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“Now that I knew fear, I also knew it was not permanent. As powerful as it was, its grip on me would loosen. It would pass.”

(via technotranquility)

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“There were grief and ruins, and you were the miracle.” Pablo Neruda, “A Song of Despair,”

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That new Winston skin...

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@xrevolucionario

     Being able to completely block out the world around him was both a blessing and a curse. He’d shut down the external audio receptors for peace and quiet while meditating or to jam out when his favourite tunes were on. Typically this was only done while stationary so that the risk of making a mistake or not hearing something important was minimized. Today, however, was not one of those days.

     As he walked through the recall base with a sway to his hips, the cyborg ran right into Lucio’s back. Where they’d fall would be up to how quickly the DJ could react. Regardless, a startled yelp did breach Genji’s mask along with a bit of the song he was listening to.

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Starter call~

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Starter call~

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junkrats busy working on his arm when he sees the cyborg enter the lobby area, thrusting out a screw driver for defense until the other goes to sit himself down. not one to be known for being subtle, or silent, he goes to investigate. spotting the other eating something he's never tried, mostly because roadhog hogged them all. buns. a gasp as he watches intent on snitching one. how hard could it be? hand reaches out to grab.

    The dirty slouched over man is noted, at first, with a small glance but not stared at. Genji doesn’t seem to care about him at all, giving Junkrat as much space as he could possibly want while making his way to a seat so that he could eat. It would be rude to interrupt whatever contraption the other occupant of the lobby was working on.

     When he sat down and began fiddling with his visor, new movement was immediately picked up by its motion sensor. A hand, no weapon, reaching for his food. Eyes narrow and carefully trace each finger before he subtly pushes the plate towards the Junker as if by accident, casting his gaze away to complete the gesture. Genji, unlike his brother, is more than happy to share.

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     Thanks to nomadic life, he’s missed another Sin Day. Whether that is a good thing or a bad one is to be determined.      Perhaps... a little bit of both. 

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Thoughts

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Update on my situation: I filed a domestic violence report with the sheriff today and was advised that if I was going to go back to my sister’s house, that I should call them for escort. The report is going to be sent up and a detective will likely be calling me in a few days or so.

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-Best thing that’s happened to you involving rp?

Monday Meme

     I suppose the best thing that happened to me involving role play was back when I did voice role plays in custom games on Halo 3, Xbox Live. A friend introduced me to the crew that I consider the Knights of the Round Table at this point. We’ve been together since that damn game came out despite how much everything has changed. No matter how many times we’d get mad at one another or one person in particular, we figured out how to fix it and grow as Human beings.

     Those five people taught me a lot about how to interact with vastly differing personalities, how to cope in both healthy and non-healthy means, how much  a small greeting or sentence can really help someone… You name it. 

     One of the guys there, his gamertag was Dinoman666. This dude saved my life roughly seven years ago when I tried to commit suicide. He spent the entire night on skype talking to me, working with me, while I was on the west coast and he was on the east coast. The second time I tried, he was there again without pause and helped me move in with his family. It’s because of him and his family I got a second chance at life.

     Buwx, oh sweet booty butts, Buwx. He never ceased to make me laugh, especially when Bzz chimed in. Those two were great at making the entire group laugh so hard we choked, cried, and had to mute our microphones. One crack after another, it was always a party with them. When someone was upset, one or the other made turned a frown into a smile. Buwx had this stupid growl that was hot as fuck and he’d do it when I wasn’t paying attention or trying to focus something and I’d squeal laugh. Bzz’s surprised, shocked, and horrified screeching at enemies in the game like Banshees in Mass Effect 3 or Oryx in Destiny were outrageously funny.

     Coconut was this stoner dude who chimed in at random times and would say something totally off subject but it’d make you laugh. I remember staying in a voice chat with him when he was playing a drinking challenge with Dark Souls. Dude kept taking shot after shot and we both kept laughing while he progressed through the game to the hardest areas. “This boss is technically two so should I do two shots or one?” “Coconut no..” “COCONUT YES!” Like this guy is legit and I love him.

     Ilikeme was an asshole but not one you hated. He was great to be around but could be a dick, yet you knew he didn’t mean anything personal. He actually cared about his friends and often surprised me when he offered to help at times where real life was destroying my soul.His jokes were also pretty great too, everyone had their own brand of humor and it worked. I’ve never met a guy as enthusiastic about big rigs and trucking until I met him and I’m so happy that he finally gets to do that as a career now.

