why do you feel others need to know these things about you?

This is the question I have received most regularly. And, I suppose it’s a reasonable one. This question is usually followed by comments about the fact that people don’t “need” to know this. Yes, in a sense that’s true. However, implied in this question and the comments is the idea that there are things about me that are ok for everyone to know, and not ok for everyone to know. Or that certain people who are “close” to me might need to know, but others don’t need to know.

For me, this is a dangerous division. I don’t want there to be aspects of myself that I think, “I’ll only let a select few people in on this.” I am aiming to live a life of full transparency. Everyone can know everything. No secrets. No hiding. Complete vulnerability.

This “dirty laundry” isn’t all that dirty

Again, I agree! But if this is true, why aren’t we all doing it? If we aren’t embarrassed by the things we’ve done, why are we making efforts to hide them from others? Why are we pretending to be people we’re not? The dirt doesn’t seem dirty, only because I’ve shared it.

What’s the point of this? What are you hoping to accomplish?

I’m hoping this experiment will encourage myself and others to be completely open all the time. I hope in doing so we will repress less, and thus hurt less. I would love to live in a world where we say what we think and what we feel.

I think that in doing so, we might realize that we’re all just doing our best out there. We’re not perfect. We’re human. And being human is more than enough. I think this is the path to compassion and love. I can’t say for sure, because I haven’t lived it fully yet, but I’m hopeful.

[tonycuseoblog]

Dirty Laundry: Part 2

Going into this second round of dirty laundry, I will confess to feeling a bit shocked. My previous post elicited a really positive response, and I find myself feeling surprised, and frankly, incredulous? I notice my mind saying, “People were just being nice” and “They’re probably shocked and offended but are too nice to say so.” Silly mind.

Part of me feels like I dropped all my “bombs” in the first post to the point that these will seem anticlimactic. Ironically, these admissions hit me harder than the first, because they are much more intimate. They’re things I have kept hidden from others, but more importantly, some of them are things I’ve kept hidden from myself. They reveal my weaknesses, my silly games, and my attempts to promote a false image of myself to others. Enjoy:

Insanity

I sometimes feel out of control of my thoughts and emotions. Over the years, those close to me have at times voiced concern that I may have serious mental health issues.

Sensations: I notice an increase in my heartbeat, and tightening in the back of my neck.

Thoughts & Emotions: I notice some embarrassment. I notice some anger. I notice my mind chattering about what people will think when they read this.

Resentment

There are times I resent the happiness of others. I have friends who seem to constantly be in a good mood and what’s more, their life seems and has always seemed, easy. I find myself envious of them and at times resent their joy.

Sensations: I notice a sinking feeling around my eyes and tensing in my back and shoulders.

Thoughts & Emotions: I sense shame. Quite a lot of shame. There’s a sadness over feeling this way toward people I love. 

Desperation

I am desperate for love and approval. I have lied about myself and my feelings a great deal over the course of my life in order to be loved and accepted by others. I regularly lack the courage to express myself and what I think and feel.

Sensations: I notice myself struggling to breathe. I notice my jaw is clenched and my breathing is shallow.

Thoughts & Emotions: I notice a feeling of anger toward myself. I notice my mind saying, “You’re pathetic.”

Ungrateful

I rarely feel thankful. I am difficult to please and never seem quite satisfied. My mind is always looking for the next best thing.

Sensations: I notice my mouth feels dry. My lips feel swollen. My face feels hot. I notice myself shaking my head.

Thoughts & Emotions: I feel stupid and spoiled. I am luckier than most and talk so much about gratitude and presence, yet find myself not practicing what I preach.

Feel Sorry for Me

I like it when people feel sorry for me. I think it’s a behavior I learned when I was young. When I appeared weak and helpless I felt the most loved. I notice I still live in this pattern - often playing small, or appearing hurt, in order to garner sympathy from others.

Sensations: I notice excess saliva in my mouth. My body feels cold suddenly and my facial muscles feel tired.

Thoughts & Emotions: My mind is saying, “This is a really disgusting thing to do. It’s like you’re a little baby crying for his bottle.”

Polyamory

For close to two years now, I have identified as Polyamorous. I feel I have the ability to love more than one person. And in fact, feel I could love many people and would love to do so. I have shared this with some close friends and my parents, but have come to fear talking about it openly with others due to the looks and reactions I’ve received in the past.

