towhomever

[towhomever]

February 7 2024

Been a while huh? 4 years based on my last. Major updates are that I broke up with David by the end of 2020. I think past me told the story better and it was going in that direction. More than anything, I met Pieter online. He was shy, quiet, and sweet. In short, exactly my type. We were online dating for the whole of 2021 then I finally made the decision to call it quits and move to Europe in 2022. I essentially forced my parents to let me go under false pretense that I had acquired a job for a marketing company in Belgium when in reality I had nothing. I met up with Pieter in Madrid on January 20 just to make sure he wasn't a catfish (although we have been video-calling for a year before hand). We stayed at my brother's apartment while we were exploring Madrid in the mornings. Then I flew to Belgium with him and officially started living together on February 8.

It was a rough first year because it was hell to adjust to the weather and seasonal differences. Not to mention all the trauma from my childhood, both by my brother and parents, and from my last year in University were starting to come up.

During my last semester of University the College secretary found out that I was mistakenly credited for a class that I hadn't taken. I asked about that class in the past and they said according to my transcript of records that I had finished that class. They essentially fucked up the classes on my transcript when I shifted from Industrial Engineering to Civil Engineering. I had a breakdown because I was rushing to finish all my classes and my thesis while studying remotely then this happens. I had passed everything except for that class so they managed to make that class available for me that summer because it is usually offered only in the second semester. I took it, had a rough time studying, and eventually passed it.

When it was over, I didn't get a celebration for my graduation. My parents barely cared about it except on Facebook of course where they made a big fuss. They didn't even want to take photos with me around campus. Natalie was the one taking all my pictures for me. Either way, I figured I would be out of there soon enough. Then we got COVID. My dad got sick first and we were all telling him to quarantine himself but the selfish bastard argued that it wasn't COVID and that it was just a normal flu. And as expected, 2 days later, my sister and I showed symptoms. I couldn't smell and my sister couldn't taste. My mom was asymptomatic though. We had the option to either stay at home or go to a quarantine facility. The main benefit of the quarantine facility was that if one of us got more dire then we would have direct access to the hospital. Only my mom was worried for my dad. I genuinely thought we should stay home. Natalie and I pleaded that we stay home on our own but they said we either have to all stay at home or all be in the quarantine facility. So we had to stay in a small room for 10 days straight with my insufferable parents who spent the entire time arguing about trivial matters like my mom's brother not being more compassionate when on call with my dad or how the mother superior nun at the church my mom is obsessed with likes my dad more. They would turn into screaming matches and my mom would even run out into the hallway playing victim to this man she can easily leave and honestly should have left to die of COVID. I would have to damage control and tell my mom to go inside and for my parents to stop arguing because Natalie and I could barely keep our heads. My mom even started yelling at Natalie to get better so we can get out of the quarantine facility and I had to reason with her to stop because that won't make her get any better.

After all this, I told them I was leaving next year. It inevitably turned into this big fight and they were pressuring me to stay but I was set on leaving by this time because my parents were something else. I told my sister I would make something of myself in Europe and that I would get her out of here. I promised her that I would help her and that she can live with me soon.

So fast forward to today. I got a job at ASML in the Netherlands in May of 2022 as a Production Engineer. The Netherlands was more accepting of expats and didn't really need to convert our degrees into a Dutch one because ASML is an international company as well. Luckily Pieter and I lived just across the border in Belgium. This did make it a little complicated in terms of having to get my social security and insurance in the Netherlands and deal with the paperwork for Belgium as well. Either way, it was all worth it because my starting salary was at 2.4k euros monthly with a 6% increase each year for the first 3 years for a fresh-graduate bachelor degree holder. Not to mention we had 13th month pay, holiday bonuses, and 40 vacation days in total and boy was I happy. I never expected to find something like this so soon, and what an opportunity it was compared to the companies in the Philippines that were paying a literal 8th the amount of what I was being paid at best with only 10 days vacation. Point is, life was going well for me.

My parents and Natalie decided to visit Europe in July. They first visited Matthew and Armie in Madrid before coming to Belgium of course. Natalie got into another stupid argument with my parents and started self harming by scratching her arms profusely. She was in a dark place and I remember that place all too well. I was worried for her and I promised to help her get out of there once she was done with Highschool. I tried to help her out with her plans for University here but she's not as confrontational as I am when it comes to my parents. She's fierce but she knows what happens when you hit a dead-end with my dad. There's this terrible power-trip he exhausts on us, and basically when you've proven him wrong and he's losing his stance he threatens to hit us or just plain hits us. In short - he and my mom are fucking physically and emotionally abusive.

My parents and Natalie then came to visit us afterwards and Natalie ran into my arms. I could tell she had a stressful time and was really excited to see me. She, Pieter, and I had the best time. My parents visited mostly to see how I was doing. I was doing really well and so were Pieter and I. I mean Pieter and I definitely had some ironing out to do but one thing I always appreciated of him was the consistency he brought. He was kind, caring, dependable, and everything I ever wanted in a partner. I knew it annoyed them to see how I was now. It annoyed them to see how I was with Pieter and how I was thriving without them. My sister on the other hand was so happy to be around Pieter and I that she would even sleep on our little couch in our tiny apartment instead of the AirBnB my parents rented out a few blocks away.

In August, my parents, Natalie, Pieter and I went to visit Paris and Versailles for the summer. We all then went to Spain to meet up with the rest of the family and Auntie Roenna and Uncle Vince who were also visiting Spain. This definitely put a toll on Pieter and I because he could see how draining my parents were and how controlling they were. They even started telling him what chores to do because Auntie Roenna was "our guest" and we had to cater to her even though we were all supposedly on vacation.

Pieter also found it incredibly exhausting being around my brother, because in the short time that we have spent around him he has tried to cheat on Armie by having coffee and hoping to sleep with this girl named Paula who was part of their friend group. He also claimed that a lot of women were into him and even hurt Pieter's thumb by "teaching" him arnis. He even got in this fight with Armie saying that she doesn't think he's manly enough because he's not tall like Pieter is. This bit we found hilarious though.

When it was finally over and Pieter and I returned to Belgium, I started seeing my therapist Sophie Pollock. The rest of the year was pretty calm after that. The only other big thing was that one of my colleagues was fired and went to prison for punching a guy in the face an effectively blinding him. This colleague of mine was named Bas Vorstenbosch and he was a professional kickboxer as well. When he got out of prison he tried calling me up a few times and was asking to meet up but I declined because he was also borderline racist and misogynistic at the office. My two other colleagues Marc and Jur were also low-key racist and misogynistic but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Fast forward to June of 2023, I and my colleagues when to a week long conference in Wilton, USA to meet the rest of the people running ATT (Automated Torque Tooling). I clicked very well with the people from the Wilton factory and they were very impressed by my the KPI (Key Performance Indicator file) I created from scratch last year. That was originally Marc's project that he told me to "figure out" and when I did, they were all so impressed with it. While they were complimenting my work as I was presenting, Marc and Jur abruptly left. Soon after when I joined them for coffee they started cracking jokes like "Maybe you should run the other factory since you can do everything right?" They were basically edging me out of the competence. They even went so far to say "How about you run the Twinscan Factory and Marc and I will run the EUV factory."

I tried not to think too much about it because I stayed for dinner and drinks with the people at Wilton and they basically revealed how much they hated Marc for his work ethic and how Jur acted like his little puppy following him around everywhere.

All this aside, it was a good conference and very motivating for me. Besides, I didn't have time to think about it because Pieter was flying in to JFK to spend the next 5 days with me on holiday in New York. I even got to meet up with my dad's cousins Uncle Peter and Uncle Joe. Uncle Peter is one of the Executive producers at CNN now and he used to work on Broadway while Uncle Joe is an attorney in New York. They were really impressed with me that I was an engineer and an artist, but Uncle Joe did the classic dad thing where we started comparing his two sons' successes to mine. One was planning to join the military and the other was about to graduate from uni with a Bachelor's in Sports science. He essentially wants to become a coach of either basketball or a football team. I didn't think their career track was too bad but I guess in a parent's eyes their children are always disappointments. Although Uncle Joe was definitely a better father because I could see he loved them. He joked around about them but he still spoke of his love of them. Moreover, he was very liberal and against homophobic and racist people. I found this hilarious because my dad must be everything he hated. No wonder they haven't met up again after all these years.

The main highlight of our New York trip was that we went to see Wicked on Broadway which I had dreamed of watching since Junina introduced it to me when I was 13. I cried during and after the performance of course and Pieter finally understood my obsession with Broadway. Afterwards we flew to Canada to stay with my Auntie Roenna and Uncle Vince (who are also way better parents than my parents because they don't hit their kids nor do they power trip as hard as my dad does). I introduced Pieter to all my cousins and I met all of their partners. Miggy was weird around us, almost like he was obviously intimidated by my success. He asked if I was materialistic out of the blue. He also said he idolizes Matthew, so that was enough of a red flag on it's own. He also sells Jesus merchandise, like T-shirts and stuff. I think Steffi and Raffy are still some of the more chill cousins among all of them, but they had all moved on with their own lives already. Steffi was pregnant with her and Elliot's first child. Michelle was living in Ottawa with Kyle with their baby Hope. The Sta Cruz siblings all had their own partners but still lived at home mostly. Although Miggy did get engaged.

When we returned to Belgium I filed for sick leave at ASML because I was having so many flashback from the last time I was in Canada. Before we went to Canada, I had just gone to the ER for self-harming. I had smashed a glass on my forehead because my mother kept screaming at me for not bringing int he laundry in time. She was yelling that I wanted her dead and that I was so ungrateful of a child for forgetting about the laundry. I also had flashbacks of my childhood and I was feeling anxious about returning to work with Marc and Jur. This is when I started my EMDR therapy sessions to specifically combat the memories regarding the physical and sexual abuse I endured from Matthew during my childhood.

