Last Seen Blogs
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who do i bother typing letter after letter into my notes app just to not send any of them anyways
its not like i would get a reply anyways right
but i know that i keep writing them anyways because i keep hoping that maybe it would change something, no matter how small the chance
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please message me, tell me youre sorry, tell me you do care and did, that what you said wasnt how you truly feel
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its as if life itself was spitting in m face, how the fuck did i not die from 100 ibruprofen why just why was i still alive when the ambulance came almost 24 hours later
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you literally ruined my life and i have no live with the lifelong consequences while you pretend like nothing fucking happened
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if nothing ever meant anything to you then FUCK YOU
if it was all just lies and a game to you from the start then F U C K Y O U
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my pretty girl
my gorgeous girl
youre so so beautiful
i love your smile
i love your eyes
youre drop desd gorgeous
i love you so much
lies
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you knew my entire life story. you knew all the trauma and the pain, the abandonment, my biggest fears. you took advantage of it. you met me when i was vulnerable. became my therapist. i trusted you. it just clicked from the very first moment. which it never does for me, with anyone. we grew really close. learned more and more about esch other throughout time. i should have seen new years as the biggest warning sign of them all. intentionally playing with my feeligs. just for fun. hurting me. just for fun. just seeing how far you could go. not because you actually wanted to, bit just for fun. i forgave. ypu betrayed my trust really badly and my trust in you was higher than in anyone else, but i forgave you. and after meeting on my birthday, the love bombing started. i didnt even realize it. i was oblivious to it. this is how its supposed to be, no? i shouldve payed closer attention to the weeks afterwards. how your entire behavior changed. i shouldve payed more attention to the details over time when we were friends. having had a phase where you play with girls feelings for fun for your own amusement just to drop them afterwards. but that was long in the past right? i mean, you promised that, and your promises hold value, right? i was a delusional little puppy following along anything. wouldve done anything for you, wouldve done anything you asked for. didnt ask for anything back in return. busy? oh yea, i get that, your days are packed. energy‘s low. busy again? no problem, i told you, no need to feel bad about it!!
„theres gonna be more time from now on“
im so happy, so excited
„sorry i dont really feel like doing anything today, im too mentally drained“
„oh okay, no problem!“
„we can play a game of val or 2 before bed“
„oh my god YES ofcourse im omw“
„today ill be pretty busy so i wont be messaging much“
„and thats okay, have a lovely day anyways and just update me whenever!“
„im gonna be off school all day tomorrow“
„omg yay“
„oh but i forgot to tell you, i want that day all to myself. phone on dnd, no family, no friends, no you, just me“
„oh okay, just let me know whenever you feel better“
„i got my shift plan for next month and can manage to come visit again next month!!“
„already?“
„i mean, yea, its gonna have been over a month by then and i have the financial needs, quality time irl and seeing each other regularly is very important no“
„im gonma be very busy around that time and wont have much time to spend with you, id rather we prolong it till april or may when im more free“
„but i just wanna see you, i dont mind only actually seeing you for maybe 2 hours a day while youre home before bed, i dont mind youll be exhausted, i dont need much i wont be a bother, i just wanna ve there, its so much better than waiting months when you live hours away and the means are there“
„i promise i wont be a bother, ill sit there quietly and just eat dinner next to you and leave you be when you feel too exhausted, i just wanna see you“
„you do realize once you go back home youll get allll of my freetime, right? when doing my assignments i want to sit on call with you just so we can enjoy esch others company“
„video calls, ill set everything up for it“ yet the only one who turned on their cam every single time was me
its weird how the moment you broke up you suddenly had all the time in the world to queue as many games as you want and do whatever
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its genuinely crazy how you managed to break me to the point where I was the one running after YOU begging for you to talk to me and to forgive me. you really made me believe i was a villain here. that i deserved all this. you reversed the roles without me even realizing. let me just tell you one thing. remember that time i came in march and hat that panic attack at night next to you. where i was going to book an early train ticket and disappear in the middle of the night without a single word. i wish i hadnt fallen asleep. i wish i did it. i wouldve done to you what you did to me just before. i wouldve been spared everything that came afterwards. i regret falling asleep. i regret promising you id still be there when you come back home. i regret believing your tears and promises. i couldnt have known better. its the love of my life asking me for forgiveness. how could i say no when it was all i wanted aswell. but me from the future shouldve been there screaming into my own ear „do not believe a word, leave“.
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youre an abuser. you gaslighted, psychologically broke me, manipulated me and lied to me until there was nothing left of me. you treated me like i was worthless dirt and a waste of oxygen until i myself believed it. you had my trust, my heart and my soul and threw it all down the drainjust to see me suffer after i gave you everything. if youre actually genuinely unaware of what you did, i hope ✨self-awareness✨ will make you wake the fuck up one day and the realizations hit you. ive woken up from my delusions you put me in. with everything i was put through, i genuinely considered if i deserve it. i believed i was worthless dirt. i questioned whether i wasnt a victim, but know i know better.
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if i could relive february one more time i could die in peace afterwards
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