topi

[topi]

Last Night’s GOT really fucked me up.

Last Night’s GOT really fucked me up (spoilers to follow).

Last night’s episode of game of thrones saw one of the heroes (?) we’ve followed since the first episode turn the dials to eleven with crazy.

This was to be expected after a lot of set up this season, and I totally agree with the HOT TAKES that this season is moving really fast, and a lot of the outcomes arent earned, including this one. But, I’m not here to fuel that fire because there’s enough of that going around. What Im gonna talk about is how this really, really fucked me up..

Watching Dany’s character arc has been such a pleasure - seeing Viserys get his golden crown after treating Dany like a object was so, so gratifying. we see a lot of obstacles placed in front of Dany that she is able to overcome, usually with the help and guidance of one of her counselors, Jorah. 

The last two seasons she loses two of her dragons, and Jorah. 

There is a lot of instances of Dany wanting to make the bad move throughout the series (wanting to kill all the slavers in slavers bay for one), but she eventually comes out on top and we think she is better for it. 

I know, I know, this is GOT and bad shit is going to happen, and good characters are going to fuck up and get axed. But seeing Dany, in a spot of such power, with the ability to do the right thing - just flip out and start making people camp fires- was rough. 

Was she always going to become unhinged when she lost everyone she trusted? did she forget about the bradley cooper guy she left in essos? Thinking about it I actually don’t think he would of gave a shit about her torching everyone.

I guess I’m just pissed off that we lost the Dany that had her shit together, and now we’re left with one episode left of this ten year journey and Dany is probably going to slaughtered by someone. 

This whole episode reminds me of the tag line of The killing Joke - “one bad day” - that’s what it feels like. After all this shit that Dany went through she had one bad day and we’ve lost the strong constitution of her character, pitting all her allies against her. I guess this might end up adding the fuel to the “This season is moving really fast omfg” fire. Maybe if we saw the gentle decline of her into madness it wouldn't of caused such emotional whiplash? 

I guess in my dumbfounded emotional mess I just don’t want her to die, even though she has fucked up big time and deserves it. 

I’m going to drink some tea and wallow in my existential dread.

[topi]

In a funk, but the less dance-y more sleepy funk.

Life is good. I feel like shit. At least I’ve grown enough to know I actually am not shit anymore, though.

Found out shortly after that last post that my mom has throat cancer. The conclusion of the wind up is that she could have it completely removed, but her dementia would prevent her from remembering she had the surgery.

The surgery involves her getting her throat removed (that’d be where the cancer is)and her stomach stretched up to take it’s place. So she would lose the staging ground to her intestines. This means you can’t eat and lay down, and have to eat small meals to lessen the impact on your (now lesser) digestive system. 

I’ve been thinking more about that post i did about a month back - specifically about how when you lose something it’s not the memories that hurt the most - it’s not having them around to make more. 

I had a ridiculously self serving paragraph typed up here, but i don’t need that shit and it’s not what I was going for. 

What fucking sucks about losing someone is missing how they would interact with the other awesome people in your life.

Bleh, enough of this shit, on to good thoughts.

One of my favorite memories I have is the day of my wedding, all the guys in my wedding were huddled in my buddies basement. Sitting around a bar, drinking, and telling jokes we fucking laughed at when we were in 7th grade. It was the first time - and probably the last time -that all of those people will be in the same room. In that room were friends I’ve known most of my life and friends I met in college.  I cherish them all. It was like the feeling of seeing the Avengers for the first time, but it was my Avengers - my best friends. 

That ‘probably the last time’ shit isnt me being pessimistic, but a realist. I used to think thoughts like that would take away from the memory, but they don’t and they shouldn't. I think that’s what I’ve learned as an adult, to take the moments like the one I mentioned and enjoy it. enjoy-every-fucking-second. Life is fleeting, and that is more and more clear to me every day. I’m almost 30 and that blows my fucking mind. I remember when my sister Lisa turned 30 she cried her eyes out. I didn’t understand why that was such a big deal.I get that now. Life moves fast. 

Life comes at you so fucking fast, and you can either let it act upon you, or you take action on it. 

[topi]

We’re all dead.

“ Excuses and shaking heads Can't put stop to it Constantly approaching nothing left Our reflection, gods and guns; Hollow distractions Life begins when trust is placed in death So every day's a brand new chance to Stop throwing our lives away “ 

- We’re all dead by We Are The Union

Guess what previous Adam, you can finally grow facial hair that doesn’t look like complete shit... or you stopped giving a fuck. only took 28 years. 

So instead of reading through all previous #end of the year reviews  I decided to just go into it.

This is probably the first year since I’ve started drinking that I can say that I have a ‘healthy’ relationship with alcohol. I used to have this really fucked up thought process and I figured that I needed to get shit faced hammered to be able to let people know how I was feeling at the moment. I’ve never been the kind of person that just opened up to people and let them know what was going in my noggin - outside of my mom and my (younger oldest) sister when I was a teenager. So with the distance I had from them in college, and my mom’s degrading health I lost (my fault) that safe space to tell people how fucked up my thoughts were at the moment.

I always thought I’d be judged or pitied because of what I said - that’s never what I need - especially that first bit - I just need to let it out.