     Crazy is silly and like super bug / arachnid information powerhouse. If you needed help identifying some strange critter in your house or outside, she could tell you without looking it up or briefly glancing at some kind of book / website. She also had a heart of gold and bless that woman for trying her best at keeping the peace when the whole group was at each other’s throats. Now she’s in Sweden and living the good life, sharing with us the strange things she sees and learns.

     Lastly, Savra. The rage machine, HULK SMASH, Mr. Angry. He was always mad about something back then and after he realized it, started working very hard to change that. He has come a very long way since I first met him and I am proud, immensely proud. He and the group had a lot of ups and downs but, in the end, we all stuck together and wanted him around. He’ll help you with anything in a game if he has it, will pay attention to what you’re saying, and tell you funny stories about stupid shit he somehow found on the internet. He also was a big emotional support for me. On July 11, 2018 in Ontario, Canada, we got married atop a large hill over looking the town below.

     These people, along with a few others that left the group a long time ago, are my family and loved ones. They are the longest lasting friends that kept talking to me after so many years, the longest lasting friends I have, and people I dearly care about even if I’m quiet in our discord chat. I hope someday we can all come together and meet in person somewhere. Doesn’t matter where or for how long, but it would mean the world to not just me but to them as well I’m sure.

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cgdbrd‌

she lets him weep in her arms, one hand moving to gently rest upon the back of his head. fingers run through what is left of his hair. her em field pulses with warmth, with comfort, with LOVE. he has made terrible decisions, yes; athena would be a FOOL to take that sense of agency from him. it would do little more than discredit her own growth, discredit his chance at redemption.

but what is a boy to do, when he is groomed from childhood to become one of the leaders of the shimada clan? when he is nearly killed by his brother, and then almost everything that makes him human is stripped from him? overwatch may have saved his life, but blackwatch, and then talon, had turned him into a weapon. he had the agency to not leave blackwatch, to not join talon, to lay down his sword and finally rest–

the past is the past, athena thinks, and turns to press her forehead to his. there is no changing it; only accepting, moving on. trying to learn and grow from the blood still dripping from your fingers. she learned that lesson the hard way, with sins heavy on her back, power and violence dripping from her coding. but if a goddess can change, then certainly so can a human. 

certainly genji can, as well.

“you are no monster, genji.” her voice is gentle, quiet, as she looks down at him. forehead to forehead, she can see him now; see the pain in those eyes, the regret; the fear. he had been nothing more than a CHILD when hanzo had turned on him. he had been so young, bred into violence and built for war. and still, she loves him. she will always love him. “i have known monsters, and i have met men who have found their way into darkness. they are not the same thing.”

“i’m here, o gios mou. for better or worse, i will never abandon you. not when you still need me. not when you still need SOMEONE.” a mother’s love is unconditional, after all; she needs no promises of tomorrow, no deeds or words murmured to keep her there. she simply is, and will always be. “you are not bound to a path, genji. you will always have the freedom to choose your way, and i’ll be here for you. i will always be here.

“i love you, genji, and i’m not going anywhere.”

     Trauma afflicted those wherever Genji went since he accepted the pact offered to him by someone who walked hand in hand with the devil himself. All emotion was stripped away from his thoughts and locked away, allowing for the coldblooded brutal efficiency an assassin trained to deal. Shining steal cut flesh and dripped with blood more times than he could count, yet, he remembered the looks on each of his victim’s faces. He could draw them without even the slightest detail being off and possibly recite their final words.

     That was only part of his punishment.

     He had no right to cry over their deaths, a killer should not weep for himself. Hindsight was a cruel joke that laughed and laughed, enjoying the trivial circles one’s mind would run in as it struggled with what ifs and I should haves. His second chance, his redemption, was supposed to come after he’d left Blackwatch but it didn’t. Did he truly deserve it now after having so far cutting through swaths of both innocent and guilty lives?

     “ What am I supposed to do? “

     Walking away from Talon was as much of a death warrant as fighting them or being even slightly categorized as a target / enemy. Not even everyday citizens were safe as many of the news reports have clearly shown. His eyes met hers for a brief moment before being cast downward in shame after he got a hold of himself once more. He’d be arrested, convicted, and locked away for the rest of his days if they didn’t outright shoot him. Of course his appearance could be changed drastically but the guilt would never leave.

