trans-worm-er

[trans-worm-er]

29.11.23

Sometimes I think about my ex classmate and her deceased mother. It breaks my heart.

anf now i fucking hate myself so bad i rerally wish i could just change realities or something i hate being here PLEASE jsut let me die

[trans-worm-er]

27.11.23

My mood was rather neutral for this day. A good sign. This will sound crazy, but cheap sushi from a supermarket gave me hope for the future.

[trans-worm-er]

26.11.23

The last 2 days were peaceful. I went to my friends house yesterday and we finished a math project. We had lots of fun and I was fr so happy for the rest of the day. Today nothing really happened. I finished a book that I had to read for polish class. I'm stressed, I have to write an essay about it tomorrow. I also have english class, which is overall an unpleasant experience most of the time. However, I think this week won't be so bad. I'll have a history and physics test, but a 3 day weekend because I won't go on a school trip that's on Friday. On Thursday I also finish an hour early, since my P.E teacher won't be at school.

[trans-worm-er]

24.11.23

The 1st half of my day was hell. I was unmotivated, so terribly angry for no reason and had graphic thoughts. At some point after I got home and dropped on my bed, i felt too weak to even get up. i have a habit of walking around my room to cheer myself up, but when I tried to get up and do it I couldn't. I decided on wallowing in my sadness instead like a loser. To think that few years ago I couldn't wait to be my current age and thought it would be so much fun and now I struggle to seriously get out of bed...

Oddly enough, going to my private lessons from math helped me. The lady was nice, as she always is, and even gave me some cookies. Snow started raining in the middle of our lesson. I think I did quite well, and she praised me too.

My uncle had a heart attack, I think maybe yesterday? Well, still, it's okay and he's alive. It was a huge surprise though. I never really spoke to him, so no strong feelings on my side. I do feel bad for my cousin, she's my favourite one. Even worse that tomorrow is her birthday!

I hope she'll like what I prepared for her.

[trans-worm-er]

23.11.23

I missed an entry yesterday. I felt very bad, probably the worst this month. Yesterday, I didn't feel just sadness; it was both it and rage. I don't know why, but there it was. I wished to destroy my room, destroy all that gives me comfort. I wanted to destroy it just for another reason to not be alive. Obviously, I didn't do it. I just cried.

Aw man, this sounds so edgy 😭

Today was slightly better. School wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It wasn't much fun either, but well, I guess it could always be worse. I got a few good grades, so that's nice. Had a few mood drops, but got over them quickly. My cousin will have her birthday in two days. I'm writing a fanfic for her, she loves my stories. I hope she'll like it.

I really wish I won't wake up tomorrow.

[trans-worm-er]

21.11.23

I didn't go to any lessons today, and only went to a history contest. I probably failed it, but oh well. I only got in accidentaly anyway.

I miss my friends. Sometimes I can go weeks without seeing them, and sometimes I miss them after a mere day lmao

I feel rather fine, although I had a few worse moments today. I felt so hopeless that the only thing I could think about was suicide.

Now I feel better, but tbf the day still didn't end. I do have a feeling that I won't be so down today anymore tho, so I can only hope that I will be happy for the next 8 hours for a nice day of happiness.

[trans-worm-er]

20.11.23

My 1st post here lmao

It's so wild that I literally struggle to truly believe that someone loves me unconditionally. Why do I still think that my family hates me when I get a bad grade from Math? It's so silly. My mind always screams that I'm unworthy of love, that I need to accomplish something to earn it - but the fact is that I don't have to at all. No one has to. Everyone deserves love. My mom always repeats that too. So why do I still think that way? Why are some days spent on hating myself, and some aren't?

Aside from that, this was quite a nice day. Did well in school, and I don't think I actually failed any social interactions. It's one of my biggest worry: did I speak properly? did I do something that could offend someone? If I believe I did, which is probably very wrong, I think about it way too much.

I managed to slightly correct my grade in Math too. Took part in two competitions, from Polish and English. I'm curious about the results.

What really made me happy was the fact that my Honkai Impact artbook vol.2 came today. The art is really stunning. When I first briefly looked through it and saw Griseo all my previous sadness disapeared. I have a soft spot for her because of her age and overall character (pls don't cancel me if she's 12 then I'm SLIGHTLY older than her 😭)