tortured-gaylor

[tortured-gaylor]

great news guys, i got my journal back!!

bad news guys, i went to a cat cafe today and my journal fell out of my bag :(

[tortured-gaylor]

bad news guys, i went to a cat cafe today and my journal fell out of my bag :(

[tortured-gaylor]

from the journal of ava: but daddy i love him notes

according to swifties, this is a little mermaid reference: she gave up her voice to be with the man she loved

idk i haven't seen the little mermaid since i was 5, i'll take their word for it

i just learned these people only raise you to cage you

links back to who's afraid of little old me?: "you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me"

growing up famous, she was never able/allowed to just be or do what she wanted. this is also made clear in the miss americana documentary. seems like scott especially tried to keep her quiet and caged

she has used cage imagery often throughout her career in music videos and visuals (look what you made me do music video, the shadows in the visuals during the midnights set at the eras tour, the speak now ornament, the glass cage in the willow music video,...)

the spotify library installation also had a cage, but the birds were free on another shelf

sarahs and hannahs in their sunday best, clutching their pearls sighing "what a mess" i just learned these people try and save you cause they hate you

this seems to allude to religious people being homophobic. they try and "fix" you by praying for you

she's the odd one out, doesn't fit in with the norm (the sarahs and hannahs)

they slammed the door on my whole world, the one thing i wanted

again with the controlling

is the muse the whole world? is it simply freedom? or is it something else entirely?

now i'm running with my dress unbuttoned, screamin' "but daddy i love him"

like the love story music video

song themes are similar to love story as well with the disapproving father

i'm having his baby... no i'm not but you should see your faces

GAGGED

you should have indeed seen my face

dutiful daughter, all my plans were laid

idk what to tell you

it's queer

her parent (likely her dad) planned her whole life out for her and she fulfilled this "destiny", even if that life doesn't suit her

tendrils tucked into a woven braid

links back to seven: "your braids like a pattern"

the saboteurs protested too much

homophobes

lord knows the words we never heard, just screeching tires and true love

links back to getaway car

this could mean words of acceptance, likely from the church(goers) again

i'll tell you somethin' 'bout my good name it's mine alone to disgrace

she's done being sheltered and ready to make her own decisions, decide who she is all by herself

god save the most judgmental creeps who say they want what's best for me sanctimoniously performing soliloquies i'll never see, thinking it can change the beat of my heart when he touches me and counteract the chemistry and undo the destiny you ain't gotta pray for me me and my wild boy and all this wild joy if all you want is gray for me, then it's just white noise and it's just my choice

this is her saying people have no business being all up in her relationships. they seem to think they have the moral upper hand and get to decide what's best for her, even if they don't know her or her partner at all

she pulls an uno reverse on them by asking god to save them, just like they did for her

this could mean she's gonna love who she loves, despite what the world wants/expects from her

this calls back to the people "saving" her cause they hate her (so homophobes again)

this is a reach but did they try to strip her of her pride colours and she finally decided to ignore these very loud voices?

scandal does funny things to pride but brings lovers closer

✨ shared trauma ✨

for real though, scandal could be her being outed by whatever tabloid

forced her deeper in the closet, but closer to the (also closeted?) muse

we came back when the heat died down

the scandal forced them to keep a low profile for a bit but they came back (stronger than a '90s trend?)

went to my parents and they came around

reminds me of That™ miss americana scene

also reminds me of how the dad in love story eventually came around

time, doesn't it give some perspective?

there's something in this line but i'm not sure what

[tortured-gaylor]

from the journal of ava: so long, london notes

the intro reminds me of church bells

wedding bells?

regardless, i want it on repeat forever

i saw in my mind fairy lights through the mist

links back to lover: "we can leave the christmas lights up till january"

the choice of british language (fairy lights) is interesting

i stopped trying to make him laugh

links back to mirrorball: "i'm still trying everything to keep you laughing at me"

i stopped cpr, after all, it's no use

links back to you're losing me: "i can't find a pulse, my heart won't start anymore for you"

the relationship is truly dead with no chance of revival

she might've had hope for better days for a long time, but eventually realised trying to keep it alive would not mean it'd go back to how it was, like how people who've been in comas sometimes come back paralysed or the like

i'm pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free

links back to would've, could've, should've: "give me back my girlhood, it was mine first"

while likely about different muses or different times in her life, the theme of her youth being stolen by her lovers comes back

is it because it's not real? her young years stolen away by time wasted on fake love or love that doesn't last?

stiches undone

links back to glitch: "five seconds later i'm fastening myself with a stitch"

two graves, one gun

murder-suicide?

two graves imply they didn't end up together, as lovers are often buried together

and you say i abandoned the ship, but i was going down with it my white knuckle grip holding tight to your quiet resentment

links back to this love: "in losing grip on sinking ships"

links back to evermore: "and when i was shipwrecked, i thought of you"

you swore that you loved me, but where were the clues?

links back to exile: "i gave so many signs"

i died on the altar waiting for proof

links back to false god: "the altar is my hips"

once again, we have the religious imagery

seems to allude to a wedding, but she's on the altar rather than in front of it, meaning she's a sacrifice

and i'm just getting color back in my face

links back to you're losing me: "my face was gray but you wouldn't admit that we were sick"

we had a good run but i'm not the one

links back to the 1: "it would've been fun if you would've been the one"

[tortured-gaylor]

from the journal of ava: down bad notes

did you really beam me up in a cloud of sparkling dust just to do experiments on?

