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Episode 3: Return of the Lists

9:08 - Arrive at Tyler's 9:11 - Tyler is late...Prick 9:15 - Jess and Amber have panic attack, realise new player has no shin pads and can't play without them 9:16 - Tyler has some, what a legend 9:17 - ANSWER YOUR PHONE YOU DING DONG 9:18 - Tyler answers phone and brings shin pads, balance is restored to the force 9:19 - Swag waggon finally departs 9:20 - Liam tries to brag about Leeds and the lack of speed cameras, gets shut down. Leeds is shit 9:21 - Liam shouts Leeds, get told off 9:26 - John remarks on Liam's giant head and little brain...Tyler agrees 9:27 - Tyler notices Liam is bigger than the seat on every angle 9:28 - Jess rips into Liam for the 432nd time, John and Tyler laugh 9:29 - Jess declares she's never talking to Liam again 9:29 - Tyler notices dog, John leans forward as Jess breaks and hits his head 9:30 - Liam says something stupid 9:30 - Jess breaks her declaration to call Liam stupid 9:31 - Banter mobile has a near miss with moronic driver 9:33 - Liam somehow get blow over by the wind, John believes his giant head acted as a sail 9:36 - Jess reveals team name "Let's get Messi". Tyler wonders how far it is to walk home 9:40 - Jess throws shoe at John. John stops it and declares himself the best goalkeeper in the world...Move over Neuer 9:43 - The 3 amigos find an empty pitch, 1 amigo stands at the side, guess which one 9:45 - Tyler finds 20p on pitch. John gives up on football and goes money diving 9:46 - Tyler puts John in goal, John stands 15ft to the left of goal 9:48 - Liam gets confused by the net, kind of like a brain dead Barracuda 9:56 - Liam misses many passes, John makes one and declares himself the best player in the world, then retires 10:09 - Jess goes for wee number 1 #ThrowbackBanter 10:24 - Liam finds a drink that wasn't lost, probably the only semi-useful thing we'll do all day 10:35 - Tyler takes shot, somehow misses so bad even the ball tried to go home 11:00 - Ref calls ball as over six foot, definitely wasn't. "If that's his 6ft what's his 5 inches" - What a banter from Liam 11:04 - Stevie wonder puts Jess up front 11:07 - Kick Off! Come on Adcock!! 11:08 - The referees a wanker 11:11 - Jess pancakes victim no. 1 onto the wall 11:11 - John shouts at ref, Tyler and Liam collapse with laughter 11:13 - Someone trips Jess, she takes a breather on the floor 11:13 - John shouts at ref again 11:14 - GGGGOOOOOAAAAALLLLL!!!! 11:18 - Full time. Jess glad before she has heart attack 11:22 - Jess offers Johns Jaffa Cakes about, doesn't offer John one 11:44 - Jess loses fight with a vest, now known as Jessio Balotelli 11:50 - Jess runs back to defence, takes the ball, shes on a run, ADCOCK SCORES!! MOVE OVER MESSI THERES A NEW KID ON THE BLOCK 11:55 - Joanne punches Tyler for being sarcastic, unanimous group decision that it was deserved 12:01 - Adcock scores once more, can anyone stop her? 12:05 - It turns out yes as Fresh Jess steals a goal from Adcock. She congratulates her whilst seething in silence 12:10 - Too many players injured, has to forfeit 12:11 - Jess smells, going home for a shower

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[Insert Witty Title]

March 1st 2015

11:00 - John is immediately relegated to the back

11:01 - John preemptively calls shotgun for next week

11:02 - John bans Tyler from list, henceforth shall be called Captain Nibblenuts

11:34 - Swagwagon pulls into MacDonalds

11:35 - Pull up behind a car that looks like a dog taking a shit

11:36 - The Spazmuffins in the kiosk forget the order not 10 seconds after placing it

11:56 - Jess slams the door with the force of Zeus

12:04 - Saqqara is late, group decision that she's a massive nob

12:12 - Saqqara finally decides to show up

12:46 - John goes for wee no. 1

13:12 - Captain Nibblenuts and John find a football

13:21 - John scores before Captain Nibblenuts, Captain Nibblenuts gutted

13:30 - Captain Nibblenuts and John sprint for the ball

13:31 - Captain Nibblenuts and John have heart attacks

13:54 - Captain Nibblenuts and John still dead from sprint

14:00 - Kick off!

14:30 - Jess goes down, game stop, not injured

14:37 - Goes down again, still not injured

14:45 - John complains of boredom, no-one has been flattened yet

15:15 - GOOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!!

15:20 - The bad guys score (boo, hiss)

15:24 - Jessiqqah claims first victim

15:30 - Jess says fuck it, turns game into rugby and flattens some MoFo's

15:37 - Cold

15:38 - COLD

15:39 - COLD!!!!!

15:43 - No. 5 takes her 342nd shot of the game

15:50 - Rugby's on on clubhouse. Reminds John and Captain Nibblenuts of Jess playing

18:06 - Jess has an argument with her Garlic and Herb sauce...and loses

[Insert Witty Sign Off]

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The OG List

22nd February 2015

Average day watching Arnold Town:

11:00 - Get picked up

11:24 - Pick up Saqqara

11:25 - Saqqara immediately regrets coming with us

11:29 - Give Jess street name (Jessiqqah)

11:32 - Fat Lance Armstrong slows us down, Tyler bursts a blood vessel shouting at him

11:38 - Arrive for Cheeky MacDonalds (2 large fries with a side of extra cheeky)

11:40 - Jess orders a yolo swag burger

11:42 - Barenziah calls Jess a massive nob

11:44 - Order another large fries because...yolo

11:59 - Jess goes for wee no. 1

12:03 - Tyler gets acquainted with Shawn the sheep

12:05 - Barenziah confirms Jess is a massive nob

12:07 - Group decision that Pat is a massive nob for not replying

12:08 - Geoff seconds Barenziah motion, Jess is definitely a massive nob

12:10 - Bantermobile leaves MacDonald's

12:14 - Dog does backflip, Tyler wets himself

12:17 - Fat lance Armstrong appears again

12:20 - Jess gives Tyler keys and phone, big mistake. Wonder when she'll find it.

12:25 - Tyler's puts John in goal. John laughs.

12:30 - Tyler scores goal. Has a heart attack in the process.

12:35 - 13:50 - BORED

14:00 - Of course its raining, why wouldn't it.

14:01 - Fuck it's cold

14:22 - Jess flattens victim no. 1

14:30 - Jess slays Giant Gonzalez with a vicious shoulder barge

14:31 - Victim no. 3 feels the wrath of Jessiqqah

14:47 - Game called off. Oh dear, what a shame.

15:05 - Jess freezes her tits off in clubhouse.

15:23 - Trish punches Kenzie, it was just banter

15:27 - Jess has little sausage. Not one joke was made

16:00 - Jess leaves us. Group decision that Jess is a nob

Bashtag Hanter