towhomevertowhatver-blog - Tumblr blog

[towhomevertowhatver-blog]

9/9/2019

Growing up to a single parent whos indeprendent and a strong willed person .. i always told you i that when i grew up i wanted to be like you.. youve always told me to be better and to do better things. The thing about having a single parent is that when we argue theres a dead end for me the feeling of “ im losing the only parent i have “ cicles my head and its an empty feeling.. regardless ive always been alone. Although i cant run to my father to seek conversation or guidence i was always able to run to you. But weve been arguing alot .. im trying here and you cant see it im tierd. i asked you for help,, you told me i could come to you with anything why is it when i need help with school things you tell me i need to figure it out, just because thats what you had to do .. my mind is in shambles and i cant figure out how to unwind all the mess thats in my head . ive only had you and latley you seem distant latley everything i do well isnt quite good enough. i dont make sense but this isnt for anyone but me. i love you and i cant wait for you to see that im actually trying to be great. youre supposed to be my mom youre supposed to share the knowledge you have with me , you had no one to be there.. and you want me to figure shit out for myself ?  i dont know but if i were to be a mother i know that i would wanna help my kid with what she doesnt know .. i dont know how half of these things work.. you do no? you know.. you always tell me “ learning from others mistakes is better than going through the hurt youself” tell me what was your process.. im young my asperations arent to be a hairstylest or a cna or a construction worker... why wont you listen to me .. why wont you listen to the words coming out of my mouth... i understand ive always understood. At age 5 i knew you werent happy with my father i knew that the reason you sat in a closet isolated wasnt because you were sick.. i also understood at age 10 when the daddy and daugher danced passed by and i was so excited because my dad was supposed to come a share this one moment with me.. remember how he didnt come ? and how it broke my heart into a million pieces and thats when i felt my first heart break my and not the biginning of more dissapointments. Or how i saved a ticekt for him my 8th grade graduation and how i kept looking at the stands just in case he came late because he had a tendency to run late all the time.. you saw how torn that had me ,, i wasnt crying because i was sad to say bye to my friends but because my father didnt have the balls to call me and tell me he wasnt going to make it. i understood that i had to keep my good heart because i knew thats something that i had that he didnt.. i cant go a time in peace where im not being compared to him by my looks or my corks... “ what you try to get rid of in your house always seems to come back “ that being me.. im sorry but please help me understand you , please help be understand a way to talk to you..