All while this was happening, Pieter and I were looking into buying an apartment because with my salary increase we could finally afford it. Not to mention rent was such a waste of money. We moved into the new apartment in November and got the place ready in time for my parents, Matt, Armie, and Natalie to come visit. They visited for the holidays (December 19-January 9). My parents and Natalie again stayed with my brother and Armie first in Madrid before coming here. When they came here, things were fine for the first few weeks. They were impressed with the apartment and had a new found respect for Pieter because he had money saved up that he used as down payment for the apartment. With my salary and the money he saved up from working in the past, we managed to buy our home. Of course my parents kindness only lasted the first week. Soon all hell broke loose about how they want Natalie to study in the Philippines and my dad cracking fat jokes at me in front of Pieter's family. Also Pieter told my parents that he plans to propose to me and my mom told him that he might as well propose to me already because he proposed to them. In short, they were being insufferable. I told them off that night and said they aren't welcome in my house if they keep acting that way. Natalie joined the conversation and we argued that she has a right to hold onto her passport because it's her document and that she has a right to study where she wants. My parents argued that they're footing the bill so they can control where she goes. To which I said I can pay for it if that's the case so she has the freedom to choose. She can also always take a part time job while she's here. My dad couldn't say anything else and almost had a heart attack from it.

They were quiet for the rest of the stay and Natalie stayed with Pieter and I for most of the weeks. During this time Armie confided in me and Natalie that my brother was being abusive towards her. She tried to break up with him recently and he yelled at her, threatened to cut himself, and threw glasses at her. I advised her to run from him because there's no way that he would ever change especially since he doesn't take accountability for his actions. My brother even sent me a voice recording when this happened and said "it's not so much what I did but her reaction to what I did" So he clearly has zero capability of self reflection.

When they returned to Madrid, my parents fought with Natalie. She was defending me when my parents were playing the victim saying they were not welcome in my apartment and that only Natalie is the one welcome at my place. Natalie then said "She said you are welcome to stay so long as you don't disrespect her." Then my dad asked where the disrespect was and Natalie said "You called her fat in front of Pieter's family" Then my dad said that it was a jokea nd when Natalie tried arguing he started going "Don't dare me Natalie. You don't want to see me angry" which is what he used to say before hitting us. I then bought Natalie a ticked back to Belgium and told her she can take it if she wants, but that it will be hard for her to find a university here because she still hasn't finished highschool.

Which brings us to today. Natalie went home to the Philippines to finish Highschool and plans to run away here. My mom texted saying they plan to hear Natalie out if it is indeed cheaper to study here, so I helped Natalie come up with an Excel file. We found out it was a million pesos (20k euros) for her to study here because DLSU in the PH is ridiculously expensive. Natalie has yet to report this to my parents on a power point file. Chances are they will change their mind when the time comes so I have a backup plan where Boris and my Ate Ernestine to help my sister escape if needed.

As for me, I am reintegrating into work and thinking solutions over with my manager about the Marc and Jur issue. I also am resuming EMDR sessions with Sophie and this time will be tackling the Sexual abuse memories.

Also just to explain - the sick leave scenario at work allows someone to be on sick leave for up to 2 years with full pay. I have to have bi-monthly meetings with the company doctor and bi-weekly meetings with my manager to keep up to date on my mental health progress and reintegration.

So yeah- a lot has happened since my last post.

[towhomever]

September 5, 2020

I don’t know what I want.

David and I have been going in circles. I don’t think the fights are healthy anymore. I just convinced myself they were. We fought a lot and often. We’re very different people and even though I kept taking it on as a challenge and have begun to see the world in a bit of a new light thanks to such a wonderful man, I think that time is up. I think we’ve received and given as much as we can in this relationship and it’s on its last strings. We’ve thought about leaving all throughout this relationship and I’m not sure if this much uncertainty is common or normal, but I know it’s definitely painful. I think I allowed myself to love him because he seemed so sure that he loved me. I am afraid of commitment. I am afraid that I might not be with the right person. I fear I may be too choosy. But I knew I wanted David. I wanted to have a family with him one day, but as of late it’s been real telling how he truly is.

He has major trust issues when it comes to lying. He knows I’m a good liar, but he always assumes the worst of me even with my white lies. He knows of my worse emotions, and he knows of my better ones. I know his too. He gets angry often. He gets angry about little things and I sometimes am scared to tell him things anymore. He used to be very open when we would talk. Those first few phone calls, I felt like I could tell him anything. Lately, I feel like I’ve been hiding too much from him in fear of how he may react. I’ve been hiding my own feelings. I thought it meant I was getting better, since I can manage my anger now. But it’s gotten to a point where I’m trying to manage my sorrow and hide it – which I don’t think is good. I try communicating openly but I’m just met with more dismissal and anger to the point that I don’t know what to do and I’m scared. I’m honestly scared of him already, but I love him. And I love how he used to be towards me. He used to remember everything I said. He used to listen to everything, no matter how many times I said it. He used to willingly sit and lay back while I told him about things I thought. He used to bring me little gifts and kiss me without my having to ask. He used to visit me often and surprise me. It always bothered me how little he spoke but I thought it was just because he understood me and agreed for the most part. He used to go the extra mile. He used to love me. I don’t think he does anymore.

It began when he started feeling pressured when I’d ask him to come over. I tried to ask less frequently or just wait for him to come, but it became less and less. I thought things were getting better because I was getting better, but he seemed to be getting worse or maybe he was just being more of himself? He didn’t give many surprises after that. He started making less and less time. He began getting angry more often, and at little things. He started listening less and less. Distancing more. Fighting more. Yelling more.

I yelled more too. I distanced more. I fought more. Then I tried to fix it in the hopes that we could start again and have what we had in the beginning. But it’s come back; He’s doing it again. Fighting more. Yelling more. Listening less and less. I’m scared.

I don’t know what to do.

A part of me wants to feel like how he made me feel before. He made me feel so loved. I keep holding onto that feeling he gave.

I just feel like a burden to him now. I feel he hates me.

I want to give up.

[towhomever]

Long story short, my brother abused me throughout my childhood whenever my parents weren't home. Sexual, physical, emotional, really anything you can think of. Parents always hated me because they said I was unstable because I would self harm and fight back whenever they'd hit me (my parents are big on discipline- My mom once hit me every time my answer was wrong when I was learning multiplication. I now am scarred and sometimes hit myself whenever I fail an exam and I'm alone in my apartment. My dad also hits me for talking back. He once hit my face until the sides of my mouth bled because I talked back to him in the car.) My parents are scared of my now because the last time we almost had a physical confrontation I told them "Oh what? You wanna hit me? Do it, asshole. Fucking do it or do you want me to do it for you?" - to put into context: My dad is a lazy ass who retired at 30 and has my mom working and managing all the businesses and he has the audacity to not do the chores around the house because he is "a man." Fucked up, I know.

Outside the family, I'm a different person. I love my friends to death (I can sometimes get defensive and a little mean towards them too when we fight i.e. when I feel confronted by them or trapped in a corner I run and close myself off from them by muting them online or blocking them - only happened twice so far in my life with my close friends that I've had since grade school. I also always apologize first when it comes to that and make sure they're okay whenever after a fight) I love my boyfriend and he's seen most of my worst side, but I never treat him like that and now it's gotten a lot better than the beginning when I had trust issues and kept running from the relationship. I love him dearly and am hopeful that he might be my endgame (it's been apart 4 years now).

My sister is my only confidant and I love her dearly. I have never gotten mad at her like how I do with my parents or brother. I'm protective of her more than anyone else that I even decided that I'll teach her math so my mom wouldn't hit her anymore like how she used to hit me when we'd get the answer wrong. I fight back with my parents and learned where the lines are and when to react, what not to cross, and what to do when someone crosses it.

Focussing on the main topic here: We were at the dinner table and my dad suddenly reminded me to feed our dogs. He yelled at me because he wants them fed early in the day so we can keep them in their cages until they defecate there (because there's a drain in their cage - it's actually more of a room because it's a pretty big space and on the blueprints for the garage it's actually labelled as their room) and then release them so they're free to roam all over the driveway and garden. They're 3 german Shepherds so their shits are huge and hard to clean.

I told my dad that I had work earlier today (I'm a working student, and I part time for an ad agency at the moment) so I couldn't feed them. He then told me I have a lunch break, to which I said I want to rest and eat lunch then.

Side note: Usually the dogs do eat at night anyway- it's just that the gardener is on leave because of corona so lately my dad's been the one cleaning the driveway. It's his only chore. My mom does the dishes. My sister and I set and clear the table. I share with my mom with cooking, sweeping, and doing the laundry.

Back to the main story:

So my dad started yelling at me because he doesn't want to have to clean the driveway. I was so tired today and didn't want to eat with someone yelling at me so I asked my sister if she wanted my food, and I got up and went to my room. (To put context- I've been living in my parents house since COVID happened because classes are online. Had to give up my apartment by the University because all the food establishments closed down, the laundry place was gone, and the WiFi - so I couldn't attend my classes anymore). My dad then got mad at my sister for trying to defend me because she knew how exhausted I was from work. My dad then asked why she didn't do it and that we wouldn't be living if it weren't for them yada yada yada. So she hid in the bathroom and cried, while I was starving in my room because I wasn't able to eat lunch earlier today either.

My mom then told my sister that I'm unstable and act defensively when I'm proven wrong and that my sister should not defend me. My sister then goes upstairs tells me all of this and says she wishes they were dead. My sister is 15 by the way - and she can already tell how fucked up my parents are. My mom even said that I was a lost cause even in University compared to my brother. My brother dropped out twice and graduated after 9 years. He took the same introductory alegra 7 times before my parents begged the professor to pass him. While on my side: I shifted from industrial engineering to civil engineering and am on my graduating year (a year past the expected date of graduation because of the extra subjects I had to take after shifting degree programs).

When I told my parents about what my brother did to me (the sexual part that is. I've been telling them about the physical part for ages and my mom told me "boy play rough" even though my brother choked me wherein my feet were off the ground over a bowl of fucking cereal), my mom told me to comfort my brother because he thinks he's a monster (which he is) and that I should tell him he's not. My mom also told me "he just asked you for a blowjob." She believes my brother is a saint. My dad said he was sick but he eventually told me to go to therapy and not my brother.

This pandemic is really bringing back a bunch of issues I burried when I got an apartment by my University. I've been going back and forth with the question "should I kill them or myself?" But because I don't want to resort to going against my morale compás I always end up thinking of killing myself. I've tried to explain to them multiple times but it always gets nowhere if not worse, so what to do really- I've gotten so much better since before. I was incredibly happy with my boyfriend and my apartment, I haven't had suicidal thoughts in so long and they're coming back. Help?