It took me this long to realize how much of that last part is so important to a healthy head space and relationship. I’ve been super open with what is going on in my head with my wife, even when I know I’m making a big deal out of nothing - I let her know what’s up.This has helped me tremendously with stress and dealing with my feelings. Most of the time I’m able to let go of the stupid fucking feelings moments of letting them pass my lips. I regain the ability to think logically and get my head back into a spot where I feel like a productive, slightly more normal person. also - vitamin d deficiencies are real, yo. making sure I take that shit every day helps me not get into a uncontrollable depression. I still get sad, but it’s no where near as bad as is use to be without the vitamin.

I miss my mom, gang. I’m not sure what posts are private in here and what not - but - about 2010ish she got pummeled by a truck of some kind, causing her hip to explode out of it’s socket and two frontal lobe brain bleeds. 

I remember going to college, and I am a huge mamma's boy. I remember not being able to sleep in the dorms because I missed home so much, I remember going to my car in the parking lot with my then girlfriend, calling my mom and crying to her about how much I missed and loved her. I was 19 at the time, and four months previous to leaving home to go away to college I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. The point is not to whine about this shitty fucking disease that I hate so fucking much, but to emphasize the point that there was a lot of changes going on in my life.

My mom used to call me every day to see how I was doing, and see how classes were going and what not. I’m my mom’s youngest of four, with a twenty year age difference with my oldest sibling. She always used to tell me “you’ll always be my baby Adam, no matter how old you get.” That used to annoy the shit out of me when she said that, but it’s been years since she’s called me or called me her baby. 

Even as the years went on , I’d occasionally ignore her calls and ended up talking to her once a week. 

My mom never left the house, she never went on trips with my dad or our family. She stayed home for reason x and y, it was something as a kid we just dealt with and was normal for us. My mom made trips to come up to school and see me with my sister. That was huge and it was always a nice surprise. It helped me with the depression I was self medicating myself for, and I always had those moments with my mom and sister to help me through some dark times in college.

Since the accident, though, things have been going down hill. It’s been almost ten years now. My mom’s mental state isnt going to get any better, it’s getting worse. I still feel guilty about dodging my mom’s phone calls in college, because I thought I was too fucking good or too fucking manly to talk to my fucking mom for ten minuets because she was worried about me and cared about my well being. I am here today because of my mom, and the strong women I had as sisters. I don’t want to start a pity party but in a few years time I lost my mom and one of my sisters. 

Last week marked four years since my oldest sister lost her battle with cancer. 

I always thought that was a stupid fucking way to put that. “lost their battle.”

I don’t know, I guess I’m just hurt and bitter and I miss my fucking sister, ok?

I don’t want anyone to die, ever. Death is the worst fucking thing in life. I don’t want my friends to die, my family to die. It’s just so fucking sad. It’s a scar that lives on in your brain forever. you don’t miss them less as time goes on, you miss them more. As more time goes by that is less and less experiences you could of shared with them, stories you’ll never get to tell them, hugs you’ll never be able to get again. Bad farts you’ll never smell again. Life is fucked. 

I guess this hasn’t really been a reflection on the last year, more of a reflection on how I’m dealing with losing my mom and sister. 

Family and friends bring me up. The time I get to spend with them is short but impact. I wouldn’t trade them for the world, and I try to sit back and just enjoy the time we have together. 

Outside of the baggage I deal with, this year has been good. Realizing when I’m getting sad and finding an outlet for it, cluing in my wife on what’s going up and just trying to enjoy the ride, even when the people riding with you hop out forever.

I am thankful for every day I get the opportunity to live. 

-topi.

[topi]

Mid year just living

blah.

I bite my nails (all the time, it’s fucking sick)

I pick my nose when im alone.

Ill pull nose hairs (when im alone)

I’m a diabetic. 

my jokes are bad.

I think I’m ok.

sometimes I hate myself

sometimes i want to die

but then I get lonely.

then I get jealous.

then i dont want to die.

then I want to be the last one alive.

then i want to be the first one dead.

midway through the year and I feel Like I've grown so much.

My anxiety is the same, but i feel like I’m hiding it better.

I feel like I’m 100% full adult dude now.

Ive been given the chance in my job to mentor others. I think it’s going well. The first person I mentored told me that I was the best mentor she ever had, i was patient, and didnt get aggravated. fucking good, i think. nobody that’s learning anything should ever fucking have their teacher/mentor/whatever get angry at them for learning. even if YOU(the teacher) are frustrated. the goal is for the mentee to learn, and if you’re visibly getting angry you need to give up that shit.

I’m sure shit like this is ‘common knowledge’ for people like my (fucking awesome no sarcasm) wife, but it isnt for me.

I keep feeling like every day this could end.

north korea or trump is going to end this world, and we’re all fucked.

my life is so fucking good right now, and i feel like it could end at any second. 

dude, swearing is fucking awesome.

I’ve been sitting on doing a ‘mid year’ journal for a while now. Me, Adam, just wants to vent.

Blogging is a way to do that (duh if you’re one of a few people reading this).

I feel like I’m at the part of my life where everything is going SO RIGHT that at any second I’ll get cancer and die, or some other random accident will happen out of the blue and ill live my life alone.

Everyone is disgusting in their own way

O MAH GAHH HHHHH DRAKE JUST CAME ON

I know a lot of people think that drake is bad. But i love, fucking love the “I’m the shit, fuck everyone else” attitude. 

this is probably something I lie because it’s an attitude I always wished I would of have in my life. I’m too kind, and I know I’m not the shit.

