trans-advice

[trans-advice]

Bit of a vent, but I would like some life advice. Where do you find the courage to take the leap to be yourself? Coming out is a huge roadblock before transitioning for me right now. I really do not want to come out, but I want to be honest with my family if and when I start transitioning; I want to be able to share with them something that would make me really happy. I just can't fathom telling them at all because I carry a lot of shame and guilt for being a trans guy. How can I back myself up if tell them who I am when I am not proud myself? I'm sick of existing like this, but I'm scared of losing my family forever; that is a genuine reality for me and our poc culture. I know it's wrong to think so, but it feels selfish to choose myself when it can mean risking losing my people. What do I do?

Can you start out by connecting with trans people of your culture? Like not only maybe you'll get better role models but maybe then you'll have some pride from sharing with them and that could help you out with your family

Readers any feedback?

Good Luck, Peace and Love,

Eve

[trans-advice]

Any advice for MTF passing? Specifically the stage of transition where you've been on HRT for two years and look decently fem, but still don't wear fem clothing due to fear of being attacked. I've been misgendered in public recently and I don't know how to go about actually presenting as fem in public. I've gotta get my documents changed at some point too but I don't know if it's better to pass first or change my ID first for logistical reasons. I just don't know how to go from this weird middle stage of transition. What's the point of changing my ID if I'm too scared to actually present fem? It would just put me in danger. But if I'm going to be presenting fem at some point, I do have to get my documents changed because if I don't, it will, again, put me in danger. I'm at a complete loss of how to move forward with this. And I have nobody irl I can ask for advice. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

Look, I'm not sure what your jurisdiction is for the legal stuff, this covers USA basically.

https://transequality.org/documents

I'm also not sure about the social calculus about having corrected papers in the middle of a genocide, so what I'll say is look up zoom meetings or in person on like meetup & eventbrite in order to start seeing more trans people IRL and to find spaces to talk about these sorts of things.

But I'd start experimenting with trying to pass because if you have a home, then you can experiment with looks & fashion without having to be public about it & then when/if you go for the legal corrections you can then you already have experience.

Good Luck, Peace & Love,

Eve

[trans-advice]

For the anon teenager in the inbox asking for bodybuilding help, please see someone involved with gyms about that.

[trans-advice]

Hey, I’m genderfluid (afab he/they) and so is my partner (amab he/they) Everything is great in our relationship except for his family. Their parents like me, in fact their whole family does, but I feel like this is only because they view our relationship as being heterosexual. My partner’s whole family is very republican, and homophobic/transphobic and his dad’s a big elon lover. My partner tried to come out as bisexual to their family multiple times, and was blown off, so they haven’t tried to come out as trans. I entered the relationship knowing this was how it would be, because I love my partner and thought it wouldn’t affect me, but I was wrong. I don’t really feel safe in their home for multiple reasons, and trying to play nice with his parents makes me nauseous. I have always been an outspoken person, and I hate not standing up for my beliefs, especially when those beliefs relate to human rights, but out of respect for my partner I have avoided ever directly saying something his parents would dislike. I feel like it’s killing me. Lately I’ve been very masc, and my partner has no problem accommodating and calling me his boyfriend, except that he won’t do it around his family. I don’t want to drive a wedge between him and his family, but I can’t stand the dysphoria and anxiety that comes with his parents thinking of me as his girlfriend. I’ve talked to him before about being uncomfortable around his family and he said he understood and we didn’t have to spend time with them, but that still doesn’t fix the problem. I don’t want to not see them, I want them to know that their child is dating a trans person. I don’t know if this is unreasonable of me, so I was hoping for advice on what to do. I love my partner so much, but I wish they could stand up to their family.

Thank you, -V

So first of all, your partner is the one dating someone his family hates. You existing is not pitting your partner against his family. His family doesn't even affirm his sexuality. Stop blaming yourself for that.

Secondly, I get that you want gender affirmation from transphobes, but 1, they're transphobes & biphobes, we can't rely on them for affirmation, and 2, safety is gotten through distance, so if your partner is like choosing you over them, then roll wlth it.