P.S. I haven't told my sister about what my brother did because I want her to be 18 and adult so she doesn't do anything rash. I think she's traumatized enough because there was a time where I broke a glass over my forehead and so much blood gushed out and I was taken to the hospital. My dad told me to say it was an accident and not domestic violence, so I did. I held onto the hand of the person injecting me with the anti-tetanus shot, hoping he'd know but of course he didn't. He just tried to calm me down. I don't want to hurt her anymore. I'm trying to be stable for her. And really I'm living for her, because I want her to be happy more than anything. I want her to live a full life. I love her so damn much, I can't even explain why.

TL;DR: My mom thinks my physically and sexually abusive brother is a saint. My dad is abusive towards me and is a lazy ass piece of shit. Both my parents think I'M the problem. I don't know what to do.

[towhomever]

December 27, 2018

I am confused. I do not know whether or not I’m doing the right thing for you or for me or for either of us. I haven’t been responding mostly because I don’t know what to tell you, David.

Journaling has proven effective since I began when I was 12. It was easy enough to recollect my thoughts hen I had it black and white. I made it a point to know everything there is to know about myself, and naturally when you age – things change. It isn’t that I’ve lost myself, but that there are deeper aspects to a person’s mind than opinions, views, philosophies, and even ideals. I’ve always depicted morality as the main determinant between people, because the line between good and evil always seemed so evident in my mind. From that very same line I’ve drawn across the hemispheres I’ve imagined up to be good and evil- I know I am inherently evil. I’ve manipulated David numerous times through whatever emotional means, especially in the beginning of our relationship. Those white lies I’ve kept count of are obviously greater than I let them on to be especially when I promised to be honest with him, why else would I be counting them? I have changed significantly from when this relationship began, because plain enough to say – I didn’t know a damn thing about David. I knew of him, but for god’s sake I don’t even know where he lives and it’s been freaking me out that I’ve never stepped foot in his house. Our entire relationship has been built of lies and secrets which I never deemed would last because of the foundation. There were a lot of red flags that kept directing me into believing that this wasn’t going to end well. 1. We met online. 2. He wasn’t too talkative and it felt like I was trying to find an escape from UP and from my life. 3. I’ve lied more times than I can remember about little things, but lies nonetheless. So all of these points aside – if I were to answer that article David sent me- it would be clear to anyone that I was exceptionally emotionally needy.

But we’re not in the situation we were in almost 2 years ago. Now, you’ve met my family, I’ve met yours. I’ve learned secrets in your family, and you have learned ALL of mine. I may be a pathological liar when it makes a story fit or when it would help explain things less, but in terms of honesty – I have never kept a single thing from him because that’s what honesty is to me. Although he is right, I should not lie to him- not even white lies. I’ve been trying to fix myself with this whole emotionally needy paradigm, but I’m beginning to get confused on whether or not I truly have a problem in the first place. For the sake of the argument, I’ll have at this mini-questionnaire that David sent through an article.

1.       Do you look at your romantic partner to make you happy?

Most times, yes. I become ecstatic when he’s around. I always pegged it was a normal reaction. In the beginning, I solely sought him as my happiness in life. When I had the opportunity to delve deeper into my relationships with my friends – specifically my orgmates – I was the most balanced I’d ever been socially. At a certain point, I found myself spiralling back: Picking fights with my friends as an excuse to limit the amount of people I trust to one which would be undoubtedly exhausting for David to handle, so I don’t blame him for telling me he was overwhelmed- in fact, I appreciate it. So as of now, No- I am happy on my own doing what I love, talking to my roommate, hanging out with Boris, seeing my sister, seeing Mica, even seeing my parents at times.

2.       Do you look to your partner to fulfil all your need in love, sex, and support?

I think I have a good balance on looking for support from people: I often seek help and love from my family, specifically my parents when it comes to my career and my mom when it comes to issues involving David. I find love from my sister and David specifically. And I don’t exactly understand how looking to David to fulfil my need in sex as a bad thing- I do masturbate when I feel like it, I naturally would prefer to have David around, but I think I’ve got a healthy balance.

3.       Do you look to your partner for constant reassurance and validation? Are you looking for other to make you feel good about yourself – always looking outside self’ for reassurance? And even if you get it, do depend on it all the time? Do you feel abandoned if your partner is not available? Are you afraid your partner will not be there for you?

Not constant. I look for validation from my parents and the like, but I really can’t tell how much is too much. I sometimes reassure myself, but often times I’m not too reassuring to myself. I do not depend on reassurance from others all the time when it comes to what I love doing, often times I push myself to achieve something little by little and only contact others when I’m on the verge of breaking and need rest. I don’t feel abandoned when David isn’t around, unless we had an unresolved argument prior to his unavailability. It’s alright if he isn’t there for me all the time, but naturally I would want him to be.

4.       Do you get upset if your partner doesn’t react in a certain way, doesn’t meet a need?

Yes. I know it’s wrong, and I’ve been working on correcting it – specifically with his answers to questions.

5.       If you are alone, do you do things to fill the void with other distractions? Or when alone, do you go over past conversations or worry that he/she might leave? Is it difficult to be alone?

No. No. No. UNLESS I’ve fought with someone and it hasn’t been resolved, then all three turn to a hard YES.

6.       Is your relationship the center of your universe? What about your relationship with other friends or family? Friends or your kids?

No: A balance of all and my own career. I do not have kids, and friends are included too.

7.       Does it bother you if you are not included in your partner’s plans?

Depends on the type of plan: How far in the future is this plan? I’d actually be a bit worried if someone included me in their lifelong plans right away. I wouldn’t mind being a possibility, but for someone to surely include me – then there’s something wrong: Either the person is too impulsive (like my brother) or that they’re obsessive.

8.       Do you get jealous of things that he/she is doing without you?

No. Not at all.

All the questions aside, the main answer that would define me as emotionally needy is the special case in number 5. I may have solved the issue between David and I. David is clearly an avoidant type of person because, as the article also states, “Avoidant people often come across as dismissive…” That’s evident any time I show affection: For as long as I am the ne instigating it, he recoils. It isn’t that he doesn’t like it- It’s that he does not like when I instigate it and catch him off guard with a sudden show of emotion. To continue the statement in the article: “…often minimize closeness and were raised in an environment that was less emotional and one in which insecurity and neediness were not tolerated.”

I’ve noticed that I only become needy, anxious, when there isn’t a settlement. When there isn’t peace. For as long as things are left in chaos, then I cannot function well. I can ignore it to try to resolve personal matters on my own, such as what I am doing presently; but I absolutely cannot truly rest until there has been peace. I’ve gotten quite good at trying to ignore that I am hurt by distracting myself, as I’ve mentioned in my answer for number 5. Going back; David’s avoidant personality triggers my anxious attachment.

Everything that was written under the anxious attachment style defined who I was in the first few months of our relationship, but they do not define me now. It’s true that I was raised by oarents who were inconsistently nurturing: One moment they’d be showering me with love and affection, the next they’d be screaming and hitting. It isn’t as grave as others, and it definitely wasn’t so bad to have made any worse damage, I hope. I’ve resolved plenty, what with the help of therapy and what Vikki has mentioned to me, but for all intent and purposes – I don’t think there is anything too wrong with me. I’d still wish to see a shrink, but not so much to make a scene of it. I’ve resolved to try talking to the psychiatrists at the UHS, if only I knew where exactly to find them, but I’ve made a mental note to contact Shai, since she suggested that it helped her deal with her issues. Circling back to the issue between David and I. David’s avoidant nature tends to act as a trigger for my anxiety. Well naturally, being dismissed is one of the easiest ways to have someone worry. Every time he does this, I go through the usual cycle of spam messages, then pushing him away by suggesting to break up – thinking it would be a solution when truthfully it’s a defence mechanism that is detrimental to our relationship.

There’s the issue. I’ve resolved most of my problems in order to make this relationship work; because whatever doubts I had in the beginning of all of this- I’ve fallen in love with him. He’s sweet, kind, and loving; but he needs to help make this relationship work too. As the article, and as Vikki told me: This anxiety isn’t going to just go away. It’s easy to resolve if you understand what triggers it, if you understand how to heal it- how to secure yourself. In this case, it is impossible to secure a relationship without the other party participating.

[towhomever]

December 26, 2018

I read the article you sent and analysed it. You’re probably claiming I’m the anxious type, I’m assuming because you don’t tell me anything and are obviously the avoidant type. My being “emotionally needy” is wanting a response from talking to you about an issue that I was very uncomfortable bringing up. It took everything I had to bring it to light because I did not want precisely this to happen again- where you’d avoid the issue until you felt like it. All that’s come to light from reading your article is that whether or not I am the anxious type- you are definitely avoidant, and that a person who is avoidant coupled with a person who’s anxious can definitely be very detrimental to the anxious person’s life. You posed that my problem with how secure I felt with you in terms of our sexual relationship is solely my problem. It is true that I must work on my own body image when I am with you, but for you to wash your hands off any responsibility is cruel and insensitive. I came to you with this issue hoping to have some resolve and to ask for help, but often times I ask you for help – even before I’ve asked the question – You’d tell me to go to someone else. This is a very sensitive issue that only concerns the two of us, and that’s why I wanted to talk to you about it. This is what I mean by I don’t feel like I can talk to you anymore. The more I reach out to you, the more you avoid me. It is an insanely exhausting cycle that is apparent even when showing affection whether or not in public. When I embrace you or kiss you, even in private, you tend to recoil because you aren’t used to so much emotion. And when I don’t, that is the only time you show me affection which, going on with the idea that I am the anxious type, just worsens the scenario.

Since I’ve brought it up already, I might as well include the whole truth, which is that why I often am reaching out to you sexually is because I aren’t fully satisfied yet. Recently, when I’ve tried including myself into the equation so I can finish faster, it’s proved very effective- but in my mind- it somewhat defeats the purpose that we’re supposed to be pleasing each other. That ideal concept in my mind stems from, according to the documentary I told you about earlier, gender roles and how they’ve been fed to us in media such as porn and romance films. Rarely are female orgasms brought into the equation when sex is talked about – even in sexual education classes- that’s what makes it so taboo and so difficult to achieve. It likely is more difficult for the female orgasm to be achieved with a male partner because of the NATURAL insecurities that originate from what we observe in the media: specifically in porn wherein women of color are expected to be hypersexual and have scenes wherein she’s squirting all the time. You’ve even asked me a few times before why I don’t squirt when I’m with you or why I don’t squirt all the time. I know my body is voluptuous and I know that I can squirt and achieve multiple orgasms, but since I’ve told you and based off what you say in the moment- I feel very pressured to be that sexual all the time. I am a sexual person, but often times I like things vanilla as well and I’ve always felt that that has disappointed you. Those times when I haven’t achieved orgasm and try to have you help me finish I am often embarrassed because you look bored, and sometimes even look elsewhere while doing it. I’ve mentioned these concerns before.

