toooldforallofthis

[toooldforallofthis]

I keep feeling like shit, I can't actually keep under a limit. Like I want to I really do, and then I feel like complete shit. I have brain fog so so bad, my eyesight is completely blurry and I can't read stuff on my phone my head hurts. I don't know if I'm not drinking enough water, but if I eat food I feel so much better. I'm terrified of how much I'm eating, I'm avoiding tracking because it's scary. I want to get back to restricting but I can't figure out how. I'm so out of practice. I don't know I'm thinking next week, regardless of how I'm feeling, I'm going to do a mono for a week.

[toooldforallofthis]

I'm struggling with intrusive thoughts. They're pretty bad, not so bad but bad. Like it bothers me because it's like "hey, do a suicide pact with your ex" or like do something something that'll cause the two of you to get traumabond again. And like I have a lot of self harm thought, like god I wish it was just about cutting or something. But it's not, it's worse. And it bothers me that it's just getting more like appealing. I don't know it feels like I'm spiraling without spiralling. I want to get help but I know I won't be able to and like what if it doesn't work. I think I'm at the point where I really do need help but I'm too afraid of it not working. I want to get on pills again but like its kind of like what if antidepressants don't work or the side effects are just too much again. I hate all of this. I really want everything to get back to normal. But like there's no more normal. Everything is flipped around and I'm just tired of everything.

[toooldforallofthis]

I triggered myself into being motivated and wanting to relapse for good this time. But normally I make a list of activities to keep track of the relapse. But I'm thinking I'm just going to eat the same thing for a week and then keep track of stupid butterfly type goals and watching one Ed movie a week. Maybe I'll make a list later.

[toooldforallofthis]

Just a casual conversation between Me and my ed

[toooldforallofthis]

Some films about eating disorders

To the bone

Thin

Binge

Perfect body

For the love of Nancy

Girl, interrupted

Heathers

Dying to dance

Center stage

The Karen Carpenter Story

The best little girl in the world

Maledimiele

First love

To be fat like me

Starving in Suburbia

Hunger Point

When Friendship kills

[toooldforallofthis]

There's a girl on my SC that's went from "lmao I'm crazy fuck guys, I'll do what I want when I want, men serve me, no one can keep me back" to "I love my man and I'm so happy and excited to be a mom" in like two days. I hope she's actually okay but like God that's terrifying. Like going one day being normal to being pregnant the next and having to rewrite your life to not only include one person but having to have a creature living inside of you and relying on you for not just the next 9 months but the next 18. Assuming no complications. Like that's terrifying. The commitment to never being able to be sick again, you can't rely on bad coping because your life now affects a minimum of two other people. I feel like that would just be like a huge trap, like you can't just go manic "in peace". I hope she's happy but she's so young, she's like 19-21. I don't know maybe it's just scary to me because I was a mistake and my mom had me at a young age, or it could just be the dysphoria. Like imagine your body not only having to create life but keep it alive and then your body is changing, subtle ways and then extreme. Having your stomach skin rip apart while trying to walk up stairs. Thats terrifying.

[toooldforallofthis]

I feel stuck in a state between being too old for everything like existing online with and Ed and the other stuff I have sucks. Not because there aren't enough people like me but because I'm just horribly bad at existing the way I want. Like Im so sick of everyone being pro recovery and in recovery or recovered while simultaneously shitting on or fueling other people's disorders. Like without giving real examples people will say stuff like oh I'm pro recovery or I'm recovered but i could never let myself get fat or I'm trying to eat under *limit that is under tdee*. I get why , I can sympathize but I don't want to see that shit, recover or not I don't care. Find a space online that's for recovery not for people actively in their disorders looking to get worse.

[toooldforallofthis]

Colombian jeans are a godsend if you fluctuate weight. I'm between a size 8-12 in pants but I have these size 15 Colombian pants which are perfect. Like if I gain weight I just have to have them sit on my hip hips but if I lose weight, I just gotta hike them up to my tiddies. But here the thing, they make your butt look nice however you wear them. There's something with the way their sewn that makes them perfect to hug all the curves in the right spots. Also these are high waisted, like it has that double hem thingy on the waist, which makes your stomach hide and doesn't come across as bad. The only thing i dont like is that there's no belt loops, but they don't really fall down either. They shift a little bit cause my hips arent as wide anymore but I only have to tug them back up like every 30 minutes.

[toooldforallofthis]

I have to share a room with my sister and it so frustrating because they're so massive and they keep shaking and moving around in bed. Like it wouldn't be so annoying if she didn't literally shake the entire fucking room.

[toooldforallofthis]

I struggle with drinking water and when Im starting to get bad, I can't drink anything that's not labelled right because it gets scary. Which is why I don't use those like mío thingies. But I figured out if I use half a packet of sweetener and 16 ounces of water is perfect. It kind of feels like a light lemonade.