I’m eternally thankful for my friends. 

Quote of the day: “Adam you’re number 1!”

“Maybe number 1 at feeling number 10″

[topi]

This thing looks like a modal

So I meant to add to this and post this months ago, originally written the first week of January - presented now without edit since then.

blah blah blah year end review/self thought/insert rick and morty joke here

This year a lot of things came to a realization. 

One of them was if you split me down the middle I am almost a perfect split of both my parents. Between my moms heart and my dads brain. 

I digress.

This year has been fast one, which probably means I’ve been having fun. This time last year I was still working at the place I am now, but in a different position. I didn’t realize it at the time but I was really stressed out, which was putting stress on my relationship with my then fiancee. (spoilers: we got married!)

My best bud was in a relationship with a polar opposite girl, but it seemed like it was going in a good direction.

My dad was finally making moves to get my mom out of our shit house. 

My sister was continuing to grow as a mom, and I saw all of the things I loved about in my mom, in her.

Wedding planning started to get into full swing, we went to wanting a backyard wedding to blowing up our guest count a bit and doing a hall.

I thought I had no reason to not be happy at the time, but in truth I wasnt happy. I was quite sad, and I wasnt sure what it was.

I thought it was me. It wasnt. It was my job.

I loved the people I worked with, but I was having issues dealing with the stresses of the job. The constant “NEED THIS YESTERDAY” , “OMG THIS IS ON FIRE, THATS ON FIRE, YOUR ON FIRE FUCCCCCCCCCCK” was grinding me down, and I didn’t know what to do or how to change things.

Then I had a really, really, bad fucking week at work (side note: another realization this year - I really love swearing).

I had hit a plateau at work and couldnt see where my career was going. I had a bunch of shit go wrong in one week, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m really good at keeping my feelings inside, but my team was even like “yo, adam is always chipper and happy, you ok buddy?”

I had finally found the anvil that broke the camels back, I had waited too long to finally step up and say something. I had taken multiple sick days before this week because i need ‘stress free’ days, which usually ended up me lying in bed crying. 

My old lead was a fantastic individual, and I learned a lot from him. The problems with this job had nothing to do with him, it was just the type of work that we had to do. 

I pulled my lead into an office “we gotta talk.”

I told him how I was feeling for the last few months, how something needed to change and something had to give - that something wasnt me. My goal when I started was to grow into a .net engineer, and that wasnt happening. My lead had tried but it didnt make sense on our team, and other teams werent going to have me in their systems if i wasnt a full time .net guy. I was the jack of all trades and master of nothing, I could never grow into a senior engineer in this position.

My lead told me he had let me down, and he was going to make everything right. Mentally I gave him three weeks or I was going to go to internal transfers and get out somehow.

The following monday he came to me with two positions that fit my career goals - one within our division and one out-  I took the on still within our division.

Literally it was the 2nd best decision I’ve made in my career, first was interning at my now place of employment. 

I ended up as a .net engineer, with a new lead I was familiar with, and have a lot more in common with. I’m having fun and learning about things I care about, and I work with a bunch of engineers that make me smarter with every answer to my questions they give. It’s an amazing experience I thought I would never have, I am living my dream job.

This opened up my relationship with my now wife, and I feel like the stresses that are previously there are gone, we have so much fun together and I love that woman with every ounce of anything that makes me, me.

There’s something really odd about life and growing up. There’s lessons people can just tell you, and you think you understand what it means and how it feels, but you never will understand it until you get there and grow up. How you will miss your childhood, miss being able to be naive.

I think what I miss most is how everything is black and white when you’re a kid. 

I remember my parents were all about that shit - this is good, this is bad.

Slowly as my questions got deeper, the replies did too, (why did aunt carol do this? why are bad people bad? )

I feel like I’m getting older at a quickening pace and it’s not letting up.

This year I got married, I got my dream job, I moved into my first house with my wife two weeks ago. I’m sitting in my basement, on a couch given to me by my best friends family. 

I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for the people I have in my life. People that showed me how to live up to my dreams, ask questions, how to love, and not be afraid of failure. 

But, now what?

I think I want kids, but I’ve never been sold on kids. 

It seems like everyone in my life that has had kids always has had some sort of drive, or need, to have kids. I’ve never had this.

I think it comes from hearing about how my mom had kids when she was 18, and never was able to do the things she wanted in life. But she also said that she wouldnt have it any other way.

I’ll be frank, it seems like having kids is a big fucking pain in the ass and I have a ton of respect for any parent.

Am I afraid that that having kids will somehow impair the growth I want in my life?

It’s a very selfish thought, I think.

I’m no longer scared of the thought of kids, but I’m just not sold. Maybe because for most of my life I thought that I was going to die alone? Maybe the existentialist in me coming out?

I want to live life to my fullest, and I want to change peoples lives - touch them, and inspire them to do their best, let people know they’re not alone in life. Some guy with a bunch of anxiety, self doubt, self hate. All I had was a goal to not be mediocre. I set goals and I got to where I wanted to be.

I had a nightmare last night, that I was still in college/or visiting college (sorry- some weird two places at once dream thing was going on). Dream Adam came to the conclusion that college adam was where I wanted to be, that was my original goal, and now that I had hit it I was lost and had nowhere to go.