All this being brought out, I want to say that I am still quite uncomfortable in bed with you. I am comfortable enough to be exposed when in a room, but I often don’t like sitting nude especially when you hold my stomach or point out my fat. I don’t believe I’d ever be comfortable until I lost an adequate amount of weight and regained confidence in my body. That being said, I think its best we do not do anything for a while until I figure this body image out. With that, I still feel pressured that if we do not engage in sexual activity for a while, as you’ve mentioned before, you wouldn’t probably want to be with me- Which makes me feel more pressured and that I’m a disappointing partner. While I’m telling the truth, a lot of the time that we’ve done it, especially the first few months – I was immensely pressured because you often tried taking things further what with going down on me and wanting me to come over and sleepover all the time. And although what you’ve been saying is true why we can’t sleepover as often as we used to, I can’t help but think it’s because I’m dissatisfying to be with. So perhaps it is true that I am the anxious type, even though I disagree with majority of the other claims. All I see that mirrors the anxious type and my personality is the sexual aspect.

Since you keep saying that this is something I have to deal with on my own then I guess this is goodbye. Besides, I wouldn’t want you sticking around waiting for something to happen when I wish to take time off sexually. I did truly love you, David.

Happy New year.

I am a crazy bitch who deserves to die. I’ve never felt more like a disease than a human, when I’m with you.  

[towhomever]

Just remembering the 1st time we were at Alabang

"When was the last time you felt bliss?"

It was one of our weekends away. Those times we'd take a step out of our own lives to rest in our idea of a new home. Certainly traditional morals and values in this country forbid us from actually having what we want, so I've got to wait until I graduate before I can have full control over what to do with my life. He's already working, but because his mom would be alone without him he stays with her.

We ate at Taco Bell after the movie, which is when I'd asked him "Whatever happened to romance? It seems our generation has managed to avoid all emotion other than happiness, to the point that other beautiful emotions have become too awkward to feel." It was just a passing thought, but he didn't let it pass.

When we arrived home later that evening, I slipped off my shoes and went to use the bathroom before settling in for bed. As I stepped into the bedroom, I noticed Gravity was playing in the background.

He was standing there, black shirt, grey pants, bare feet, and his hand stretched out towards me. I scoffed and jokingly took his hand, but then he pulled me close and began swaying me along to the music. I chuckled a bit before nestling into his neck. He held me close and we just... swayed. He pulled away and brought my chin up so I could look into his eyes. He had one of the sincerest expression I've ever seen; to this day I still tear up at the memory of it. I'd never felt so lucky. I adored this person, and he made me feel so much more than happiness. It was bliss.

[towhomever]

January 23, 2018

68th

For once my parents agreed to one of my plans. Typically I've had to plan around their schedule, but this time around they agreed to what i had asked.

David invited me to go to his friend, Kenny's birthday celebration this Saturday. I asked my parents just out of courtesy of David's invitation. I never expected that they would agree.

The day comes around and somewhere within the story of my week, David grew uncomfortable. It had something to do with Gabz, something I can't even recall. All I knew was that it made David uncomfortable that I was emotionally intimate with Gabz. I suppose any boyfriend would be worried about their partner being too intimate with someone else, even just mentally.

I tried to talk him down but with his emotional responses, the situation grew even larger. The fight wore out for most of the day, and I spent a few hours contemplating and even crying about it.

In spite of the fight, I knew I still wanted to see him. And it would be odd for me to pass up this opportunity my parents candidly gave. I asked David if he still wanted to see me that day and he said yes. He was more than sorry, he shed a few tears and I was being much too hard on him. I've always been much too hard on him. And yet there he still is. It's almost as if this entire year of us together had been a test of his character and whether he would remain with me, whether this was really something worthwhile. He's passed every milestone and I couldn't be luckier. I just wish things took their course in a gentler way.

Naturally, we didn't start out too well. I've had my doubts since the beginning considering how we met and how the relationship started. I'm more than a bit of an idealist: In fact, as difficult as it is to oblige, I am a full forged romantic. But not in a biblical sense, but more like textbook. A sort of rule I have to follow else I wouldn't be satisfied with the result. A pedantic kind of way of thinking that I often lose my humanity in.

Certainly David deserves so much more than how I've treated him. He deserves everything I could provide and I'm beginning to learn how to give again.

This past year I've been taking so much more than I deserve. And even if I did deserve it, David likely does. I want to be able to spoil him rotten as how he does with me. Of course not to the extent of feeding him lies for his ego. Maybe not so much spoiling but pasteurization. I want to be able to give him every thing he needs and desires, and this time I likely mean in a biblical sense.

Essentially, I want him to know that I love him. More than, even my words strung together rhythmically, could ever express. That I love him more than any tune could ever turn his heart over.

I want him to know just how much he means to me. Which means I had to make it that night.

We met up at the shopping center near the place where the party would be held at. We ate dinner with my family before going. My brother had just arrived, and while my parents were out shopping, he slammed his hands on the table in a fit of rage that had nothing to do with us.

David gripped my hand tightly in his lap to sort of calm me. He felt me jerk and tense up, much like how I always do whenever my brother gets into one of his rages. I looked over at him and he nodded his head, assuring me that I was going to be fine and if anything were to happen he was right there for me.

He's my safety.

Once we finished our meals, we left for the party. We were obviously late, but it wasn't too bad considering that there were still plenty of guests and it seems the celebration had only but begun. I recognized Miggy, one of David's close friends, and was then introduces to Lawrence, otherwise known as wax. I think his nickname had something to do with he having excessive earwax? But never the mind.

We drank a few, and downed a few shots with his friends. I only had but one conversation with the birthday celebrant, Kenny, and it was to wish him a happy birthday. The night ended shortly, considering it began at 10, and that my entire family was waiting at Starbucks at around 12.

I apologized for cutting the evening short. David then accompanied me to his car.

The moment the doors to his car shut close, we reached over to each other. I gently placed my hands behind his head to run my fingers through his hair and to brush my lips against his. Considering we've had a few drinks in us, it grew feverish quite fast. He grabbed a fist-full of my hair and gently angled my head to the side so his tongue could have better access into my mouth. He wrapped his free hand around me and pulled me closer, causing a moan to escape through the glimpses of breath we would take in between.

We quickly adjourned to the back where we would have more room. I took off my underwear from underneath my dress as he quickly undid his belt and lowered his pants. I'd practically memorized every inch of him. His touch, in spite its familiarity, was every bit as exciting as the first night we ever spent together. It was almost as if it were a year back, and he had held me for the first time. It felt as though it did then- I could feel clusters of sensation writhing up my back. Every sense awakened and active making life in itself seem all the more real. It feels exactly as it did then, except that there was more to the physicality of it all than the innocence we thought of each other then.

No, this time, it was a matter of what we knew of each other. We've seen the worst and best pieces of ourselves. We've been fragmented and broken apart in the year we've spent learning the other. The time that's gone seems too short for how long we've understood. No one's ever understood the other as well as we have. A sort of transcendence from mere being to this pure nature of what it means to be human. This love of lust, and ultimately this lust for love. We've fought through whatever demons we harbored to find the simplest of joy. It wasn't a matter of what we were, are, if will be. It was a matter of what we've earned of each other.

And even with everything that's happened, I don't believed I've earned him fully.

I started thrusting against him. He's liked it rough before, so I tried to mimic that interest when he gripped my waist and asked me to slow down. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me flush against his chest. He let the other hand grasp my ass hard as he started to gently guide me over him. He sat at the edge of the seat so I'd slide down his lap, and every moment I felt him at the end, he'd pull me right back - pushing himself all the way in. He took control of my body. Despite the pace, I came apart quickly. I had my hand gripping his hair and my face buried in his neck. He held me so close, he could practically feel every vibration resonate through us. His left ear must have been ringing what with the breathy tones hushed for only him to hear. Eventually, he had to let me go so he could cum outside. What I would do to have had that inside me. It was so warm against my leg, and all I wished was for the world to fall into a black hole, so that we could live in that moment for eternity.

But eternity was nothing compared to when he pulled the back of my neck and brought me in for a kiss.

I love him.

[towhomever]

Canadian Bucketlist

1. Visit Niagra falls. 2. Go to the Tim Horton’s near the Staple center. 3. Go on an entire day without saying please or thank you and see how people react 4. Take the train. 5. Say “a” after every paragraph for a day 6. Learn all the names of the cities and pronounce them properly. 7. Get a donut on the house, a. 8. Ice skate and not fall over. 9. Snowboarding. 10. Skiing. 11. Eat a whole box of timbits. 12. Touch a mouse. 13. Take an instagram photo of a maple leaf. 14. Watch a hockey game. 15. Maple syrup. 16. Nutella cafe. 17. Space needle.

[towhomever]

June 27, 2017

7:06 pm

Now that I’m fully rested from my 3 day weekend I spent with David (Monday was a holiday) I can finally talk about it. We’ve done plenty before going for the homerun, naturally, and seeing as the last person I kissed was 4 years before David, I’ve been – to use the more clinical term – horny. But often times I’d cry after most intense sexual acts done because of the negative stigma from the Southeast-Asian culture of saving it til’ marriage and because of the sexual abuse I suffered as a child I often get confused on whether not David loves me. I’d often get stressed out, that even though he’s assured me countless times and his actions obviously are evidence enough to his feelings towards me being more than merely carnal. Afterwards especially when he has to go home after we spent the weekend, I typically have difficulty coping with the feeling of being abandoned. I’m aware of how unhealthy it is and he offered to use his insurance to find a psychologist for me to speak with and I selfishly accused his kindness as a means to not deal with me. I’ve upset him countless times to the point of tears because of accusing him of malicious intentions when in fact all he’s ever done was help me.