Good Luck, Peace & Love,

Eve

[trans-advice]

can we talk more about what’s happening? I’m actively terrified for my life right now as a stealth trans person living in the U.S. I’m so terrified so scared and I don’t think people are talking enough about what’s happening and how our rights are literally being massacred right in front of our eyes because the people of this nation chose to define us as less than human. They see us as creatures, things that don’t deserve rights and I’m terrified for my future, for my life. Is it even worth it to keep going and let these people destroy me or should I have mercy on myself?

death is always painful because it involves all of your body's systems failing at once. you live in order to make them have to go out of their way to "destroy" you. you do not subsidize them in that. the more work they have to do to kill 1 person the fewer resources they'll have to continue killing.

the hormones for DIY HRT will probably stay around because cisgender people use them too. we cannot give medical advice, seek it while you still can.

currently, the fascists are aiming for economies of scale. elon musk is literally trying to embezzle the usamerican federal government about 5-6 trillion dollars that would've been used to allow millions of people to spend money & stimulate the economy. so the economy will crash like capitalist economies do every 4-7 years.

in conclusion, build resilience by getting involved in various mutual aid groups. look up how the Black community, Indigenous communities, communities of color, disabled communities, and tgnciq2s+ communities in the past have dealt with the levels of oppression being faced now, especially since trans people are being targetted as a way to escalate genocide against Black, Indigenous, Communities of Color. Go to protests, avoid kettling/containment/fatal funnels, practice harm reduction, practice privacy. look up maroon colonies. if you're outside USA then look into how slavery worked in your locale's history, because that will inform your practices.

good luck, peace and love,

eve

[trans-advice]

FREE zine :)

A Trans Person ___ Here.

(Fill in the blank with a verb wherever you decide to leave this zine).

available on my ko-fi

🏳️‍⚧️

VD: Charlie's hand flips through their mini zine titled "A Trans Person Blank Here". The blank is meant to be filled in by the reader. The cover of the mini zine features the trans pride flag. Inside the zine are landscapes and skies with a few people in them. All done with physical collage, then scanned and printed. The zine contains some text that affirms that trans people have been here and will be here forever.

[trans-advice]

from @/vero_muerte on tiktok!!

found this video at <2000 likes and i NEED more people to see this because. yeah.

[trans-advice]

I have massive fuck off tits and can't wear a traditional binder because I'm not physically able to put them on or take them off (love being physically disabled and my body falling apart) do you have any recommendations of SAFE accessible binders because as much as I would like to get a zip up binder I would rather not fuck up my body more and I know those things are bad for you

Readers any feedback?

[trans-advice]

So I'm 18 I live in the Midwest and my family is very religious. They are still very loving. But when I tried to come out as MTF they did not accept it at all. They confiscated a lot of my things. I know in their minds they think they are doing what's right for me. I basically had to un come out and pretend it was "just a phase". I'm also struggling with my faith since I was raised in an Evangelical environment. Any advice to payroll my parents into accepting me? I know that sounds fucked but.

Honestly, the confiscation of your materials is a tactic used in conversion torture (aka conversion "therapy"), and because they're Evangelical they're likely going to refuse to look up information that would actually help you. A lot of harm can be rationalized against you as "them wrongly thinking they're doing right". Grow as much distance as you can between them & yourself in order to protect yourself because unless they're going to look up the gender-affirming information themselves then they're not going to listen to you. Also because of the white/Christian nationalist administration's genocidal attacks on our community, start saving gender-affirming resources such as glossaries etc, if your internet is not being snooped on.

I would recommend looking into lgbtqia-affirming churches. Various churches & synagogues stream their services on youtube. In addition, if there's anything you associate with connection to the divine such as live music or something, then look for secular versions of that. Also look into resources regarding religious trauma because obviously religion has been weaponized against you. Secular versions of that would be looking into recovering from high control groups, such as certain businesses.

I'd also suggest making an emergency bag & an escape path in case DV against you escalates & you have to escape for safety.

Good Luck, Peace & Love,

Eve

[trans-advice]

Can you just say hi Rowan. I wanna try it out

Thank you!!!!!!

Hi Rowan!

[trans-advice]

Hello, this is mostly venting i guess but if anyone do have any advice i would appreciate it.

I have questioned my gender for many years even if I still havnt completely understood it yet.