[toooldforallofthis]

Some films about eating disorders

To the bone

Thin

Binge

Perfect body

For the love of Nancy

Girl, interrupted

Heathers

Dying to dance

Center stage

The Karen Carpenter Story

The best little girl in the world

Maledimiele

First love

To be fat like me

Starving in Suburbia

Hunger Point

When Friendship kills

[toooldforallofthis]

easy pesto pasta 🥦 (204 kcals)

my quick food and meal ideas #1

♡ i wouldn’t call this a recipe but i thought i would share anyways ~ this quick and easy pesto pasta can be made in less than 15 minutes which is great for when u’re feeling too lazy to make a full meal (:

quick pesto pasta recipe

1 serving = 204kcals

𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕣𝕖𝕕𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕤

green pesto (2tsp) - 44kcal

brocolli (3 small florets) - 20kcal

milano salami (1 slice) - 21.5kcal

cheddar cheese (2g) - 8kcal

conchiglie pasta (75g)

𝕞𝕖𝕥𝕙𝕠𝕕

add the pasta to a pot of boiling water and, chop and wash the broccoli then add it in around halfway through the pasta cooking time

slice the salami into strips and grill it until all sides are brown and going crispy

drain the pasta and broccoli once it’s cooked to your liking (𝗶 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗹 𝗱𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗲) and plate it up, mix in the pesto & salami then grate the cheese on top and it’s ready to go ~ super easy!

♡ honestly this is one of my go to meals cause it literally takes no effort and i usually have these ingredients in my house, it’s satisfying enough without being boring ~ sometimes i add garlic and chilli flakes and seeds but i kept this one plain and simple, should i share more of my quick meal ideas? i’m planning on posting these randomly ♡

cr: 𝘮𝘺 𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘱𝘦

(𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘵𝘰𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘦)

[toooldforallofthis]

Im kind of stuck between maintaining and dropping weight. Like Ill binge and I get stuck ata weight but I think I'm starting to gain which is scary. I'm so close to getting back to my hw, I'm 170 rn and I feel like I'm just getting closer and closer to hw. I need to drop 20 lbs before summer hits. I wanna be back down in the 150s. I haven't been there since I was in 8th grade. But also I don't know how to drop weight anymore like I'm just stuck bingeing and maintaining or slowly gaining and gaining.

[toooldforallofthis]

Goals for November

Drink more water you dumb fucking bitch I don't care how nice it makes your fingers look, you need water or youre going to overeat!

Try to get away with only eating dinner, two servings are okay only if if skip the other two.

Drink one glass of milk at least every day, it's plant based so it can't hurt me

Stop the consumption of coffee!!! It does nothing, it hurts the stomach and it's not fun to drink anymore. Caffeine does nothing anymore, there's no point to it

Tea is a much better alternative since it's warm, I can make it yummy without everything else and the Jade cloud is so much nicer

Go on walks again, it was nice, burnt calories, and the dogs liked me

I can have a little purge every now and then, as a treat. Ngl Ive been missing it like crazy and it always makes me feel really clean and nice

Loose one inch off everything, the magic string holds the proof

Find better bonespo, kinda bored with normal bodies, like there's nothing wrong with them and much better than my own but it doesn't do the trick anymore

Try to track calories again, at least the days when exercising

If no meals can be skipped, only one plate and have the size slice in half

I know we just started October but I really really need to get back on track. I don't have a scale , my clothes are old and stretched out so Im going to have to do the next best thing; I'm going to have to take down my measurements. I've only ever done it once before and honestly, it wasn't that bad but now that I'm obssesed with numbers, I'm getting anxious over it so I'm hoping it'll be a really big trigger. I wish there was a gc or forum where I could find people around my body weight and try to lose weight together. God I really do miss my scales and I wish I still had my motivation to lose pounds like I did a year ago.

[toooldforallofthis]

I deleted my Facebook profiles because one I don't use them anymore just kind of kept it around for messenger. But also, I finally realized that my ex is actually really toxic for my mental state and I need to finally cut him out. It sucks because I was going to ask him to get back with me today and then he said some stuff that upset me and it just pushed the idea that I can't be myself around him because I constantly have to tip toe around what he wants and what he feels and I'm just sick of trying to not upset him and I'm just tired of doing so much stuff for him and it's just not worth trying to get back with him. I wish I could be with him because we've gone through so much together and he's been there for me for so long but I really can't fucking take him disrespecting me and making fun of the things I care about. Like it's gotten to the point where I'm just exhausted to be around him and I'm just so tired of it all. I'm hoping I can get him to delete all the nudes and lewds I've sent him over the years because I'm just tired of being with him. I'm hoping I can actually stick with it this time.

[toooldforallofthis]

I keep bingeing and I hate it so Im debating just starting over again. Like getting rid of these accounts and everything else online and then just restarting. But I don't know, I kind of like having this account and being on here

[toooldforallofthis]

I really really just want ramen bug we don't have anything in this house that doesn't make me feel gross. Theres cheese, ham, yougurt, and other stuff but it all makes me feel grossed out. Like there's nothing I can eat that'll make me feel nice and I hate it. The ice cream grosses me out. Everything sounds disgusting. My mom bought chicken and I almost threw up because of the smell. I hate this but at least sKiNnY