Sensations: My cheeks feel flush. My body feels limp. I just felt a shiver pass through me.

Thoughts & Emotions: There’s a sense of fear and hesitancy. I notice a desire to “defend” myself and my desires.

Money

My parents still help me with my finances. At the age of 31, I still receive some funds from my mother and father. I also constantly worry about money. I like to pretend like it doesn’t matter to me and I’m above it, but the truth is it does matter. And I never seem satisfied with whatever amount I have.

Sensations: I feel tingling in my right arm. My eyebrows feel sensitive and sore.

Thoughts & Emotions: I feel embarrassed. My mind is telling me that this is quite pathetic for someone my age.

Politics

I have only voted once in my life - when Obama was first elected. I hate politics. I don’t think those in office truly represent the people, and I refuse to participate. I have hidden this for a long time because many of my friends are very political and I fear their judgment.

Sensations: I feel my facial muscles tightening. My upper body feels tense.

Thoughts & Emotions: I fear the reaction this will receive. I have a desire to rewrite parts of the text to soften it.

Drugs

I have experimented with mushrooms on a couple occasions, and once with cocaine. My job prevents me from experimenting with drugs now, but if I could, I most certainly would.

Book Sales

My documentary and book come out in early January. I considered “waiting to be honest” until after they were released because I worry people will look at me differently and will be less interested in watching the film and buying the book if they know all my dirty laundry.

Sensations: Tension on the right side of my face. Pressing pain in my right knee.

Thoughts & Emotions: I notice a sense of curiosity. I notice a sense of sadness.

It’s been a tough week for me. I slipped a bit emotionally - I felt quite down for most of it. Writing this post took more out of me than I anticipated as well. Noticing the areas in my life where I’m a hypocrite and a liar is uncomfortable.

I notice myself wanting to say more in order to wrap this post up and leave it on some sort of positive, but I’m going to resist the urge. Owning up to my shit is unpleasant. End of story.

Gnawing at the back of my heart and mind is also a feeling that there are many more of these secrets looming in the depths of me. I hope to discover those in time as well. And, I hope to have the strength to confront them when I do.

[tonycuseoblog]

Dirty Laundry: Part 1

In this post, I am going to begin the process of airing my dirty laundry. Since there’s quite a bit of it, I’ve decided to do it in categories, over the course of a few posts. This post features what I’m calling ‘sexual’ and ‘emotional’ secrets.

Dr. Blanton’s model puts an emphasis on being tuned-in to the body and the experience when sharing, so along with each “admission” I have written the sensations I’m experiencing and the thoughts and emotions I notice rising in myself.

Let’s get right into it:

1. SEXUAL

Sexual Partners

I have had approximately 30 sexual partners. I am not sure of the exact number because I’ve never kept a running tally. Not that makes me a saint or anything, clearly. For a good portion of my life, I’d say ages 22-29 I was obsessed with women and trying to seduce women. I was lonely and insecure and felt sex and validation would be my path to happiness. During this period, I also slept with two married women without their husband’s knowledge.

Sensations: As I write this, I notice my heart pounding in the back of my chest. I feel clamminess throughout my body.

Thoughts & Emotions: I notice the emotions I have come to label as fear and shame. I worry I will look like a “slut.”

Hook-Ups

During that 7-year stretch, I regularly used the internet and dating apps to meet women. Sometimes these relationships were exclusively sexual. On several occasions, I would meet women with the sole intention of “hooking up” at their home or a hotel room, and then we would go our separate ways. On a few occasions, I traveled great distances just for this reason.

Sensations: I feel waves of energy flowing up and down my legs, and some tightness in my left arm. I find it difficult to breathe.

Thoughts & Emotions: I notice what I’ve come to label as worry. I also notice a feeling of disappointment with myself.

Pick-Up

Around age 22 I discovered the “Pick-Up Artist Community.” I stumbled upon a book that detailed the “Pickup Industry” and was very intrigued by its tales of seduction. Up to that point, I had very little “success” with women and was desperate to learn how to do “better.” Much of the writing and instruction was aimed at quickly seducing women into bed. I felt many of the techniques were inauthentic and rather sleazy. With time, my interest ended. However, for a period of time, I was very keen. I desperately wanted more validation and more sex and was willing to try almost anything to get it.

