toughpotatostuff

[toughpotatostuff]

[toughpotatostuff]

Looking back, it was so stupid of me to think that this pregnancy was not meant to be. I mean, I was and am so happy with my husband. We made this bundle of joy together, from our love and happiness 🥰🥰

This pregnancy might change me, inside and outside. Mentally and physically. But one thing will never change; we're pregnant out of happiness..and love..and I will never regret it because this child will know how deeply his/her parents love each other 🥰🥰

Ya Allah, thank you for this amazing husband and father-to-be.. he's truly the love I deserve.. the love I'm meant for 🥰🥰

[toughpotatostuff]

Kelopek koreng

Selang sekian tahun sejak terakhir aku menumpahkan nila-nila kehidupan di sini. Sekarang aku sudah menikah dengan lelaki yang selalu kuimpikan wujudnya, yang saat ini sedang khidmat tenggelam dalam pelajaran bahasa inggrisnya.

Aku selalu sangat bersyukur akan pernikahan kami, terlebih di hari ini. Siang tadi, entah dalam pengaruh setan mana, aku mencari alamat rumah si bajingan itu di street view google maps. Sama seperti beberapa tahun lalu, waktu itu, aku pun tidak menemukan rumahnya.

Hingga siang ini.

Setelah kutelusur satu persatu jalan selebar 1 mobil dengan penomoran yang amburadul itu, akhirnya kutemukan rumah dengan nomor itu. Tanda nomor rumah yang sesederhana angka yang dicat warna hitam pada tembok depan rumah. Tanpa pagar, tanpa garasi. Selama ini di street view tahun-tahun sebelumnya, nomor rumah itu tertutup tirai bambu berdebu yang sekalian menutupi seluruh fasad rumah. Rumah itu pernah merupakan rumah makan padang dan usaha sablon sebelumnya. Mungkin milik keluarga si bajingan itu.

Namun sesungguhnya yang membuatku syok bukanlah keadaan rumahnya yang tidak layak sebagai rumah tinggal, apalagi menurut cerita si bajingan itu, ia tinggal bersama keluarga besar termasuk nenek-om-tante-sepupu di situ. Pun bukan kesenjangan dari gaya bicaranya yang selangit itu dengan dirinya yang asli. Bukan pula sikap merendahkannya pada (nantinya) profesiku. Aku selalu tahu, latar belakang ekonominya tidak seberuntung aku.

Aku syok, bukan karena kebohongannya, tapi aku bertanya-tanya apa sajakah hal jujur yang keluar dari mulutnya selama 3 tahun itu?

Bila ia ternyata bohong tentang "pengalaman" menyetirnya adalah memasukkan mobil ke garasi ketika menurut google motor saja harus memakan badan jalan untuk singgah. Bohong kecil, bohong sederhana. Tapi ia sampaikan saat kami harus membawa mobil seorang temanku karena ia ingin mencoba membawanya. Yang berarti apabila ada suatu hal buruk terjadi, aku yang mesti bertanggung jawab atas namanya.

Apa cerita tentang almarhumah ibunya adalah kejujuran? Bagaimana dengan cerita tentang bapaknya yang juga bajingan? Apa dia pernah benar-benar menyayangiku? Atau aku hanya seorang sponsor hidupnya 3 tahun di tanah orang?

Sponsor dengan daya yang tidak sedikit; mengurasku uang, tenaga, dan kewarasan, yang juga nyaris merenggut nyawaku.

Sulit untuk aku memaafkan si bajingan itu. Sempat aku legowo beberapa waktu, hanya untuk sesekali teringat lalu kudapati mengumpat sendiri.

Suamiku tahu semua mengenai masa laluku, namun kurasa tidak akan ada seorangpun yang akan paham sedalam apa luka yang aku punya. Aku harap tidak ada seorangpun.

[toughpotatostuff]

duh jujur sebenernya gua udah ga tau ngapain masih pacaran sama orang ini while i dont feel emotionally fulfilled anymore dan each day feels like torture talking to him. gua ga ketemu org baru jg, i just feel my life is way much better when i am alone, no real life boys just ikemens giving smiles everyday

[toughpotatostuff]

katanya jumlah orang yang ngucapin kamu ulangtahun itu = jumlah orang yang care sama kamu. well, mungkin aku setuju. sempet mikir, mungkin aku yang skrg terlalu dislikable. tapi siapa yang peduli kalau selama ini aku jadi diriku sendiri ✌

[toughpotatostuff]

Utsukushii Kare is the exact opposite, but just as honest, teenaged experience as Kieta Hatsukoi is.