Honestly most of the time I think trying to make sense out of dreams is like trying to make sense out of something...that doesnt make sense.. but, I think in this case it was definitely dream adam clued into what whole Adam has been feeling.

What do I do know? where do I go? 

I know I will keep getting better every day, but I think I need to setup some more goals that are meaningful in my life.

[topi]

Me

Topi is the nickname that was given to me when I was in middle school, 7th grade. It was given to me as a way to shorten up my ridiculously long last name, and has stuck with me through all of my life since that point. 

I remember going through periods of my life when I thought the name was pretty dumb, but even during those periods I was quicker to respond to Topi then I was my actual name, Adam. I’ve known tons of Adams in my life, but only one Topi. Topi has always defined me since that day in 7th grade. 

We go through periods in our life when we try to find the things that define us. Self definition (who we are now/what makes me, me) and self reflection (who we were before) are two important things in life, and I don’t think you can realize one without the other. You can’t define yourself if you don’t know who you’ve previously been.

Who you were before and who are you are now can help answer a very important question - who do I want to be? I think this is more important then the first two questions.

Who I want to be, where am I going and why am I here are three questions I have been asking myself a lot lately. For me the next step was always clear in the past, but now it is not. 

Getting to the next step, or overall just going somewhere is heavily influenced by the people you have in your life. No man is an island, we need people in our life that are going to help us reach our dreams, be supportive, and help us back up when we fall. For a lot of people family is what fills that role for most of your life - if you’re lucky. For me 2015 was rebuilding and rediscovering this support system. This has happened through rekindling old friendships, making new friends, reconnecting with my sister, and being more open with my significant other. I am fortunate to have these people in my life.

Mediocrity is the enemy of greatness, and mediocrity was always something I’ve been fearful of. That and death are top two, I think.

When I was a teenager I was so deathly afraid of being mediocre that I just didn’t do anything for a while. I didn’t hold a steady job until I got to college, because I knew that no matter what happened I wouldn’t be stuck there for my whole life. I think the fear of mediocrity and my social anxiety is what kept me from getting a job until that point, but my fear of mediocrity outweighed my fear of social interaction. Another thing I have realized this year was my battle with social anxiety, which when I was younger was just attributed to being “a wussy.”

I’ve never been one to think positive about myself, since I never felt I did anything that wasn’t mediocre- but in doing so I think I’ve sold myself short on a lot of things. The fear of being mediocre is totally subjective, and can’t be used as a quantitative measure of ones progress. One of my goals of 2016 is to change that thought process from “don’t be mediocre” into “do my best.” 

Doing my best and dropping the stigma of mediocrity will open me up to a greater potential, and allow me to grow in ways that I haven’t yet. Doing an action out of fear will never grow me to new challenges, but will just make me try to get out of the way of what’s next. 

One of the things I noticed when I read through past year end reviews was how sad and lonely I was. the tail end of 2015 had me changing that and realizing how many great people I have in my life, and that if i need help all I need to do is ask. Sometimes I get myself into a rut of negative thinking, but this is where the self reflecting thing can save me.

Getting past my fears has made me who I am today. I was able to accomplish things that I never thought I would, and get myself into a position in my career where I feel I provide value. This is the first time in my life where I am able to take a step back, think, and ask myself “what next?”

This year I was a part of starting two podcasts, one on movies and another on video games. Creating is exhausting, but when it’s centric to what I’m interested in it makes it insanely rewarding. Another goal is to create more. A friend of mine said that “the goal to becoming successful is to create more than you consume” - I don’t know if that is attainable since we’re always consuming, but definitely worth working to.

When it comes down to it 2016 will be the year where I push myself to get better, and grow to new heights. I also want to make sure the people in my life know they matter, and I want to help them grow in the direction they strive for. It will be the year of marriage, conventions, podcasting , crying, drinking, swearing, learning, and fun. It will be the year of mindfulness and growth, and I’m looking forward to every day.

Have a great year, maybe I’ll actually start to post more.. or not.

-Adam 

[topi]

Once a great place, now a prision.

This is a rather late year end review, but here it is.

When I go to write something like this I always look back on what I had previously done for inspiration - this is something I've always done in everything "artsy fartsy" i've ever done. 

I can get all the inspiration I need for people I admire, but what always makes me pick it up is looking what I have done. I did this a lot when I was writing music, I'd look back on poems and songs I had previously written to give myself confidence to pick up the pen again. It has been and always been a battle.

"Oh yeah, I wrote that. That wasn't too bad, I think I can do better now, I'm gonna try."

For these blogs though, it's a little different. 

For me, these blogs are the closest thing to time travel I will ever get. Being that they are usually a year apart or more, a lot will of changed. It's a weird/cool/scary feeling to look into the mind of myself from the previous year. 

For this time, though,it is a bit different.

My last post talked about my sister and her battle with cancer. Not a week after that post she passed. 

I don't know how to talk about this one, so I will try to explain how I feel. 

It's the saddest I've ever been, worse than when I was a teen and thought that suicide was a good idea and that I was alone. (which wasn't the case)

The day my sister died, I remember getting to the hospital and being the first one there - people had been there previously, but were in the process of getting the family together because they knew it was time. 

I was so afraid, so scared. I wanted my mom so bad, I needed her so bad. 

