totheloverthatilost

[totheloverthatilost]

I hate how in love I was with you. I hate that I'm still in love with you.

[totheloverthatilost]

"The heart settles to wherever it belongs no matter how far it wanders.."

I just woke up ng nabasa ko 'to. And in an instant, sobrang sakit? Kasi alam kong totoo. Totoo kasi naramdaman ko sayo. It's not that my insecurities are getting the best of me ah, pero with our 5 years relationship and your 3 weeks with Ara? Ibang iba. You've always been my home pero it feels like you never felt the same way. Your actions and efforts with me, pilit, tinatrabaho, madaming kailangang tandaan para maalala mo. Sa kanya, effortless and with all sincerity. Hindi sa sinasabi kong di ka sincere sakin ah, pero iba yung sa kanya eh. I hate to admit na nagtagal ka nga lang sakin pero never ka talaga naging akin. I'm letting you go, i'll set you free to someone na hindi ka mapipilitan mag effort, dun sa madali para sayo mahalin. Baka nasa sakin din yung problema, with all my demands and insecurities. I just hope na you'll find your happiness, the person where your heart can finally settle.

[totheloverthatilost]

Hi. I guess it's not my role anymore to call you 'love'? I saw your story. Sana sinabi mo na baker ang gusto mo, sana nicareer ko mag bake. Char. Although it shattered my heart into a million pieces, still, every single piece of my heart is happy for you. I hope she loves you in ways that I couldn't, care for you at all times, be with you through the good and bad. I hope she's the one.

[totheloverthatilost]

Hi love. It's me again. I received my first paycheck yesterday. I wanted to share it with you pero I know na you're keeping your distance with me. And it's okay. I understand. Ang sarap sa feeling nung nakita ko sa account ko na may pera na ako. Hahaha. Pero dumaan lang. Nagbigay kasi ako ng 4k sa bahay, 3k sa nagastos ko last week, and 1k for mother's day na pangkain nila. Then, nagpagawa din ako bouquet na worth 700 pesos. Aray sa bulsa. Pero dedma na, aanhin pa ba pera. Hahaha pero yun nga pagdating sakin, di ako makabili. Hahahaha. Magchecheck out sana ako ng damit kasi gamitin ko sana sa birthday ko, pero di ko matuloy tuloy kahit mga worth 200 lang naman. Is this adulting? Priorities? Hahaha grabe naman ang selfless ko naman. Then, ngayong break, tutulog sana ako pero ikaw naaalala ko. Yung plano natin, mga fancy dates, restaurants na we'll try. Pero yun nga. I guess, I'll try it on my own. I wanted to spoil you with gifts and surprises, pero I can't na. It kills me to think na we're done na for good. It still breaks my heart na I'm not talking to you, na all I could do is hope, hope that somehow you'll visit this. If you ever did, I hope you know how much I miss you and how badly I wanted you to be back. I'll wait for you to come home, my love. As long as I could.

[totheloverthatilost]

May 2, 2021

Hi love. I have so much to share with you but I can't bring myself to talk to you. You've been avoiding me on purpose no? I'm sorry if I'm bothering you so much. It's just that everything feels so brand new and you're still the one I want to share these stories with. Here goes my tiny little hope that you'll stumble once again on this blog. I'll start by telling you what's been happening on my days lately.

So, last 2 weeks, may nag covid positive sa kabilang project which is kashare namin ng office. So, ayun. Medyo nakakatakot kasi may iba sa project namin na madaming nakaclose contact sa kabilang project. Pero thankfully, wala pa nanan nagpo-positive samin. Puro suspected cases lang. Then, ayun. My work is not related to my job title. Nagawa ako ng reports na pinapasa sa consultant, weekly progress, daily progress, monthly, ppt for the construction meeting. Minutes ng meeting. Puro ganon. Routine actually. Pero nakapagikot naman ako sa site last Thursday. Ayun. Di pa din ako nasweldo. Hahaha. Tapos everyday halos OT ako. 7pm ako nalabas kasi nakakahiya umuwi ng maaga tapos sinabihan din ako nung nagtuturo sakin na wag daw ako magmaaga ng uwi kasi namumuna daw yung project manager namin. Enjoy naman kshit papaano, hoping na matuto pa sa construction.

Bumili nga pala ako ng phone. Birthday gift ko na sa sarili ko. Realme 7. Ang mame muna nagbayad. Sira din di ba yung phone ko. Sira yung camera tapos ang lag na. Ayun.

