toxicinfluence

[toxicinfluence]

*staring sternly into the mirror* you've had a wild week, you haven't eaten today, you've barely interacted with people today. do not trust the Vague Sense of Unease

[toxicinfluence]

one of the most annoying feelings in ADHD is the can't-get-started-with-anything feeling. like, your ADHD is screaming you have to do something. you can't just rest, resting isn't a thing. even if you are resting, it's by doing something.

but nothing works. you try to watch something, it's not right. you can't. read? can't read right now play? nah none of these games seem fun make something? ehh, you're not feeling any of these projects right now social media? it's boring or worse right now, so... find something else it's like you're not moving but it's because you're too tense to do anything, just vibrating in place

[toxicinfluence]

fuuuuck i just realized that the future idealized version of myself cant exist without current me being the catalyst for change and doing hard things. has anybody heard about this

[toxicinfluence]

[toxicinfluence]

love when a mother asks if they have ever done anything to hurt you. ma'am, you will literally never be ready to have this conversation

[toxicinfluence]

Everyone warns you agaist going to the supermarket hungry, but nobody tells you about the dangers of going there too full: I do not want any of these things, for I will never require any food at all!

[toxicinfluence]

I mean surely we all grew up feeling like there was a wrongness inherently deep inside us that will endure for the rest of our lives

[toxicinfluence]

is anyone else unbearably scared

[toxicinfluence]

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[toxicinfluence]

the great news is that if there's ever anything you want to stop doing then not doing something is the easiest thing in the world, it's a non action, it's literally doing nothing instead of doing something. the terrible news is that it's actually ten billion times more complicated than that and it takes anywhere between forty to eighty thousand somethings to accomplish one nothing. it's as simple as just not doing something and it's as impossible as remaining completely still on a constantly revolving planet. sick and twisted.

[toxicinfluence]

[toxicinfluence]

They don’t tell you this but physical health affects your mental health. But like. Subconsciously sometimes. The opposite of psychosomatic symptoms, your mental health tanks because your body is struggling in ways you have yet to notice. There have been multiple periods where I’ve been like “I’m so depressed right now and I’m not sure why, nothing in my life has changed and I’m on the same medications.” only to find out I was in a UC flareup or had a serious infection. The pathology results have made me pretty sure that’s what is going on now. But like, your body hits the distress button in any way it can. Which is why doctors immediately dismissing your symptoms if you have anxiety or depression is so ass, sometimes you’re extra depressed and anxious because something is wrong with you.

[toxicinfluence]

[toxicinfluence]

[toxicinfluence]

[toxicinfluence]

sorry i can’t go out tonight i’m at home sitting down

[toxicinfluence]

The combination of 'unnervingly flawless self-control' with 'occasional tendency to engage in reckless, dangerous, and borderline self-destructive or death-seeking behaviour' in a character is SUCH catnip to me