My mom always knew what to say, she knew how to comfort me. She was always positive. I remember nights where we would stay up to 4am trading stories and she would pass me her wisdom. I never knew my grandparents but what I do know is from these nights. 

I was so afraid that night. My mom hasn't been right since her accident, and she still isn't right. I just needed her to tell me "Adam, I love you so much. Everything will be alright." 

When I got there my sister was sleeping, and the nurse that helped me said I could go into the room if I wished. I should of, but I didn't. I missed out on the last chance I'd ever had to spend time with my sister one on one. This is the biggest regret I have in my life. 

Eventually my family did show up, and my dad did with my mom as well. But My mom was in her own world, not the same mom I knew growing up.

The things that followed when everyone showed up are very personal, and I do not wish to share them in this blog. 

After she passed it has been a struggle. There are a few times a week where I am alone and something seems to wash over me, reminding me of Lisa. The tears are uncontrollable, the emptiness real.

Work and life distract me. It's hard thinking about these things now. I just want to keep running to numb the pain, whatever it takes just make it go away.

My Mom and My sister are gone now. 

There was a giant rainstorm that passed through Michigan months ago. It flooded a lot of houses including the one I grew up in, the one where my parents lived. 

It killed the hot water heater and the heater that were in the basement. My dad moved out into an apartment by himself but my mom wont go. She's so out of her fucking mind she wont get out of that house.its filled with cat shit  and smells like a sewer from the basement that never got cleaned up. I wanted to go into that house and forcefully get her out, but my dad asked me not to. that was the wrong move, i think. 

There are other things going on with my family, as well, that I do not wish to disclose here. Saying that they exist, though, helps. 

My life, otherwise, is good.

I have a podcast , truefactsaretrue.com/podcast. It's kind of raunchy, but it's a blast.

I graduated college with a Bachelor Of Science in Computer Science. 

I got a job as a software engineer in one of the best tech companies in the country.

I ask the greatest person I have ever known, who takes care of me when I'm down, and makes my highs so much higher - to merry me. She said yes. 

I think I have finally got the best group of people around me in my life, from work to personal life. I am truly blessed and everyone of these people are an inspiration. These people make me happy for my mistakes, and my successes, because without both of these things I would of never met them. thinking about a life without these people (fiancé included), makes me an ever sadder adam. 

There's one thing that I realized this year.

Professionally I have met all the goals that I set for myself when I first started down this path for my degree, but my family life has fallen completely apart. 

I have also realized that I am a very sad and lonely person, and the distractions that come in the form of the people I love, help me so much in my life. This sounds stupid and cliche and fuckity but I hope no one knows the sadness that I cary on my shoulders. Thank you to everyone that has ever smiled or made me laugh from my gut so hard, that it was almost impossible to breathe. 

I cherish every moment i have with these people, they make life worth living. They are inspirations that drive me to set goals and follow through. To never give up and just keep on moving forward. Every day's movement may not be optimal and what I hope it to be, but as long as I keep moving forward I will hit my mark. I will be the best person I can be for the people around me. Looking around at the people around me seeing that they are making the best out of what they have been dealt, makes me want to do the same. I don't have it the worst, I don't have it the best, but what I have realized is that a lot is out of my control. what I can control is how I feel and what I do about it. 

-Adam

[topi]

Onward into the abyss

This year ends leaving me with a feeling I usually don't have at this point; during a time when people are usually full of purpose, direction, and vitality, I am left with a feeling of fear for the next year. 

My sister has been fighting cancer for over a year now, and it has grown like an internal moss infestation in her body- leaving her brittle and desolate. There is nothing they can do now at this point, only giving her radiation and medication for the pain.

I feel so fortunate to have spent one more holiday with her, and it was a gift. I feel like such a fuck though, I don't know how to be strong. Everything in my life up until this point I have been able to grin and bear it, but this is not so easy. 

I think I said before that the scariest thing about having terminal cancer is knowing that you're going to die soon. We go through our lives so blissfully ignorant that we could die at any time, but cancer forces us to stop and realize that death is not something looming around in the distant future, but it is something that is very real, very near. 

Regardless of what I think about God and religion, the thought of leaving my loved ones behind makes me feel so lonely, I am nothing without my friends and family, and I realize this every time I make the trek back up to school.

I don't know how to comfort my sister, but I just make sure I kiss her and tell her I love her. I realize that my niece(18) and nephew(5) must being going through multitudes worse feelings that what I am. I just wish I was in a place in my life to do something more for them, to spend more time with my sister before she's taken too soon. 

The reason I fear for this year is because when I look at her now I see what I saw in my uncle before he was taken by pancreatic cancer: a person so full of love and life that is having it stolen from them from the disease. 

At the Christmas eve party I sat next to my dad and he looked me dead in the face and said "Doesn't she look so thin" with such a sad look on his face. We both held the same thought at the moment, she looks just like my uncle before he was taken too soon. My uncle was pretty much my Dad's father figure growing up, seeing as my grandfather passed away when my Dad was 18.

I can't imagine what my dad is going through.

I remember hearing stories of my grandparents on my mothers side - both of whom had been taken by cancer- all I can see in my mind's eye is how sad my mom looked when she talked about the cancer that my grandma had  - the same that my sister does - and how it ate her from the inside out, and in the very end she was in so much pain.

What a fucking awful way to die, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

My sister having cancer sent my mom further off of the deep end, that was this summer.