Last friday umuwi ako sa bahay, tapos ngayon ako nakabalik dito sa Sto. Tomas. Medyo ang sad kasi nga back to reality. Pero need lumaban. Nagcarbonara kami ng mga kawork ko today, nagluto kami dito sa bahay. Tapos dinalhan ko sila ng pasalubong, yung red velvet cheesecake. Yung binibigay ko sayo before? La lang. Naalala kita. Miss na miss pa din kita. Uwi ka na sakin love ko.

[totheloverthatilost]

To the lover that I lost,

Happy birthday loml! I hope you enjoy your day. I wish you are happy, that you celebrated it well. You deserve every joy and love, specially today. One of my wishes for you is may you achieve everything your heart desires, that you'll find comfort or solace whenever things are not going well, that may your chosen path in life and career will go well, and I hope you'll make it. We may have ended our relationship, but I won't cut any bond that we built. I will always cheer for your success, support your decisions, forever believe in you, with everything that you do and anything that you want. If things are not going well, I hope you'll stop blaming yourself, I hope that your mind will finally became your ally. I'm proud of all the battles you fought alone silently, but please don't forget that you have your friends, who will listen and understand you so I hope you start to embrace that part. You're strong, but it wouldn't make you less of a person to ask for help sometimes. I know I'm the last person on your list when you need someone to talk to, but still don't hesitate. I also hope that you're heart may heal every pain that I inflicted, or every person who hurt you. I hope that you can finally be free with every excess baggage that you have. May this year makes you grow into someone you always dreamed of. Again, you'll always be loved. Happy happy birthday, my love. 'Till our next lifetime.

With much love and respect,

Shelly

[totheloverthatilost]

March 31, 2021

Hi, happy birthday, Mario. Teka, ang unusual sa pakiramdam na ganitong paraan kita babatiin, walang pictures natin, walang celebration together, walang tayo. Siguro sanay lang din nga ako before. 1st time natin to celebrate your birthday is nag breakfast tayo sa Mcdo, remember? Surveying days. Pancit canton naman nung hapon. Second time is di tayo nakapagcelebrate dahil ng may imemeet kang client sa SM after nung BD Class natin. Third time is yung nagdodorm ka na and mag isa ka, so nag SM tayo and nag Zark's tayo for the first time. And then yung last year, pandemic. Kaya no choice tayo. And then now, eto. Wala na. Ano bang point bat ko pinaalala? Wala lang. Nanghinayang lang ako ng konti na di natin nacelebrate ng maayos yung birthday mo, na I should have done better. So, yeah regrets and missed chances. I'm sorry, for my lapses, for the things I didn't do and for the words I didn't say when you were still mine.

[totheloverthatilost]

It's not like forever wasn't made for us, hell it was, it is, it's just love wasn't.

[totheloverthatilost]

To the person who will love him next,

He might laugh the brightest in every room he'll ever enter, and he might have a hundred people around him asking for attention, but for as long as he loves you, there's nothing for you to worry about. He's wonderfully loyal, you'll be the only one he'll ever want.

He isn't as strong as he likes to pretend he is, he's afraid of heights so make sure to hold his hand, he's afraid of ghost and other haunted stuffs, he'll stop you midway of your sentence if you're saying something scary and will make you say 'bawi', he's easily scared so don't watch scary movies, when you watch sad movies, he's going to let you cry into his shoulder but I can assure you that he's crying too. Hold him, let him pretend he isn't crying, and give him your shoulder to cry on. On days when his smile doesn't quite reach his eyes, he'll never tell you that easy what's hurting or bothering him, on days like those, bring him his favorite foods or snacks, and watch Marvel movies. You might need to pretend it's what you want to do, because he likes to put on a stupid strong front or the 'I-can-carry-it-well-all-by-myself' attitude. He spends so much of his time thinking about others, that it's easy for him to forget that he also needs someone to tend to him. So, tend to him, care for him.

In times of fight, please think before you speak. Be mindful of your words. It will hurt him, more deeply than you'll ever know, more than he'll ever show. If he walks out, let him, because by the end of the day, he'll always come back to you. He will need time, to process his mind and his emotions, but knowing Mario, he have a great heart so everything will be okay. Just remember, even if it gets bad, you're still lucky to have him and his love. It took me the end of us to realize that, so I hope you'd learn from me.