Sensations: I notice tension in my head, face, and neck.

Thoughts & Emotions: I feel fear and dread. I worry I will be labeled as a “womanizer” and objectifier.

Pornography

Over the course of a few months in my late 20’s I watched pornography and masturbated almost every night of the week. While my viewing is less frequent now, I will still watch and “use” porn from time to time.

Sensations: I am tuned-in to my pulse and heartbeat.

Thoughts & Emotions: I notice the feeling of shame. I worry I will be thought of as a pervert or sex addict.

Vanity

I am very aware of the attractiveness of others, particularly women. While personality plays a part in my attraction, I find I am much more often interested in a pretty face and a nice body.

Sensations: I feel flushing in my face and cheeks.

Thoughts & Emotions: I feel dirty and ugly. I fear I will be thought of as shallow.

2. EMOTIONAL

Cancer

I have been more public about this over the years, but at the time it was happening I was very private about it. I was diagnosed with Leukemia when I was 13, was given a 30% chance of survival - underwent 4 years of intensive chemotherapy, suffered a stroke, collapsed lung, pneumonia, and other side effects.

Sensations: I notice my breath slowing down. I feel a weightedness/heaviness.

Thoughts & Emotions: I notice a feeling of sadness and despair. I notice myself trying to avoid the feelings and to escape the memories of that time.

Depression

I’ve had issues with it on and off since my cancer days. I have in rare moments contemplated suicide, but never seriously and have never harmed myself. I was on and off antidepressants for many years and stopped for good in 2016.

Tears

I am a cryer. This past year I notice myself crying quite regularly. I’d say several times each month, and quite forcefully.

Outsider

I have felt like an outsider for as long as I can remember. Most days I look at other human beings and feel separate from them, almost like I’m a different species. As a result, I constantly feel lonely.

THE TRUTH

Writing what I wrote felt painful. I worry about the backlash. I have a feeling I’ll have to come back and write more about all these things. I have a feeling there’s a long and difficult road ahead of me.

This is not a cry for help. Please don’t text me kind messages saying that I’m not a bad person, or telling me it will all be ok. If you’re shocked, say so. If you think I’m a pig or you’re disappointed in me, call me out.

THE WHY

Some may question the purpose of all this, so let me clarify. I’m doing this for me. I am trying to clear out all my cobwebs. I have accumulated so much shame and guilt over the course of my relatively short life, it’s pathetic.

On a grander scale, I would love to live in a world where we were honest about who we are and what we’re feeling. It seems like pretending to be happy and giving the illusion that your life is always perfect has become the norm. I call bullshit.

And what’s worse, pretending we’re always “AWESOME!” (I hate that word) is doing more to separate us than connect us. How can we expect to connect if we aren’t actually vulnerable with each other? It’s impossible.

I’m going to end my rant here and get off my soapbox because I am 100% guilty of this. Without a doubt, I have spent most of my life thinking I was open and vulnerable but in reality, I wasn’t. There are likely people reading this who know me quite well, and they’re saying, “You’re full of it, Tony.” You’re right. I am. And, I’m trying to change.

This post is already far too long, so let me wrap up by saying this: From now on, I am committed to honesty and vulnerability. I want to live a life of what Neale Donal Walsch calls “complete transparency.” I’ll likely receive some strange looks, judgment, and scorn. And, I’m ok with that. If that’s the cost of real connection, I imagine it will be more than worth the momentary discomfort.

[tonycuseoblog]

Radical Honesty

My hopes of blogging consistently went downhill rather quickly. My last few months have been painful, to be blunt. Some of this pain has been due to circumstances and conditions in my life. My heart is quite broken at the moment and there’s tremendous pain from the loss. I feel very alone. There are a few close friends who reach out to me to try and help and who want to lessen my aloneness, but I resist them. I want to suffer in solitude, it seems.  

I have slipped into bouts of depression here and there as well, and while all these things may be contributing to my pain, I have come to realize that they are not the cause. Somewhere in the depths of me, I am hurting, and have been hurting for a very long time.

Over the last year or so, I found myself regularly searching for “the answer” to my struggles. I searched in the usual places - a workshop or training that I hoped would change my life, a special mindset or belief that would take the pain away, a person/relationship that would complete me and make me happy, travel, money, success, and so on.

