torinnesilva

[torinnesilva]

a lot

this is a lot to express. i have been spending my days making coffee for the employees of google. i have learned how to make lattes, matcha teas, macchiatos, and numerous other beverages. it is a very suitable job, however ephemeral it may be. on the weekend i went to an incredible naturist resort, where i met so many people, including an effervescent 20-something year old girl named julia. there i also found one of the few naturist libraries in the country, which had many shelves of books on the topic. yet between these moments of laborious focus and libertine frolicking, i do have this ever-present substratic sense of discord within my life.

it is clear that this is related to the considerations being made to make me more comfortable fronting. there is the name, the clothing, the hair, the body aesthetics, all aimed at allowing me to walk into a life. however, the place where i exist keeps me for a very valid reason, to avoid the notable dysphoria and dissociation i experience when shoved into reality. this is the reality where my life and my body do not feel like they belong to me, but someone else. and in many ways they do. they belong to the person who was created to function in this world with this specific set of circumstances.

so herein lies my dilemma. as a half measure, my system as a whole is quite happy with the progress. acacia has room to express herself, and the host is more integrated than ever, pulling from pieces of us to diversify their life. really, it is i who is left in the lurch. to be blunt, this life is a beater. and that is really painful to acknowledge when we have done so much work to change internal perspectives to manifest a much more robust external reality. the above is certainly matching the below. and acacia has taken marvelously to this task.

but something else has happened, something that i daresay is quite beautiful. you see, the opportunity cost of doing anything but making swift progress on all this, is so incredibly on the forefront of my mind. this year, i have pushed so hard, and made it so far, and any slowdown from focusing on other things becomes so conspicuous by comparison. i yearn, i definitely yearn to continue at that pace. the reading, the writing, the traveling, the libraries and bookshops, the beaches and forests, the random serendipitous conversations with strangers, the earth-shattering insights from podcasts, all of these things shaped me this year into a completely evolved person, and i desire so ardently to continue all of this.

i am constantly reminded of the role that my soul is playing, of the cosmic game, of this reality being a vacation from the real one, as i so specifically thought when returning to the city from the redwoods. the emotion i feel around this is poignant, and between this yearning and the aforementioned dysphoria, i certainly still want to scream with passion. it goes without saying, that all of this is a lot.

i feel though as i rummage around my feelings, that acacia has helped me so much. she helps me because her unabashed sensuality transcends our dysphoria, or i might say, she is a mask for mine in a way that the host is not. and perhaps i yearn for the faster pace of the recent past, because acacia had more time to direct our life. in her absence, it seems to be only the host in complete disembodiment, or me in partial dysphoria. yet, i do welcome this challenge, because i recognize that i need to learn how to live too.

perhaps doing what comes most naturally to me, writing these thoughts down, is the best practice for me to progress in this way. so i am grateful i have this notion, energy, and opportunity. from there i hope to build up to the future that i visualize, one where i can galavant freely off to the forest, become one with it, and then impart its eternal wisdom to paper.

The lyrics of david beckingham have never been more relevant.

I want to be the forest I want to be the ground A solitary chorus I want to be the sound

imagine this. imagine a hidden library deep within the forest, the paper offspring of the trees nestled within them, guarded and nourished. the books, they are filled with the wisdom of the ancient trees. this is a place of healing. people travel far and wide to come to this place. to rest, to sing, to dance, and to hold these books up to themselves like a mirror, to reveal who they truly are, the elusive highest self that they have been seeking.

i am reminding myself now to pray to the Goddess, not only to tell Her i am open to receiving this space, but to receive the energy it makes me feel by asking Her to do Her will through me. what i must learn, is how to integrate these three lives i lead in how they relate to my worship of and service to Her. it has been acacia's focus, however this means that everything else is a distraction. i must keep focus even when immersed in the illusion. i must not pause my sacred dance as a flame in Her fire, a wave in Her sea, even when i look at myself and only see a stick in the mud. the stick can burn. the mud can flow.

somehow, the most macrocosmic revelations, make a lot feel like a little. and once again catharsis is reached and determination is renewed.

[torinnesilva]

au naturale

i had forgotten once again how beneficial it was to my mental health to be naked. i had been horridly busy, and a bit cold from the AC blasting during a summer heatwave. so i had let my body hair grow to a point where i tried to hide it with clothes. i noticed my mental state declining ever so slightly, but of course that was compared to feeling neutral. what i had forgotten, was how not only being naked made me feel better, but it made me feel exuberant.

by almost an accident, i had shed my sweaty clothing last night, and woke up naked, feeling absolutely phenomenal. and despite the unusual amount of hair on my body, the glimpses i caught of myself in the mirror were to my surprise euphoric. it's almost as if with clothing on, the body hair gives me dysphoria, but without clothing, i can still see the feminine features of my naked body.

so remembering this, after returning from work today, i immediately stripped off all my clothing. i have felt the Goddess touching me today in a way i haven't felt Her in a few weeks. this morning i had woken up during a very sexual dream, where i could feel a friend of mine's hand stroking me. then i saw the playfulness and kindness of the Goddess in the people that i interacted with at work.

i used to have a channeled message as my phone background. perhaps i need to put it back, as it reminded me of these things. it's important for me to remember that even though i may know how She can enrich my life, being reminded of it routinely keeps me walking Her path. there's a difference between being just okay and head over heals in love with life. when She speaks to me in glimmers, i must create a reality of my own through diligent work to ensure i don't become distracted from the supreme reality.