Also, know that his little act of kindness and service are his own way of showing his love for you. He'll pull you close, gently massage your hands, and hug you until you fell asleep. This little things, all of it means you're the one who holds his heart. Also, He'll give you random gifts that you'd never ask for, simply because he thought of you, that's one of his way to show you that he loves you, and that you're on his mind. It's a priviledge, something I didn't treasure before. So, I don't want you to commit the same mistakes that I did. He might not always say it, but you'll know, in the way he smiles at you like he can see in your eyes that you hold the whole universe, that his heart is yours.

So, tell him you love him every day. He's yours to keep and to treasure. Be good to him, give him the happiness that I couldn't give. Today, during his birthday, I only wish and hope that he finds you, the person who will love him next, hoping that you would be able to love him in a way that he needs and deserves, something that I couldn't give.

Whoever loves him next, whoever you are, I hope you love him in the way he deserves. I hope you love him, better than I did and better than I could. Not more only better. As arrogant and as selfish this might sound, I don't think it is possible for you to love him more than I did. I loved him with my whole heart, every bit of it until it hurt, with a love that was more than love, even more than how I valued myself. I really did. But, it wasn't good enough. I'm wrong to think that if I loved him hard enough, it would mean that I loved him good enough. But now, I realized that even if you give someone everything you have with everything that you have, sometimes, it's not what they need or worst — want.

To the person who will love him next, I hope he'll tell you about me, or our past, one day. I hope that even if we didn't last, I was able to atleast left a remarkable impression on his heart, that even if it's a selfish thing to say, I hope he'll think about me, from time to time. And I know this is terrible to say, to the person who will love him next. But, you'll have him and his heart, so I hope it would be okay for me to have a little bit of his thoughts. He'll love you, and you'll love him back but I hope I left a little space in his heart. He held so much of my heart that I don't know how much of it I got back. I'd like to think, that maybe, what we had, even for a short period of time, is worth remembering. Even if it didn't last.

I'm grateful,still, for the time Mario and I shared. The time he did love me. Because it turned me into a better person, it made me into someone who could let the person she loves go, I loved him enough to try to hold on, but he also taught me how to love someone by letting them go. That's what his love is capable of. It will make you thoughtful, patient, and kind. Because after all this, one thing that I realized is receiving his love was one of the greatest gift I'd received. So, treasure it. You might find yourself one day without it and think that you'd give anything to have it back, even for just another second. Anything, for another moment with him.

So, I wish he'll find you, the person who will love him next, and I hope you'll be able to love him in ways that I couldn't.

Sincerely,

Shelly

[totheloverthatilost]

I fell in love with you in every single way that is possible to fall in love with someone. I fell in love with your smile, the sound of your laughter, your hands, your eyes. Everything. And yes, even with the darkness that’s burried deep inside of you.

[totheloverthatilost]

I don't want you back but I still feel a pit in my stomach when I catch a glimpse of your face on a stranger. I don't want you back but my heart still races whenever someone mentions your name. I don't want you back but I still wonder if you will ever return. I don't want you back but I dream of what to do if ever you did. I don't want you back but if you still wanted to be with me, then probably, maybe, I would change my mind.

[totheloverthatilost]

March 28,2021

Maybe this lifetime isn't for us,but I promise to make the next ones ours. You'll always have my heart, until then love. Until then.

[totheloverthatilost]

March 27, 2021

Kwento na lang ako ulit ngayon ah. I got my braces off today. 🙈 Something na nilolook forward mo before. Idk why you don't like me that much nung nakabraces ko, you always tend to nag and say na ipaalis ko na. 😂 And ngayon na naalis na, wala ka na. Kainis. You know na I'm not a fan of posting story sa facebook, pero I did it for you to be updated. Well, I'm lowkey hoping na you would notice.

But, 6 hours na nakalipas and di mo pa naseseen. I guess, busy day din today? May work ka siguro or household errands or date with someone else. I really hate my mind when it comes to you, always assuming the worst in every situation. Ayoko mahurt for thinking na may iba ka na. Pero yeah, if that's the reality, I think my work would somehow be a great distraction. Basta, be happy my love. If want mo bumalik, just tell me. Okay? Para mareject kita. Charot. Hahahaha.

Papamedical pala ako tomorrow, medyo kinakabahan ako, pero yeah first timer kase. Anyway, kwento ko sayo bukas kung ano nangyare. I hope na somehow, you're still interested.