I had a boyfriend during all of my late teenage years (we were together for 3 years) and I have really started to miss him even though we broke up over a year ago. I think a part of it was because he made me feel loved but I think a larger part of it is because he is the only one who has ever known about my struggles with my gender. Like he knew i wondered if I am a trans boy and he helped me a little to experiment with things by calling me his boyfriend and using he/him pronouns and things like that. I think this is what I miss the most because even if I think I might be not completely cis in some way i do not want to ever come out because I am happy enough with my life now and what people call me and treat me and i am afraid that i will miss parts of it if it turned out that i am a man (and i am not even sure what i am so it is not worth it to think too mush about it). But it still felt really nice to be called masculine terms by someone and it made my heart skip and made me really happy. I want someone to see all of me (even what I dont understand myself) and nobody does that right now. I guess I also want to tell my friends that I am fine with he/him pronouns and things and it would be nice if they tried that for me sometimes but I am too afraid and I feel like it is wrong of me to do that if I never tell anyone else and if I am not actually trans and never come out or transition, it would put them in a weird position and they might also think im really weird for not doing anything else about my feelings and not even knowing what they mean. I dont know what to do now, it all feels lonely and scary. I do not want to ever bring it up, but I guess I want them to see that part of me still, or even ask me about it because it would be easier. I do not want to change anything with my life because im too scared and what if I regret it as im not sure what i want, but i also dont have the energy to ignore all these thoughts completely. I wish i had someone to talk about it with, who could see me as I see myself, without me having to play some sort of part either way. I wish I could be both a boy and a girl, i wish i were a boy, I wish nobody was confused, I wish I knew what I want. It is exhausting

(I dont know if I made it clear how i feel but thank you for this blog)

If you're too afraid of regret then don't do anything irreversible.

Get started on asking your friends to use masc terms for you like he/him pronouns. Once you do stuff related to presentation, you can maybe go from there regarding questions of identity, etc.

Good Luck, Peace & Love,

Eve

[trans-advice]

(ftm questioning) (very long, I'm sorry)

i used to be openly ftm, (cut my hair, changed my name, changed my pronouns, tried to bind) but eventually returned back to presenting as cis (although my pronouns have never been definite and i would say at times i present more masc than fem) and in both situations I've been happy with how i present, but recently I've been questioning a lot more and it's really going around and around in my head and i just can't come to a definite answer so I'm wondering if you have any advice

i like how i present rn (feminine (sorta), mostly use she/her or she/they or some variation of that, if not just saying any pronouns when i really don't know) and I'm happy when people see me and call me pretty when they see me as a girl (does that make sense ?) but theres still that feeling in the back of my mind when i see guys "i wish i looked like that" "i wish i used he/him pronouns" "i want a "guy name"" and mainly just "i wish people saw me as a guy", but I don't want to be fluid, because thats sort of how i am rn i guess ? and thats not what i want. I want to be one or the other. When i question being ftm i want to me fully m, when im not questioning I'm happy being fully f. staying in the middle isn't for me, and I don't want people to see me as in the middle either

my family isn't the most accepting, but they aren't transphobic either, i really don't know how they would respond to me if i came out as trans so I don't know if that affects how i feel in any way

should i try being ftm again ?

any advice at all helps sm, I'm sorry it's really long and confusing 😭

and I'm sorry if anything is worded wrong or i get any terms wrong, I'm bad at wording most things 💔

So IDK why you changed your presentation, but I would look into that to understand your relationship with your new presentation. Like is it out of safety or something else? What were your thoughts about being a guy vs being a girl back when you were openly ftm?

The main thing I see here about your relationship to presenting feminine is that you like being called pretty when you present as a girl. My question is, could you present "pretty" as a guy?

Good Luck, Peace & Love,

Eve

[trans-advice]

hi!! This feels pretty tame, but I’m 17 and no HRT transmasc, and an insecurity has popped up that I can’t shake. It is this: I’m scared that I have been making myself less feminine since childhood because no one has ever showed interest bc I’ve never cared (ace), and I think I’ve internalised that I’m not attractive at all in a feminine way, so I might be in a masc way/ I need to not try to look nice in a feminine way because I won’t. Is this a thing or am I overthinking it??? Like I might wear fem stuff if I wasn’t made fun of for it/thought I looked bad. Incidentally I’m also occupied that I pass and look cool… and then my face/jawline ruin it. Thanks for any response

Firstly, don't center people being attracted to you in how you dress. There are so many styles for that, and you first need a style that will play well with your gender dysphoria/euphoria. Also how other people act is on them, not your clothes, don't victim blame yourself fof harassment you've received.

If your face/jawline is making you insecure then try looking up references of masc people/presentations with said jawline. I'm guessing you need to look up the name of your face/jawline shape first and then from there google something like men with said face/jawline shape.

Good Luck, Peace & Love,

Eve

[trans-advice]

Your issues with masculinity and malehood are not the curse that trans men must bear in order to earn your respect or protection ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