I was fortunate enough at the end of the spring semester last year to score an internship at a very prominent business in the area/country. This is a place I could see myself loving every day I was there, and losing myself in my work. The people were great, my leaders were great, and I actually got to get my hands dirty in a field related to what I'm going into. 

Work like that is awesome, but it takes a lot out of you, so other than the internship activities and a camping trip, I didn't really get to spend a lot of time out of work this summer.

I had felt like I was drifting away from my mother, it was such an odd negative feeling in the household while I lived there.

My mom was being overly paranoid, but I just shrugged it off as my mom being my mom, just worried about me and didn't want to see me hurt or...something. 

There was a BBQ and beer shindig in my hometown, and my old college roomy now best friend and I went there and came back to my place. My bud hadn't been drinking that much but I had, and my sister was over that night, and I just remember being my blissfully drunk self saying stupid things to try and get a laugh out of everyone, but my mom was oddly silent that night.

The next day had taken a turn from the worst, my mom kept telling me that I wasn't drunk that night, and I was afraid I had said things to hurt her, but I didn't, she was just in a weird mood.. or so I thought.

I told her that we should go on a day out, a date, just my mom and I, that I could take her to dinner or something and we could catch up - since the summer was moving so quick.

I remember she just looked me in the eyes and told me no, she didn't want to do that and she had no interest in spending time with me.

I don't think I've ever felt so broken in my life, my mom that was one of the most positive, loving, and upbeat people in my life telling me she didn't want to spend time with me. 

That was the day I realized that my mom was gone.

A few days later I got in from work and my mom told me that she was going to jail, that the police had been spying on her for weeks and she was going to jail.

My dad said that she had ran out to a truck passing by in the street and asked if they were there to take her away.

We took her to a psych ward, then she ended up staying the night at a hospital under suicide watch, and then came back home. 

The day she got back was the best I'd seen her in years, happy, upbeat, and ready to make changes to get better. But, just like that, the next day she was back to her drab depressed self. 

My dad continues to take care of her,taking her to appointments and what not, but it seems to have slowed the decline, rather than stopped or reversed it(She either has PTSD from her accident, or paranoia which is the start of dementia... or a combination of the two).

Whenever someone asks me hows life I never tell the truth, sometimes I feel my life is just one bad story after another, and it keeps going on and on and on and on. If I didn't focus on the small victories, the people in my life that keep me anchored, this life would consume me. But I keep marching forward.

I'm going into my final semester as an undergrad, and in the coming months I will be applying everywhere that I can, doing multiple interviews and hopefully scoring a job. These are all positives. This time next year I will have decent healthcare and will be able to take care of my diabetes like I should. Also this time next year I will be engaged and living with my fiancée in our own place. This is a positive. I will have a decent income and will be able to start paying off my debt, get a car, and save money for a wedding. I will be closer to my friends and family, and lastly, I will be able to finally make up for the lost time I have spent up in the middle of nowhere's ville getting my degree.  

I accept these negative things in my life, and I will do the best with what I'm given in the hopes that it makes tomorrow brighter, maybe not for me, but for the people in my life that matter most. I will continue to follow my dreams no matter the cost, because If I were to stop at any point going forward, everything that I'm feeling right now, the loneliness,and the pain, would all be in vein.

This year will be a year, that's for sure.

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A black guy, a priest and a rabbi get on a plane… 

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THIS CAT IS ASKING TO BE PETTED IT IS ACTUALLY ASKING THIS IS THE MOST POLITE CAT IN THE WORLD AND IT’S GOING TO KILL ME

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Things I've learned the last few weeks

I still get engulfed in rage when my guitar helplessly falls off it's guitar stand

After a few weeks of kicking ass and a great weekend, sometimes you need some time to unwind

What goes up comes down, but it doesn't need to stay that way

and go tumblr for the neato new interfacey thing, I like.

I've always been the type who over thinks thing's and thinks too much, it runs in my family - I get it from my dad.  When I'm not stressed out it's something that I cherish, it allows my mind to pursue ideas and possibilities that at first glance I may not of realized. But on the flip side it sometimes leads me into a downward spiral of "OMG IM SO FUCKED", fortunately I haven't felt that way since about this time last year. 

I don't know if it's because of the experiences that I had last year that I'm finally like "yeah the stuff has hit the fan, but it's not the end of the world." It's nice, for a change.

But I digress, something has happened this weekend that hasn't happened in a long time - not over thinking. I think I may have thought my brain out, or maybe with finals rolling up in a few weeks my brain is just clocking out on it's lunch break.

Anyway, that's cool and all, but now it's time to think(f u brain).

Last weekend I had the weirdest-greatest weekend I've ever had. 

I went home friday after I boogied out of class to get to my parent's for the easter weekend, luckily the restaurant was closed for the weekend so I didn't have to worry about getting shifts off I would of had otherwise(my wallet just made the sad trombone sound). 

Friday was good, hung out with my parents and my girlfriend came out and had dinner with the group. We then shot off to our mutual friends who also live in the same city as my parents, and we had a few beers and played some boardgames - it was great.

That night I realized something, I hadn't laughed like that in so long, too long. It's so hard for me now being a "grown up" to find people that I can just loosen up around and , well, laugh. It felt so great. I mean, I laugh and all that, but not the, laugh-until-I-can't-breathe-and-just-wheeze laugh. I miss that and I miss those friends. At the end of the summer they're going to move to Minnesota, and it will be a little harder to see them.