Unsurprisingly, none of it worked. And deep down, I knew it wouldn’t. I could sense that no external circumstances, no amount “good” things, would provide me the relief I yearned for. To quote Eckhart Tolle: “Your unhappiness ultimately arises not from the conditions of your life but the conditioning of your mind.”  

What I’m searching for, is what in my head I’ve been calling “condition-less happiness” - a way of feeling solid, free, content, and joyful regardless of what Tolle would term my “life situation.” No matter the conditions of my life, the ups and downs, the wins and losses, I want to feel at peace.

My major barrier to this reality, as far as I can tell, is my mind. I’ve read this in countless ways over the years - the Buddhist talk about the mind/excessive thoughts being the source of all suffering. Countless spiritual teachers have echoed this conclusion as well. The list goes on and on, so I’m going to go ahead and skip to my newest inspiration: Dr. Brad Blanton.

Dr. Blanton wrote a book called Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth, and a followup book entitled, Practicing Radical Honesty: How to Complete the past, Live in the Present, and Build a Future with a Little Help from Your Friends. In these works, he also concludes that our minds are the cause of our suffering. He further asserts that lying is the tool the mind uses to keep us trapped in its “jail.” In order to escape the jail of the mind, he suggests telling the truth - all day, every day.

According to him, there are three levels of telling the truth - the first involves revealing the facts, the second, expressing current feelings and thoughts, and the third, exposing the way you try to maintain a certain image to the world in order to manage others’ perceptions of who you are.

The ultimate goal of telling the truth is to reveal that your mind is a “bullshit machine.” It judges and evaluates constantly, it has irrational and destructive thoughts, it thinks about the same “problems” over and over again in the same way, and gets nowhere.

To quote Dr. Blanton himself: “The secret of the good life is not suffocating in the mind’s bullshit…The alternative, freedom, is often too terrifying for a mind to tolerate, so the mind hides from freedom behind piles of bullshit, under blankets of evolution, in a bed of memories. Describing what is true ruins the escape from freedom that being lost in the mind offers.”

At the risk of sounding dramatic, I have become acutely aware that my mind is slowly killing me. I do not feel in control of it. It seems prone to negative thoughts, bad loops, and destructive patterns. It worries and analyzes endlessly, yet finds no relief or solutions. Frankly, I’m fed up with it. I have resolved to do whatever is necessary to free myself from its chains.

Now, I’m well aware that living in accordance with these principles and telling the truth could be yet another scheme I’ve glommed onto to create happiness for myself. It may be just as fruitless as all the others. I’ve tried. I acknowledge this. I have a good feeling about this one, but that was also true of all the other bullshit in the past as well.

What I enjoy about this model, as a spiritual/hippy-type person, is this: I think Dr. Blanton has presented a practical way to transcend the ego. The ego, as I’m referring to it here, is the false sense of self. It’s the illusion of “I.” It’s the part of me that thinks I’m separate from others and separate from nature. It’s the part of me that compares myself to other men. It’s the part of me that wants to feel safe and wants me to be seen as good and nice. It’s the part of me that wants to be wanted and is desperate to be loved and validated.

I tell you all of this as a warning of sorts. This truth-telling will become the basis for this blog. It will become my path for transcending my ego. In the upcoming posts, I will be airing all of my dirty laundry. I’ll reveal all the transgressions from my past, things I’m not proud of, things I’ve kept hidden out of shame and fear. My plan is to purge myself of all my dirty little secrets.

I will, in essence, open myself up to judgment. I will share my truths. It’s possible I will lose people I care about as a result of this venture. It’s likely that doing this will change your perception of me. And it’s almost certain that you will be challenged and offended by what I share. When I started this blog, I said I wanted to find/reveal my truth. Little did I know, it would be so literal.

For my first bit of Radical Honesty, I give you an admission: I am scared of telling the truth. I feel my heart beating faster, I feel tension in my chest, and I can sense my fear. And yet, I am committed to pressing on. Fuck the ego. I refuse to hide anything anymore. I choose freedom.

I have been reading and doing exercises in the name of “self-love” for the past few months, and while they’ve been interesting, they’re useless. I believe this to be the ultimate act of self-love and self-acceptance - to reveal all my shit, to accept that I’ve done the things I’ve done. I’ve played the games I’ve played. I own them.

Once and for all, I take full responsibility for myself. I choose to escape the jail of my mind. I resolve to tell the truth and nothing but the truth. Consider yourself warned.

[tonycuseoblog]

Introductions

Getting Started

I have written a couple blogs over the past five years or so, and while they were fun, they didn't seem to stick. Recently, I have felt a desire to begin what I hope is my last one.

The previous blogs fell by the wayside for two primary reasons. Firstly, I had a tough time being consistent. Writing regularly seemed daunting, so I eventually just gave up. I intend to do a better job this time around. Secondly, the subject matter felt too narrow. Both blogs had a specific angle – the first, happiness – the second, connection.

While both are lovely topics and certainly things I'm still passionate about, I found I was at times inspired to write about other subjects, but felt I wasn't “allowed.” The voice in my head managed to convince me that people would be OUTRAGED if I didn't stay on topic! Or, they'd simply be disinterested.

This time I have no specific angle. Put bluntly, I'm going to write about whatever the fuck I want. And, I'm committed to ignoring the voice in my head when it tries to convince me my writing isn't good enough, or that what I have to say isn't profound or won't be of interest to others.

Why I Started this Blog

I find myself in a time of transition. My life has come to a fork in the road and I must choose my path. One road could be called my “false self” – a fake version of me that I present to the world because it's safe and comfortable. This me is inoffensive, it's mild, it's well-polished and likable. It's agreeable and adheres to the norms and the status quo.

The other road might be called my “true self.” This is who I am without all the bullshit. This is me without fear of being judged – free from expectations and labels, the me that's present and strong. While choosing which road to take might seem easy, I have found it to be rather challenging. Or, perhaps put more accurately: the choosing is quite easy, the doing is far more difficult.

I've spent almost my entire life being someone I'm not. To quote a line from one of my favorite movies V for Vendetta, “You wear a mask long enough, you forget who you were beneath it.” For me, I spent so long adjusting myself to others and conforming to their expectations and desires, I lost connection to who I am. I now find myself adrift. I'm trying to rediscover my truth and reconnect to myself.

There are moments when I feel absolutely at peace with this feeling. Nothing seems to truly matter, so I don't take anything too seriously. The Buddhist might call it a state of non-attachment. It's quite blissful. Other times I find myself in agony. I feel scared, sad, and hopeless. Even in these painful moments, however, there exists a quiet feeling of hope and resolve in knowing that this is part of the process of coming back to myself.

I have built a great deal of fear around being the real me. Writing these last few paragraphs with the knowledge that they will be shared publicly has been difficult. This, in essence, is the purpose of this blog. I've noticed that fear, shame, and guilt, are three barriers to me living my truth. They have kept me from accepting and loving myself for a very long time.

I intend to use this blog as an exercise in vulnerability. It will be a tool for my self-acceptance and self-love. I'll share what I'm thinking and feeling, I'll likely wax poetic and philosophize often. I will strive to write, and to live, truthfully and honestly. And ultimately, I will be trying to learn to be a vessel for love (more on this in an upcoming post).

What’s in it for You?

At this point, you might be thinking, “Why do I care about this?” (a thought I have every time I see someone post a picture of their food on Facebook). I hope you'll get value out of reading my posts – whether that be in the form of a chuckle or two, a new perspective, or some timely inspiration. More than anything, I hope you feel comforted and understood. In some ways, this will be an exploration of the human experience. Granted it will be about my human experience specifically, but I believe we are far more alike than we choose to realize.

In the social media age, it's easy to feel “less than.” Facebook and Snapchat might lead you to believe that everyone on the planet is doing exactly what they want all the time, they're happy every second of every day, and they're smiling from the moment they wake up until they go to sleep. This is bullshit.

Don’t misunderstand me. I'm all for positivity and trust me, there will be plenty of fun, happy, and silly posts. However, this is an exploration of my truth. And I'm going to be honest – sometimes my truth is fucking ugly. Sometimes I'm a greedy, selfish, judgmental asshole. The challenge is for me to own that, accept it, and then write about it.

I hope you'll resonate with many of the themes and topics I cover here, and that you are inspired to begin exploring yourself. You are encouraged to comment on the posts, express your thoughts, debate me, chastise me, and share your own truth.

Together, may we create a world where we are empowered to be exactly who we are, and to love every moment of it.

Thanks for reading,

Tony