Room 1119

We rented a place close to my house, a condominium unit for 3 days and 2 nights. It’s called Wind residences and the unit was perfect for a couple. All amenities were provided: 1 bedroom with a queen sized bed, a kitchen with a stove, a bathroom with an over head shower, and a quaint enough living area with a flat screen TV all for Php 3,200 total. It was a really nice place since there was a pool area and restaurants outside. The first night, David’s co-worker wanted to go drinking with us so we decided to buy some 3 bottles of beer and drink at Twin Lakes. Since it was my hometown, I knew where all the great spots were. I suggested twin lakes because it over-looks two lakes. Living on a mountain really provides a calming scene with fresh air and a chill just cool enough to fall in love in. I spoke a bit with his co-worker, apparently on he and his co-worker, Mark, were loyal to their girlfriends in the office. He was talking David up but it wasn’t anything I already knew. I eventually got sleepy and tired since it was 2 am and we called it a night and went back to Wind residences. Mark and his family lived in tower 3, whilst the condo we were renting for the weekend was at tower 4.

When we got home, we automatically went to bed and I crawled on top of him. We began kissing passionately and I started taking off my clothes and his. He stopped me when I tried inserting him inside. I told him I was ready but he pulled me off of him and kissed me. “No, Kat. Not like this.” I tried convincing him that I was in the right mind because I wasn’t too tipsy but he just lay me down kissed my forehead telling me “I don’t mind waiting whenever you’re ready” and I kissed him and reached down and said I was. Seeing as how it was futile, he let me do what I wanted and simply made sure that I wouldn’t go further than we already have. He finished me off with his hand and kissed me as I finished. I was moaning into his mouth and eventually grew tired. I always feel so spent when he finishes me off. It’s never felt this good before. I decided to return the favour and go down on him before we fell asleep.

I woke at around 5 am because my stomach was aching. I cried again, telling him that I was confused about things again, and as usual he embraced me until I calmed down. I started hyperventilating and crying into his chest because I felt like he deserved better than me, that he deserved someone normal. “What’s the fun in someone’s who’s normal. I love how weird you are, and whatever else about you that isn’t normal, I love.” I was too tired to say anything else so I fell asleep in his arms.

When we woke the next day, we did as we always did. I’ve spent more nights than I can count with him on the weekends where I’d pretend I need to do work for my organization and he’d pick me up from UPLB and bring me to his place. I’d always wake up to his cock pressing against my butt. I’d push my butt against it to wake him up completely and he’d begin dry humping me, then he’d reach his hand up my butt and under my shorts and always smile at how wet I was. He also loved going down on me. He’d always smile at me as he’d take off my underwear and kiss his way up my thighs.

We went to eat lunch at Kenny Rogers by the amusement park Sky Ranch. We kept laughing and I told him more stories of when I was in highschool as usual. One in particular was about the time when Maira, Kate, and I began slapping each other outside the classroom because of a dispute involving this book series that the two of them had read and were asking me to read.

Since we hadn’t eaten anything since the day before, we were definitely famished at this point. It was around 2: 30 in the afternoon when our meal finally arrived and we dug in like animals. Eventually David had a hankering for more rice so he went to 7eleven which was only 8 meters from the restaurant, to get extra rice at a cheaper price. As it happened, the waiter served me our sides and apologized for how late the order took. I thanked him anyway and said that it was perfectly alright since our main course was on time, when the waiter asked if David was my boyfriend. I smiled and said yes. “Oh…” he smiled back looking disappointed. When David came back I told him about what had happened and he chuckled and started bragging aloud “That’s right. MY girlfriend.”  

We went swimming later that day at the Wind Residences pool. There weren’t as much people and I was worried about the lightning in the distance, but eventually the sky cleared out. David didn’t know how to swim so I tried teaching him what I knew but he really wouldn’t have it. There was an old man smiling at us as I started competing with David on who could swim to the other side of the pool the fastest. Every time I beat him the old man chuckled.

As the day progressed, he began shivering since the wind had set in. The place was called wind residences for a reason. And more and more people started coming into the pool. The Philippines is the only place where people would rather swim at night than morning so as to avoid getting a tan. I wanted to go out whilst the sun was at its peak to get a nice tan before leaving for Canada on July 7.

As the pool started to get more and more crowded, David went to move our things from the bench on the far end closer to the other corner of the pool that we’ve decided to hold off. While he was away these 4 guys came into the pool with their abs and all. They all were looking at me and it was awfully intimidating. I was likely flattered that I would catch the attention of these four handsome men but then I worried that there may be another uncomfortable conversation where I’d have to politely reject someone again. One of them was approaching me when David came around the pool and put our things at the edge, closer to where we were.

When David got into the water I immediately held his hand and the other guy awkwardly glanced at us then backed away. Since he seemed to get the message I gently smiled then turned to face David. I began talking about the usual things with him when he noticed the other guys looking. He kept staring back at them and muttered to me sarcastically “Yeah, keep looking.” I told him to pay them no mind but he was certainly annoyed at how much this one guy kept looking back at me. I was worried they’d start a fight so whenever I knew the guy was looking I’d try to distract David by going closer to him or by telling him to spread his legs so I could swim under them. Eventually we had to go to the lavatory, so I asked David to go first so he could hand me the towel when he comes back so I can quickly hide my body. I’m not too confident about my stretch marks so I typically am very reluctant to go swimming even if I enjoy it. As I got out, it just so happened that the guy who was staring at me more than usual got into the pool. I hadn’t even noticed he left, and there was a moment of eye contact. He smiled at me, and I politely smiled back before making my way to the lavatory. I glanced back at him and saw him staring at my ass. I decided to pay it no mind. Once I had finished at the bathroom, I noticed how plump my butt looked and felt more confident. I suppose the exercises paid off a bit.

After wading for a bit more in the pool, we decided to go upstairs to shower and dry off. Once we were dry and did more stuff in the shower and later on on the bed before going out to buy dinner at the grocery close by. The entire time I would be texting my brother to be sure my parents weren’t around. When my brother texted us the whereabouts of my parents and that we were safe to go on, we quickly rushed to the Robinsons Supermarket a block from the condominium area.

We bought bacon and rice for dinner, and chips and ice cream for dessert. We disputed over what to eat and went back and forth to 7eleven multiple times, but even when we were debating on what to eat for dinner, I’ve never had more fun.

Earlier that day we had passed a couple on the way up to our room from the pool. He was an American, Californian judging by his accent, with blonde long hair along with a Filipina with dark skin, big boobs, and so on. The usual couple stereotype in the country is that Filipina bimbos typically go for the foreign man because they expect they have plenty money. More often than not, it is true because the Filipina doesn’t even speak a word of English and it’s more than obvious what they’re doing together. The moment we stepped off the elevator I whispered to David, “We both know what they’re going to be doing later.” Little did we know, we’d be doing the exact same thing.  

I mean, we’ve covered all the bases except the home run, since I was particular on saving it for marriage.  I was convinced I would never be ready til’ then and it would be more socially approved of in this culture. But so far since meeting David I found that plans fall in and out and sometimes the best things that happen were never really planned. Such a simple concept that’s been spit out as wisdom all over the internet, and yet you never really will know how true something is until it happens to you.

Once we got to our room, room 1119 on the 11th floor of tower 4, I kicked of my shoes, ditched the shorts, and started fixing up the place for dinner. David took out the pan and placed it on the electric stove and I began unwrapping the groceries. We plugged the electric stove in and it didn’t seem to be working. David decided to test if the outlet worked by plugging his phone in, and it didn’t. I went over to the circuit breaker to check which ones were off. Since the switch marked outlets was on I supposed it could have been a different sort of outlet, perhaps the electric stove was only meant for a voltage of 110, and since the outlets in this country are 220 it would be natural for a condominium unit that accommodates foreigners would have outlets that have a voltage of 110. Since cellular devices and laptops can adapt to either voltage I asked David to keep his phone plugged while I flipped the switched. Eventually his phone vibrated and indicated that it was charging, and I had found the switch. “I love how smart you are” David then kissed me before fixing the rest of the things we bought. I then realized we forgot to buy soda so I asked if David to go down to 7 eleven and buy some. He was embracing me from behind at this point, when he grabbed my butt firmly and kissed me before going out to get soda. I finished cooking the bacon and then fried a cup of rice for David. I set the table and placed his laptop on the table so we could watch whatever movie we’d decide on when he gets back, and for the mean time I left Community playing in the background as I started soaking the dishes so it would be easier to wash the next day.

When he got back, I directed him to the table and started setting more things on it like our dessert and the drinks when he embraced and kissed me, thanking me for dinner. We sat down and started watching Neighbors 2. When it got to the scene describing how sororities weren’t allowed to host parties but fraternities were forcing them to party with them and how fraternity parties are very sexist. I laughed at the scene when Zac Efron realized how sexist fraternity parties were and then apologized. But the whole movie was basically a satirical display of society. So David and I were laughing about how honest the movie actually was because it depicted actual issues in reality. Like how men in our generation do not mean to be sexist and only realize that they are when its pointed out, and how they have nothing to do but apologize for it even though it isn’t necessarily their fault: They were just born into that sort of culture also because women allow to be treated as such, especially women in the standard sorority. There was also a scene of where they mentioned the reality that when a man loses his virginity it is glorified whilst when a woman does it is looked down upon when out of the confines of marriage. I told David then that when my daughter loses hers, so long as she is above 18 and is fully aware of the process and is a responsible enough young woman, that we’d go celebrate. David said that since he’s the father it would be awkward for him but he’d be happy for her. And I concur that if my son were to lose it I can’t exactly celebrate with him either, but I’d be happy for him. We then changed the movie to Superbad. The movie was hilarious, and halfway through we moved to the bedroom where we ate ice cream and chips while cuddling in the dark. It was the perfect set up. It was essentially how I’d spend every night of my life if I could. When we finished eating sometimes we’d find ourselves kissing, softly at first then it quickly turns into a feverish and passionate kiss where he’d hold the small of my back pulling me closer to him. Often when we’d break out of the kiss I’d be disappointed since I’d expect more. There were other times where we’d break away from the kiss laughing because Jonah Hill’s character would say something awkward and funny like yelling pussy repeatedly.

Once the movie was over, it was nearing 2 in the morning. I started getting sleepy and I was surprised David was so awake, since he typically falls asleep before I do. I then remembered he had coffee while we were waiting for my brother to text me the whereabouts of my parents earlier. He wanted to watch another movie and I decided to stay up since I wouldn’t see him for 3 weeks when I’m in Canada.