The next day was a crazy one. I played baseball with all the guys I grew up with, and I was glad my girlfriend came along. It's nice for a significant other to see where you came from, it helps them get a better understanding on who you are. A few of the guys are doing stuff with their lives, but most of them are in the same spot they were seven years ago, and that's cool for them - if it makes them happy. I wasn't happy with that, myself, or who I was at the time, so I got out. I told my girlfriend before we played "This is going to be really offensive, I apologize."

Later that day we went to church, and had a lunch after with my parents, my girlfriend, and her unfortunately-heartbreakingly-recently widowed dad.  It was awesome, I wish I could of lived in that moment forever. I miss my family, and I can't wait for the extended I will one day have. 

That night I did something unexpected but totally welcome. I went over the guy's house that had such a huge impact on me that it still shows today. When I was a freshman in high school, I was just coming out of a middle school experience that was filled with fights, racial tension, and me on the receiving end of bullying by my 'friends' .   I didn't realize how much that guy had an impact on me until that night, last weekend.

He was a senior when I was a freshman, and we had wood shop together. He took me under his wing and was totally cool about it. He got me into punk music, stuck up for me, drove me home everyday after class, and was one of the most goofy, positive, easy going people I've ever met. I remember opening the window after class would start so he could sneak into class before the teacher took attendance.

I know this sounds totally insane, but it isn't to me, I know I  was supposed to be there that night. I swear, I've had many dreams the last few months about his house(note: I've never been there and haven't seen the friend since 2007). Call it god, call it whatever you want, something beyond my control was at play last weekend. Seeing him reminded me of where I use to be, and where I'm going. I need to reconnect with that man this summer. He had such a positive impact on my life and it was great.

The last few weeks I've been busting my ass trying to get an internship back home, I have one bite, a good one, but I'm trying not to give all my hopes up. A few friends have worked there or currently do, and the only exgirlfriend that I've ever been on good terms with works there too. On top of seeing that old friend, my sister being pregnant,close friends moving away, and the cancer stuff going on with my other sister - I need to be back in metro Detroit this summer.  All signs point home.

After all the nostalgia, seeing old friends, and the awesome feeling I was having about the internship, as soon as I got back up to school I feel like I grounded out. I'm still feeling positive about things, but not on that life high like I was before. It's weird. I think that weekend was a sign that "yeah, you're gonna feel shitty the next few weeks, but DONT GIVE UP DONT YOU EVER FUCKING GIVE UP." That's what I'm taking it as, anyways. The last interview I had went great, but round three will hopefully be this up coming week, and then, hopefully then, I can start to make summer plans. My dreams are within reach.

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kojima

please

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It's what I tell myself when I'm down

Last year was a weird one. 

I feel like this happens every other year, but holy shit, that was a bad year. When I say something like that, I'm not thinking negatively about my situation or anything. Negative thought processes are addictive and venomous, I know this and I always make sure to actively thinks positive things (easier said then done, usually, but lately not really). How I feel about last year and looking at it objectively are two different things in this case. Even though this year brought what it did, I still feel very positive about where I am in life, and the direction I'm going in. I will accomplish my goals, graduate, and get a salary job doing what I've been going to school for (here) for the last four years, and in general the last six. 

I'll go through the year semi-chronologically with some tangential interjections.

Things really didn't start to get interesting until about the end of last school-year, so somewhere around April-May. 

Things were going good for me, as they are now, I was looking forward to spending the summer up here in mount pleasant with my newish girlfriend (we're still together, that's not how this story ends), and I was sent on a crash course of schedueling training by my (then and now) girlfriend, since the person who was going to take over scheduling at my job popped out a kid, and I was the only one who was inane enough to take the job.

This did two things for me, brought me closer to my girlfriend, and secured my job at (the place I work), or so I thought. Before I was trained on scheduling I had been doing  odd jobs for my bosses, making excel spreadsheets to unify how the campus dining sets up their special events meal, diagrams for seats and other things, and whatever else that they felt was too 'technical' for them to do themselves ((un?)fortunately enough, everything I did was very easy). My biggest mistake throughout my life at cmu was staying at (my place of work) as long as I have, I'll touch more on that later.

 A lot of people were graduating, so we needed to rehire half of our staff. Which was good,  because that meant I had a summer job, and could afford to live up at school and retake a class I had failed that semester. It was also around this time my dad lost his job.

I'm diabetic, and a poor college student.

This made a summer that should of been stress free, a little worrisome. I had no health insurance, and my roots were set up at school. I had a lease to pay and classes to take. I couldn't afford to hit the panic button and go home, not like there was much I could do. 

My dad was forced into early retirement (a mere six months longer at his job and he would of been set- retirement wise), but thankfully through the kindness of strangers I have been able to survive. My dad goes to a little hole in the wall in the morning to eat, and he's a rather loud talkative pole, so people know who he is. (He also has really bad jokes, which is where I get them from) There is an older retired gentleman that had extra insulin, and one of the waitresses had recently decided to not use her pump anymore, and gave me which supplies she had left, for free.

I'm still using those pump supplies right now, and have around 60 days of it left. 

Like a lot of things that happend in '12, it was the start of delaying the inevitable, or so it seemed. 