[totheloverthatilost]

March 26,2021

Kwento na lang ako sa nangyari sakin today ah. Maaga ako gumising. Nag asikaso kasi ako ng NBI. Renewal. Eh wala ng slot for online, buti na lang may kakilala so naisingit. Ang layo, sa Lipa pa. Sinamahan naman ako ng Tatay. Buti na lang. Pero ang nakakatawa kasi eh yung name ng nag-asikaso sakin. Mar. Tek, aga aga. Talagang pinapapaalala ka sakin ng mundo. Namiss kita bigla, naalala ko na ikaw lagi kasama ko pa-Lipa. Naisip ko, paano kaya kung tayo pa? Siguro mas madali kasi matatanong kita sa mga need ko asikasuhin. Ang hirap eh, ang dami. Tapos need ko ipasa hanggang sa 31. Kaya di ko din masyado makapagsulat dito. Stressed out ako sa requirements. Yung medical ko, sa Lipa pa din. Di ko naasikaso kanina, di ko alam if sasamahan pa ko ng tatay o magbabyahe na lang ako. Eh ang kaso, ang hassle ng byahe. Anyway, naligaw kami ng tatay kanina, dun kami sa may fiesta mall sa PSA nakapunta. Naalala kita. Naalala ko yung ikinuha mo ko ng PSA sa Alabang? Hahahaha yung live-in eme na sagot mo. La lang. Di ko alam kung bakit yung mga ganong bagay naalala ko pero mga formula sa ce hindi. Hahahaha.

Anyway, para kanino kaya yung pinost mong kanta last time? Yung Look After You ng The Fray? In love ka na ba ulit? Sabi sayo mas mauuna ka eh. Hahaha kilala kita eh, anyway if that's the case, then I'm happy for you. I hope she values you more than I did, loves you better, and treat you more than what I offered. If seeing you happy means seeing you with someone else, then don't worry about me. I'll soon find my own happiness. ♥️ And to your someone new, no need to feel jealous or threatened sa efforts ko, this is the last time I'll be doing this. This is just me trying because of regrets and missed chances, but then after, I'll let you go.

[totheloverthatilost]

Can you pretend to be proud of me?

March 25, 2021

I woke up with the email sent by SMCC. It is the job offer for the QAQC Engineer position. I've waited for almost 2 weeks for the job offer to be official. I'm happy and excited, I'm proud of myself. It finally feels like it's my time to do everything, that I can conquer everything, any goal that I want to pursue. I told my friends about it, well, a few of them. Since, I'm not fond of the backhand compliments, I decided to share it only with the people I trust and value. Around 4 people? Mariel, Ryyette, Jay Pee, and Precious.

All day, I wanted to tell you the good news. But you turned into being the first person to know everything to someone I couldn't share the good news with, from the first person to tell me 'I'm proud of you' to someone who couldn't care less. The person I could share everything with to being the person I need to distance myself from talking. How ironic is it that despite all these achievements, I'm not that satisfied because you're not here to celebrate it with me? Well, I hope you're happy and proud with what I achieved, it's my first interview and that landed me my first job. I really hope I made you proud, if not, can you at least play pretend this very minute?

[totheloverthatilost]

March 24, 2021

Tapos na ako for today eh, naibuhos ko na yung nararamdaman ko sa letter ko kanina, pero after ko marining yung A little bit yours na kanta, naalala ko na naman lahat. Napuno na naman ako ng lahat lahat ng mga pilit kong kinakalimutan. Tamang tama lahat ng linya, bawat isa, sakto sa nararamdaman ko para sayo. Nakakapagtaka, ganon ba kita kamahal? Ganon ba kita kasobra minahal? Pero bakit? Ilang beses mo naman ako nasaktan, nadisappoint. Pero bakit sa ganitong panahon, comfort at happiness na nabigay mo lang ang naalala ko? At bakit hinahayaan ko na naman ang sarili ko na malunod sa lahat ng alaala at pangakong iniwan mo?

Bakit tinatanong at sinisisi ko na naman ang sarili ko kung bakit ka nawala? Bakit ka bumitaw? Iniisip ko kung dahil ba sa mga nagawa ko kaya ka sumuko? O dahil ba sa mga hindi ko nagawa kaya ka umayaw? Mahal na mahal kita noong tayo pa pero bakit mas ramdam ko 'to lahat, ngayong wala ka na? Hanggang kelan pa ba, ilang gabi at araw pa ba ang ilalaan ko para pagluksaan yung nawala na? Yung natapos na? Sana kasing dali nga lang ng sinasabi mo, sana kasing dali para sakin ng lahat ng 'to kagaya ng para sayo.

Mahal na mahal kita, ni hindi ko alam kung hanggang kelan, kung matatapos pa o kung tatapusin ko ba, dahil lahat ng pangarap at pangako natin sa isa't isa ay nakakulong na lang sa salitang 'sana'.