He put on the movie Split and we cuddled again. Halfway through we began kissing again passionately, it was even more passionate than before because we were relaxed and it was well within the night with the moon high in the sky and the city mapped before us outside the full length windows of the bedroom. I carefully climbed on top of him as the temperature rose. As I pulled my loose shorts to the side I tried sliding him into me, when he stopped me and gently pushed me off of him. “What are you doing?” I kissed him again trying to signal to him that I was ready. He stopped me again. I was still on top of him when we went back to watching the movie. He noticed I was a tad unresponsive and he asked what was wrong. “It’s clear I want you more than you want me. It just upsets me is all.” He then sat quietly staring at the computer screen. He looked hurt and relatively catatonic. I asked him what was wrong. He didn’t responding. I then asked if it was something I did; he shook his head no. I asked if it was something I said and he gently nodded. Tears began forming in his eyes and a wave of compassion and guilt hit me and I tried questioning. “Isn’t it true?” He shook his head no. I realized how selfish I was being. I paused the movie, “I’m sorry. I’m getting confused again. Please tell me so I understand.” He buried his face into my shoulder. I could feel the tears seeping through my shirt when he went to explain, “I just don’t want you to get stressed out. I don’t want to hurt you.” My heart leapt out, and I held him tight. He gently pushed me off of him and sat at the edge of the bed staring out into the lights of the cars passing far below us in the distance. He was trying to compose himself when I crawled over to him and embraced him. He fell into my embrace with his whole body rested against mine as we sat in tangled in each other.

“This is the perfect place to live. I’d want to live here with you some day; where we could see out into the suburban city, what with the sun setting over the hills, and the trees covering a side of the road. You’re everything to me. You’re my lover, my friend: My partner. I know you love me, and I hope you know I love you.” We kissed again when he moved over me. He then sat against the duvet and finished the movie. Once it was over I climbed above him. We were kissing feverishly again when he stopped me. I told him “It’s okay.” He then looked me in the eye declaring “It’s not. The stress is obviously not good for you. You’ve been getting gastritis and crying a lot after I leave for work.” I kiss him again and tell him I wasn’t going to I even declared “Sunday, June 26, 2017, 4 am: I lose my virginity.” to prove that I was certain about this. We’d kiss and he’d tell me to stop, and I’d say I won’t get stressed afterwards and that I won’t regret it. Then he reminded me of the promise I asked of him, where I told him that no matter how much I begged for him that I would regret it the next day. He said he wasn’t going to break it; that he doesn’t break promises. To which I held his face gently in my hands, “I was wrong to make you promise that you would make sure that I stay a virgin until we get married. It isn’t your responsibility. I am responsible for myself and my actions as you are responsible for your own. I think I’m ready.” He then argues, “No, you’re not. You always say that and any time we go further you get stressed.” I then tell him “It’s okay it would be my own fault.” And he grabs my hands and firmly tells me “I don’t care. I don’t want you to do this to yourself. Your health is more important.” I looked him in the eyes and smiled. I held his hands. “Listen to me. I’m ready. I won’t regret this because I know that you love me and I love you. Even if I happen to regret it in the morning, which is unlikely, if you just tell me you love me, I will be alright.”

Once I said that, and he could see the certainty in my eyes, he kissed me. He put his arm around me and kissed me passionately. He hesitated and I looked him in the eyes again then I kissed him saying “I love you.” We kissed further and he held the back of my head in his right hand, controlling me. He pulled me in closer and deepened the kiss. I started tugging at my shorts when he slid his hands down to help me. I knelt up so it would be easier to remove and he kicked off his boxers. He held himself upright at my entrance as I carefully slid myself onto him. The sensation caused the hair on my body to stand on end and I threw my head back and closed my eyes to savour the sensation. It didn’t hurt as I expected, it fit perfectly. Considering that the first few weeks he’d only insert a finger, then 2, and now this – it felt so perfect. I moved my his forward and backward slowly and the sensation wouldn’t stop. My senses were all heightened, and he was my main focus. He tightened his hold on me and kissed at my neck. He whispered “I love you” into my ear as I picked up the pace. What with the thick curtains drawn and only the translucent curtains shielding the light from the moon and the calm city over us, the scene was gentle. He bucked up his hips to go further into me and I moaned louder. He often told me he loved the way I moaned, that it wasn’t actually loud, that it was breathy, sweet, and sensual; that it was angelic. As he held me tighter, closing the last few inched of our body together, I remembered him telling me that I was sacred to him. He was carefully looking at me, assisting my movements over him so I’d react more; and I remembered when I asked him once “Why do you always stare at me when you go down on me or finger me?” and he’d state matter-of-factly “Because I’m admiring you: Worshipping you.” I finished over him, and typically I try to control how much I finish because I often wet the bed but he always encourages me to. He whispers in a deep voice “Cum for me” over and over in my ear until I do. He then kisses me so as to collect my moans in his mouth. When he was closed he quickly carried me off of him. Instinctively, I took the towel from the side table which we typically use to wipe his cum off his stomach, my hands, or my back and lay it gently over his stomach anticipating where it would end up. Luckily I put the towel up and caught the streams that flew over. He spent himself and all I could think of was how badly I’d wish for that inside me, but of course we’re not ready for children just yet. He kissed me and I whispered with a smile, giggling at the thought “You took my virginity.” He smiled and told me he loved me, and I said it back. Even though he was finished, he wanted to finish me off a second time. He went over me and gently placed his fingers inside me. He kissed me as I started rubbing my clit. I began moaning into his neck as he watched me finish all over his hand. He smiled as he brought his hand up, separating his fingers it revealed my cum webbed from one finger to the other. He chuckled before kissing me again. I lay down facing away from the window with his left arm as a pillow and his right arm draped over my waist and tucked under me. The blanket was pulled up to our hips and we drifted asleep.

We woke at around 7 in the morning and made love again. This time more feverishly. He pulled me up so I was on all fours and gently slid inside me. Eventually I lay on my front because I was tied and he readjusted. He kissed my forehead before sliding back into me. He then started going deeper and harder at a reasonable pace and I swear someone would’ve heard us. He finished on my back and kissed my head. I was spent. He had made me finish countless times. He would always kiss my forehead whilst taking me from behind and I’d turn my head so our lips could meet over my shoulder. It always felt splendid with him.

I woke up happy. I didn’t feel as different as I’d expected. I felt the same. I felt like the exact same person except more confident. I felt like a woman and for once I didn’t take it to mean weak. I was sharing this revelation with him and I quickly picked up my phone to check if my parents needed me home yet, and I messaged Mica the update. She obviously freaked out and wanted to know more so I told her most of it. While so David went to pour me a bowl of cereal and brought it to me in bed. Since I was busy texting he’d just feed it to me so he could take a few bites himself. Eventually he finished the bowl and went to pour me another. I kissed him, we took a shower, then started watching Whiplash while waiting for my parents to reply and for check out time at 10: 30.

I arrived at home and my parents left 2 hours later. Once we were in the clear I snuck David into the house right under the nose of my worker and my sister. Eventually I told my sister and held her to the sibling code. I was convincing David to make love to me again but he was reluctant since we’ve only been pulling out and he didn’t want any pregnancy scares. Then I told him I was tired of having to convince him to make love to me and that maybe we shouldn’t make love at all if that were the case to which he held me. “It’s just that I don’t want you to not get what you want. I know you want to be an engineer and take further studies and so on, and I don’t want you to end up having a baby when you aren’t ready.” We’ve had this talk before, and I told him that I would never consider an abortion even if I wasn’t ready. I think of the child not as a mistake but as a gift. Maybe we’d made a mistake in terms of timing but the child itself would never be a mistake, I would love that child regardless. I didn’t want a pregnancy scare anymore either, even though he’s never really finished inside me. We don’t even put our fingers inside if cum had gone in contact with it. We also researched and found that precum is actually just to clear the urethra of urine for safe passage of sperm, and that precum would only contain sperm if the man had ejaculated before then and hadn’t urinated since, leaving residual sperm in the urethra that would mix with the precum. He’s always urinated before anything sexual. He’s very responsible which is one of the reasons why I love him, even when he gets swept by his urged he manages to still control at least where he finishes.

We ended up showering again because while he was waiting for my parents to leave he was stuck in his car and he got awfully sweaty. Since I was helping prepare lunch earlier I too was awfully warm. While we were in the shower and things were getting exciting again I ruined the moment with my clumsiness my accidentally dropping the bar of soap right over his fully erect penis. His face contorted and he looked in absolute pain and both he and I couldn’t help but laugh at how that moment turned out horribly. After he recovered we tried again but he was firm in not wanting another pregnancy scare. I cried for a bit at the overwhelming moment of it all and we embraced each other for a good half hour with the water pouring over our backs. We cleaned up and dried up before heading back upstairs to my room to finally finish watching Whiplash. We talked a bit more on the message behind the story, as usual before we started kissing again. I bargained only for his fingers but eventually he wanted more when I said to change positions from missionary to being bent over the bed. I was surprised he was lasting much longer and my legs were growing numb so I asked to be on top. I went over him and made sure every inch of him was deep within me, and once I was sure I moved my hips forward then backward and after a few moments he carried me off of him and came on my thigh.

The worker had left moments after we got out of the shower so it was safe for David to leave without anyone knowing. When he left I cried a bit more seeing as I was so tired and missed him dearly already but I got on with the chores. He called once he arrived home. I told him that since he had work the next day he needn’t call, that he could go right to bed. To which he said “No. That’s our thing. No matter how tired we are, we call each other and tell the other how our day went. It’s been that way for 6 months.” We fell asleep over the phone and that brings me to today.

[towhomever]

June 26, 2017

4:00 am

I lost my virginity.

Just an update

[towhomever]

Collateral Damage

I've just been informed that if we aren't lucky enough to enroll in certain general education courses in college, we'll have to go back to senior high to avail of said classes because they will no longer be available in a few years.

People of my year have already been set back from a number of issues such as changing teaching styles and curriculum to accomodate the incoming school system of K-12.

For those unaware, K-12 is a new school system that is being implemented in the Philippines in order to meet the education requirement to be a part of ASEAN (Association of South East Asian Nations). Since public schools in this country typically offer up until grade 10 (the equivalent of sophomore highschool in Western countries) most highschool graduates are 15 or 16 years old. So they added 2 more years to the schooling systems hence K, Kindergarten, to 12, grade 12.  

My alma mater is De La Salle University - Science and Technology Complex Integrated School. This school was one of the rare private institutions that offered up until Grade 11 before the change in school systems. My batch was the last batch to graduate with the old system, all of us graduating at grade 11.