Summer scheduling had it's ups and downs, I was still learning, so I fucked up -a lot- but I kept going. I always faced my mistakes head on , I don't point the blame, if I fucked someones schedule up, I always let them know it was me - honesty will set you free.

I got to know the director very well, since it was just her and I in the office. It was an experience that I will forever hold dear, she may of been a questionable director, but she was pure of heart and always tried to help those less fortunate then her. 

It was about halfway through the summer that I had learned that she wasn't coming back in the fall, the big big boss was making a regime change, and a woman from another restaurant was to take her place. What I didn't know in the beginning was she was bringing her own office assistant.... replacing me.

I loved where I work. The experiences I have had there have changed me as a person so much. I know i've said this on here before, so I won't go into again, but that place forced me to come out of my shell. The friends I have made there I will cherish for the rest of my life.  I wanted to do anything that I could to make that place better, and for me, scheduling was a way for me to change peoples lives hopefully for the better - to give people the same chances I got when I first worked there - the chance to grow as a person. It's hard to convey here the sense of community and camaraderie you get from working there.  I think it has to do with everyone going through a lot of the same experiences, and being in the same stage of their life - it makes it easier to bond.

I didn't realize how much something as simple as taking a job could change you, and it does. This is why I feel it is very important to do things spur of the moment, and jump on any chances you get in life - you don't know if they'll come again, and you don't know how they will change you until you've gone through them.

Shortly before the beginning of the semester started, I had to meet with the new boss, and her office assistant.

From the word go I did not like this woman, and I still don't. She is not genuine at all, and everything she does is laced with a hidden agenda.  Much different from the big heart and honesty of the previous director. 

There is a lot of details I'm going to skip through here, a lot of little ones, but I felt like I dwelled on those events too long already and do not wish to bring them up in depth here.

The new office assistant was actually just another manager, like me, that the director decided to bring with her. She was just like the director, two faced, and she had an obsession with making everyone like her. At first I was alright with her, then I thought she had some attraction towards me so I tired to direct her at my room mate (who I hired over the summer, doing scheduling didn't come without some perks), which ended up in a big mess for me once I realized the type of person she was, and what she was doing to one of my closest friends. (using him to pat her ego, and this could be my ego talking, but I felt she was trying to get to me). This made dealing with that situation a lot harder, since I couldn't come home to vent to him.

They were taking me off of scheduling, and giving me regular 'office' work to do, for example, sorting recipes for three hours a week in the morning. 

Every fucking time I sorted those recipes I felt like I was being punished. Every god damn time. I had done so much for this place, invested so much time and work into it, making a manager position, only to get fucking shit on. 

Never again will I let this happen to me.

I felt so hurt, I was so bitter, that someone who was so fake, two faced, and full of themself, could come in and take everything that I've worked for. I felt like I have met my antithesis. 

Nice guys finished last, and I'm sick of being nice. I will get everything I want out of this life, no matter the cost. 

So the semester started up, and a place that I use to take solace in, became the source of my distress. 

This was a sign of things to come.

It was the first week of classes, and I got a phone call. My biggest sister was in the hospital, she had cancer.

A day later, my mom was in the hospital with stroke-like symptoms. 

I felt like my life had become the butt end of a very bad joke, you can't make this kind of stuff up. 

I felt like the world was coming at me from all sides,  but I had to move forward, keep going.

My mom turned out to be alright, she had just a mix up with some medication, buy my sister had cancer. cancer. Before it was just a word that had some meaning that was foreign to me, something that had taken my grandparents(who I never met), but now it had my sister. The word now has a whole new meaning.

The doctors gave her a year to live, but I know she will go longer, much longer. I love my sister and it pains me so much right now to be so far away and not involved in such large event in my sisters life. I love her, and I want to be there for her so bad, it hurts so much not to be. The same feeling of uselessness I had when my mom got hit by that truck, had come back, in spades. 

It took me a while, but I finally learned not to be so bitter when I was at work. I had to let it roll of my shoulders, even the ugliest of scars will fade with time.  But I will not forget what was done to me, and the hurt in my heart I felt when it happened. 

No matter what happens, I know I'm doing the right thing now. I will continue down this path because it is the one I chose for myself. The challenges will be many and difficult, but I will not give up and give in to the temptation of settling. I have not gone this far to end up with the mediocre. 

That about sums of the big events of last year. There was a lot more that went on that changed me, but this post has gone on for too long already.

I'll see you guys around, at the latest next year. I'm excited to see what this year brings for future Adam, and I know it will be great things. If you're reading this, and even if I don't know you, I love you. Always keep in mind that whatever life throws at you, there is good in this world. Look around at the people around you, see the positive. It's so easy to dwell on the negative, but that is contagious. Spend time with the people you love, because life isn't a guarantee, it's a privilege. Laugh a lot, and every day. Smile, make bad jokes. Just live life, do what makes you happy as much as you can afford to do it, because one day it will be the last time you do it.  

Don't let your last day be spent on something you didn't enjoy, that you didn't love, that would be the greastest travesty of life. 

Hang in there.

[topi]

My hearts been hurting for a while now

It's always aching, I wish I could save everyone but I can't.

But maybe that's why I'm in the mess I'm in now.

The only thing this experience has taught me is that the good guy does finish last, and you have to fight for everything you want in life, everything.

I'm going to get what out of life, and I don't fucking care what I have to do.

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