tramgender

[tramgender]

18/2/19

Anyway my goal for right now is to somehow get my pale eyebrows to be darker. I have dark head hair so it’s unfair my eyebrows are so pale. I’m going to look into make-up but I’ve literally never worn make-up in my life so I don’t fucking know shit 

I have a home-grown shitty mustache that’s hearteningly dark but it could always be darker. 

Progress!

[tramgender]

18/2/19

Being a lesbian was the safe option because it meant that I could still ‘be’ lgbt without having to come out? If you understand what I mean. Despite dressing masc, there was no need to debrief everyone I know irl on What I am. You can just BE a cis lgb person. 

I can’t just BE a trans person. I have to tell everyone, I have to go to a therapist (there is one whole gender clinic that can prescribe hrt in my country btw). I have to speak to officials, professors, everyone. And I am a coward, I can’t do that. My pure-O symptoms are so bad that they were consistently mistaken for psychosis, I have horrific paranoia/ocd about telling people even basic facts about myself. I don’t want to be associated with anything in someone’s mind - if someone thinks I like a certain animal for example and they give me a calendar featuring that animal for xmas I get stomach-churning paranoia about it. 

i could talk to a therapist and get on T and everything would be Great but I live with my parents and they would notice. 

I want to move across the globe (maybe to America for that planned parenthood informed consent hrt..... the dream) and never see anyone ever again and just BE trans

[tramgender]

18/2/19

I spent 4 years seeing myself fully as an aroace nb lesbian. I was convinced. Every time I thought of a man I was seriously put off (unless they looked like this or that, and only if I could top them...). I don’t like men. But I am attracted to them. Part of the reason I clung so hard to the lesbian label despite it being ill-fitting (to the point, I reiterate, where I was convinced it was true.) is because I knew I belonged in the lgbt community somehow. That was the truth. 

But. Subconsciously, I felt that if a non-passing, pre-everything, deeply closeted trans masc likes men, then that is Just Another Straight Girl (this was a belief I only held about myself lol I had absolutely no problem seeing closeted gay trans men as gay men). I was resistant to being called straight for liking men. It was this that made me start questioning my gender again lmao - my “I do like men but only if I’m one of them”. 

As a ‘woman’, the only safe option is being with another woman - which was something I never really wanted? I mean I talked big game about hot butches and I was attracted to them but it wasn’t really the same. All of the nsfw content I ended up enjoying was about men and unaligned nonbinary people (I am a writer and for literally ten years, nearly all of my ‘comfort characters/self inserts’ have been nonbinary and definitely not fem-aligned. 

It’s still confusing. The gender I perceive myself having kind of dictates who I am attracted to. If I see myself as a butch lesbian, I like girls. If I’m male-aligned I like men. Androgyny is the ideal. Long hair & androgynous looks are gr8. I want to rail young tom cruise. Normal stuff. I’ve never dated anyone because of gender confusion in general (and disinterest in dating due to depression etc) so I don’t even know what it’s all about in practice (though I do never ever want to bottom for anyone. So there’s that)

Ultimately I think I’m a bi man with a preference for men. Maybe gay. Definitely not lesbian. But until I come out or transition in some meaningful way (aka: until I pass) I can not be with a cis man ever. Maybe a trans man or nb masc person? But being seen as a straight couple would crush me. I don’t know what I want, really. I feel like I should have gotten over this years ago. 

[tramgender]

Hey its ya boy let’s talk about me for a second so everyone knows what is up

This is a blog for me to document stuff, mostly for my own benefit. I am a bi masc creature (binary? nonbinary? who knows) with no name right now but that may change. It is a mystery.  

timeline under the cut

Timeline (I won’t go into events before I knew what trans was because it’s mostly the usual “I always felt like I was a boy/I was a tomboy/etc”). Throughout all of this, I have very bad social and body hair/face/voice/hip dysphoria, but not much in the way of chest or bottom dysphoria (however I do have a small chest and wear no bra and lots of baggy clothes so it’s unnoticeable. On rare occasions where I’ve had to wear tight clothing, I do get chest dysphoria so it’s a case of out of sight out of mind I suppose). I’m cool with never getting top surgery but I do very much want to be on T. I want a face that reads masculine enough so that I can have long hair again. 

2011, I’m 16. I frequent a lot of ‘cringe’ style websites focused mainly on tearing down bad YA literature. (They used to call it ‘sporking’). One of the members of a forum was a trans man, and in his signature he linked a forum I don’t really remember the name of - Somebody’s Playground? Basically a forum for transgender people. It was the first time I had ever heard of the concept whatsoever and I was elated, reading the FtM board was honestly a phenomenal experience. I never registered, only lurked. In hindsight the board wasn’t amazingly progressive, most of the posts were ‘do I pass’ and people deriding any hint of agab they could find. Nothing about nb people. 

2011 still but I’m 17 now. I cut my hair short for the first time (it was waist-length before) and I feel great. Our school puts on a musical and I’m invited to the afterparty, and I go on a sleepover at a friend’s house (she lived near the venue). Since cutting my hair short, my friends had been jokingly calling me ‘Mark’ and implying that I’m the boyfriend of one of them (?? I still don’t know why they did this. But I loved it). My brother lent me a jacket for the afterparty. I had a great time and when we went back to my friend’s house, we hung out in the playground outside. I told them I thought I was transgender. The response was “No you aren’t” and “You spend too much time on the internet”. They never joke about me being a boy again, instead they start telling me to shave and that I’m a grown woman now so I had to do it.

2011-2013, I move to another school and leave those friends. I was absolutely crushed by how they had treated me and although they seemed to forget about that night, I never did. I don’t come out to anyone but I live internally as a man, mentally referring to myself with he/him pronouns etc. I was horribly depressed. 

2013 - 2015, college. I started to really participate in lgbt tumblr spaces. I was pro-everything, until following some not so great people led me down the path of “why would anyone choose to be an oppressor (aka a man)” (these people were also trans, they weren’t terfs). I was still, of course, horribly depressed. So I internalised it and started calling myself fully NB instead to avoid the baggage of being a man. I said some extremely nasty things about trans men. At my college, there was an open trans man student rep who I saw often and I was debilitatingly jealous of him. Eventually my undiagnosed ADHD, OCD and depression forced me to drop out of college. 

2015 -2018. I move home and basically stew. I start reading texts about butches, I read Stone Butch Blues and I’m convinced that I am a butch lesbian. It’s a safe option and I take a lot of pride in it, I follow a lot of ex-transmasc lesbians (never terfs, but a lot of butches who detransitioned). 

2019. I am open & honest with myself for the first time in 6 years. Yeehaw. But I’ve missed out on a lot of experiences and opportunities, and I’m still mentally ill (though I am now being treated). Everything kinda sucks but I might be starting college soon. 

And now. I’m going to start to self-improve. I’m going to find an exercise routine and work out and try to pass more. I don’t know if I’ll ever come out to anyone irl. I’m taking my meds again (starting tomorrow). So let’s go.