Entering the University of the Philippines, I was one of the few people who were 17 and a freshman. Since most of my classmates came from public institutions that only offered until 10th grade, plenty were 16 or below.

Since I wasn't able to take the removal exam for my first Math class I was delayed a semester. They say they provide special examinations, but apparently not all the time. So what with the system not following its own rules and much less not properly promulgating it to the students (There is only one handbook of the University's guidelines available at the student Union building. They do not provide for all the students because it would be far too costly, and yet there's billions of pesos dedicated to this University). Not to mention the classes are improbably to pass. Every Math class, be it Algebra, Trigonometry, or Calculus has a 50% failing rate. True, those that pass are good, and the standard of the Mathematics examinations in this University are at par with that of Harvard and Oxford; However, the teaching clearly isn't since only half the class could pass.

It is horribly difficult to graduate on time in this University and having caught wind of this new condition in place where we'd have to go back to Senior high, take a full year off to take say one general education class that they no longer offer in college, and waste another year of my life away? This University has wasted enough of my time as it is what with the horrible online registration system that apparently cost 40 million pesos and yet it crashed several times during registration and caused half the population of the University to be underloaded for a semester.

I don't want to assume that there is politics in play here, that perhaps they purposely used such a system in order to hold back a few students so they could produce a certain number of graduates the next coming years (Because of the k-12 program there won't be many freshmen for the next 2 years, this year there were only 30) , but taking into consideration that our government is rendered the most corrupt in the world as of 2015 there's a chance that politics has plenty to do with it.

This country has so much work to do, and as much I admire the change it's trying to provide, our current situation isn't any better. What with the extrajudicial killings that our current President is committing due to the drug war, suffice to say our country is in the midst of such change. The change isn't necessarily good, and plenty have assumed that the drug war and extrajudicial killings is all a ruse to control our overpopulated main cities, specifically Manila. Many crimes are committed in Metro Manila, and analysts say this is a mean to reduce the population in Manila to the proper amount. Metro Manila is the most overpopulated city in the South-East Asian Nations, what with 12.8 million people living in 619.5 square kilometers of land provides a population density of 337 person per square kilometer. These extrajudicial killings were deemed necessary also because a normal trial takes 7 years to complete on average.

All this muck, this mess,

All this change...

For the bigger picture, For the betterment of the economy and in turn the country are at what cost?

Students being set back. An unjust system. People dying. Losing your right to proper trial. Losing your right to live.

There will always be collateral damage amidst change. But this... This "Collateral  damage" is not just.

A recent film that took the nation by storm, General Luna so said

“Bayan o sarili?  Mamili ka.” Loosely translate to: 

“Your country or yourself? You choose.”

To which I say, What is necessary or what is just? You choose.

[towhomever]

The lift on the ban of human- animal hybrids, is for furthering our understanding of human development. The ethics of these procedures and experiments are hardly out of bounds. Given the law and natural born human right, these experiments are not virtually human. There's always been a price for the betterment of the scientific community, so long as it is legal and is well within the proper partition for investment then by all means: Test, learn, discover, create!

[towhomever]

June 8, 2017

2:02 am

My mother just started yelling at me for my laundry being on the floor at 2 in the goddamned morning. This drawn out into a long argument that circles her sexist notion of “The cleanliness of the house reflects the mother and not the rest of the people living in the household” and how I as a woman am not doing my part. Here are a few points

1.       I spent the whole FUCKING afternoon cleaning out my room, segregating my trash into one large bin for disposable and recyclable as per their recommendations since I’ve got this habit of throwing out reusable material.

Earlier today, the house was clean and now the carpets are ridden with the thing I brought in from the dorm last night. Initially they were placed on the table outside. Which leads me to point number 2 as to why there was a mess today…

2.       THERE WAS A FUCKING TORNADO JUST OUTSIDE OUR FUCKING HOUSE EARLIER THIS FUCKING AFTERNOON. But I digress…

Then she asks “Well why didn’t you put it out after the tornado?”

3.       THE ENTIRE FUCKING OUTSIDE IS WET. WHERE THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT MY LAUNDRY IN THE FUCKING MEAN TIME? I CAN’T HANG IT OUT TO DRY AT 2 IN THE FUCKING MORNING, CAN I?

“I’m just asking you to wake up early because I have to work in the afternoon.” – 2 points for this one

4.       I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING TODAY BECAUSE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO DO SHIT.

5.       WE DIDN’T.

“Your shoes were downstairs. Stop using the living room like your room.”

6.       It’s called a LIVING ROOM. The shoes were under the ironing board next to Dad’s shoes.

“Exactly! I’m tired of picking up after your dad, your brother, you sister…I don’t want to have to pick up after you too.”

7.       I thought it was a good place to put your shoes seeing as your shoes were there as well. So apparently we aren’t allowed to have shoes on the ready in the living room just in case.

8.       There are no guests today or tomorrow. NO ONE IS COMING OVER. Why is it okay for an ironing board to be out but not shoes that are neatly lined up against the wall, or by the edge of the staircase?

9.       You can pick up after everyone else but not me? My, aren’t I special! You think you can yell at me just because you don’t have the guts to stand up to dad because you have this crazy notion that he’s the boss, and you can’t get Matthew to do anything because he’s an incompetent asshole, and Natalie is apparently too young because at the baby age of FUCKING 12 she can’t pick up after her own shoes.

“I can’t find my slippers!”

10.   And that’s my fault, how?

“It’s not your fault. It’s SOMEONE’S FAULT.”

11.   So you’re taking it out on me?

“No. I just want you to do your part as a woman.”

12.   So only women can clean? Because I’m a woman I have to be extra clean. I’m a horrible woman for not always nit-picking at every little piece of flint? I’m a poor excuse for a woman?

This all takes me back to the time when Matthew stole something from my room. I told my parents about it, and they reprimanded me for not locking my room. Saying that I should be more guarded…Like I’m not fucking guarded enough! So they’re saying I should be guarded in my own fucking home! Well, how splendid!

Your brother molested you, urinates ON the toilet seat, goes around in just underwear, and steals your shit. Well you should’ve been more careful!

Like that time when I was 12 and changing, and my brother got he and his friends to peak at me. And when my dad saw what they were doing, he moved them aside, went directly to me and hit me telling me I should’ve locked the fucking door. That I’m a fucking whore for changing upstairs, in the bathroom with the door closed at 12, to have fucking locked it. He didn’t get mad at the boys. Nope, because they’re allowed to be perverts and assholes because they have penises-

Great.

Fucking great.

  On the plus side of things

Ø  David and I are going strong

Ø  I am now the minister of publicity and public relations at UPMUN

Ø  I passed all my subjects this semester and garnered a 1.75 in ENSC 10a – Drafting, and ENG 2  - College Reading into writing

Ø  I’m friends with most of my organization mates

Ø  Ate Ernestine and I will have our book selling in National Bookstore possibly by the end of this year

[towhomever]

March 10, 2017

6:35 pm

So primary updates:

1.       I’m a member of the UP Model United Nations Organization now

The process was much kinder than the usual process to become a member of an org where they haze you and put you through hell to become a member; basically the equivalent of a Fraternity or Sorority but with both co-ed. Ironic that they’re supposedly “academic” and have final evaluations be strip or quit, at least with this it was all professional.

My final was the Southern Luzon Model United Nations Conference where I met Eman Kazemi, a friend of Tim’s from LaSalle University. He was very charismatic but obviously aloof in a sense. The first night we went drinking, just us two, had a few tequila shots and it was fun up until the point we were walking around campus and he tried to kiss me. He walked me back to my door and asked for a kiss on the cheek which I obliged and then later confessed to David, which brings us to the next point of inquiry.

2.       David’s my boyfriend

Long story short he visited me on Valentine’s Day. I was touched and wanted to cuddle in his car. I led most of what happened and other than loneliness, hormones, and the fact that he was attractive and so nice to not have made a move on me or even expected anything more than cuddling; I wanted to get some (hahahaha). Well it got emotional because as anyone knows me – I can’t take physical intimacy without emotional intimacy which led me to ask David if he had ever said “I love you” to anyone before. He said never, he’s had sex before but never really been in a relationship, to which I followed if he’d ever say it to me- then he said it right there. So yeah, real healthy huh? Nonetheless he visited me again and drove me to his apartment in Bonifacio Global City and I spent the night. Nothing much happened but we did get to third base, which made me uncomfortable and regretful and paranoid, and all that and so yeah essentially – he’s a great guy with proper values and is definitely a keeper.

Going back to the SLMUNC,

I also met Rafael Ravolo, a batchmate of a couple of my friends in LaSalle Taft, and of my friends here in UP who came from LaSalle Green hills. Essentially anyone from LaSalle, whatever campus, knew how to interact with one another. So if you remember Gaston (who also asked me out recently when he and his girlfriend were trying an open relationship thing, but that didn’t push through because she caved and got jealous and so Gaston and I are back to being bros), he knows Rafael and Gabz. Gabz Puthenpurekal (He’s half indian) Gabz is my orgmate here in UP but he came from LaSalle Greenhills as well. Anyway, so Raf and I got along on the second day, started talking about Star wars, Star Trek, and Lord of the Rings and I used my knowing how to write in elvish as the ultimate pick up line. He asked for my number before the event officially ended. I gave it and he also found me on Facebook and we’ve been chatting here and there. David’s not the jealous type, which is great since I have a lot of guy friends, and he doesn’t mind any of my friends. Of course he hates Eman because I told Eman beforehand that I was kind of taken and even then he tried to kiss me so I told him “no” and that I was more or less taken, and he did so yeah…

Side note: I main submitted a resolution for the Human Rights Committee and it was presented to the Plenary and it was passed. Eman and I hung out a bit more and he said that the girl next to him told him that I had such an angelic voice while I was speaking at the podium. Usual flattery ensues- He’s quite good at that. Even when we were drinking he was impressed with everything I did. He was impressed when I started speaking random Spanish phrases that are commonly used by Dad.