     “ Where am I supposed to go? “

     He’s fought and killed a few former Overwatch agents, one or two remembered who he was. Given how shocked Athena behaved, either they hadn’t had the chance to tell the others or news wasn’t spreading fast enough. Trust was a word crumbling at his feet into a fine dust that would blow away in the wind. “ How could I face the others again after everything that has happened? “

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I was assaulted by my sister’s boyfriend last night. I did not require medical attention, but mentally I’m a mess. I’ll be slow to reply and stuff for a few days as I move my things from that house to my Aunt’s.

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cgdbrd‌

the sword is offered out, and athena cannot help the breath that catches in her throat. genji is the closest thing she has ever had to a son; genji, who has been torn apart and put back together time and time again. genji, who had not had the mind to truly consent to blackwatch when they’d recruited him, and has since been forced to deal with the consequences of overwatch’s actions.

genji, who now kneels before her, tears running down his cheeks. the boy she’d loved so deeply, all grown up and forging his own path through steel and blood. but all that blood could not wash away the bonds they’d forged. and so athena falls to her knees.

“genji…”

athena pushes the sword aside. it means nothing to her. she knows it is his; she knows what it MEANS to him, and she appreciates the sentiment. she will take it eventually, if that is what he truly wishes. she will do anything for him. but for now, the sword is nothing. just a piece of steel separating her from him, mother from son. 

instead, the goddess wraps her arms around his shoulders, pulling him close. she is so SMALL compared to him, and yet right now, he feels as though he might break within her grip. it doesn’t matter, athena thinks, and holds him tighter. if he SHATTERS, then she will just put him back together again. she won’t leave him. she won’t leave him like this.

“you have been through so much, genji. you have endured so much. and you do not have to APOLOGIZE for that. one man can only take so much before he…” turning, athena presses a kiss to the side of his head. “i don’t blame you for anything that you have been through, or what others have twisted you into doing. i still love you, genji.”

“i will always love you. i will never abandon you.” softly, “and i’m here for you.”

     The sheathed blade drops to the ground as she pushes it, pulling the cyborg into her arms while he trembles. There is no excusing the horrific things he’s done and he accepts that fully. It would be be terrible if he didn’t and, for a time, there was not a care in his mind as to who he hurt, what families he tore apart. It’s been so long since his abandonment of everyone he knew when HQ crashed to the ground. Apologizing is something he most definitely needed to do (he had chosen this path), even though it wouldn’t and couldn’t take anything back. Some things cannot be made right no matter how hard he tried, repented, or atoned for his sins.

                   So much blood on his hands...

     A pardon for the monster he had become is an insult to those that died and the people who grieved for them. The only sounds that came from Genji were choked sobs he tried to hold back. Young and filled with so much hate for the world, he chose what felt like the quickest way to make it all go away (let the galaxy burn, set the universe ablaze). Beauty taking pity on a beast, a cruel creature who had left her behind to kill others in cold blood because someone told him to and he didn’t see any issues with that. Blackwatch made sure the collateral damage was as minimum as it could be. Talon, oh no, Talon couldn’t care less and neither had he.

     “ Don’t... No...          I have dishonored...                    I am a disappointment.                         A demon! A monster! “

     Hell, there was still a part of him that was aggravated at how easily he had crumbled against her touch. Then again, he’d never experienced the love that only a mother could provide. Maybe if she had lived, the Shimada brothers wouldn’t have turned out the way they did. Fate had a strange way of shifting the course of someone’s life, after all everything happened for a reason right? Playing the ‘what ifs’ over and over, screaming at the past, and fighting the future made living in the present an almost impossibility.

     And so he cried into her shoulder for himself, his brother, for Overwatch, and everyone that lost their life because of HIM. He didn’t know how to fix this without running away again. How cowardly, his father hissed into his thoughts, you are not worth of carrying the name Shimada. Why did Athena care so much about him over all others? Was it the similarities they shared or was it pity? Her love was genuine and Genji was scared of having that taken away. He can’t let it settle into his soul again, he had to leave before his soul tore itself apart.

                       Yet he could not move. He could not leave Athena again.

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green cyborg ninja dude