this could refer to the glitter and glamous life of a model, like karlie kloss

experimenting is a pillar of figuring out you're queer. especially in the context of the rest of this song, it sounds incredibly gay

now i'm down bad, crying at the gym

throughout their friendship/relationship, taylor and karlie were often seen going to the gym together

fuck it if i can't have him, i might just die, it would make no difference

links back to the tortured poets department: "but you told lucy you'd kill yourself if i ever leave, and i had said that to jack about you, so i felt seen"

did you take all of my old clothes just to leave me here, naked and alone?

reminds me of the wildest dreams eras tour visual with taylor naked and alone in the bed

what man is stealing a woman's clothes?

taylor and karlie were seen sharing clothes multiple times (the genuis sweater, the pants,...)

granted, taylor and dianna were also seen sharing clothes multiple times

links back to dress: "only bought this dress so you could take it off"

in a field in my same old town that somehow seems so hollow now

links back to midnight rain: "my town was a wasteland"

opposite of 'tis the damn season: "and the road not taken looks real good now, and it always leads to you in my hometown"

they'll say i'm nuts if i talk about the existence of you

it's not nuts if she's down bad for a man, a woman on the other hand...

karlie especially, considering... well everything. the queerness of the relationship, her involvement in the masters, her family (and in-laws), her zionism,... the list keeps going

down bad, like i lost my twin

links back to it's time to go: "not the twin from your dreams"

taylor and karlie were often called twins, they look quite alike

encounters closer and closer, all your indecent exposures

literally kissgate

they were always very affectionate in public, sparking rumours

i'll build you a fort on some planet where they can understand it

this links back to call it what you want: "making forts under covers, trust him like a brother"

a fort implies a heavily protected place, somewhere the outside world can't just come in like that

this implies the relationship is out of the norm or alien (not straight)

how dare you think it's romantic, leaving me safe and stranded?

links back to new romantics: "please leave me stranded, it's so romantic"

the relationship isn't safe, so the muse leaves taylor for her own good, to protect her

taylor doesn't want to be protected, she wants to be with her muse

cause fuck it, i was in love, so fuck you if i can't have us

the sudden falling out with karlie

[tortured-gaylor]

from the journal of ava: my boy only breaks his favourite toys notes

i'm queen of sandcastles he destroys

goes hard ngl

a litany of reasons

what's with all the religious references on this album?

did catholic guilt break her?

a litany means both a repetitive series and it's a form of prayer used in services and processions, and consisting of a number of petitions

she knows a lot of words, she's not using this one for no reason, especially in the context of the rest of the album

once i fix me, he's gonna miss me

ouch

he was my best friend down at the sandlot

another theme of best friends, much like in you are in love, dress and you're on your own kid

not sure what to make of it in this song for now, but i know songs about her best friends always have queer subtext

i felt more when we played pretend than with all the Kens

links back to hits different: "i used to switch out these kens, i'd just ghost"

implies the kens, possibly a metaphor for men, never meant anything to her, while the muse, who's not included in these kens, which makes me believe it's a woman, made her feel real things, even if they were supposed to just be pretending

[tortured-gaylor]

from the journal of ava: the tortured poets department notes

i've seen this episode and i still love the show

the opposite of exile's "i think i've seen this film before and i didn't like the ending"

if we were to say this song is about dianna agron, this could mean she saw the episode where quinn and santana hook up, yet she still loves the show

you're not dylan thomas, i'm not patti smith, this ain't the chelsea hotel, we're modern idiots

similar progression to white horse's "i'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale, i'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell

who's gonna hold you like me?

links back to delicate: "do the girls back home touch you like i do?"

you smoked [...] like a tattooed golden retriever

links back to cardigan: "the smell of smoke would hang around this long"

dianna agron smokes and is tattooed. besides that, she's also known to love vintage things (like typewriters for example)

but you told lucy you'd kill yourself if i ever leave, and i had said that to jack about you, so i felt seen

if we keep looking at this as if dianna is the muse, i'm not sure who lucy could be

maybe she has a non famous lucy as a friend

she was also lucy caboosey

you take my ring off my middle finger and put it on the one people put wedding rings on

according to rumours dianna proposed to taylor but taylor said no

[tortured-gaylor]

from the journal of ava: fortnight notes

i was supposed to be sent away but they forgot to come and get me

links back to hits different: "is that your key in the door? is it okay? is it you? or have they come to take me away?

the aesthetic of the album and the music video leads us to believe this alludes to an insane asylum, a psych ward or something similar

it could also mean they were supposed to take her back to the circus she mentions in who's afraid of little old me (and getaway car and mirrorball, for that matter)

i was a functioning alcoholic

two days before the album came out i told my friend "if it ever comes out that taylor swift is or was an alcoholic, i wouldn't be surprised

not sure if it's meant to be taken entirely literally though

my husband is cheating, i want to kill him

insane line to write

slay girl (literally)

move to florida

relates to florida!!!

meaning start a new life/start fresh, change your name and leave it all behind

[tortured-gaylor]

i've been taking notes on the songs one by one, taking my time and truly digesting the songs first and some of them really stand out to me as songs with lots and lots of queer subtext, despite their he/him pronouns, gonna share some thoughts on them in their own posts <3

Fortnight

The Tortured Poets Department

My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys

Down Bad

So Long, London

But Daddy I Love Him

Fresh Out The Slammer

Florida!!!

Guilty as Sin?

Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)

‎loml

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

The Alchemy

Clara Bow

The Black Dog

​​imgonnagetyouback

The Albatross

Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus

How Did It End?

So High School

I Hate It Here

​​thanK you aIMee

I Look in People’s Windows

The Prophecy

Cassandra

Peter

The Bolter

Robin

The Manuscript