So yeah the past 2 weeks have been super fun and stressful, and last night I attended the first general meeting of the org since the Conference last weekend. Gabz and I get along really well so we were talking most of the time, which got awkward when Caleb came around because he said he shipped up. (Caleb was one of the members I reported to while applying for the org. now when reporting they write a message at the back of a page in this notebook you’re supposed to have in order for 24 members to write on, and the message he wrote “I like you” and the rest of the org knows and they’re kind of teasing him about it- To explain further, when I reported to him, he didn’t ask about the country I was assigned for the conference or the usual questions- he asked personal and invasive questions. At the end of the report he said I could ask him the same, to which I did and he found funny and twice as invasive. So yeah long story short, the org is teasing me with Gabz and me with Caleb, and JM (the girl who was the chair for the Human Rights Committee) is teasing me with the delegate of Venezuela: Rafael Ravalo. She ships Raf and I the most because she saw us have lunch on the second day and Venezuela and I have been flirting on the group chat as well for “fan service.” I posted a photo of us on facebook and everyone liked it, all his friends were commenting things like “You may not have won best speaker, but you’re definitely the winner!” in reference to me. Another long story short, everyone in our committee found us cute together so yeah. David knows and doesn’t mind, well frankly because he knows how emotionally invested I am in him because I cried when I went out with Rod.

So this is one huge mess of a story let’s try cleaning it up…

1.       David and I got together on Valentines

2.       I applied for the UP Model United Nations

a.       My batchmate for application dropped out and I became the first ever solo applicant

b.       I reported to 13 members at the end of the first week of the application  (One of them being Caleb)

3.       Gaston asked me out

4.       Matt Sy Beng called and started saying “I love you” and the like.

5.       David picked me up from UP and drove me to BGC on Saturday. I spent Saturday night at his place.

6.       The second week of my process to become a member of the UPMUN, I reported to the rest of the members and started “interning” for the Ministry of Publication

7.       Mikey (my brother’s friend from freshman year college who I had not seen in a while) asked if I could hang out with him the next week with a bunch of friends and so I met an old guy named Bart, and another batchmate of Mikey and my brother’s: Rod. So I drank with them, and I brought Ervin along

8.       Ervin finally told me he had feelings for me, which he’s been hitting at since earlier.

9.       I went out with Rod one night when I ran into him. We got a few beers but I felt so guilty because I was attracted to him and told David about it. David was upset because he could tell I was attracted and I spent the rest of the night apologizing.

10.   The SLMUNC conference

a.       The first night: I drank with Eman and walked around UPLB at 12 in the evening then he tried to kiss me.

b.       The second day: I talked mostly to Venezuela and our entire committee began shipping us.

11.   The first Org meeting where I was involved and I hung mostly with Gabz and it was kind of awkward around Caleb. Gabz told me that the delegates of Bangladesh were talking about me in the Men’s washroom and how I had a beautiful voice. (oh yeah within our committee, I was voted best dressed and most beautiful)

Which brings us to today-

David is on his was to UPLB as we speak and this time I’m gonna spend tonight and Saturday night at his place in BGC. My parents don’t know about how close David and I are but I told some others.

[towhomever]

February 10, 2017

5:35 pm

It’s Kate’s birthday today. I greeted her online. Sent a video of Boris falling asleep in the library, woke him up to ask him to say happy birthday to her at 12:00 pm here, 12:00am there (Not factoring in their daylight savings) on the dot.

Currently in the school service (LaSalle’s) on the way home- Boris dropped me off here from LB. We got to talk to sir Moi for a bit before he had to leave. We ate lunch at the canteen in the college building since we weren’t allowed in the integrated school building for obvious reasons. We were reminiscing along the way. Talked to a couple of people we ran into- the new literary editor of La Nouvelle spotted me and hugged me. Charles and his gang were nowhere to be found which is a shame because often times I visit they would hoard around me as though I were Jesus coming back from the dead. The collective group hug and them calling me senpai is flattering enough as it is.

It’s been 2 years since I graduated. Today is the 2 year anniversary of our senior prom. A lot has happened since then. A lot I never would’ve anticipated. Sorry for the nostalgia, but it’s nice to see that I’m getting along with myself- finally. It took me 2 years to more or less adjust to the circumstances in UP. I feel much too old. And this is going to be a laugh to look back on because I’m certain the years will keep on coming and I will never feel young for the years to come. I suppose I could relish in the fact that I’m still in University and a student technically, but University is already higher education so in a sense ---

I’m not going to overthink it. The point is, I remember what I felt like being here. What it felt like being with Lean before. It begs me to compare what my past relationships have been and what I’m currently doing now to so much as fill the void. It’s as though I were using David. I don’t feel like I am but I beg to question if that isn’t my hidden motive. For my sake and especially his I hope I aren’t. He himself admits he’s not a very exciting person so he wonders why I’d ever be interested. If I carried on the same standards and nit-pickiness that I had in highschool towards general human relationships I would wonder why I’m with him as well. It isn’t that he’s not a good enough person to hang around, it’s that there were too many people to choose from before that my introversion drove me to choose only the best of the best.  I suppose I’ve learned to appreciate the simple sorts of people, but ever so often I miss the character. I miss all the character LaSalle had. UP students are by far the most academically inclined and intelligent people I’ve ever encountered – but that seems to be the only bit of their character that they take pride in.

Well I’m beginning to sound redundant. Point is – all these people – in the end you’d rather have someone with character than someone with just intelligence. (Speaking in terms of human interaction here)

[towhomever]

January 31, 2017

4:40 pm

Matt and I haven’t been speaking. Our friendship more of less hit the rocks when I started talking to David more often. I don’t want to bother with the nitty gritty but basically I couldn’t take the on again off again nature of our relationship. It was reminiscent of Rachel and Ross in F.R.I.E.N.D.S which I found irritating. It’s a classic mistake people often make and I didn’t want to have to learn from experience before I decide to just end whatever was going on.

But I’m still as lonely as they come. Of course I have my distractions, and sad to say I feel as though I were using David. I’m not necessarily not attracted to him (that double negative though: Softens the blow), but it feels as though I couldn’t find anyone else here in UP- which is morbidly true. There are very few people whose company I enjoy, and much like in 6th grade I find myself avoiding people. Of course there are those I small talk with, and those that keep my time occupied but none that truly stop me from feeling lonely. I believe I’ve detached myself from loving people. I care for them externally but I’m not sure if I trust them completely. It’s become more and more difficult, because taking stabs in the dark looking for the basic good in people aren’t the best idea to reinforce your trust issues. And it’s not like any of my existing friends can do much about this issue since I’ve found that people hurt you even when they don’t mean to. I find that more terrifying than ever. I used to think anyone I was hurt by, maliciously intended to do so- but after Matt (both my brother and my friend) I now see that people can hurt you even if they think they’re doing the best for you or simply because they’re far too selfish to think of what the collateral damage may be.

Which means you can’t fully trust even the people that do love you. So my dilemma being that I’m far too sensitive to trust people, but because of that very sensitivity do I feel incredibly lonesome. Most of my childhood I spent feeling incredibly lonesome, most of my teenage years I spent trying to trust, and now that University is here: I’m forced into feeling lonesome because my sensibilities are far too naïve to handle a normal human relationship.

I am a child. I’m not sure if I could ever grow past that. This helplessness I harbour is difficult to assuage. Once again I am stuck not knowing what to do, and I hope to find some sort of resolve to all of this.

Relatively heavy stuff aside, my professor paid kudos to my answer to the assignment last week: We had to read an article that spoke about what makes a community scientifically literate. Specifically, it was concerning whether or not the Philippine community is scientifically literate. Naturally, my answer was no. To be exact, it was this:  

“Filipinos, factoring the number of those educated, are not scientifically literate. Also as indicated in the article, being scientifically literate isn’t only a matter of being educated but a way of thinking. Filipinos, much like the Americans, choose to disregard facts due to the strong belief system and blind trust in authority. To question, to be analytic and critical is the essence of being a scientist, attributes which many Filipinos lack. There are numerous superstitions stretching across this campus alone, such as Mariang Banga and all the other ghost/folk tales that the students take to heart. Not to mention that even those in Science courses aren’t even familiar with the Theory of Relativity or supposed common knowledge concepts in the scientific community is baffling. Some of the students haven’t even set foot in a well-stocked laboratory with functioning equipment. But again, as mentioned in the article, money isn’t necessarily the solution to a scientifically literate community. Even if there were enough funds, Filipinos are far too traditional. True, customs and beliefs are part of our culture and culture is a very important aspect of human life; nonetheless, in order for a country to be progressive – or in our case to solve problems such as over-population- the community must become scientifically literate. And given that the supposed scholars of this country believe that taking a picture next to a statue of a naked man will have any effect on whether they graduate on time or not without having any evidence to support such a claim or any logical basis to back it up, how is the rest of the country that doesn’t even have access to proper education going to be any more scientifically literate?”

The professor then asked if I could take a photo with the Oblation statue by the Humanities building to challenge my way of thinking, so I did. After telling this to Ervin and Gaston, they tell me that I had offended him so I sent an apology. Ervin said the only thing that was out of line was how I described the Oblation statue.

“Sir, I reread my comment and I’d like to apologize if my oversimplification of the oblation statue had been in any way too demeaning of the true idea behind the oblation. I understand that it is a symbol of offering oneself for the country. I meant for my comment to have a comical edge and realize it may have been insulting, and for that I sincerely apologize.”

I wasn’t able to see his reply before our lecture class where he mentioned my name and challenged the rest of the class to take a picture with the statue just the same to signify that you do not allow superstition to control your actions.

So that was NASC 5: Environmental biology. When I told Ervin and Boris that he wasn’t mad and that I now had a good reputation with that prof, he made a snide comment how every professor likes me. Boris and Ervin have been teasing and hinting that my wiles are what help with my academic standing. So when Ervin scoffed and said “Every professor likes you,” I shrugged and said “I don’t know- I remember one professor who liked you a whole lot more than he liked me.” Boris began coughing and spitting out his coffee in laughter because of my reference to Prof. Tablazon (The prof. who came onto Ervin last last semester)

[towhomever]

January 12, 2017

5:20 pm

So I went on Tinder to delete my old account since things crapped out with Devon and it obviously didn’t seem like a healthy thing to be on, but then something caught my eye. I got a couple of new matches, but there was on in particular that stood out: A 21 year old man named Daniel. I swear I’d seen him before. I had an inkling, but to be sure I looked at his other pictures and there he was…

Devon standing next to Daniel- and it clicked…Holy fucking shit it’s his brother. Midst my freaking out I messaged Daniel immediately that I had to tell him something. Whilst waiting for his reply I was messaging a guy named David and found some other people to chat with and I got pulled in again. Daniel hasn’t replied, I’m just waiting for what would happen with this before actually deleting my account.