One is about friendship and love and softness and humor and supporting each other and being together and bringing joy and sharing humor and the feeling of learning about yourself but knowing that you are loved and supported.

And the other is about friendship and love and loneliness and anxiety and isolation and finding a purpose and hiding passion and bullying and depression and discovering a secret you will never share and holding yourself back because of others.

[toughpotatostuff]

And hating every min of it xox

[toughpotatostuff]

bpd also means:

chronic feelings of emptiness

basically having no hobbies

not being able to find a passion

not experiencing happiness trough hobbies or people

but really wanting to do something fun and fulfilling

being tired, having depression

rushing into new hobbies and needing equipment immediately, spending a lot of money

but loosing interest quickly and easily

not pursuing hobbies due to no instant success

not being able to act on a hobby cause you’re highly agitated

feeling numb all day, even around loved ones and doing something actually fun

not really experiencing a situation, feeling like you are not actually there

[toughpotatostuff]

i feel too much or nothing at all // from my journal

[toughpotatostuff]

“YoUr TrAuMa MaDe YoU sTrOnGeR” uhhh no tf it didn’t. It gave me an incurable personality disorder with a 10% suicide rate

[toughpotatostuff]

Friendly reminder that this world was designed for neurotypicals and if you’re neurodiverse or mentally ill and you’re struggling, please be kinder to yourself because you’re doing your best in a world that wasn’t designed for you

[toughpotatostuff]

BPD is… “I’m quitting tumblr and giving up writing because everyone on here fucking hates me anyway and I don’t fit in no matter how hard I try”

BPD is… forming intense relationships/friendships and then out of nowhere pushing people away because you’re convinced they’re going to leave you anyway, and then you get hurt when they don’t fight for you thereby confirming your initial worry

BPD is… one minute telling yourself you don’t need anyone and you’re totally fine being alone and that you’ve got all your little lists and plans in your notebook of how you’re going to make your life amazing and never be down or suicidal or give a shit about what anyone thinks to three minutes later being back in that black hole before you could even feel yourself falling

BPD is… hating yourself for being so incredibly selfish sometimes and hating yourself even more for not being able to stop it

BPD is… suddenly spending everything in your bank because you just don’t give a shit anymore

BPD is… wanting to talk to people constantly about your feelings because you NEED someone to understand and you’re desperate for someone to take it away or remind you that you’re wanted and loved, but then in the same breath you’re terrified to ever ever tell anyone about it because you’re frightened it’ll just make them hate you/leave you

BPD is… a constant feeling of emptiness/boredom/unfulfillment

BPD is… people telling you that if you just take your pills or think positive or do your therapy or don’t talk about it/think about it that you’ll be fine. But you won’t. Because then all you do is try your hardest to hide it and just exhaust yourself even more.

BPD is… knowing that you’ve been like this most of your life and will be for the rest of it and it scares you.

BPD is… these things and so many more. It’s different for each sufferer in many ways and yet the same. 

BPD is… something still highly stigmatised even by many MH professionals and is portrayed in the media and on tv shows/movies often as people who are narcissistic  and toxic and quite frankly awful. 

Fellow BPDers I’m with you and sending you all massive love (not that any of you will believe my love really because that’s the nature of BPD right?) xx

[toughpotatostuff]

I know it sounds really terrible but fuck I'm going to say it anyway. Having BPD means you'll never be loved with the intensity you love others, you'll always love more. And that's part of the reason you'll always be terrified people will abandon you.

[toughpotatostuff]

Sometimes I forget I have daddy issues cause I don’t interact with men that often but then I interact with one and I go “OH YEAH OH YEAH I NEED A DAD.” And it’s very embarrassing

[toughpotatostuff]

So on one side of japanese bl right now we have a Ravenclaw and a Hufflepuff being absolute adorable disasters, madly in love, not afraid to talk about their feelings, cute, adorable sweethearts

And on the other side we have a Gryffindor and a Slytherin, also being disasters, but for the complete opposite reasons, still madly in love tho but horrible at expressing their feelings

[toughpotatostuff]

the thought of ending my life always resurface at times like this... but im scared in the process of investigating my cause of death they will find out about this blog and i fucking cannot afford that

[toughpotatostuff]

no one:

absolutely not a single soul:

Aoki when he falls in love: